FADE IN: INT. HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT A party is winding down. Only a FEW GUESTS remain. They all are gathered around the piano. A YOUNG PRIEST, FATHER HARRIS, plays an old standard. Everyone sings along. A WOMAN in the group, mid-40's, conservative, really getting into the song, starts giving a soulful rendition, dropping to her knees ala James Brown. The song ends. Everyone cheers. Father Harris starts another. HARRIS Who knows this one?... (singing) "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!" They all join in. A YOUNG GIRL, MEGAN, enters the room. She watches the group. The group notices Megan and slowly stops singing. CLOSE ON: Megan. Her eyes seem vacant, almost like she is sleep walking. She mutters something. MEGAN You're going to die. The group looks confused. The young girl pees on the floor. CLOSE ON: A WOMAN in the group, mid-40's. She is the girl's MOTHER. The mother apologizes to her guests. MOTHER I'm sorry. She's been really sick. CLOSE ON: Megan. THWACK!! She is smacked on the head by a rolled newspaper. REVEAL: Mom holding the newspaper. She shoves Megan's head into the pee and rubs her nose in it as she continues to whack her with the newspaper. MOTHER (CONT'D) No! Bad girl! Bad girl! DISSOLVE TO: EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT The street is covered in thick fog. The only light is by a street lamp. A taxi pulls into the frame. It reads "YELLOW CAB." A TALL, DARK FIGURE gets out of the taxi. CAB DRIVER (V.O.) (V.O.) Hey you, pay your fare. The figure takes off, running into the fog. CAB DRIVER (CONT'D) God damn priests always pull this shit. Cab drives off. CUT TO: INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS A doorbell RINGS. It plays the THEME to "THE EXORCIST." CLOSE ON: The mother answers the door. The dark figure lifts his head up, revealing that it's Father McFeely. FATHER MCFEELY Uh... I'm Father McFeely MOTHER Father, come in, please. Father McFeely enters. The mother closes the door behind him. MOTHER (CONT'D) I'm so glad you're here. FATHER MCFEELY I came as fast as I could, but at my age the little soldier needs a lot more thumpin before it starts pumpin. If I tickle my ass before... MOTHER It's okay. I understand. FATHER MCFEELY How is she? MOTHER (sadly) She's gotten worse, Father. She won't eat, she won't talk. The child won't even let me touch her. FATHER MCFEELY (reflecting) Yes... Sometimes you have to give them candy. The mother gives Father McFeely an odd look. They are interrupted by Father Harris. He extends his hand to McFeely. HARRIS Father. FATHER MCFEELY Not unless you have a paternity test to prove it. Harris looks confused. HARRIS No, I was sent by the church to assist you. My name is Father Harris. They shake hands. HARRIS (CONT'D) Would you like to see the girl? FATHER MCFEELY Soon. First, I must bless this house. McFeely walks to a room and opens the door. INT. ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Small bare walls. A window in the center wall. McFeely closes the door. He sits and opens a bible and begins to read. CLOSE ON: The window. Flies begin to appear. CLOSE ON: McFeely. He wipes sweat from his brow. BACK TO THE WINDOW: More flies. Their BUZZING is loud. McFeely, now sweating, profusely. He begins to cough. The window is now covered with flies. The BUZZING is deafening. McFeely, coughing and gagging. FATHER MCFEELY Lord, please help me to release this demon. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: He's on the toilet. He lets out a loud fart followed by plopping noises. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) Thank you, Father. A DEMONIC VOICE is heard. DEMONIC VOICE (O.S.) (O.S.) Get out!!! You fuckin' pig!!! The room door swings open. McFeely tries to flush the toilet. It bubbles over with black goo ala "THE AMITYVILLE HORROR." He hustles out of the bathroom. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS McFeely staggers out. Father Harris rushes over. HARRIS Father, are you okay? FATHER MCFEELY Yeah, but you might wanna light a match before you go in there. (then) Did you bring my bag? HARRIS Yes. FATHER MCFEELY Then let us prepare. Both priests walk up the stairs. CUT TO: INT. MEGAN'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT McFeely and Harris enter. FATHER MCFEELY Remember, don't ask her too many questions. HARRIS Because she will lie? FATHER MCFEELY No, because her breath smells like a horse's ass. Megan lays tied to the bed post of her bed. Her face is cut up and twisted, eyes an eerie red. She's hooked up to an I.V. with a small tube running out of her nose. It's shaped like a CRAZY STRAW with red fluid going through it. The straw leads to a cup. "SLURPIE!" Megan is wheezing, heavily. She wears a tee-shirt that reads, "I went to Hell and all I got was this stupid t-shirt." They go to opposite sides of the room. Megan stares straight ahead. Father McFeely sees that next to Megan's bed are some get-well cards, flowers, balloons, and a teddy bear. He picks up one get-well card: It features a cheesy, happy cartoon dog saying: "Heard You Were Possessed By The Devil"... He flips the card open and reads the punch line: "He Picked One Hell Of A Nice Girl!" McFeely, shivering, his breath visible, takes the metal cross from his pocket and kisses it. But it's so cold in the room that his lips instantly stick to the metal. He struggles to pull his lips off the cross and finally manages to painfully tear it off his face. McFeely makes the sign of the cross to Megan. MEGAN Shove it up your ass. You worthless piece of shit! FATHER MCFEELY Silence!! FATHER MCFEELY TOSSES A MINT IN HER MOUTH. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) Look, my child. We've come to help you. Harris looks at Megan. He sits down on a chair besides the window. MEGAN/DEMON Your mother's in here with us, Harris. Would you like to leave a message? I'll see that she gets it. HARRIS If that's true, then you must know my mother's name. What is it? Megan keeps a sharp stare on Harris. Harris' smile turns to an angry stare. He rises and moves to her bedside. HARRIS (CONT'D) What is it? Megan leans forward. BLANCHHHH!!! She vomits a disgusting green bile in Harris' face. Harris wipes it off, coughing. HARRIS (CONT'D) That's right. Blanche was my mother's name. You are the devil. Harris tosses holy water on Megan. She falls back, writhing. FATHER MCFEELY It burns! It burns! CLOSE ON: McFeely, holding his crotch. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) Damn Tijuana hooker. Harris and McFeely begin to pray. MCFEELY/HARRIS Our Father who art in Heaven... MEGAN Your mother sucks cock in Hell, Harris. Harris tries to ignore her. FATHER MCFEELY Oh shit, you gonna take that? HARRIS What? FATHER MCFEELY What she said about your mother? Harris fires back at Megan. HARRIS Oh, yeah, well your mama got one leg and does jumping jacks like this. He puts his feet together and jumps them from side to side as he claps his hands over his head. MEGAN So, your mama's so fat when she walks by my bed, it does this. Her bed bounces and bucks off the floor. HARRIS What about your mama? Her butt is so big, she wipes her ass like this. He makes an exaggerated movement of putting his hand behind his head then brings it up high and back down over his face. The exchange continues with the possessed girl getting the best of Harris. HARRIS (CONT'D) Enough! Begone from this child of God. I command you by the power of the living and the dead... Megan groaning, flicking her tongue wildly at McFeely. HARRIS (CONT'D) ... to leave the young servant so that she may return to her... McFeely responds back with the same gesture, then simulates her giving head, then starts wildly thrusting his pelvis, simulating sex. Megan falls back on her pillow and moans. Harris shoots McFeely a hard look. McFeely stops. Harris continues. HARRIS (CONT'D) In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I cast you out. McFeely, coughing, hardly able to catch his breath. Megan on the bed, laughing. Smoke billowing out of her mouth. Harris rushes to McFeely. HARRIS (CONT'D) Father, are you alright? McFeely nods yes, revealing he's smoking a joint. FATHER MCFEELY This is some good shit. He offers a hit to Harris. HARRIS No thanks. FATHER MCFEELY My holy water. Harris gives him the bottle. McFeely takes a swig. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) Ahhh, that's better. McFeely splashes some on Harris, playfully. He clears his throat and starts again, taking turns splashing the booze on her and taking sips from it. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) The power of Christ compels you! He splashes her again, then takes a sip. She roars. Lights flicker. The scary, pale "DEATH HEAD" flashes over her again. But this time, it's picking its nose. The "DEATH HEAD" realizes it's seen and quickly pulls its finger from its nose, trying to look all scary again. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) The power of Christ compels you! He splashes more booze on her and takes a sip. By this time, Father McFeely is getting drunk. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) (slurring) The power of Chrishht compelshh yooo. He's stumbling around, splashing the walls. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) (slurring) Power of compelshh Chrishhts you, or something... Suddenly, the girl's straps break and she starts floating up. Harris watches in awe. A MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT passes a hoop over her. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) David Blaine, kiss my ass. The girl continues to float up into spinning blades out of the ceiling fan. WHACK! The blades slam into her head, sending her flying back down on to the bed. HARRIS Father, I think you should rest. FATHER MCFEELY No, I'm fine. He staggers over to the bed, kneels and starts to pray. Harris exits the room to retrieve his medical bag. He returns to find McFeely lying unconscious on the bed. Megan, sitting, quiet looks at McFeely. Harris rushes over to McFeely. HARRIS Father! Harris grabs McFeely and throws him down to the ground. McFeely's eyes open. FATHER MCFEELY I must have dozed off. Harris, caught up in the moment, is oblivious that McFeely is okay. He starts pounding violently on his chest. HARRIS No!!! Harris knee-drops McFeely. His efforts to revive McFeely resemble a WWF grudge match. Harris diving off of furniture, slamming down on McFeely. Finally, he checks his pulse. He thinks McFeely is dead. Harris shouts out at Megan. HARRIS (CONT'D) Look what you've done! Megan sits, quietly. Harris dives on top of Megan and starts choking her. HARRIS (CONT'D) Take me! Take me! NEW ANGLE: McFeely sits up, still drunk and disoriented. He notices Harris on the bed. MCFEELY'S POV: He sees Father Harris on his hands and knees. His robe is hiked above his waist exposing his naked ass. HARRIS (CONT'D) Take me! God damn you, take me! McFeely, now on his feet, smiles as he moves toward Harris. CLOSE ON: Harris' face. It turns to shock and horror. He looks possessed as we hear the sound of penetration. HARRIS (CONT'D) Nooooo!!!!! Harris dives out the window. McFeely watches as Harris tumbles down the long staircase. Megan begins to giggle. MEGAN You failed, McFeely. Your weapons are useless against me. FATHER MCFEELY You're mistaken my child. The Lord has greater weapons than me. McFeely picks up his bible. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) Hear the word of the Lord and be humbled! McFeely lifts up a crucifix. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) See the cross of the Lord and tremble! If ye still not have faith, then... McFeely reaches into his jacket and pulls out a .44 magnum. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) ... suck on this!!! Megan's eyes widen. BLAM!!! THE SCREEN GOES BLACK. SMASH CUT TO: TITLE CARD "SCARY MOVIE II" CUT TO: EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS -- DAY -- ESTABLISHING SHOT The campus is alive as STUDENTS make their way to class. CLOSE ON: A souped-up muscle car driving through the parking lot. CUT TO: INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS The driver, DWIGHT, a nerdy man between 25-30, glasses, thinning hair line. He drives recklessly, shouting at the people in his path as he honks his horn. DWIGHT Come on. Move it. A GUY ON CRUTCHES walks in front of the car. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Come on, peg legs. I aint got all day. Dwight whizzes past, causing the man to fall. Dwight notices a girl in a short skirt. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Hey, sweetie, ever heard of a gym? I've seen pool sticks bigger than those thighs. Dwight continues. He finds a parking space, whizzing before another car that has been waiting to take the space. Dwight yells at the irate motorist. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Sorry, but the fastest feet win. Dwight shuts off the engine, and opens the door before he exits. We see a wheelchair unfold. Dwight hops in. He is paralyzed from the waist down. His legs dangle, lifeless. On his feet, a new pair of Air Jordan sneakers. Dwight wheels around to his trunk. He pops it open and removes his briefcase and a Razor scooter. He places his feet on the scooter and rolls the wheelchair with his hands. Off he goes. CUT TO: EXT. CAMPUS -- LATER In the middle of the campus quad, there is a distinguished statue of Thomas Jefferson. PAN DOWN TO REVEAL: A black woman slave and a bunch of nappy-headed black kids. A plaque reads: "Once you go black, you never go back"... Sitting on the base of the statue are CINDY and SHORTY. CINDY So, do you think you made it into the class? SHORTY I don't know, but I sure hope so. CINDY You could use the grade, huh? SHORTY Nah, I need a place to stay. So how do you like being in college? CINDY Okay, I guess. It's so intimidating. You know being away from home, not knowing anyone. I feel like such a geek sometimes. Everyone's so cool and I'm so not. SHORTY Aww, you aint that bad. You just need a little flava. First thing we gotta do is get you some new gear. CINDY Huh? SHORTY Gear. You know, clothing. CINDY Oh. SHORTY Let's start with some rhythm. Sway back and forth like this. Shorty demonstrates. Cindy begins to mimic, clumsily. SHORTY (CONT'D) Yeah, something like that. (then) Now, go left, right, left, right, crossover kick... Shorty demonstrates. Cindy follows. CINDY Left, right, left, right, crossover kick... SHORTY Now you gotta learn the correct slang. Shorty begins to demonstrate. CINDY Yo! That jacket is tight. SHORTY Yeah, now go uhn, uhn, uhn! CINDY Uhn! Uhn! Uhn! SHORTY Yeah, you feel that? Now put it all together. Cindy now completely rhythmic and soulful, executes the combination, just as a nicely dressed YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT passes by. CINDY Left... POW!!! Cindy connects with the student's jaw. CINDY POW!!! Another crunching blow. CINDY (CONT'D) Crossover kick... Cindy smashes her foot to the face of the student. The student falls to the ground. CINDY (CONT'D) Uhn! That jacket is tight. Now run that shit, bitch. The student nervously gives Cindy her nice leather jacket. Cindy slaps Shorty high-five. The student takes off running. Cindy puts on the jacket and poses in a gangster lean. CINDY (CONT'D) Am I cool now? SHORTY Almost... Look, I gotta bounce. I'll holla at you later. Cindy gives Shorty a hug. They go their separate ways. CUT TO: INT. MEN'S DORM -- RAY'S ROOM -- LATER RAY, and his roommate, TOMMY, are getting dressed. Their friend, BUDDY, waits impatiently. BUDDY Hey, man, you two boners aren't ready yet? We're gonna miss the bus, Ray. Coach says if our GPA drops below 2 we're off the squad. RAY Don't worry, we'll make it. Say, what do you guys think, tucked in or out? REVEAL: Ray, naked with his dick tucked between his legs, making it look like he has a vagina. BUDDY/TOMMY Out!!! RAY No doubt. That's what I thought. Ray and Tommy continue to get dresses. Buddy waits. BUDDY If you two hadn't been out partying last night, you'd be ready by now. TOMMY It was awesome, dudes. We got fucking wasted. I had like a whole keg. Dude, I was so shitfaced. I woke up naked in a tub of ice. RAY (laughing) I woke up naked, too. TOMMY Hey, dude, you got a tattoo. RAY What does it say? TOMMY It says, "Ray." RAY (checks Tommy's back) Sweet. Hey, you got a tattoo, too. TOMMY Get out?! What does it say? RAY "Fucked me." TOMMY Aww. Cool. Dude. They read each other's tattoos ala "Dude, Where's My Car?" TOMMY (CONT'D) "Ray!" RAY "Fucked me." TOMMY "Ray!" RAY "Fucked me." TOMMY/RAY "Ray fucked me." TOMMY Hey! RAY What? Buddy gives Tommy a wedgy. BUDDY Wedgy moment. TOMMY Totally got me, fuck. He tries to fix his underwear. BUDDY Come on, dude. We're gonna be late. Ray grabs his stuff. He and Buddy exit. RAY See you later, man. CUT TO: EXT. CAMPUS -- DAY Cindy passes several activity booths. She notices a YOUNG PRETTY GIRL on the phone, obviously upset. Her name is ALEX. ALEX (into phone) That's it! I don't want to be treated like this anymore. It's over. Goodbye. Have a nice life. She hangs up the phone. Cindy approached. CINDY Are you okay? ALEX Yeah, I'm fine. I just broke up with my boyfriend, that's all. CINDY That's always tough. How long were you together? ALEX Well, we never made it official, so I guess we were technically never really boyfriend and girlfriend, but I was seeing him in school. I saw him at the mall about six months ago and I was too nervous to introduce myself so I followed him to his car, and jotted down the license plate number. It was registered to his mother, so I went to her house. She was so nice. I mean, she seemed like she would be nice 'cuz I never really spoke to her. I just waited til she went to work then I climbed in through her window and borrowed her phone book. I say borrowed because I'm going to give it back one day. But anyway, I called everyone in it til I found her son. He wasn't home when I called so I left this message how much in love I was with him. I was, and how I wanted to have his children. Just really opening up, and he never called back. I'd call and call, and anyway, six months and two restraining orders later I just decided I deserved better. What about you? Do you have a boyfriend? CINDY No, I haven't dated in a while. My last boyfriend's... Alex interrupts, totally uninterested in Cindy's story. ALEX Hey, look there. My friend Brenda. CLOSE ON: BRENDA is on the financial aid line, standing before the CASHIER. CASHIER Okay, here's your loan check. Your grant check. Your disability check. And oh, a block of government cheese. BRENDA Thanks. She steps out of line. We see behind her a HOMELESS MAN,a WELFARE MOTHER with KIDS, a CRACK ADDICT, etc. Cindy and Alex approach. ALEX Hey, Brenda. BRENDA Do I know you? ALEX Well, actually, we've never met officially, but I bumped into you at the cafeteria and you were so sweet. I said, "I'm sorry," and you said, "Watch it, white bitch, or I'll put my size eight in your ass." I thought how cool. I wear a size eight, too. Anyway, this is my best friend, Cindy. CINDY We already know each other. Hey, Brenda. BRENDA Hey, Cindy. Your friend needs help. CINDY Actually, I just met her. This is Alex. BRENDA Oh my god. Madam Elsa, my psychic, told me I would meet somebody whose name starts with a letter of the alphabet today. CINDY Really? That's amazing. BRENDA Hey girl, that jacket is slamming. CINDY Thanks. BRENDA You better be careful. I heard some girl got her ass whooped and jacket stolen earlier today. (off Cindy's look) Hey, what class do we have next? CINDY Psychology. ALEX Me, too. 101? BRENDA In room "302" at ten o'clock? ALEX That's it. BRENDA Oh, this is too much. I'm gonna have to play these numbers. Remind me to pick up a Lotto ticket. The girls take a few steps before Brenda grabs Cindy by the arm just as they're about to pass an iron post between them. BRENDA (CONT'D) Wait, don't split the pole. It's bad luck. Brenda walks around Cindy's side and they go on to class. ALEX You don't really believe that stuff. Just then, TWO OTHER STUDENTS split the pole on either side and are mowed down by a car. BRENDA Oh yes, girl. After my near-death experience, I've become very spiritual. I can feel my angels all around me, Oh, look a penny... Brenda picks up the penny. They walk past a fountain. BRENDA (CONT'D) That's good luck. Wait, let me make a wish and throw it in the fountain. (closing her eyes) I wish for a lot of money. She tosses the penny into the fountain. BRENDA (CONT'D) (opening her eyes) Oh, look, it worked. She reaches down in the fountain and grabs both hands full of coins. BRENDA (CONT'D) God is good, y'all EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS -- ESTABLISHING SHOT -- A SHORT TIME LATER CUT TO: INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- CONTINUOUS A STUDENT walks up a flight of steps through a set of swinging doors. He sees Dwight coming towards the doors in his wheelchair. STUDENT There you go my man. DWIGHT Hey, pal, I can handle a door by myself. STUDENT Fine. The student let the doors go. They swing, smashing into Dwight, sending him flying. ANOTHER YOUNG STUDENT rushes to help. STUDENT #2 Are you okay? Let me help you to the handicapped ramp. DWIGHT I am not handicapped! I can use the steps like anyone else. Dwight wheels himself over to the stairs. He successfully navigates one step then goes tumbling violently down the rest. DWIGHT (CONT'D) That's one more than last week! INT. SCIENCE BUILDING - PROFESSOR OLDMAN'S OFFICE - A SHORT TIME LATER Dwight and PROFESSOR OLDMAN, 50's, distinguished, are present. DWIGHT I finished all the interviews. PROFESSOR Let me see the files. DWIGHT They're on top of the bookshelf. I'll get them. Dwight wheels himself over to a bookshelf. As he attempts to retrieve the folder, the professor moves to assist him. PROFESSOR Let me help you. DWIGHT I don't need your help. I'm perfectly capable. Dwight climbs the bookshelf, reaches the top, and lifts up the folder. Just then, the bookshelf topples over on top of Dwight. His hand extends from the mess, holding the folder. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Here you go, Professor. PROFESSOR Are these all the subjects? Dwight, disheveled, glasses bent, gets back in his wheelchair and makes his way over to the Professor. DWIGHT Yes. The scored all over the Kiersey Temperment Sorter just like you asked for. PROFESSOR Any of them hot? Dwight rolls his eyes. DWIGHT I also took the liberty of putting those with near-death experiences on top. PROFESSOR Good thinking, Dwight. Traumatized co-eds are a sure thing. DWIGHT (dripping with contempt) As I am sure you are aware, Professor, subjects who are close to death are statistically more likely to have the suggestibility required for paranormal investigation, which is, of course, why I've given them special consideration. PROFESSOR Look, whatever you say, kid, but the more they're hurtin', the more they need a squirtin', if you know what I mean. (then, off Cindy's picture) Ooh, I like her. DWIGHT Cindy Campbell. Classic abandoned personality disorder. She seems guarded, but willing to do this. PROFESSOR Willing? I like that. (then, off Ray's picture) And, this one? DWIGHT That's Ray Williams. I couldn't quite figure him out, but he seemed very eager and excited when we met. PROFESSOR What's this? Professor holds up another photo of Ray. In this one, he's got his shirt off and his thumbs hooked in his jeans' pockets. DWIGHT Oh, that's the picture he sent me after our interview. The Professor continues looking at the pictures and files of Shorty, Ray, Brenda, and Cindy. PROFESSOR Car accident, gun shot, multiple stabbings, a hook through the back... Where did you find these kids? DWIGHT They are the survivors of the Steveston County massacre. PROFESSOR Fantastic. These kids are exactly the kind of catalyst needed to awaken Hell House. DWIGHT How are we going to get them all up there? PROFESSOR I'll make it part of the class. We'll tell them they're participating in a study on sleep disorders. DWIGHT And what happens when all hell breaks loose? PROFESSOR We record and document it. We're gonna make history, Dwight. The first documented, unrefuted evidence of life after death. The book sales alone will be worth millions. I'll be rich, and you my friend, will have one hell of a thesis paper. Now, what time is orientation? DWIGHT In about fifteen minutes. PROFESSOR Remember, Dwight, not a word to anyone. CUT TO: INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER Buddy, Ray and a couple of other guys are horsing around. Smiling, Buddy, flicks a guy's ear. Slaps ANOTHER'S hat. They all take it good and naturally return the friendly abuse. BUDDY Whoa! Who laid one? RAY Whoever smelt it, dealt it. Buddy hits Ray in the chest. BUDDY Open chest. Ray returns. RAY Loose nuts. You better hide them. Ray stands grabbing the guy's crotch. Everyone stops laughing. RAY (CONT'D) What? You guys don't know this game? The girls walk past, interrupting the moment. BUDDY Dude, look out. Ray turns. He and Cindy collide. Her books fall to the ground. Ray, not recognizing her, bends down to help her with her things. Their eyes meet. They are both shocked to see each other. CINDY I'm sorry, I should have been watching where I... RAY It's okay. CINDY Oh, my God, Ray! What are you doing here? RAY It's the sequel. CINDY Oh, right. RAY Listen, no need for you to worry. All that stuff that happened before is behind us. Let's just try to move on. CINDY I am. So just do me a favor and stay away from me. Cindy storms into class. Brenda pushes through the guys. She sees Ray. Their eyes lock. RAY Hello Brenda. BRENDA Hello Ray. Though guarded, we can see they still have feelings for one another. Brenda hurries into the classroom. CUT TO: INT. PROFESSOR OLDMAN'S CLASSROOM -- CONTINUOUS The Professor addresses the class: Cindy, Alex, Brenda, Shorty, Dwight, Ray, Buddy, and THEO. PROFESSOR Welcome everyone. I'm Professor Oldman. All of you have been carefully selected to be in this class. This course is very unique in that each semester my students take part in a bona fide study for which they receive an automatic grade of "A" upon completion. This semester's study is insomnia. All of you have some kind of sleep disorder that we will attempt to resolve or at least find the origin to. THEO, a striking looking woman who is drop-dead gorgeous, with a body to match, raises her hand. THEO (standing) Excuse me, but I don't have a sleep disorder. PROFESSOR It's okay. You have a "D-cup." You're in the right place. Theo sits. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) My assistant, Dwight, will be passing out directions to everyone. Dwight rolls over to the desk, picks up some papers, then rolls over to a few steps. CINDY Would you like me to help you pass them back? DWIGHT I don't need your help. Dwight tips over in the wheelchair and falls hard against the floor. Everyone is taken aback. Crawling, Dwight passes out the papers. Everyone reaches down to collect one from him. PROFESSOR You should arrive no later than 6PM tonight, and plan to be there until Monday. That's it for now. I'll see you all this evening. Class ends. Everyone exits. Buddy notices Cindy has left her book. He grabs it and goes after her. INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- HALL -- CONTINUOUS Buddy catches up to Cindy. BUDDY Hey, you left your book back there. CINDY Thanks. I'm Cindy. Buddy hands her the book. The cover reads "Dummies Guide to the Paranormal." BUDDY So, I see you're really into spooks. CINDY No. I never date outside my race. BUDDY I meant you're into ghosts. CINDY Oh, yeah. I'm just curious about that kind of stuff. BUDDY So it looks like we're going to be spending the weekend together. CINDY Yeah. BUDDY Maybe we can study together or something. CINDY I'm sorry, Buddy. You seem really nice, but I'm just getting over a really bad relationship, and I'm not ready to start dating yet. Buddy looks disappointed. CINDY (CONT'D) But, hey, maybe we can be friends. BUDDY (excited) Sure, that would be cool. Friends. CINDY (playfully) Okay. See you later, friend. She turns to walk away. Buddy notices the top of her panties, grabs and yanks them up. BUDDY Wedgy!!! Cindy hears the ripping sounds and feels the burn. She turns to see Buddy running away. BUDDY (CONT'D) Smell you later! Ha! Ha! Cindy smiles. CUT TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD -- DAY A small car drives by. CUT TO: INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS Cindy, singing along with the radio. She sounds terrible. The song stops. V.O. RADIO Hey, will you shut the fuck up and let me sing?! Cindy, embarrassed, stops singing. The song starts up again. Cindy checks the address as she drives up. CUT TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD -- CONTINUOUS Cindy's car makes it's way up a long driveway. CUT TO: EXT. HELL HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER Cindy walks up carrying luggage. CLOSE ON: Door. Cindy grabs the knocker. REVEAL: The knocker is a set of balls hanging from a bronzed male figure on the door. She slams them hard against the door. No answer. She bangs the knocker again. Still no answer. She pushed against the door. It opens, slowly. CUT TO: INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS Cindy enters, walking through the house. She makes herself at home, nosing into things she shouldn't and speaking in general to no one. CINDY Hello? She walks over to an answering machine and hits "play." ANSWERING MACHINE No new messages. CINDY Anybody home? She puts that down and moves a couple of pieces on a chess board. CINDY (CONT'D) Checkmate. Hello? She takes a bite off a half eaten sandwich and drinks the last of a glass of milk. CINDY (CONT'D) Hello? She deliberately knocks over a domino and sets off an elaborate carefully planned layout. CINDY (CONT'D) Is anybody here? She digs through the cushions of a chair and pockets some change. CINDY (CONT'D) I was told there'd be somebody here. She opens a couple of pieces of mail and reads it, then... CINDY (CONT'D) Hello? Your test results are in. Cindy continues walking through a swinging door and finds HANSON, a well-dressed man, middle-aged, with a short arm and a little hand. He's in the middle of preparing food. He holds a meat cleaver in his hand as he turns toward her. Cindy is startled. CINDY (CONT'D) Oh my God! I'm here with the... HANSON Yes, Professor Oldman's group. Forgive me. I didn't mean to frighten you. He puts down the cleaver, and moves his hand towards Cindy's face. HANSON (CONT'D) My aren't you a lovely child. Hanson strokes her face. Cindy fakes a strained smile. HANSON (CONT'D) (tapping her nose) And what is your name? Cindy, almost cross-eyed, watching his finger. CINDY I'm Cindy. HANSON (extending his hand) I'm Hanson the caretaker. Cindy reluctantly shakes his hand. HANSON (CONT'D) I'll show you to your room. Let me help you with that. He grabs the luggage. HANSON (CONT'D) Whoa, that's heavy. I better use my strong hand. He grabs the luggage with his little hand. The bag opens, spilling all of Cindy's items over the floor. HANSON. I'm so sorry. I'll get them. As Hanson retrieves the items with his little hand; a toothbrush, underwear, and other personal effects, Cindy looks on in horror. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT -- LATER A makeshift lab as been set-up with monitors and other high tech equipment. Dwight and the Professor discuss the project. Dwight is wearing a brand new pair of roller blades. DWIGHT I have taken care of everything, including medical supplies and blood storage. We want to be safe. PROFESSOR Right. What about condoms? DWIGHT Professor! PROFESSOR Hey, you're the one who brought up safety. I'm perfectly willing to go in raw. DWIGHT Would you please focus? PROFESSOR Fine. (then) What's all this stuff? DWIGHT Well, this measures the amount of thermal imbalance within a room down to the tiniest molecular disturbances. The Professor is distracted by a bank of monitors. PROFESSOR Are those cameras all throughout the house? DWIGHT Yes, I thought that it would be best. PROFESSOR Even in the bathroom? DWIGHT GESTURES TO A MONITOR PROFESSOR (CONT'D) So, if one of our little chickadees is taking a shower which one of these buttons do I press to get a close-up? DWIGHT (annoyed) That one. PROFESSOR After dinner, you and I will take shifts throughout the night. I don't want to chance miss anything. HANSON Excuse me, sir, but the students have started to arrive. Dinner will be ready shortly. DWIGHT Thanks, handyman. HANSON I'm the caretaker, not the handyman. (off Dwight's footwear) Nice skates. Be careful. You don't want to fall and break something. Hanson exits before Dwight can respond. PROFESSOR I'm going to change for dinner. I'll see you shortly. DWIGHT Sounds good. I'm just going to run up to my room. Hop in the shower. Jump into my jogging suit, and I'll be right there. The Professor exits. CUT TO: INT. DINING ROOM -- NIGHT Cindy enters. Ray, Shorty, Professor, Dwight, Alex, Brenda and Buddy are all already gathered. CINDY (excitedly) Hi guys. GROUP (barely noticing Cindy) Hey. What's Up? Un huh. Theo enters the room. Everyone stares. THEO Hey guys! GROUP (excited) Hi Theo! BUDDY APPROACHES CINDY CINDY (smiling) Hi Buddy. BUDDY Open chest!!! Buddy punches her in the chest. Cindy goes flying. BUDDY (CONT'D) Gotta be quicker than that, "A-cup!" Cindy staggers to her feet. THEO Well, are you boys just gonna stand there with your mouths open, or is somebody gonna offer me a seat? Cindy sits just as Buddy unknowingly grabs the chair from under her to give to Theo. Cindy crashes to the floor. THEO Many chairs are pushed in front of her including Dwight's wheelchair. REVEAL: Dwight sitting on Ray's lap. DWIGHT (referring to his wheelchair) It's the best seat in the house. I warmed it up for you. RAY Second best. Theo sits next to the Professor. Cindy and Dwight reseat themselves. CINDY Professor, is this the same house that a young girl was possessed by a demon or something? PROFESSOR Yes, it was reported, but never substantiated. SHORTY Yeah, just like that charges regarding me and that blind Haitian girl. BRENDA Pass me the salt. Brenda tosses a handful of salt over her shoulder. It goes into Dwight's face. DWIGHT Hey, what are you doing? BRENDA Keepin' evil spirits away. And if that don't work I always got this. Brenda pulls out a gun and cocks it. PROFESSOR Not to worry. There's been no reported activity in the house for over twenty years. DWIGHT Let's not forget, folks, this is a study on sleep disorders. PROFESSOR Ah, yes, which reminds me, who here thinks they'd wake up if somebody snuck into their room and started sniffing between their legs? Hanson rolls in a cart filled with a variety of food, including a huge turkey. BUDDY Enough spooky stuff. Let's eat. BRENDA Well ain't we gonna bless this food first? ALEX Allow me... God is good, God is great, but not all the time. Sometimes he could be a real asshole, because it seems as though every time I try to establish a relationship with him, he never returns my calls. I've been praying for twenty-four years and I haven't heard his voice yet. Not one message on my answering machine. Your miracles don't impress me. It's your quality time I want. So, if you hear me, and I know you're up there, thanks for the food. It's the least you can do. In Jesus' name, don't let me get started on him, Amen. Alex looks up to see everyone staring in awe. HANSON Anyone care for appetizers? Everyone chimes in their request. Hanson removes the long napkin draped over his arm, revealing his short arm and little hand with its stubby fingers. He uses this hand to hold the tray of appetizers. He offers some to the Professor. HANSON (CONT'D) Finger food? Hanson walks around the table with the tray, offering. Everybody reaches to take one. They realize that the appetizers look creepily like Hanson's fingers. Cindy breaks the tension and reaches for a roll. CINDY How about these buns? RAY Yeah, they're so warm and soft. BUDDY Ray!!! Ray pulls his finger from Buddy's ass. POP! RAY Oh, my bad. HANSON Sure, I'll just set them down and you can help yourself. Everyone grabs a roll. Cindy takes a big bite. CINDY Ummm!! They smell delicious. HANSON Thanks. I made them by hand. Everyone drops their rolls. Cindy spits a mouthful into her napkin. HANSON (CONT'D) The potatoes are just about ready. Let me just go whip them up real good. He whips the potatoes. His knuckles dip into the bowl, covering them with potatoes. Hanson licks his knuckles. HANSON (CONT'D) Ah, that's good. Dig in. Hanson places the bowl on the table. HANSON (CONT'D) And now for the turkey. RAY Say, what do you say you let me do that? You just relax. You've done enough. HANSON Oh, nonsense. It's my pleasure. Hanson raises a large knife, then rests his little hand on the turkey to hold it steady. HANSON (CONT'D) You know, making a turkey is a real art. The trick is in the stuffing. A lot of people are afraid to get their hands dirty. Not me. When I stuff it, I like to get the whole hand up in there. And you know I use a secret ingredient in the stuffing... Hanson pulls out a box of "HAMBURGER HELPLESS" with a crippled white glove on the box. Everyone moans. Their appetites, ruined as Hanson continues to tear up the turkey. HANSON (CONT'D) Who's first? Anyone like a wing? DWIGHT Yours, or the turkeys? HANSON I supposed you'd like a leg. How about two? DWIGHT That's it. I'm gonna put my food in your ass. I should warn you, I'm a black belt in karate. Dwight pulls out a picture of himself in karate outfit lying on the floor with one leg up in a pose. HANSON You don't scare me. I was a Golden Gloves champion. Hanson pulls out his own picture of himself, shirtless in a boxing pose with a regular glove and a miniature glove on his little hand. PROFESSOR Relax, Dwight. (then) I got an idea. (to Hanson) Is there anything you didn't make? HANSON Well, the dessert. I ordered out. PROFESSOR Great. What do you say we just skip the heavy stuff and go straight to the dessert? HANSON Well, I guess if that's what you all wish. Hanson goes to retrieve the dessert. He returns with a large cream pie. Everyone smiles. Hanson cuts a piece, slowly. Everyone watches to see if he'll put his hands in it. He doesn't. Hanson places the pie on Cindy's plate. Cindy smiles. She's about to take a bite when Buddy sticks his finger in the pie. BUDDY My germs! He takes the pie from Cindy, but before he can take a bite Dwight sticks his finger in the pie. DWIGHT My germs! Ha, ha! Everyone laughs. The professor reaches to cut himself a piece of pie when... Hanson shoves his finger in the pie. HANSON My germs! Ha, ha! Everyone tosses down their napkins and gets up from the table. HANSON (CONT'D) (licking his fingers) Funny, I always win that game. DISSOLVE TO: INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Everyone gathers around the fireplace, enjoying after dinner beverages. THEO She stands behind the bar, mixing drinks for the guys. THEO What can I get for you, boys? SHORTY Yo, I'll take a "Sex on the Beach." THEO Professor? PROFESSOR Make mine a "Screaming Orgasm." THEO Ray, what do you want? RAY Balls on My Chin... (off their reactions) What, you out of "Bacardi?" Fine, give me a "Mud Slide." Theo gets behind the bar and begins to entertain everyone with a nice display of bottle tossing. She is flipping bottles of alcohol behind her back, under her arms, between her legs. She then jumps on top of the bar and lays on her back and starts spinning the bottles on her big tits! CINDY Professor, what's the history of this house? PROFESSOR I'm glad you asked. It actually makes for a pretty good bedtime story. The Professor picks up a children's book. "This Old Haunted House." He sits in front of the fireplace. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Gather around. Everyone gathers around the fireplace. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) This house was built in 1898 by a man named Archibald Keaton as a gift to his wife, Cora. BRENDA Yes, I feel their spirits. Cora... Keaton... I am here to communicate... PROFESSOR No, they sold the house in 1920 to a millionaire, Uriah Bloodworth. BRENDA Yes, of course, Uriah. I feel his evil presence. PROFESSOR No, he lost the house after the stock market crash. BRENDA But he could still be haunting the house. He's angry that he had to leave. PROFESSOR He's not dead, you idiot. He lives in Florida. Now, shut up and let me finish. Brenda, sheepishly, sits down. NEW ANGLE: GHOST'S POV of the group. It moves slowly towards them. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Anyway, the last owner was a very rich man who built his empire off the blood and sweat of the people in this town. He lived like a king until one day the servants of the house killed him. A log in the fireplace snaps, startling everyone. BRENDA I think there's more to the story. I can feel something evil in the house. It's all around. In the wall, the floor, this piano... She strums the wire keys. One snaps and smacks her in the head. BRENDA (CONT'D) Ouch!! CINDY Brenda, are you okay? Come sit. BRENDA No, you don't understand. It's here in these statues... She touches two statues, holding lights. They smash her in the head. She staggers over to a Cuckoo clock. BRENDA (CONT'D) This clock... The clock strikes twelve. The bird shoots out and pecks her in the face. She falls into a mirror. BRENDA (CONT'D) This mirror... Her own reflection punches her in the face. Brenda sails against the wall. She sees a collection of swords and knives displayed on the wall. BRENDA (CONT'D) These... The knives start to rumble. GROUP NO!!! BRENDA You're right. Not in the knives. She turns to see on the adjacent wall, antique guns. BRENDA (CONT'D) It's in the guns. BLAM! The gun fires. Brenda goes down. DWIGHT My God! Is she dead? PROFESSOR No, they're just powder burns, thank God. They were empty. Get her upstairs. ALEX Maybe this house is possessed. PROFESSOR No such thing. What you all witnessed was psychosomatic, purely self-induced reactions brought on by hysteria. Now I want everyone to get some rest. We will start our testing in the morning. CUT TO: EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT The wind howls. Doors and windows rattle. A full moon shines overhead. CUT TO: INT. LAB -- NIGHT The Professor speaks into a tape recorder. PROFESSOR The group responded beyond expectation. Cindy and Brenda seemed most susceptible to the suggestion of horror. Brenda exhibiting both delusion and hysteria. Group fear should manifest itself and intensify as the night progresses. Dwight is reviewing the video tapes from earlier. He notices an image on the tape. DWIGHT Professor, I think you should see this. PROFESSOR What is it? Some tits? A beaver shot? What? DWIGHT No, these are the tapes from the living room. Check this out. Dwight rewinds the tape. We see Brenda being attacked. DWIGHT (CONT'D) The image there. PROFESSOR Are you sure it's not the tape? DWIGHT I don't think so. It's on all the cameras, and check this out. The thermal readings inside the house dropped ten degrees when the image was recorded. PROFESSOR Congratulations, Dwight, it's begun. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM -- LATER Cindy walks past a bird cage. She notices the little bird is dead. CINDY Oh no, little bird. Cindy gently removes the bird from his cage. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cindy enters, lifts up the toilet seat, and is about to flush the little bird when Shorty walks in holding a cigar box. SHORTY Oh, my bad. He notices the bird. SHORTY (CONT'D) Aww, the little bird died. CINDY Yeah, I didn't know what else to do. SHORTY (looking at the cigar box) Hey, I got an idea. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER CLOSE ON: Open cigar box. We see little bones being tossed into the box. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: Cindy and Shorty eating the fried bird. CINDY That was a great idea, Shorty. SHORTY I told you it would taste just like chicken. Cindy and Shorty finish eating, and toss the final bones in the box. Cindy closes the box, She notices something strange in the kitchen. NEW ANGLE: All the cabinet doors are open and the chairs are stacked on the table. CINDY: (to Shorty) Did you do that? SHORTY Uh, uh. CINDY You better go get Dwight and the Professor. Shorty exits. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty returns with the Professor and Dwight. Cindy finishes drawing something on the floor. PROFESSOR Alright, Cindy, what's so important? CINDY Professor, you guys gotta see this. Dwight, come here. Cindy grabs Dwight's chair, places him in a circle on the floor. In front of the circle are arrows pointing to the wall. DWIGHT What the hell are you doing? CINDY Just wait, you'll see. A BEAT Dwight's chair moves by itself, slamming Dwight head first into the wall. CINDY (CONT'D) (excited) Yippie! Wasn't that amazing? PROFESSOR It's some kind of energy field. We better record this. CINDY Got my camera right here. Professor grabs Dwight's chair. Dwight is still dazed as he is placed back in the circle. Again, his chair flies forward, slamming him into the wall. CINDY (CONT'D) I got it! PROFESSOR That's fantastic. Our first phenomenon. This is going to be a great weekend. You guys better get some sleep. Dwight and I will take over from here. CUT TO: INT. DARK HALLWAY -- LATER GHOST POV: It moves through the hallway to Theo's room. INT. THEO'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS Ghost CAM finds Theo sitting at the vanity table removing her makeup. Theo senses something. She looks around. THEO Hello, hello? She shrugs and continues to remove her make-up. Theo notices a pimple. THEO (CONT'D) Damn. SPLAT!!! Goo hits the mirror as she pops the pimple. GHOST'S REACTION. Theo reaches for a brush. As she looks down the mirror is tipped-up by the ghost. She doesn't notice. Theo looks up and notices something else. There's a booger in her nose. THEO (CONT'D) Oh, my. How long has that been there? She picks her nose and flicks the booger. The booger lands on the ghost. We see it shaking wildly as the ghost tries to get it off. Theo lifts her foot up and cracks her toes. She examines her feet. THEO (CONT'D) Oh, I need a pedicure. She looks on the table for something. THEO (CONT'D) Shit, forgot my clippers. Aw, fuck it. She raises her foot to her mouth and bites her toenail. GHOST (V.O.) (V.O.) Ugh. THEO Huh? Who said that? Theo gets up and locks her door. Not knowing the ghost is behind her, she turns and faces him. GHOST POV: Theo unhooks her bra. CLOSE ON: The bra. As it hits the floor we see two false breasts fall out. REVEAL: Theo's real breasts are saggy. Theo scratches her breasts under, on top, and around the nipples until she's satisfied. THEO (CONT'D) Ahhh, that's better. She walks past the ghost still scratching, this time under her arm. THEO (CONT'D) Whew, not fresh are we? By now, the ghost is ready to give up. From his POV we see he doesn't follow Theo. Theo bends over to get something out of her bag. GHOST POV: Theo's perfect ass. He makes his move. The Ghost CAMERA moves in on Theo's ass. Just as he's about to attack, Theo farts, loudly, releasing a translucent green gas that makes the ghost sickened face visible for an instant. The Ghost, waving in front of his nose. THEO (CONT'D) Whew. I was holding that one in all day. She stands and turns. We see she's holding a box of tampons. That's it. The ghost takes off running, slamming the door behind him. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT Cindy is walking to her bedroom. Suddenly, she hears someone whispering her name. VOICE Cindy... Cindy Cindy. She stops and listens. VOICE (CONT'D) Cindy... Cindy... CINDY Who is it? Who are you? VOICE Help us Cindy. Help us. CINDY Help you how? VOICE Check the music room. The voice disappears. CINDY Where are you? NEW ANGLE: Buddy, walking down the hallway, tossing a football in the air, sees Cindy. BUDDY Hey Cindy. She turns. BUDDY (CONT'D) Think fast. Buddy fires the football. BONK!!! The ball beans Cindy right in the head. She goes down. Buddy approaches. BUDDY (CONT'D) Dude, you suck. Cindy staggers to her feet. CINDY You know, Buddy, about this friendship thing... BUDDY Yeah, it's great, isn't it. I think it's so cool... have a girl as a friend. CINDY That's just it, Buddy. I'm a girl. You can't be so rough with me. BUDDY Then what kinda stuff can we do? CINDY Gentle stuff like talking, sharing thoughts and ideas, secrets and past experiences. Stuff like that, you know. BUDDY It sounds gay, but guess since you're a girl it's okay, huh? CINDY Yeah, it will be fine. I wanna check something out. CINDY (CONT'D) Will you come with me? BUDDY (sweetly) Sure. We can practice talking. CINDY (smiling) Okay. INT. MUSIC ROOM -- SHORT TIME LATER Cindy and Buddy enter. Buddy's in the middle of a story. BUDDY So, this hot Spanish chick is licking my balls and I'm fingerbanging her, right, just then... CINDY, ANNOYED CINDY Buddy... BUDDY Wait, I'm just about to tell you the best part. Cindy notices something on the floor. CINDY Oh my God. Look. Bloodied footprints. BUDDY Dude, somebody's on the rag. CINDY Shhh! Buddy and Cindy follow the footsteps. They lead to a secret passage. Cindy opens it to REVEAL a secret room. CUT TO: INT. SECRET STUDY -- CONTINUOUS It's an old, dark creepy study. Shelves of dust covered with books, several paintings on the wall, an old wooden desk. CINDY It must be a private study, or something. Cindy finds an old newspaper. Headline: "Servants Kill Hugh Kane." There's a picture of HUGH KANE and an article on the killing. CINDY (CONT'D) There's more to the story of this house than the Professor told us. It says here that Hugh Kane had a wife who died mysteriously a week before the servants killed him. Buddy looks at the painting on the wall. He wipes away the dust exposing the face. The painting is of a woman. It looks like Cindy. She's wearing a pendant around her neck. BUDDY Whoa, check this out. She looks like you. CINDY Wow, she's beautiful. You really think she looks like me? BUDDY Her hair doesn't have as many split ends at yours. Her skin isn't as oily as yours, either. Also, sometimes your eyes get kinda squinty and they look like you might have Down's Syndrome or something. Otherwise the resemblance is uncanny. Cindy is feeling terrible about herself now. For a moment we think the criticism is done. BUDDY (CONT'D) Oh yeah... another difference is she looks more sophisticated and classy. More feminine. And her tits are perfect. Not pointy and funny looking, or spaced too far apart... CINDY (annoyed) Alright! Cindy finds a small chest, ornately decorated. The name "Carolyn" inscribed on it. CINDY (CONT'D) Buddy, look at this. I think it belonged to her. Suddenly, a loud noise. Cindy and Buddy nearly jump out of their skin. REVEAL: A BLACK CAT. BUDDY Come on, let's get out of here. This place is giving me the creeps. Cindy grabs the chest and they exit. INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT The room is dark. The only light is the moonlight. Brenda stirs in bed. Ray is next to her. RAY Shhh... It's okay. BRENDA Ray, have you been here all this time? RAY I just wanted to make sure you were okay. BRENDA I'm fine. Just a few bruises. RAY So, I guess I can go now. BRENDA No, stay. RAY You sure? BRENDA Yeah, I think I'll feel better sleeping in the arms of a strong man. RAY Yeah, me too. Brenda gives a confused look. BRENDA I'm gonna take a shower. I'll be right back. Brenda exits. Ray sits on the bed for a moment. He notices a clown doll sitting in a rocking chair across the room. The moonlight gives the clown face an eerie glow. Ray takes off his shirt and tosses it at the clown, covering its face an causing the chair to rock. Ray gets down and does a few push-ups. CLOSE ON: The door. A fog-like mist comes into the room. Ray feels a chill and checks the thermostat. RAY Damn, it's cold. Ray goes to retrieve his shirt. He notices the clown is gone. Ray looks around and doesn't see the clown doll anywhere. Suddenly, a rustling noise comes from under the bed. Ray's breathing, quickens. He knows where he must now look. Ray slowly lowers himself head first to the floor of the bed, in preparation to look under it. He very, very carefully lifts the dust ruffle and lets the top of his head touch the rug. Ray is upside-down as he looks into the darkness under his bed. Under the bed. The clown is there, face to face with him, smiling sardonically. In the split-second it takes for a child to draw a breath and let it out through the vocal chords, the clown wraps its five foot extension arms around Ray's neck, cutting off half his air. WIDE ANGLE HIGH. Struggling now for his life, Ray is dragged helplessly under the bed and out of sight. Under the bed we hear a struggle, followed by the evil laugh of the clown. CLOWN DOLL (V.O.) (V.O.) Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee! RAY (V.O.) (V.O.) Oh, you want to play! We hear more struggling. CLOWN DOLL (V.O.) (V.O.) Hey, stop that? Homey don't play that. The clown attempts to climb from under the bed, only to be dragged back under by Ray. Now we hear Ray laughing, maniacally. RAY (V.O.) (V.O.) Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee! CLOWN DOLL (V.O.) (V.O.) No! No! Noooooo!!! INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Brenda enters to find Ray out of breath, and buckling his pants. BRENDA Are you okay? I thought I heard screaming. RAY Oh, I'm fine... just clowning around. ANGLE ON: The clown doll. His pants are down by his ankles. His head turns to the camera. His smile is gone, replaced by a frown. A single tear is running down his face. INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT The window blows open. Curtains flutter in the wind. Alex sleeping. Her head back, her mouth open. She snores, lightly, unaware of the presence in the room. A breeze brushes past her causing her hair to move. Alex remains asleep. CLOSE ON: ALEX The ghost pulls up her t-shirt to reveal a pair of perfect breasts. Her breasts get squeezed at the base, and bulge out like water balloons, but she still doesn't wake up. The GHOST continues kissing her neck. Alex moans, still sleeping. CLOSE ON: ALEX'S FACE: Her mouth opens wider. We see a growing indentation in her cheek as if something is going in and out of her mouth. Suddenly, Alex's eyes open. She sits up and tries to speak. ALEX Mmph! Mmph! The back of her head stretches to the shape of a penis. Alex struggles with the force, finally breaking free. ALEX (CONT'D) Somebody help! Help! The ghost pins her to the bed and attacks her. Throwing her arms over her head, Alex screams. ALEX (CONT'D) (startled) Ah! Then throwing her legs behind her head, she screams again. ALEX (CONT'D) Oh! Okay. The ghost starts fucking Alex. He's very rough and dominate. ALEX (CONT'D) (intrigued) Oh, my God. Yes! Yes! The ghost drags her up the wall and over a portrait of a solemn looking man. Then Alex's butt slides over his face and the man is now smiling. The ghost drags her across the ceiling and crashes her head into the light fixture. The sexual Olympics continue as she spider-walks down the wall and is dragged across the floor, smoke comes up from beneath her. ALEX (CONT'D) Oooh. Oooh. Rug burn. Rug burn. The ghost gets Alex back to the bed and flips her over to reveal tire skid marks down her back. Still the sexcapades continue. CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS The bedroom window is totally fogged over when Alex's hand hits it and slides down the glass ala TITANIC. CUT TO: INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS Suddenly, it stops as quickly as it begun. Alex lays disheveled on the bed. ALEX (desperate) Call me. The door slams. Alex lights a cigarette. INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT Cindy, sitting in bed, trying to open the chest. She is startled by the sound of the door creaking open. CINDY (nervous) Who's there? The black cat enters. Cindy gives a sigh of relief. CINDY (CONT'D) Hey, kitty, kitty. How you doin' girl? The cat pauses and gives her the finger by flicking his claw out with the gesture. CINDY (CONT'D) Huh? Suddenly, the cat attacks grabbing and scratching her throat. Cindy tosses the cat off and jumps to her feet. The cat lands and pounces right back. Cindy catches it and throws it down harder, sending it crashing into a table which smashes into pieces. Cindy and the cat circle each other. The cat grabs a bottle from the table, breaks it, holding the jagged side out towards Cindy. The cat jumps on Cindy, knocks her to the floor, pinning her down. The cat tries to shove the broken bottle into Cindy's face. Cindy, desperately, holds back the cat's paw. Her teeth gritting with effort. Cindy slowly turns the bottle towards the cat, who now looks worried. Cindy makes her move, flipping the cat over. Now, she's on top pushing the bottle close to the cat's throat. The cat gives a huge effort and shoves Cindy off of itself. Fighting dirty, the cat reaches into its litter box and throws some of the sand in Cindy's eyes. The cat then picks up a chair and breaks it over Cindy's head, then jumps on her back and tries to strangle her with piano wire. But Cindy manages to flip the cat forward over her shoulder. Cindy runs into the bathroom and locks herself inside. CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Kitty's paws reach for her from beneath the door. REVEAL: His eye peeking through the keyhole. Suddenly, an ax chops through the door making a big enough hole for the kitty to reach in and turn the knob. CINDY (screaming) Somebody help me! Cindy is desperate. She looks for anything that might save her. Cindy grabs a ball of yarn. CINDY (CONT'D) Here, kitty, kitty. Look... Cindy plays with the yarn. The cat can't resist. He wants the yarn. CINDY (CONT'D) Go get it. Cindy tosses the ball of yarn, it flies out the window. The cat leaps after it, falling to its death. CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cindy staggers out of the bathroom, bloodied clothes torn. Theo rushes to her. THEO Are you okay? CINDY I think so. THEO Come on. We better get you cleaned up. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT -- SHORT TIME LATER Theo tends to Cindy's wounds. The professor pours a cup of tea. CINDY I'm telling you, it was possessed. PROFESSOR Theo, did you see the animal? THEO No, I just heard the commotion, and when I got there I guess it was gone. CINDY What, you think I did this to myself? PROFESSOR No, I'm just saying cats are known to be very territorial animals, and it is likely it did attack, but it doesn't mean it was possessed. Maybe the two of you should sleep together. CINDY What are you getting at, Professor? PROFESSOR Only that if this cat did attack, he's less likely to come back if the two of you were, let's say, together. Come on, it's college. Time for you two to experiment. THEO Cindy, I don't think we're going to get any help here. PROFESSOR Actually, I'd be more than willing to walk you through it. THEO Come, Cin, I'll make sure you're tucked in. Theo and Cindy rise to exit. PROFESSOR Good idea, and don't forget to give her a good-night kiss. CINDY There's something going on in this house. I'm not crazy. CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Cindy enters and says good-night to Theo. THEO Good-night, Cin. I'll be next door if you need me. CINDY Thanks, I'll be fine. Cindy closes the door and walks to her bed. She notices a picture has fallen off the night stand. Cindy places it back on the nightstand. Cindy turns to climb into bed when she hears the picture fall again. This time the frame breaks, revealing a key hidden in the frame. Cindy examines the key. She gets an idea. Cindy retrieves the chest she found in the secret study form beneath her bed. She places the key in the hole and turns it. The chest opens. Cindy finds several items. Pictures of Carolyn. A diary. An old fashioned dildo. The pendant worn by Carolyn in the photos. Cindy walks to the mirror, slowly placing the pendant around her neck. She looks up into the mirror. Her eyes have a strange look. She slowly turns and looks at the bedroom door. DISSOLVE TO: INT. KITCHEN -- LATER THAT NIGHT The refrigerator door opens. We see the Professor looking for a snack. He grabs an apple. REVEAL: Cindy wearing a sexy red dress ala "Michelle Pfeiffer." CINDY Hello, Professor. HE SMILES PROFESSOR Hello, Cindy She shakes her head. CINDY Forbidden fruit. She takes the apple. CINDY (CONT'D) Got a problem with that? PROFESSOR Yeah, bitch, give me my apple. What's gotten into you? He snatches the apple back. Cindy walks over to a basket of fruit on the counter and picks up a banana. Provocatively, she peels it and, looking deep in his eyes, she slips the banana into her mouth, sliding it in and out simulating a blow job. Suddenly, the banana breaks off in her throat and she starts to choke on it. She turns red, gagging and coughing. CINDY Gock--gock--gock... Finally, realizing that something is wrong, the Professor runs over to her and does the Heimlich on her. She finally spits up a big chunk of banana and it plops on the floor. Recovering, she sits back down on the stairs, continuing her seduction. She picks up a whole pineapple and starts licking it sexually and finally shoves the whole thing in her mouth, again simulating a blow job. ANGLE ON: THE PROFESSOR He's getting back in the mood, getting turned on again. PROFESSOR Ooo, yes. ANGLE ON: CINDY She drops the pineapple and picks up a watermelon, shoving that in her mouth--stretching out her mouth and face, insanely. She slides it in and out of her mouth. ANGLE ON: THE PROFESSOR PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Ohh...mmm... Satisfied that the Professor is well turned on, Cindy drops the watermelon. She then grabs a lit candle and struts to the kitchen steps where she sits and places the candle between her legs. The Professor watches, seductively. Cindy spreads her legs, lifts the front of her dress. A strong gust of air comes from between her legs, blowing out the candle. The wind is so strong, it begins to blow papers and the Professor back. CINDY There. That's better. Cindy gets up and walks over to the Professor. Only the desk stands between them. Cindy grabs him by his tie, choking him as she pulls him up onto the table. PROFESSOR I take it you're not mad at me. CINDY I wouldn't go that far. She grabs his belt and pulls him into her, then holds the apple to his mouth. He takes a bite and she mashes it hard into his mouth, then pulls it out along with his dentures. He quickly pops them back into his mouth. Cindy rips open his shirt to reveal unusually large nipples for a man. Then unbuckling his belt and pants to reveal an adult diaper underneath. She pushes him back onto the desk and straddles him. PROFESSOR I don't like this, this... CINDY (pinning him down) Why don't you shut up, Professor? Just relax. Cindy reaches her hand down the Professor's pants. She feels something then stops and stares deeply into the Professor's eyes. CINDY (CONT'D) I think she's starting to suspect something? PROFESSOR (Confused) Who? Suddenly, Cindy's face turns into RAY'S FACE. RAY Your wife! The Professor screams, then pushed RAY off him. He gets up from the desk and starts fixing his pants and runs out of the room. ANGLE ON: Cindy's face as it morphs back. CINDY Oh, my God. It happened right here. She came home. She saw them. PROFESSOR Saw who?! CINDY Don't touch me!! Cindy passes out. Dwight rushes in, sees the Professor, his pants by his ankles, and Cindy unconscious on the floor. DWIGHT What the hell?! PROFESSOR It's not what is looks like. She's having a breakdown. Help me get her to her room. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. HELL HOUSE -- THE NEXT DAY Clouds and an overcast sky set a dark mood over Hell House. The grey skies tell us a storm is brewing. CUT TO: INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS Buddy, coming down the main stairs notices the Professor duck behind a door. Buddy investigates, following the Professor. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS Buddy slowly creeps down the steps. He peeks around the corner, keeping the Professor in sight. Buddy sees the Professor enter the lab. CUT TO: INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS DWIGHT Professor, we need to talk. PROFESSOR What is it, Dwight? DWIGHT I think we should consider cutting the experiment short. PROFESSOR What? DWIGHT The force in this house is far greater than I anticipated. In one night I recorded cold spots, shifting magnetic fields, the E.U.P. is picking up white sounds everywhere. PROFESSOR That's why we came here, remember? DWIGHT Yes, but I've seen the tapes. This poltergeist is becoming increasingly more violent. We all could be in danger. I say we pull the plug. PROFESSOR Whoa, Dwight, I say when we pull the plug. Get a hold of yourself. Dwight, we're on the verge of greatness and I'm about this close to getting laid. Now, the bus will be here on Monday. Until then no one leaves. CLOSE ON: BUDDY He's been listening to everything. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Now, here are the keys to the gate and the cell phone. No one gets access to either, understand? Dwight nods yes. CUT TO: INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty is watering the seed plant. It is a tremendous size. It's as tall as a tree. Shorty closes a window, and climbs into bed. He reached over and sets his digital alarm clock to wake him at "C.P. Time." Next, he pulls back the covers on his bed and pops a gold tooth out of his mouth. He then places it in a little drawstring bag marked "Tooth Fairy" and puts it under his pillow. Finally, he closes his eyes. Suddenly, he's awakened by the sound of rattling chains and creaking floors. SHORTY I can't sleep like this. He pops a tape marked "Ghetto Lullabies" into his radio and pushes the play button. The sounds of gun fire, police sirens, and a WOMAN screaming are heard. WOMAN (V.O.) (V.O.) They done killed my baby! Why Lord?! Why? SHORTY Ah, that's better. Shorty tries to sleep, but just tosses and turns. SHORTY (CONT'D) I know what I need. Shorty finds a joint and lights up. CUT TO: INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS Alex is now pacing the floor, smoking a cigarette, pissed off. She goes over to her "Ouija Board" and begins to try summoning the ghost. ALEX (moving the arrow along the board) Hello?... Ghost?...Baby, are you there?...I've been waiting on you for almost ten minutes now! Where are you? CUT TO: INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty, sitting up, totally stoned, talking to a "Wilson" volleyball. The rest of this scene to come. CUT TO: INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Alex is now sitting on her knees in the middle of a circle of candles. She's chanting as she rocks back and forth. ALEX Oh, ghost of the night, I beseech thee. Oh fickle fleeting ghost of the night, I beseech thee. Still no response. ALEX (CONT'D) (pissed) Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! She begins to tear up the room. Smashing lamps and vases against the wall. Ripping his portrait down and kicking it with her foot. Tearing the feathers out of her pillows with her bare hands. CUT TO: INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty lies in his bed, totally paranoid. His eyes wide with fear. Every sound makes him jump. Suddenly, there's a bolt of lightning, and it begins to rain. SHORTY Ahhh!!!!!! Shorty jumps out of bed and runs around the room looking for the volleyball. SHORTY (CONT'D) Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! CUT TO: INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Alex is sitting in a corner, her hair a mess, her make-up running. An empty wine bottle and glass, along with an ashtray filled with half-smoked cigarettes are at her feet. MUSIC CUE: THE SOUNDTRACK FROM "MADAME BUTTERFLY" PLAYS. Alex, staring straight ahead, flicking the light on and off. She is Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction." CUT TO: INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty, still counting, is interrupted by another flash of lightning, and rumbling of thunder. The lightning illuminates the weed plant, giving it an ominous shape. Shorty, terrified, clutches the volleyball. SHORTY One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand. Suddenly, the weed plant comes to life. Its limbs smash the window as it reaches in and grabs Shorty. Shorty screams. Ray, Buddy, and Brenda enter. They see the plant using the sheet like rolling papers rolling Shorty into a human joint. They all rush to help him. CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Cindy is reading Carolyn's journal. CAROLYN (V.O.) (V.O.) Tonight, Hugh and I made love for the first time. Ha, ha, ha, talk about little. I can't take living with him any longer. He's becoming a monster. Darkness is all around us. Poor Hanson died today; burned alive in the furnace. They say it was an accident, but... Cindy closes the journal. CINDY Oh, my God! Suddenly, her door slams. CLOSE ON: Cindy's closet. A bright light begins to glow inside. Cindy sees the light. She sits up. Suddenly, her bedroom door slams shut. A huge wind starts to suck the items in the room into the closet. Cindy grabs the headboard at the bed and starts to yell for help. CINDY (CONT'D) Help! somebody help! CUT TO: INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER A bolt of lightning strikes the tip of the human joint, lightning the tip on fire. SHORTY Help! Help! He's trying to smoke me, son! Ray and Buddy grab Shorty and pull him to safety, just as the plant is sucked out of the window, into the night. Just when they think it's over, they hear the sound of Cindy screaming. BRENDA Oh my God, Cindy! CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cindy clings for deal life to the bed as BAM! Alex kicks in the door just as Cindy's panties slide down to her ankles. ALEX You cheating son of a bitch! Touch her and I'll make sure that's the last piece of possession you have. (ALTERNATE) You son of a bitch! Oh, what you gonna play like this? I know you didn't do that! The wind stops, dropping an unconscious Cindy to the bed. ALEX (CONT'D) What, one woman isn't enough for you? Must you channel every girl in this house? How would you like it if I fucked another ghost, huh? Heavy invisible footsteps make their way to the door. ALEX (CONT'D) Where do you think you're going? This isn't finished. That's just like you, every time things get serious you disappear. The door opens and slams shut as Alex continues to scream after him. ALEX (CONT'D) Don't forget! I know where you rot! (then to herself) Selfish bastard. All you entities are the same. ENTER BUDDY AND DWIGHT BUDDY What happened here? ALEX Ask your poltergeist stealing whore! Alex storms out. DWIGHT She's in shock. We have to get her in a tub of water. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Buddy places Cindy in the tub, turns on the water, and splashes some in her face. Dwight checks her pulse. DWIGHT She's okay. She won't be able to move for awhile. Her body has to recover from the trauma. Just leave her here. Buddy and Dwight exit. CLOSE ON: The tub faucet still running. CLOSE ON: The drain plug. It closes shut. The tub starts to fill with water. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cindy is still in the tub. As her eyes open. Terror crosses her face. The bath water is rising above her chest. CLOSE ON: Cindy's hand. She can barely move a finger. CLOSE ON: (CONT'D) Cindy's foot. she wiggles it over to the chain hold