BATMAN II
by
Daniel Waters
May 20, 1991
NOTE: THE HARD COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED SCENE NUMBERS.
THEY HAVE BEEN REMOVED FOR THIS SOFT COPY.
INT. A STUFFY MANSION--A NIGHT ABOUT THIRTY YEARS AGO
The viewer floats through an overbearing mansion and
up its sweeping staircase to where a stern man in
conservative dress is pacing back and forth, smoking a
cigarette in a cigarette holder. He is the FATHER. The
throes-of-labor pants and moans of the MOTHER can be
heard from down the hall.
Disturbing other-worldly Gaas and Goos chill the air.
Mother's moans turn to howls. The Father stops and
gapes the cigarette holder out of his mouth to see a
SCREECHING NURSE wail out of the mansion room and
disappear down the other end of the hallway.
A TRAUMATIZED DOCTOR next plows out from the room; hold-
ing his mouth in a frenetic gagging noise. The Father
runs into the room. The viewer remains outside and
hears the Father's subsequent screams.
INT. MANSION LIVING ROOM--CHRISTMAS EVE PAST--NIGHT
A bizarrely corrugated Cage, made up of wavy, barely
separated black bars sits amid the plush elegant, period
and Christmased-up surroundings of the mansion. With
their backs turned to the sickly squeals emerging from
the Playpen from Hell, Father and Mother, holding
martinis, look out a window of gentle snowfall, with
bloodshot eyes. A 50's-type radio warbles a Christmas
classic.
A strange pair of eyes peer from the cage. Taking the
point of view of the eyes from inside the playpen, one
sees the mansion's Christmas tree from between the dark
cage slats. The squealings stop.
AN ANGELIC CHILD in an undershirt and red boxer shorts
steps into view to block the Christmas tree. The Child
stares into the cage, his face contorting in horror.
MOTHER
Honey, don't stare at your brother.
The angelic child runs off. Mother and Father simultan-
eously finish off their martinis, and plop the empty
glasses down.
EXT. A PARK--THAT NIGHT
A HAPPY COUPLE in 50's dress, pushes a baby carriage
through the park cooing toward their bundle of joy inside.
Father and Mother straggle from the other direction,
creaking forward an ominously closed-up, wickedly de-
signed baby carriage that serves to muffle nasty whining
and thumping noises.
HAPPY COUPLE
Merry Christmas!
Father and Mother fake a smiling response that dies as
the happy couple passes. They then brake at the railing
of a storybook bridge over a bubbling brook. With dark
nonchalance, Father and Mother each grab an end of the
carriage and heave it upward.
EXT. THE CARRIAGE--NIGHT
swirls in the air and splashes down into the small river.
Right side up, the carriage gently rides the tranquil
rapids. It bobs through an open sewer tunnel pipe.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
The carriage innocently slides through the murky waters
of the awesomely cavernous and creepy sewer, softly
surfing its sides.
INT. A DARK LAIR--NIGHT
The resilient carriage spews from a gaping pipe into a
moat of water that surrounds a vast patch of snow and
ice that is the centerpiece of a dark and mysterious
lair.
The carriage rides a small wave that tumbles it onto the
sanctuary's arctic island. From out of the darkness of
the lair, FOUR STATUESQUE EMPEROR PENGUINS WITH
DISTINGUISHED GRAY BELLIES regally approach the
carriage and surround it with spooky authority.
FROM OUT OF THE DARKNESS OF THE OPENING CREDITS WE
GO TO...
EXT. A STORE--EARLY EVENING OF THE CURRENT ERA
where the Batman logo fills the frame with a portentous
soundtrack boom. A playful salvo of snowballs reverber-
ates against this image as the logo is revealed to be a
hanging centerpiece in the window of a Batman merchandis-
ing store, along with Batman sleds, lunch boxes,
T-shirts, and ticking clocks.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--EARLY EVENING
Bathed in pristine snow and packed with GIDDY SHOPPERS,
POINSETTIA GRASPING LOVERS, BLESSED CAROLERS, and an
overwhelming array of Christmas decoration, the intimate
Plaza center of Gotham City has been dragged kicking and
screaming into a state of beauty and happiness.
A vivid electronic teletype reads: HAVE A MERRY ONE,
GOTHAM CITY! YOU DESERVE IT! FOUR SHOPPING DAYS
LEFT, GO-GO-GO!
Meeting up before a bustling department store called
SHRECK'S, an AGGRESSIVELY ALL-AMERICAN DAD holds up a
bowed Batman sled to an ALL-AMERICAN MOM. An ALL-
AMERICAN SON rushes up causing All-American Dad to
exaggeratedly hide the present behind his back to the
sweetly hooting delight of All-American Mom.
Just behind them, an ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL takes a dollar
from her precious little purse and gives it to a
SALVATION ARMY SANTA. A sweet, microphoned voice wafts
out over the Plaza.
SWEET MICROPHONED VOICE (O.S.)
Could I have your attention, Gotham
City?
EXT. FROM AN ELEVATED STAGE AT THE CENTER OF THE
PLAZA--EVENING
A dewy-eyed young lovely, wearing a snow bunny fur,
a tiara, and a banner streamed across her chest
that reads ICE PRINCESS, continues into her mike.
ICE PRINCESS
It's time for tonight's Lighting
of the Tree! How 'bout that!
The merrily promenading Consumers of Gotham City stop
to joyously beam up to the stage to watch the Ice
Princess scurry to a massive Red Button and press it
down. This action causes a mammouth Christmas Tree to
grandiosely come to light. The hypnotized crowd erupts
into aahs and oohs.
INT. A VERTICAL SEWER GRATE--EVENING
Through a grand, vertical half-circle sewer grate, an
older stranger pair of eyes peer. Taking the point of
view of the eyes through the grate slats, one takes in
the sight of the mammouth lit Christmas Tree, just as it
did through the Playpen bars.
THE VOICE OF PENGUIN
It is so beautiful, I could die.
I must have been born around
Christmas time, because every year
I get the same intense desires to
scream, cry, and freely engage in
violent bodily eruptions.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE SEWER GRATE--EVENING
A sickly duo of black, webbed hands curl out around the
grate bars. Eerily poking out next is a twisted bird-
like nose and a creepy pair of lips...
PENGUIN'S LIPS
Gosh, I guess I should really get
out more...
The planet's most beloved butler, ALFRED, marches past
the sewer grate carrying a ludicrously wrapped object
that is shaped like a mini-Tyrannosaurus Rex. He moves
to the parked Wayne Rolls-Royce and pulls off a ticket
from the windshield with a huff.
A PAPERBOY bustles up, holding up a newspaper headlined
PENGUIN: MAN OR MYTH OR SOMETHING WORSE?
PAPERBOY
Sir, read about the latest sighting
of the Penguin creature! Says here
he derailed a Trolley car into a
modeling school for Gifted Children
and then blew up a church where...
ALFRED
Dear Boy, sometimes it is a pleasure
to believe in fairy tales. Other
times it is merely annoying...
Alfred cheerfully shakes his head as the Paperboy
scampers off. Alfred suddenly feels a chill coming
behind him. He turns to the sewer grate just as the
slimy flippers recoil back away.
INT. INSIDE THE SEWER GRATE--EVENING
His back turned to the viewer and wearing a black, thick,
full-length, and grimily wraith-like coat-cape, PENGUIN
pulls back from the grate. He is lowered down from the
grate to the sewer floor by a Rubber Duck Scissor-Lift
Buggy apparatus being cranked by TWO DWARVES.
An eerily attentive gauntlet of wildly intense SOCIAL
PIRATES, listens upward on either side of the macabre
sewer tunnel--Depraved workers from a long since bank-
rupted carnival. Unvibrantly made-up and demeanored
CLOWNS who have never made anyone laugh brush up against
STEELY DAMES in tight, tattered, and faded Magician
Assistant Costumes. All members of the gang have a RED
TRIANGLE painted over their left eye.
PENGUIN
Look out and behold the joyous
faces. All the wonderful smiles.
I wish there was a way to keep
all those wonderful smiles...
The fleshy-beaked Penguin grandly turns to reveal himself
in his squat, quivering, quasi-mutant glory.
PENGUIN
in a jar...where I could shake
them up and watch them turn into
mushy goo...Oh my outcast friends,
I am about to become Gotham City's
best nightmare.
Penguin elegantly opens up an umbrella to pass beneath
a sewer drip. He flicks open an ornately odd timepiece
that reads twenty minutes until seven.
PENGUIN
This city is one big happy
family....for about twenty more
minutes. My previous crimes were
party favors. Tonight, Gotham
gets a real present.
Penguin lets off a homely squawk of laughter and juts
forward through his chilling carny co-horts, who fall
into line behind him.
EXT. BEFORE SHRECK'S DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
AN ELEGANT GOTHAMCLOCK clacks to 15 till. A Limousine,
passing beneath it, incongruously bearing a cutesy cat
logo, rumbles to a stop before the Shreck store.
Emerging out the limo is MAX SHRECK, the charismatic
Master of Gotham City. A smattering of flashbulbs
explode upon his placidly smiling face. Max is the
quintessential Upstanding Citizen, owner of everything
except perhaps a soul.
Following Max out is a legal pad scribbling, file
grasping SELINA KYLE, his beautiful beneath bifocals and
a subdued haircut assistant, along with a blindingly
grinning yuppie superhero CHIP, muscles on the verge of
shredding open his Brooks Brothers suit.
Max doles a gleefully robotic array of handshakes and
waves, culminating in a slap to the Salvation Army
Santa's back. He wings a twenty in Mr. Kringle's coffer
as T.V. REPORTER BIX CARBONDALE.
BIX CARBONDALE
Hello, Mr. Shreck, Bix Carbondale,
Goth TV. Our viewers want to know
what the man who has everything
wants for Christmas?
MAX
Clinches. Bix, I want clinches
for Christmas. Peace in Gotham.
Love between all Men and Woman.
Understanding.
The small crowd applauds. Selina bobbles out a sheet
of paper from a file, into a sewer grate. Chip shakes
his head.
INT. BELOW IN THE SEWER--NIGHT
The sheet wobbles down to a sea of looking up through the
darkness faces. Penguin's is in the middle, seething
upwards at the grandstanding atop the grate Max.
PENGUIN
Peace and Love and--oh, what I
wouldn't give to be able to vomit
upward. I, I must be getting
sentimental. So many fools in
Gotham City and I only want to kill
one of them, and it's not even
Batman. I despise Max Shreck more
than the city itself, because he
is the city itself. He wants
Clinches for Christmas? How about
smug, powerful businessman turned
into squealing jelly by
misunderstood monster.
EXT. TOP OF THE SHRECK BUILDING--NIGHT
The viewer goes from the bottom to the top. The top
floor of the building housing the department store is
a tower of Ivory with a large, friendly sentinel of
a cat at its tippy top.
A group of men stand in the window of it, pointing down
to the Plaza below.
INT. MAX SHRECK'S OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
The Men staring down at Max are THE MAYOR and HIS
STAFF. A Shreck Cat Logo Clock on the wall loudly
clicks to 7:50.
HEAD STAFFER
Mr. Mayor, how do you think Shreck
is going to react when you tell
him "No" on the chemical plant.
I'm not sure he's exactly heard
that word before. He might not
know what it means.
MAYOR
Max isn't just Gotham's primary
business investor, he's my friend.
My pal. And he'll respect my
decision as Mayor...God, my city
is beautiful.
EXT. THE MERCHANDISING STORE--NIGHT
The multitude of ticking Batwing clocks click toward
seven o'clock. TWO BEAT COPS roam up before the window.
BEAT COP ONE
So the woman said she felt a cold
clammy flipper on her neck. When
she awoke, she saw this thing with
a nose that...
BEAT COP TWO
Man, no more Penguin stories. Let
Batman worry about it.
A LURID VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN with a massive Cindy Crawford
mole times 90, in a long coat, sashays toward the uncom-
fortably transfixed cops. She holds a large open compact
over her face and pulls out some lipstick. From out the
back of her coat, two PYTHONS slide down the backs of her
legs.
INT. MAX SHRECK'S CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
The Mayor and his staff scurry behind Max as he pushes
open an imposing set of tall doors revealing his confer-
ence room in its tech-noir splendor. On the wall are
the words SHRECK CORPORATION and a logo of the friendly
cat, along with a teletype that blows stock numbers by
at an amusingly-impossible-for-a-real-human-to-read rate.
MAX SHRECK
Sorry to keep you waiting, Mayor.
How's the family? And your
dachshund? King is his name, no?
MAYOR
Uh, fine. We're all fine, well,
actually the vet says my dog...
Max slides open a piece of an oddly O-shaped conference
table and goes on to a bizarre chair in the open middle
--part sci-fi, part Dentist. Max electronically spins
the chair to whoever he addresses. Everyone hustles into
seats around him.
MAX
How interesting. You remember my
assistant Selina Kyle, and of
course, Chip.
SELINA
.....hi.....
CHIP
Gentlemen, I have the feeling we're
about to make some serious cabbage.
SELINA
(gulping courage)
Before we get started, I was
wondering if we could address the
Education Initiative...
The men at the table gaze to Selina in dumbfounded
silence. Max smoothly breaks it.
MAX SHRECK
Before "we" start, I think our
coffee needs to be addressed.
CHIP
(super-smug)
Double Expresso pour moi.
Selina gloomily backs out the door to the calls of "Me
too", "Make mine a cappuccino" and "Do you have Decaf?"
SELINA
But uh...
MAX SHRECK
Selina. Go away. Do not fret,
gentlemen, if our meeting goes
well, I'll let you watch me spank
her.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
Selina cringes at the subsequent laughter as a gleeful
Chip slams the door behind her. Alone, by her desk,
Selina begins to bang her forehead with the palm of her
hand.
SELINA
You stupid corn dog. Corn dog.
Corn dog. Corn dog.
She sullenly scribbles "Obey" on a post-it pad which
she then sticks on the edge of her computer beside a
garden of other girlishly masochistic post-its like
"Don't Have a Sense of Humor," and "Save it for your
diary,". She sadly gnaws a piece of licorice from
a package labeled MAX and sighs out the window to get a
strange glimpse of a GIANT, WRAPPED, RED-BOWED PRESENT
puttering between two buildings.
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
Max spins to the Mayor. A Digital wall clock pings to
7:55.
MAX SHRECK
Barring anymore aggressive
embarrassment, I'd like to set a
start date for the construction
of my chemical plant.
The Mayor coughs into a response that must have sounded
better during its bathroom mirror practice. Max
confidently rises.
MAYOR
Max Shreck, my friend, you're the
pillar of this community. Pillar.
There is no citizen whom Gotham
values more. No citizen. Your
buildings, your stores, your
factories, your oil wells, your
licorice...
MAX SHRECK
Your point?
MAYOR
I've got to refuse permission on
the chemical plant construction.
Those environmentalists have
really been on my back. I just...
I'm so sorry, I'll make it up to
you, I'll...
His back turned to his guests, Max's pleasant demeanor
chills into a look of horror; his smile gone for the
first time. His naked glare of betrayal dies into a
calm three second blink.
Keeping his voice barely under control, he comforts the
sighing-in-relief Mayor and his staff. While speaking,
Max reaches to an open MUSIC BOX THAT PLAYS NO MUSIC.
A ballerina figure typically spins on top, but an odd
arrangement of needles stick out of the exposed innards
of the box. Max twists one of the needles.
MAX SHRECK
Please, Mayor, don't drool. Or
apologize. I appreciate your
honesty. I mean, it is not the
first time we have had a
disagreement.
(turning and smiling)
Golly, actually it is, isn't it?
MAYOR
(enthusiastically
consoling)
But I'm sure it's going to be
the last time!
MAX SHRECK
(clenched teeth)
You're right.
Max's shuddering is distracted by the noise of a wowed
crowd outside his window. Everyone bounds up to peek
out....
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
The Gargantuan Christmas Present is rolling into the
Plaza. Gothamites continue to gasp in wonder.
THE ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL
It's the mostest prettiest thing
I've ever....
EXT. BY THE WAYNE ROLLS ROYCE--NIGHT
Alfred gives his wrapped dinosaur a last fierce and
painstaking push to get it into his trunk. Slamming the
trunk hood down, Alfred looks to the big present. He
is wary. The alarms on the nearby store's Batman clocks
go off at seven o' clock.
INT. SEWER--NIGHT
Hearing the excited murmurs of the crowd above, Penguin
grins and barks into his headset that has the
meticulously crude flavor of a Renaissance contraption.
PENGUIN
Deck the halls.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
One can make out motorcycle wheels churning beneath the
box and even some moving feet when suddenly the front
of the box tears open. With a rebel yell, the sour
creme de la creme of the GANG of SURLY CARNIVAL DENIZENS
WITH RED TRIANGLES OVER THEIR LEFT EYES blitzkrieg the
crowd, including the All-American Family. A pack of
disturbingly leathered and helmeted BIKERS on Demonhead
motorcycles with spiked-for-ice wheels joybuzz forth.
EXT. THE MERCHANDISING STORE--NIGHT
The Lurid Woman snaps down her compact to reveal she
has lipsticked a red triangle over her left eye.
BEAT COP ONE
The Red Triangle Circus Gang!
The Beat cops freak and reach for their guns, only to
each find a python slithering up their leg.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
Also scrambling out are TWO SNEERING BALD MEN, who wear
massive BLADE TIPS encrusted atop their bare skulls like
Industrial Mohawks. A ragged SWORD SWALLOWER struts
forward tugging an excaliber from his salivating mouth.
A YOUNGER SURLY PUNK appears wearing a lightly smoking
neon sign, blinking the word CIRKUS, as a humongous
chain necklace over his chest.
A STRONGMAN COVERED IN TATTOOS swipes the precious purse
of the Adorable Little Girl and swallows it in one gulp.
An appearing Alfred pushes him away and races off with
the Little Girl.
The Carolers flitter off, shell-shocked. They absurdly
continue to sing their carol in a frightened tone of
voice.
The last one to emerge from the surrogate Trojan horse
is a scowling creep in RINGMASTER garb--long black
boots, tight white pants, along with a flowing scarf.
He wears painted red triangles over his entire face and
atop his head is the same bizarre headset Penguin wears.
He casually elbows Santa to the ground.
RINGMASTER
Ringmaster to Penguin. They love
the present. My gang won't let
you down.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
Penguin savors the bedlam, dancing to the shrieks.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
The Batman sled slams against a police car windshield.
A disgruntled COMMISSIONER GORDON sputters out into
his radio.
GORDON
What are you waiting for? Turn
it on!....Turn on the Light.
EXT. THE GOTHAM SKY--NIGHT
THE RENOWNED BAT BEACON blazes onto the edge of the
night.
INT. WAYNE MANOR--NIGHT
The Bat Beacon can be seen through an elegant mansion
window. Its reflection is picked up in an ornate mirror
in the massive living room and then followed to another
strategically set up mirror. The reflection glows
against the face of a sitting-in-darkness Bruce Wayne.
He moves out of the light.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
Penguin gazes through the grate to behold the beacon in
the sky.
PENGUIN
Well, it's about time. Ooh, I'm
so scared. Come on, Batman, you
posterboy sell-out. I'm the real
thing and you're just a gym
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
A fleeing Ice Princess shoves an Elderly Woman to the
ground.
Various Red Triangle Circus Gang members sack the out-
skirts of Shreck's department store, swiping goods and
rearranging the window displays in obscene fashion. The
head of a Mrs. Claus mannequin is belted into an oven.
The Massive Teletype reads: TIS THE SEASON TO BE
JOLLY...
TERRIFYING CLOWNS scramble atop some wheeled Scaffolding
(that houses the stage lights) and thunder quasi-antique
artillery into the Christmas tree, blasting off ornaments
and lights. The Knifeskulled Men savagely bow down and
cut cables running up to the tree, cutting off its
brilliant light.
The Massive Teletype reads: FA LA LA LA LA ---- LA LA LA
LA.
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
The Mayor drops his jaw along with the other men at the
window.
MAYOR
Oh beautiful, I'm going to get
blamed for this.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
Ringmaster and some of his co-horts stand back and laugh
at the chaos. Their mirth is slowly strangled by the
dreaded sound of a supersonically humming engine. The
Innocent and the Profane stop beating and being beaten
to look to the increasing engine noise.
The Batmobile rockets toward the viewer, the bat beacon
reflecting off the windshield. The viewer's viewpoint
moves through the windshield to face the harshly concen-
trating BATMAN!
Making its megagrand entrance, the Batmobile plows
through the gargantuan, opened present, shredding it to
pieces.
Batman slams down a lever.
Oblong strips of the Batmobile sprout out from the
vehicle's sides, like wings, to ferociously trip up
darting past bikers and viciously lovetap various
carnival hoodlums into spiraling upward unconsciousness.
Many Red Triangle Circus Gang Members, snarling minutes
before, run away in hysteria. The Sword Swallower re-
devours his sword and the Lurid Snake Charmer Dame
scoops up her pythons.
The Terrifying Clown gunmen fire frantically down from
the scaffolding as the Batmobile rams the wheeled
platform from the back and drives it closer and closer
toward the Batman merchandising store. THUGS IN NOVELTY
NOSE AND GLASSES fulminate bullets at the back of the
buffeting Batmobile.
Batman brakes the Batmobile. The Inertia-ed Scaffolding
fiercely slams into the store, sending the Terrifying
Clowns violently smashing down upon the memorabilia.
Batman twists a square black Knob. A powerful STEEL
JACK-TYPE DEVICE jets out the bottom of the Batmobile and
barber-seats the vehicle up off the ground. The
Batmobile does a sharp 180 degree spin on the jack to
face the firing thugs. Batman re-twists the knob. The
jack slams back up into the Batmobile as the vehicle
charges toward the novelty Bespectacled Gunmen.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
A Bashed Gunmen slams down upon the sewer grate into the
suddenly depressed Penguin's viewpoint.
PENGUIN
(into head-set)
Batman! Who invited him anyway?
Ringmaster, don't panic! Just
remember he's just some guy with
a better costume. Complete your
mission. We caused this chaos
for a reason! To get Max
Shreck!
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
Ringmaster dashes off toward the Shreck building, waving
along the Neon Necklaced Punk, and the Knifeskulls.
RINGMASTER
Oh yeah....Come on, men, we
gotta get that Shreck guy.
With a cackle, the CIRKUS flashing punk gives a STRAY
BLACK CAT an arching kick. The cat lands on his feet,
giving the passing gang members a means-business glower.
THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
With a joystick, Batman raises out a Gatlin-style gun,
from the Batmobile, that fires out a wild, artistically
modulated set of steel pieces, chunks, and arrows. With
ridiculous precision, the steel projectiles slam through
the spokes of the terrorizing motorcycles upending them
and their riders into nasty convulsions.
Batman focuses upon the Tattooed Strongman angrily
chasing Alfred and the Little Girl. He maneuvers the
joystick that controls the steel spewing apparatus.
BATMAN
Alfred, you rogue...
A steel star thunks into the back of the Strongman's
head, crumpling him to the ground. Alfred stops to
broadly beam at the passing Batmobile.
EXT. BEHIND THE STAGE--NIGHT
Batman steers behind the stage and bounds out. He
activates the security cloak over the Batmobile.
INT. THE SHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
The Mayor beams.
MAYOR
I'm gonna get credit for this!
INT. THE OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
A spooked Selina turns from the window to the sight and
sound of the outer office doors heaving in and out from
unseen ramming. She swerves toward the conference room.
A bullet neatly destructs the left heel of her high heel
shoe.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
Everyone freezes toward the commotion going outside the
tall conference room doors. Chip takes off and folds
his blazer, with a laugh of superiority.
CHIP
Gentlemen, don't be afraid.
He cockily strides toward the noises when the doors slam
open, crunching him out cold. Ringmaster and company
scramble into the room. Neon Necklace is holding
Selina.
MAX SHRECK
Gentlemen, let's be afraid.
(regarding inert
Chip)
Somebody is not getting a
Christmas bonus. Good help is
hard to...I'm sorry, can I help
you?
RINGMASTER
Definitely. We're here to
kidnap the man who runs Gotham
City.
MAYOR
Oh no, please....
The Mayor and his staff break for the door. The
Knifeskulls shove their skullblades against the necks of
two of them. Neon flicks out a cumbersomely quirky stun-
gun that has a stream of laser going from one skull
ornament on one side of the gun to another skull on the
other. He stuns the Mayor to his knees.
RINGMASTER
(laughing, into
headset)
Did you hear that? The Mayor
thought we were talking about
him!
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
The Penguin squawks in laughter.
MAX
Priceless! Tell Max he's raw
scuzz and the epitome of the evil
of banality...
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
Ringmaster shoves on a pair of unusual brass knuckles.
Protruding out of each knuckle is a small red fluid-
filled syringe half.
RINGMASTER
Max, you are raw scuzz and the
epit--
(to headset)
What was that second part?
INT. SEWER--NIGHT
Penguin quietly simmers.
PENGUIN
Pinhead. Just. Lock away the
Mayor. And bring Max down here
now!
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
With a loud crack, Batman head-butts a rising up Biker
back down to the ground. A gauntlet of drained
bystanders and snapshooting Tourists cheer. Commissioner
Gordon sidles up beside Batman, huffing to keep pace
with the determinedly walking forward hero.
GORDON
Thanks for the assistance,
Batman.
(with a good-natured
huff)
Thanks for doing everything and
making us look like idiots. So
it's the Red Triangle Circus Gang.
Three years ago, their carnival
went out of business and...
BATMAN
I know who they are. They've
improved.
GORDON
The leaders are in the Shreck
building. The Mayor and Max
himself are up there. Do you
need any...
BATMAN
No.
GORDON
But you can't just...
BATMAN
Yes.
Batman quickens his pace, leaving Gordon and his words
behind. He gives Alfred a subtle smile on his way to the
Shreck building.
EXT. BEHIND THE STAGE--NIGHT
Another straggly squadron of Carnival creeps, including
the Dwarves, ninja out from under a manhole and crawl
toward the Batmobile.
A BAREFOOT WAIF IN PRE-FAIRY GODMOTHER CINDERELLA
RAGS, and with a dirty bandage over one eye, climbs
atop the Security cloak with a fascinatingly crude laser
device.
The waif dexterously jimmies the laser and with a whoosh,
the shield sputters off. Everyone eerily commences snap-
ping pictures including the Penguin, poking his head out
of the manhole.
PENGUIN
Oh Batman, what you don't know,
won't hurt me...
INT. SHRECK BUILDING HALLWAY--NIGHT
Neon Necklaced Punk holds his aggressively unique stun
gun on Selina, pushing her down the hall. She awkwardly
hobbles on one heel.
NEON NECKLACED PUNK
Move it, low-life secretary...
SELINA
I prefer low-life assistant,
thank you. I probably should
just shut up, but you know, this
was a very serious pair of shoes
you ruined. Couldn't you have
just been a prince and broken my
jaw? My body will heal, but this
was the last pair left in my
size.
(with revealed
anger)
Oh, and next time, Scooter,
remember to shoot the other heel.
With her existing heel, Selina slams out into Neonpunk's
knee, knocking the stun gun out of his hand onto a nearby
carpet and him to the ground.
He seethes in sync to his flashing Neon necklace then
bolts up toward the stun gun on the center when suddenly
the carpet is viciously pulled out from under him,
somersaulting him into a vivid sparking heap.
Selina breathlessly turns to see Batman at the end of
the carpet. He begins to roll it up, semi-oblivious to
Selina's tentatively delirious verbiage.
SELINA
Cheap but effective. How are you
with pies and banana peels?
There's more of them, coming
around....Like the carpet, huh?
A collector? Wow, the Batman--
or is it just Batman. You look
a lot better in person...I,
I'm...
BATMAN
Nice shoes.
Batman hands a stunned Selina the stun gun and hoists up
the rolled-up carpet, charging off.
EXT. BEHIND THE STAGE--NIGHT
The Batmobile's hood is up and its doors are open.
Penguin's disciples continue to whisk around the
Batmobile like paparazzi, flashing their cameras.
INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY CORRIDOR--NIGHT
A convoy lead by the two Knifeskulls swaggers out from
Shreck's office. Ringmaster holds his syringe knuckles
against Max's neck.
RINGMASTER
How does it feel to know you're
going to...
MAX
Please...You're a pimple and I'm
a respected face. I give you five
minutes.
The rolled up carpet whooshes up in the air and smack dab
impales itself on the blades of the Knifeskulls, locking
them together. Batman, with a fist a piece, violently
bashes them over.
MAX
Make it two.
RINGMASTER
You really think you can take me
down, Mr. man-bat?
BATMAN
Sure.
RINGMASTER
One move and...
Batman gunslingers out his grapple speargun. The wired
hook deftly smashes the syringes off Ringmaster's
knuckles. Red fluid from the syringes splashes onto
Ringmaster's hand. He howls and hobbles as Batman
saunters toward him, reeling in his gun.
BATMAN
Sh-h-h...
In one swift-straight arm gesture, Batman shoves the
Ringmaster's skull into the wall, cracking the headset
with a quick whine.
EXT. BEHIND THE STAGE--NIGHT
Penguin furiously yanks off his now also whining headset.
BATMAN
Imbeciles. I knew I should have
hired a better gang... Hey, it's
a wrap.
Penguin's people stop their shutterbugging. The
Batmobile hood is slammed shut and the Waif reactivates
the security shield as the gang scrambles back into the
manhole.
INT. THE HALLWAY--NIGHT
Ringmaster finally collapses out of the wall. Batman
steps before his dropping body. Max reaches out for a
firm handshake.
MAX SHRECK
Batman. You certainly live up to
your hype. I hope I am not being
overly immodest in saying that
this is your finest hour. By
saving me, you have saved the
city.
MAYOR
(bustling up)
Good evening, Caped Crusader! I
never tire of watching you work.
With me in the front office and
you on the streets, we are one
unstoppable crimefighting team.
(to Max)
Let's get some shots of the three
of us...
The babbling Mayor is silenced as he turns to see that
Batman is nowhere to be seen.
EXT. THE SHRECK BUILDING--NIGHT
An exhausted, quivering Selina wobbles out of the
building with a sigh. She compassionately bends down
to the black cat that was kicked earlier and picks it
up. She shambles out through the devastation that was
once a winter wonderland.
Max and Chip next saunter from the building, politely
beaming to snapping flashbulbs. Max shakes some more
hands and accepts some congratulatory arm squeezes.
BIX CARBONDALE
How do you feel, Mr. Shreck?
MAX
Boy Bix, I just want to curl up
with some cocoa and watch this
craziness on the news.
The bystanders and camera crews chuckle as Max and Chip
march off toward the Shreck limousine. Max's smile de-
materializes.
MAX
I'm in a bad mood. Remind me to
take it out on everyone.
Stepping forward to the limo, Max and Chip FALL THROUGH
AN OPENING SEWER GRATE AND COMPLETELY OUT OF SIGHT.
INT. SELINA'S APARTMENT--LATER IN THE NIGHT
Selina lowers a dish of milk to her new cat, calling
out.
SELINA
Honey, I'm home!.....Oh that's
right, I'm not married.
She wearily laughs at her private joke then takes in a
view of her 90's quaint, too-protectively-feminine apart-
ment -- pink carpet, a neon "HELLO SELINA" on the wall,
a meticulously ornate doll house, a cactus in a pink pot,
a sewing-needles-in-progress quilt, a paltry Christmas
tree, and a pretty embarrassing assortment of stuffed
animals. The cat purrs.
SELINA
What did you just purr, Miss Kitty?
"How can anyone be so pathetic?"
Yeah, well, takes years of hard
work, unappreciated hard work. At
least I got to meet Batman, eh?
She absently triggers her new stun gun on and off then
raises up a tiny remote square and fires it at her
answering machine. As the voice of a STERN MOTHER fills
the air, Selina tidys up her place. She retrieves Diet
Cola cans and Shreck Yogurt cartons passing childhood
pictures of a YOUNGER HAPPIER SELINA on a trampoline, on
a horse, and on the side of a mountain.
STERN MOTHER'S VOICE
Selina. This is your Mother,
just calling to say Hello...
SELINA
Yeah, right...."But..."
MOM'S VOICE
"But" I'm disappointed you're not
coming home for Christmas. I was
looking forward to discussing your
life. I mean really, why you
insist on living in Gotham City
alone...
Selina casually squeezes up her remote to fast forward
the machine. As the Cat compassionately snuggles up
beside her to the sound of her lame boyfriend, Selina
kneels down to do some minute tooling on the rooms of her
precious doll house.
LAME BOYFRIEND'S VOICE
Selina, about that Christmas
getaway we planned, I think we
should break up instead. I'm not
afraid anymore to say I need a
woman who's going to treat me like
a hero, not a zero. I...
SELINA
(hurt
fast-forwarding)
Wow, the party never stops on
Selina Kyle's machine? I guess
I should have let him win that
racquetball game.
Selina clomps into her kitchenette and turns on a faucet
that wildly sprays out in all directions as her own voice
comes on.
SELINA'S OWN VOICE
Hi Selina, this is yourself
calling. I'm reminding you that
you better have brought home the
Bruce Wayne file to work on,
because Max Slavemaster is meeting
with him tomorrow.
Wet and angry, Selina drops her remote and instead fires
her stun gun on the answering machine, shutting it off.
She again starts banging her forehead with her palm.
SELINA
The File. You stupid corn dog.
Corn dog. Corn dog. Corn dog...
(putting on coat)
You black cats are for real, aren't
you?
EXT. THE GROUNDS OF THE OLD GOTHAM ZOO--NIGHT
The viewer plunges through the decrepit gates of a stag-
gering, abandoned zoo--a centerpiece of a perverse
World's Fair of another world. Snow-covered cages and
pits that seem more terrifying empty than if filled with
ferocious beasts.
The viewer connects up with a determinedly trotting,
RATTY, SPIKY-HAIRED POODLE, wearing a strange pair of
goggles. The Poodle's hair rises as he passes A SEEDY
AND DECREPIT, BUT IMPRESSIVELY MAMMOTH AND COMPLEX POWER
STATION, that crackles with frayed wires.
The Poodle swerves before a rickety rollercoaster that
has three shoddy and malignant, Animal-motifed carts put-
tering up different stages of the dilapidated track. An
aberrant cross section of birds ride on one of them.
The Poodle swings toward the light of a cave lined with
sparkling snow and ice and into....
INT. PENGUIN'S LAIR--NIGHT
The Lair where the Penguin baby found his home is now
seen to be less dark, but still overpoweringly dramatic
and bizarre. The track of the zoo's rickety roller-
coaster curls through the grotto.
The cart full of birds rumbles through with its winged
passengers flying off to join others flapping around.
A large squalid cage. Strange scaffolding half covers
an enormous "Mission Control" panel that has been hodge-
podged together with the flagrantly weird, idiosyncratic
technology. Actual penguins of every size (except the
gray bellied Emperors) heedlessly horseplay in the icy
moat.
The Ratty Poodle takes his place at a large block of ice
that serves as a conference table. Gabbing around the
table are the familiarly bonechilling survivors of the
Unwashed Carnival Creeps.
Everyone shuts up and goes into a standing ovation as
Penguin rides out of the lair's vast, gaping sewer pipe
in his Rubber Duck that now acts as a boat. The
Tattooed Strongman is holding Max Shreck and Chip in
behind him.
PENGUIN
We have distinguished guests.
Please make them feel at home...
The Circus Creeps go into shouts of "Boo" and "Can we
torture them now" while pelting snowballs, ice airplanes
and novelty gadgets at the beleaguered businessmen. Max
begins to sit down at a chair at the end of the Ice
conference table. Dwarf One pulls the chair out from
under him. Max crashes to the ground. The gang explodes
in laughter and the dwarf does a cute little bow.
The moodily pondering and freezing Max cautiously reseats
himself. Chip makes a break. The Bearded Lady breaks off
an Ice stalagmite and knee-caps him to the ground.
As Penguin snarls at Max, he is handed an array of sadis-
tic umbrellas, which he casually tries and discards.
One shoots out a flame, one pokes out a sword tip, one
causes a goofy spinning hypno-vertigo swirl effect,
another shoots a blast acid that melts through the middle
of the table. Max loses composure, shivering and
sweating.
PENGUIN
Up there, Max, you're the master
of Gotham City. Down here, the
poodle gets a better parking
space.
You see, I hear your speeches
about protecting the community,
then see you dump toxic waste into
the sewers. I listen through a
sewer grate to you promising one
thing, then see you through a
ventilator shaft doing another
thing. Don't get me wrong. I
got nothing against being a two-
faced weasel, or even dumping toxic
waste -- Stuff works good on rat
bites...
MAX
Oh really, I didn't....
PENGUIN
Shut up. It's just, why do you
get to be a man of the people and
I have to be the boogeyman. It's
not fair!
A SMALL PENGUIN BIRD wobbles atop the table and stops to
squawk-babble at Penguin.
PENGUIN
You can say I'm jealous. You can
say I'm bitter. In ten seconds,
you're going to say a lot of
things... in a high pitched voice...
(swerving to little penguin)
Wha-a-a-t!
(listening)
Oh....Try the closet in the back
of the lair.
The penguin wobbles away. Penguin tentatively growls
back at Max.
PENGUIN
I....I lost my place?
MAX
You were implying that I will be
screaming in a high pitched...
PENGUIN
Yeah, but don't worry, Max, I'm
not going to kill you. I'm just
going to freeze you for 200 years
until they find a cure for rich
uppity snob powermongers.
(good natured laughter)
I'm only kidding....I'm going to
kill you.
Lighting up a cigarette in a cigarette holder much like
his father's, Penguin moves forward with the sword
umbrella. Everyone else at the table pulls forth a
perverse weapon. A particularly large bead of sweat
rolls down Max's face. Coming out of a sage three second
blink, Max regards the cigarette holder then reaches out
with his tongue and licks off the bead.
MAX
You're not going to do anything
to me, Penguin.
PENGUIN
Oh, I'm not? Okay, well, if you
put it that way. Jeepers.
Penguin rears back for a decapitating swing.
MAX
Why fight the power, Penguin, when
you can become it.
Penguin slightly lowers his malevolent pose. Max stands
up and speaks faster.
MAX
You despise the way this city is
run. So do I. Tonight, the
current Mayor.... disappointed me.
I'd like to see more of a...
free thinker in his place.
PENGUIN
Me? The New Mayor? In case you
hadn't noticed, I'm a mutant with
a bad temper.
MAX
You're too hard on yourself.
Gotham has no conception of
Morality, only Celebrity. This
city loves visuals. Look at
Batman. Any other city and he
would be in an institution or our
there doing singing telegrams.
Here, he is a hero. You and the
Mayor standing at the same podium
-- I know where I'm aiming my
camera.
Penguin lets his umbrella sword drop to the floor.
Sensing Penguin's change of heart, the Circus Creeps
re-conceal their weapons. An aching Chip stands beside
Max.
PENGUIN
Me? Mayor? I could walk down the
street and no one would laugh at
me or throw a big object at me?
Or make one of those jokes like,
"Did you hear that when Penguin
was born, the doctor came out and
the Father asked 'Doctor, doctor,
is it a boy or a girl?' The
doctor says "Guess again."
A Whinnying Clown laughs at the joke. Penguin, with
swift nonchalance, picks up one of the umbrellas and
slams the Clown back over his chair. Penguin glances
down to a stream of Da Vinciesque (One is of the big red
present).
PENGUIN
I could get Respect....would I
have to give up my hobbies?
MAX
Terrorizing innocent people and
committing heinous felonies? Not
at all. In fact, they'll come in
handy.
PENGUIN
It all sounds divine. Where do I
begin?
MAX
(starting to sit)
Anywhere but here. I think you've
mature past the Old Zoo hideout/
Lair thing. Let's talk about...
INT. MAX'S CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
Max finishes sitting down, and his sentence, in his
groovy chair in the middle of his conference table.
Penguin stands on the table, being tugged into a full
tuxedo outfit by an Ultra-Stylish-and-Polished-to-the-
point-of-instantly-loathesome Man and Woman named PUNCH
AND JULIET. They smoothly fling hats and accessories on
and off the perplexed but flattered freak.
MAX
...the new Penguin. The horrifying
monster aspect of your personality
has been well communicated. My
image consultants Punch and Juliet
are going to bring out your more
Mayoral smile.
PUNCH
We love a challenge. Juliet, the
monocle? Too much?
PENGUIN
Oh how wonderful I...
JULIET
Stand still. And keep the
umbrella. It works for you.
White gloves over a cringing Penguin's webbed hands.
PENGUIN
These things really necessary?
They're so warm...Mr. Shreck
said Gotham likes visuals.
PUNCH
Gotham does like visuals, but
whoa, Pengo, come on...
JULIET
Not a lot of mirror action down
in the sewer I see...
PENGUIN
Hey, you post-yuppie-modern
punks...
MAX
Is there something we can do with
his name?..."The Penguin"...I mean,
no offense...
PUNCH
Hear ya. Our computers came up
with..."Oswald Cobblepot."
JULIET
Unapologetically quirky, but dignified.
PENGUIN
(touched)
A real name....Oswald Cobblepot.
It's as sweet as cotton candy on a
walrus's belly.
PUNCH
M-m-m-m. Good analogy. Tomorrow
the Mayor is going to hold a press
conference to say that you are a
slimy menace trying to tear the
city down into your private hell.
JULIET
You're going to prove to the people
and the media that he is wrong.
PENGUIN
But he's right...
MAX
That, is beside the point. I do
not seem to be getting across
the whole dual nature thing...
PENGUIN
Relax...
(malignant)
By night, I will cause deviously
demented crimes that will put the
city into a foaming frenzy. And
Batman into a retirement of putting
kids on his lap at car shows.
(holy)
By day, I'll cry out to the public
that I'm the only brave soul who
can come in and stop this wave of
deviously demented crimes. In a
way, I'll be the most honest
politician who ever lived.
MAX
By George, I think he's got it.
Punch and Juliet, leave an
itinerary for tomorrow.
Punch, Juliet, and the decked-out Penguin hop off the
table. Chip hobbles up to give Penguin an enormous money
bag. Punch and Juliet give him a file and a cheek kiss,
before strutting off.
PENGUIN
Wow, a non-sexual kiss from another
male. I feel so hip. And Juliet,
you don't think she'd ever, if she
was really drunk...
MAX
(rising up)
The money is to help with the
campaign.
PENGUIN
I mean, like really blotto...
MAX
I'll be giving you a checkbook so
you can pay off and keep in line
the Red Triangle Circus gang and
the rest of the city's scumbags
that you use for your crimewave.
I want this chaos to be organized
....Mr. Oswald Cobblepot.
Penguin squawks and gives a cringing Max a vigorous
hug.
PENGUIN
Oh, Max, buddy, to think I was
going to torture and maim you...
MAX
I'm sure going to miss that
wonderful laugh.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
The new Penguin gracefully parades through the outer
office. He makes a royal pause before a mirror. He
poignantly imitates the reactions of other people.
PENGUIN
Oswald Cobblepot..."Looking good,
Oswald." "Great game Oswald."
"Your table is ready, Mr. Cobblepot"
"This is hard to say, Mr.
Cobblepot, but I think I'm in
love with you..."
Penguin prances out of the office doors and moves off to
the left. Moments later, Selina Kyle huffs in from the
right. She goes to her desk and picks up a file labeled
BRUCE WAYNE. She allows herself a schwoof smile as Max
and Chip emerge from the conference room. She gives off
a wee gasp of surprise.
SELINA
(typically sheepish
babbling)
Oh wow, you scared...I came back
to get the Bruce Wayne file for
tomorrow. I put a reminder for
myself in my machine at home
because I usually check my messages
from work, but in all the
excitement tonight, I...
CHIP
She's lying...
SELINA
Pardonne, Chip...I'm what?
MAX
Selina Kyle. Did you happen to see
who I was chatting with? You see,
it's imperative I not be directly
connected with this person.
SELINA
I..didn't..I swear, Mr. Shreck, I
didn't see anything. Cross my
heart and hope to...Cross my
heart.
MAX
Put yourself in my position. I'm
a very respected man in the
community. If you're fibbing about
how much you've seen and heard
tonight, you could run off and hurt
me. You've been a very decent
assistant, Selina Kyle, but is
this a chance I can take?
SELINA
Yes?
MAX
(stepping forward)
Is your life as important as my
reputation?
SELINA
(stepping backward)
Maybe?
EXT. GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT
The Batmobile putters down a deserted Gotham street.
INT. BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Alfred's face comes on a screen in the Batmobile.
ALFRED (screen)
It is about time you came back,
you..
BATMAN
Soon. The Red Triangle Circus
Gang were always just cheap
thrillseekers. Silly. Easy.
Not tonight.
ALFRED
You do not think there is any
truth to this dark lord of the
gangs, this evil king of the
sewers...this Platypus Man, or
whatever he is..
BATMAN
Penguin.
ALFRED
Surely he is cheap tabloid
fabrication created to sell papers
to people who can't read...
BATMAN
That's what they said about me.
INT. THE OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
Selina begins to leak a couple tears.
SELINA
What is this? How can you be so
mean to someone as meaningless as
me...Don't you see, Mr. Shreck,
that I am alive in here! I mean,
it's not like you can just kill
me...
MAX
Actually, it's a lot like that.
Tense silence. Max smirks into a chuckle. Selina
quivers out a wary smile and wrist wipes a tear as
Max touches her shoulder.
SELINA
Oh Mr. Shreck, you frightened...
Max savagely pushes Selina crashing out the window.
EXT. ALLEY--NIGHT
Selina swirls downward through shattering glass and snow-
flakes with tragic beauty. Her body slam spins around a
protruding horizontal American flagpole, before continu-
ing its White Christmas journey to the drifted gravel of
an alley.
Selina's eyes creak open to see the Batmobile obliviously
motor past the mouth of the alley.
SELINA
...stop...bat..man...
Her eyes close again. Selina's New Black Cat, of all
creatures, scampers up beside her quasi-corpse.
INT. THE OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
Max and Chip looks down through the whistling window.
MAX
Let the police find her. Make
sure the funeral is on me.
CHIP
She wanted it.
Max and Chip stroll off from the window.
EXT. THE ALLEY--NIGHT
Other cats of every shape, color, and demeanor, from aw-
so-cute tabby to violent Tom ramble into view from
behind trash cans, boxes, and snow drifts.
Hypnotically led by Selina's black pal, the cats creep
from every direction toward the female Gulliver.
Selina's cat crawls up onto Selina's blouse and begins
to breathe into her mouth in an eerie feline C.P.R.
ballet.
A Siamese whispers in Selina's ear. White powder puff
kitties snuggle against the soles of her feet. The
malevolently scraggly Tom viciously bites her finger.
Selina's eyes fly open.
INT. SELINA'S APARTMENT--STILL LATER THAT NIGHT
Battered, bloodied, and clutching her stoic black cat,
Selina re-enters her apartment. She is the malevolent
antidote to her poignantly pleasant early evening and
previous life self. She auto-pilots to the sink and
turns the broken faucet on over her bloody finger. This
time, no water comes out at all.
She stares in unmoving, but torrid self-contemplation.
Then she explodes into vivid montage:
With a black spray paint can in each hand, Selina attacks
everything pink and eggshell--carpet, couch, wallpaper--
with brilliant nimbleness.
She flings her childhood pictures off the wall and
perfectly into a mini-bonfire (that includes her sad
Christmas tree) set up on her kitchen nook table.
She lustily shoves a stuffed unicorn into her garbage
disposal. The carnage of other ex-cute toy creatures
are spread about.
The black cat races about, purring in delight.
Selina unfurls her homemade quilt in a wicked spinning
dance.
With a sewing needle, she repeatedly stabs her doll's
house, annihilating the micro-detailed rooms. In close-up,
the rooms seem to be invaded by a giant silver missile.
With her bare hands, she sizzlingly tears the neon
E-L and A from SELINA, turning the neon HELLO, SELINA
into HELLO, SIN.
INT. THE NEXT MORNING--DAY
As the sun rises through the windows, Selina sits in a
lotus position on the floor of her very redone apartment.
She is wearing only a pink football jersey which has
been wickedly altered with black spray paint. She slides
a pristine bowl of milk to her content cat and speaks in
a sultry voice. Her Catwoman voice.
SELINA
I don't know about you, Miss
Kitty, but I feel so. Much.
Yummier.
INT. BATCAVE LABORATORY--MORNING
The sun continues to rise over the sleeping, sweating,
cocked-back head of Bruce Wayne through a small
batcave window. He is leaning on a chair situated
before a lab table teeming with beakers and bunsen
burners.
Flicking away his nightmare like an insect, Bruce immedi-
ately re-concentrates on an unfathomable experiment. He
pours a test tube of nasty red liquid into a beaker of
pleasant blue.
It turns into an almost glowing purple solution.
Bruce moves off from the table with a stark, black
palm-size rectangular object with a computer screen that
resembles a malevolent Gameboy. Bruce counts off to
five, then stops. At five, the beaker behind him
explodes.
INT. WAYNE MANOR LIVING ROOM--DAY
Alfred is standing on a stepladder stretching ornaments
out onto a Christmas tree. He gives an annoyed glance
toward a blaring T.V. screen where the impressed-with-
himself Mayor goes into a big speech made before a less
impressed group of reporters and citizens.
MAYOR (T.V.)
And Batman said to me, "Mayor,
we're not going to let this
happen again."
(stupidly dramatic)
And I said, "You better believe
it."
Bruce wanders into the living room, punching at his dark
Gameboy. On the screen, a red dot eats up a group of
white dots. A bristling-at-the-Mayor's-words Alfred
stumbles back. Bruce effortlessly palms him back onto
the ladder.
BRUCE
Keep saying to yourself "It's
only a T.V. show..."
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
The bored crowd musters polite applause. The MAYOR'S
WIFE, is seated by her droning husband, bouncing a
baby on her lap.
MAYOR
Whether this "Penguin" is ruler
of the literal "Underworld" or
just an old wives' tale. I tell
you as a leader...
(motioning to wife
and baby)
and as a father, that I'm not
afraid to..kick a little you know
what...heh, heh.
The crowd yawns up into some more lukewarm clapping when
a gnarling THUG-ACROBAT, in a red cape and tights that
have a red triangle across the chest, somersaults onto
the stage and snatches up the Mayor's baby.
The crowd screams as the Thug-Acrobat effortlessly pivot-
kicks the Mayor to the wood and moves to the podium,
hoisting the baby like an Oscar.
THUG-ACROBAT
I'm not much on speeches... so
I'll just say "Thanks."
The Thug-Acrobat spin-vaults over the podium and full-
backs through the crowd with the baby as his pigskin,
toward an open manhole. He dives in. As the crowd
hustles over, the Thug Acrobat can be heard screaming and
fighting.
THUG-ACROBAT (O.S.)
Oh no, it's the Penguin! Help!
INT. THE SEWER--DAY
Penguin and the Thug-Acrobat are revealed in the sewer,
barely containing their laughter. They shout upward in
bogus melodrama, while pounding the sides of the sewer
with pipes. The Bearded Lady gently rocks the placid
baby.
THUG-ACROBAT
Penguin, don't hurt me!
PENGUIN
Take that you scoundrel!
Penguin throws down his pipe and palatially mounts his
Scissor-Lift apparatus. The Bearded Lady gives him the
baby and a blast of breath spray. Penguin raises the
baby as if offering it to the gods as the Dwarves crank
upward.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
With breathtaking theatricality, the baby ascends out of
the manhole to the gasps of the crowd. With suspenseful
cranking, the baby holding hands, arms, face, and body of
Penguin surges out to even more booming moans of wonder.
INT. WAYNE MANOR--DAY
Alfred and Bruce simultaneously gravitate onto a couch.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
Still poising the baby in the air, Penguin promenades
forward, parting the gaping sea of faces in Moses
fashion.
Marching up toward the microphone, Penguin delicately
presents the gurgling baby to its grateful Mother and
hands his hat and holstered umbrella to the brushing-
himself-off Mayor as if the Mayor was a coat-check
Eunuch.
PENGUIN
My name is... Oswald Cobblepot.
You call me something else. Bank
gets robbed, you say Penguin must
have done it. Bunch of Circus
Meanies shoot the Christmas tree,
children skip school, priests take
drugs-- you say Penguin must have
told them to. I tell you, I
haven't done anything-- and that
goes for more than crimes. The
closest I ever came to playing a
game of basketball was hearing the
sound of dribbling on the manholes
above my head. The closest I ever
came to going to a dance was
finding a corsage in a puddle of
sewer sludge. The closest I ever
came to making love to a woman...
well, don't worry, it's way off...
Way off...I wore that corsage for
a week.
Tears roll down the faces of the moved crowd. Punch and
Juliet give each other a thumbs-up sign. Mayor helpless-
ly looks to the top hat and umbrella in his hand.
PENGUIN
I've seen the city from the inside
and I can tell you...It is the
worst of times, it is the worst of
times. I have a terrible feeling,
don't ask me how I know, that
starting tonight there is going to
be a major crimewave. And Mayor,
I don't want you to take this the
wrong way, but if you can't
protect your own baby, there's not
a lot of hope for us. Things are
going to get a lot worse, before
they get better. Unless there is
someone who can teach this city
how to love.
Someone who can remind you just
how much you have. Someone like
me.
The roused crowd explodes into cheers.
INT. WAYNE MANOR--DAY
Bruce pounds off the TV. Alfred roams back to the tree.
ALFRED
(dryly)
You're not crying.
BRUCE
I'm not crying. And he's not for
real.
ALFRED
Well, it's certainly the strangest
publicity stunt I've ever...
BRUCE
Publicity for what? I don't know
who scared me more. Him or the
society he so easily makes a fool
of.
(darkly)
They deserve each other.
ALFRED
Should I cancel your meeting with
Max Shreck this morning. You seem
a bit...
(to object in his
hand)
Oh look, do you remember...It's
from the Christmas just before Ms.
Vale decided to leave Gotham City
and...
Alfred marvels a sparkling ornament shining VICKI toward
a less enthused Bruce.
BRUCE
I remember. Merry Christmas,
Vicki Vale, wherever the hell you
are...
Drifting off, he sadly throws the ornament, past an
alarmed Alfred, into a raging fireplace. A popping noise
booms out.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
Ornaments on the humongous Gotham Plaza Christmas Tree
pop and explode as well. A REPAIRMAN shouts for the
power to be turned off and it is. Other MECHANICS hustle
about the tree.
Bruce Wayne gazes at this hapless exercise and takes in
the rest of the sweeping and clearing of last night's
debris. He swings toward the entrance of Shreck's
department store.
INT. INSIDE THE STORE--DAY
Bruce roves through the hectic department store interior,
visually inhaling the store's tacky decorations, its
Batobilia wearing child patrons rattling loud toy Uzis,
and its awesomely poisonous Chipmunk muzak. Depressed,
Bruce reaches the elevator.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--DAY
Max and Chip give deadpan stares out the shattered office
window to the empty patch of snow in the alley below.
Snow has wisped into the office.
MAX
Hmmm, I hope nothing unduly icky
happened to her. Devoured by
homeless reindeer, or perhaps...
Bruce.
BRUCE
Max. Interesting air
conditioning.
Bruce Wayne enters into the office for a firm handshake
with Max, eyes drifting to the splintered window.
CHIP
Yeah, bunch of those crazy Circus
punks were throwing rocks and...
BRUCE
No. No glass on the inside.
MAX
Interesting.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Bruce eases into a chair at the circular conference
table. Max paces around him.
MAX
I would offer you coffee, but I am
afraid my assistant is using her
vacation time. Death in the
family.
BRUCE
Had some excitement here last
night...
MAX
You don't know the half of it...My
first experience with Batman.
Have you ever...
BRUCE
No. What did you think of him?
MAX
Hell, I thought he was terrific,
saved me from a bunch of hyenas
with knives on their heads.
Little on the quiet loner side.
We didn't exactly go out for
drinks. I wonder if he works
parties... You know I'm doing the
masquerade thing again this year.
Bring Vicki...
BRUCE
We're still not seeing...
MAX
Ouch. Vicki was too good for you.
You need a woman with those same
moody interests you have...
BRUCE
(chuckling)
Sounds pretty frightening.
Bruce loses his smile to get serious.
BRUCE
I'm not coming in on the chemical
plant. It's an environmental joke
and you know it. Besides, I'm
told the Mayor...
Going into his Hyde mode, Max turns to his Music Box and
again begins to abuse it, this time by poking a sharp
instrument through the body of the spinning ballerina as
he speaks.
MAX
The Mayor problem is being dealt
with. Bruce, when are you going
to drop the high and mighty
philanthropist routine...
BRUCE
Max, I'm out. We sit on the same
boards and panels together, but
come on, we're different. You got
yourself a cute little kitty as a
logo because those creepy market
research handlers of yours said it
would give you a friendlier public
image. But Max, I know you,
you're a tough businessman and no
offense, not very cute.
MAX
(to ringing phone)
...hold that thought.
INT. PENGUIN'S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
A large mock-up drawing of OSWALD COBBLEPOT FOR MAYOR is
being tacked on a wall of the top level of a warehouse/
loft. The Circus Spooks are roughhousing about. The
Tattooed Strongman is twirling a barbell while a Steely
Garish Dame aggressively engraves a tattoo of a screaming
Batman onto his chest.
The viewer finally comes to Penguin barking into an all-
white phone in an all-white (except for some bizarre
hanging Suesslike cages filled with birds) Iglooesque
office space.
PENGUIN
Maxwell, my man, how's it hanging?
I had that crowd in the web of my
hand. I bared my soul and they
liked it! Whoever said the Truth
is the Ultimate Lie wasn't lying
...Is this a bad time, pardner?
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Max grimaces a smile of pain.
INT. PENGUIN'S OFFICE--DAY
Penguin covers his mouth with an agonizingly gleeful
squawk.
PENGUIN
Oops, sounds like I should of
called to say I'd be calling.
Blink once for yes, Blink twi--Ha!
But seriously, Max I...
At a window in the headquarters, outside Penguin's
office, a pressed together band of the sideshow brigands
gaze down to PEDESTRIANS at a lamppost across the street,
who intermittently press a round Walk/Don't Walk button
attached to the lamppost.
Each time, a varied Gotham citizen presses this button, a
new number lights up on a Scoreboardish device next to a
stationary number of 70. The current number is 65.
LURID SNAKE CHARMER
Mr. Cobblepot, you better hurry,
there's only eight more to go!
Penguin lights up at her words, and hurries along Max.
MAX
Well-Max-sorry-to-bother-you-for-
the-inconvenience! It-won't-
happen-again-real-soon! Sayonara-
mon-capitaine! May-your-days-be-
filled-with-Bon-Voyagees.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Getting comfortable, the deceptively chattering Max makes
daring eye contact with Bruce.
MAX
Oh now, what's the hurry,
"pardner"? I just think we have
to keep a low profile on our
hostile venture. Did you get my
special gift for the employees?
INT. PENGUIN'S OFFICE--DAY
Penguin antsily holds up a mighty stack of checks labeled
Cobblepot Campaign Fund. He whimpers, stretching his
phone cord as far as it can go, unsuccessfully trying to
jockey a glimpse out the window.
PENGUIN
Special gift? That's secret code
for the checks, right? Got 'em
right here! You're the man!
You're the guy! Golly, you must
busy as a bee during a visit from
the Queen so I'm gonna go...
EXT. LAMPPOST OUTSIDE HEADQUARTERS--DAY
An OBNOXIOUS LITTLE BOY skips up to the lamppost and then
presses the button three times...
INT. HEADQUARTERS--DAY
67, 68, and 69 light up next to the 70 as the watching
Penguin henchpeople let out an "OH" in cadence of each
press.
DWARF ONE
One more!
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Bruce looks away to give a disturbed glance to the
strangely damaged Music Box and its impaled ballerina.
MAX
The second phase of the operation
begins tonight. The hands-on
part. Don't hold back.....
Goodbye.
EXT. THE LAMPPOST--DAY
An instantly annoying JOGGER, with a heart beat monitor
and a T-shirt that reads GO FOR IT, rudely pushes past a
Nun up to the lamppost, then putters around it, then
starts jogging in place.
INT. THE OFFICE--DAY
Penguin squawks away, slamming down the phone.
PENGUIN
Bye!
The jogger presses the button.
A 70-70 gets emblazoned on the scoreboard.
The button, the lamppost, and the jogger erupt in a neat
nasty explosion.
The Circus Gang all high five each other as Penguin
bustles hopefully to the window. Seeing the flaming-
seconds-too-late-aftermath, Penguin detonates into primal
anger, then sobs.
PENGUIN
Wha...oh unfair! Unfair! I
missed it!...Oh, I can't
believe...
HAPPY CLOWN
Don't feel bad, Penguin, you can
just set up another...
Penguin slams the Happy Clown over a desk with his
umbrella.
PENGUIN
My name is not Penguin, it's
Oswald Cobblepot! And I like to
feel bad! Oh, I missed it! I
can't believe...
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Bruce stands. Max shakes his hand.
BRUCE
No hard feelings?
MAX
(a beat)
No feelings at all. Sorry about
the interruptions. I need my
assistant to screen out...
BRUCE
Relax, there she is now...
MAX
Come again?
A dazed Max turns to see a spunkier and slyer, more
assertively dressed and coiffed, Selina Kyle sashay into
the conference room with her hand bandaged and her head
up.
MAX
Selina?....Selina....Selina.
SELINA
That's my name, Maximillions,
don't wear it out.
MAX
Uh, Selina Kyle, this is Bruce
Wayne.
BRUCE
We've met.
SELINA
We have?
BRUCE
Oh. Sorry. I must be mistaking
me for someone else.
SELINA
You mean mistaking me for someone
else?
BRUCE
That's what I said.
SELINA
(amused)
Yeah, but...
BRUCE
(amused, but let's
change the subject)
What happened to your finger?
Selina's babbling has a new, sultry confidence.
SELINA
Let's just say the broken window
out there didn't come from Little
League practice, Mr. Wayne. I
came here to get a file, then bam,
next thing I know, I'm making
angels in the snow in the alley
below. Wow, rhymes.
(pause to look at
Max)
Thing is, I have no memory of who
of what pushed me through that
window. I mean, it's not complete
amnesia. I still remember Dan
Schwartz putting 28 cockroaches in
my thermos in fifth grade and I
still remember getting my first
French Kiss from the counselor at
the Boy's camp across the swamp,
but last night--It's a complete
blur.
(slapping Max on back)
Can't you just die?
MAX
...what a hoot.
BRUCE
It's hard to get thrown out of a
window, fall--what is it--five
stories, and keep your sense of
humor.
SELINA
You sound like you speak from
experience.
BRUCE
Always. I hope to see you again.
SELINA
Hope? You can do better than
that.
BRUCE
You might be right.
Chip comes in with a tray of coffee which he dumps onto
himself at the sight of Selina. Oblivious of the slap-
stick, Bruce smiles-at-Selina his way out of the room.
They watch Bruce close the door behind him. Selina
silently keeps her back turned to a gulping Max and Chip
for a beat, before merrily wielding around.
SELINA
Hey guys, now how about a real cup
of joe? Double expresso, isn't it?
Selina bounds out of the room. Max and Chip deflate.
MAX
Find out if her memory is as
unrefreshed as she says it is.
Any little flashback sequences
you know what to do. Don't worry,
this one doesn't have a beard.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--DAY
Selina angrily squeezes blood from her finger into a
coffee maker.
SELINA
Why did you kill me, Max?
Selina looks up to the friendly cat logo clock and is
transfixed. She touches out with her bloody finger.
EXT. OUTSIDE--DAY
Bruce comes out of the store, allowing himself a slight
smile.
BRUCE
Se-lin-a Kyle.
Bruce does a quick, playful slide in the snow, then look-
ing off, halts both slide and smile. In the distance:
EXT. THE STREET CORNER--DAY
Commissioner Gordon and some other policemen are scoping
the scene of the Walk/Don't Walk explosion. An ANALYST
treads toward him, holding some wires.
Bruce approaches the scene. He gives a glance to the
jogger's now frayed heartbeat monitor which is beeping
out of control in a pool of slush.
GORDON
My God, Bruce, you shouldn't have
to see this. Some freak set up a
bomb in that Walk/Don't Walk
button. How they knew this guy
would press it at the exact....
BRUCE
This wasn't set up to kill someone
specific. It was set up for a
good time.
As Bruce speaks, he strides ahead of Gordon and the lat-
ter scrambles to catch up, in the same syncopation they
had when Bruce was Batman in Gotham Square.
GORDON
I tell you, these Xmas crimes have
no rhyme or reason.
BRUCE
Maybe it's just a different kind
of poetry. Did you just say Xmas?
GORDON
Sorry, bad habit. Damn, Wayne,
since when did you become such a
super-sleuth?
Bruce stops, realizing he's being a little too Batman.
BRUCE
Sorry. The idle rich can be a real
pain. Too many short stories,
hidden word games--How many monkeys
can you find in this picture--that
kind of thing.
GORDON
Don't apologize, I'll take all
the help I can...
BRUCE
(looking up)
Well, in the words of the city's
new superstar, it's going to get a
lot worse, before it gets better..
Bruce is revealed to be looking up at a flaming Christmas
wreath hanging on a wire near the scorched lamppost.
INT. PENGUIN'S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
With the lamppost flames in the background, Penguin wipes
away a tear, sucks up his composure, and holds up the
checkbook. The collection of Circus Creeps and Colorful-
ly dressed gang members orbit around him as he begins
scribbling out checks and handing them out. Excitement
builds to a pep-rally pitch.
OTHER GANGS enter from the back: six HERCULEAN
Frankenstein-postured MEN WITH SPIKY TUFTS OF WHITE HAIR,
three gruesome men in vibrant GOLFER uniforms, and a pair
of otherwise handsome TWINS WITH THE SAME SET OF SCARS ON
THEIR FACE.
PENGUIN
Everyone! I see some new faces
out there! Gather around! I am
hungry and I've been denied my
little snack! It just means I'm
going to have to eat a big dinner,
doesn't it? My good people.... or
whatever we are, this is our
chance to do something meaningful
with our lives!
(motioning out
windows)
And their deaths...
EXT. FROM A GOTHAM ROOFTOP--EARLY EVENING
A spooky pack of the Carnival denizens silently scramble
down a street below. Next, a Fire Engine with Freaked
Up Clowns hanging off it sinisterly rambles in and out
of view. Finally, the Ratty Poodle trots an unsettling
appearance.
A chilly Chip, shaking his head, is revealed to be watch-
ing the ghoulish sight. Standing atop a rooftop, Chip
turns his attentions to the windows of Selina's apart-
ment. Narrowing his eyes, he watches Selina waltz by,
balancing a sewing machine on her head, and unbuttoning
her blouse with the neon HELLO SIN flashing behind her.
INT. INSIDE THE APARTMENT--EVENING
The viewer gets an intense, elliptical array of close-
ups of Selina's hands sewing together something black.
A sewing needle is snapped in half, sharpened and then
attached to an apparatus on Selina's finger that makes
it pop in and out like a talon.
EXT. THE ROOF--EVENING
An increasingly alarmed and confused Chip squints to see
Selina in bra and panties, carrying an air hammer and
wearing industrial safety goggles.
CHIP
(bolting up)
What is wrong with this female?
INT. THE APARTMENT--EVENING
A knock on the door. Chip pushes it open and pokes in.
The room is darkened, except for some deftly lit candles
that avoid revealing the more outrageous elements of the
place. Chip can make out the sight of Selina erotically
emblazoned over her couch, petting her cat, and wearing
only an absurdly Isadora-Duncan-long, strategically
draped scarf.
CHIP
Uh, Selina...
SELINA
Why hello, Mr. Chip, I can't hide
my feelings about you any longer.
Chip gulps forward, stepping onto the almost glowing,
mystically unspray painted pink carpet. And into. The
lumbering Tan giant begins to sink and flail inside
what is a square of pink quicksand. Selina rises from
the couch, cloaked in darkness.
CHIP
Selina, this is not too cool. Help
me!
SELINA
Oh Chip, I am helping you. Helping
you realize your potential as a
human being. Unfortunately, you
have none.
Chip tries to lunge out of the quicksand. A cat o' nine
tails whip snaps out from the darkness, and lashes
him back in.
SELINA
You've probably figured out you're
being killed. Having gone through
the process last night, I can
relate. It's not a whole hell of
a lot of fun, is it? Oh Chip, you
really know how to make a gal feel
happy.
Chip makes his final quicksand bob, leaving behind a
lone bubble. Selina moves into the light, tugging
into a black second skin, fixing a feline mask on
her face. Catwoman purrs.
INT. MUSEUM CORRIDOR--NIGHT
Penguin squawks. He gleefully moves to a dark corridor
window, accompanied by a clipboard clutching Punch and
Juliet and the Twins with the matching set of scars on
her face.
PENGUIN
Punch and Juliet....note for my
bio..."It began with a poodle..."
Penguin is revealed to be looking out the window down to
a SLEEK AND PRETTY LINE OF SHOPS, CAFES, AND BOUTIQUES.
He pulls out a conductors baton, raps it on the wood a
couple times, then begins waving it symphonically.
EXT. THE GLITZY PROMENADE--NIGHT
The outdoor Mallish promenade running the gauntlet
between the pretty shops is filled with the stylish and
upwardly mobile. Incongruously into the mix comes the
RATTY POODLE, carrying a little wrapped gift. He trots
into...
INT. A BOUTIQUE--NIGHT
A small Christmas party is going on. A SLEAZY BIJAN-
ESQUE EUROSNOB is proposing a toast before a massive,
intricate pyramid of perfume bottles, labeled SUBMISSION.
EUROSNOB
To my fabulous product, Submission,
the smell of Gotham City...
EUROSNOBETTE
Ooh, look at the little doggie.
Isn't it...
(realizing its
uncuteness)
...horrible.
The poodle scoots between the Eurosnob's legs into the
perfume pyramid. He emerges back out with bottle in
his mouth. He gives off an icky whimper of satisfaction
and runs out of the boutique. The partiers slowly turn
to the pyramid of perfume bottles which rumbles and
AVALANCHES TO SHREDS.
Laying neatly atop the wreckage is the Poodle's present.
It starts to smoke. The boutique crowd roars out of
the store as the little present blows up.
EXT. THE PROMENADE--NIGHT
The familiar Fire Engine, with colored wheels and strange
sounding horns, thunders up to the smoking boutique...
Smiles of relief vanish as the Tawdry Fire-Clowns hop
from the engine, blasting out their hoses which SHOOT OUT
MORE FIRE INTO THE FLAMING STORE.
An ambulance next screeches up. Another SPOOKY SET OF
CLOWNS in stethoscopes and Doctor mirror headgear pop
forth with mallets. They whomp the Eurosnob tycoon and
his guests into stretchers. The stretchers are piled
back into the ambulance which proceeds to zoom across
the way, right into an antique store.
A line of the garishly dressed, cigar smoking, Steely
Dames materializes to start a chain to pass the loot of
the store. The Bearded Lady, at the end of the chain,
cheerfully smashes each object to the ground.
The rest of the Gotham Night-lifers tremble into panic
as the rest of Penguin's defrocked circus crew
announce their presence.
INT. MUSEUM CORRIDOR--NIGHT
Penguin is now conducting his baton in a Wagnerian
frenzy. His grotesquely pleasant view of the city side-
walks dressed in holiday style has now become pleasantly
grotesque.
PENGUIN
This campaign in going to be a
landslide. Our turn.
Marching down the corridor, Penguin, by radar, stops
before a row of lights imbedded in a wall. He snaps
his fingers. Juliet pulls out a hair spray can,
gives her own noggin a quick blast, then sprays forward,
revealing the beams of light. Penguin nods, then walks
right through the lights.
INT. MUSEUM ROOM--NIGHT
A red light, along with a buzzing sound, flashes on the
belts of TWO BLUSTERING GUARDS. They reach for the guns,
but Penguin fires a pistol six times in the air as he
swings before the quivering duo with his entourage.
PENGUIN
Greetings. Finally something to
tell your wives, huh?
GUARD ONE
But we're not married.
PENGUIN
It's okay, I'm probably going to
kill you anyway. However,
(gently PBS)
first, we've come for the Shell
of the North, found by explorers
only eight years ago, it's
enigmatic beauty is only exceeded
by its gorgeous mystery and vice
versa. Its value is...
GUARD TWO
Sir, the Shell of the North exhibit
ended last week. This is the Star
of Darkness exhibit.
PENGUIN
Oh...well, what the hell; we're
here.
The Criss-cross Scarfaced Twins rumble over to the
delicately lit black diamond in the museum room and
pull it off its perch. A much more serious,
rhythmically on and off, alarm warbles on.
EXT. THE PROMENADE--NIGHT
Terror is in full swing with pockets of Warped activity
mingling everywhere. A goggled ORGAN GRINDER plunges
down on his Organ Box causing an explosion on an Insta-
Teller machine. His MONKEY hops up to snatch up
billowing out cash.
A SAP holding a radio boom box gets besieged by the five
irons of the malevolent Golfers. His radio box slides to
the ground with a D.J. screaming out of it.
D.J. VOICE ON BOOMBOX
Before we get into a half-hour
commercial free, I gotta tell you
I've just been handed something
that says...get this, that Gotham
City is being attacked by a
combination of every gang in.....
Aaagh! Help!
Wicked laughter and violence can be heard on the boombox
as a CIRCUS CREEP in a moth-eaten old-style baseball
pitcher uniform tosses a series of old-fashioned round
black fuse-lit smoke bombs to the Tattooed Strongman who
bats them exploding into various walls and windows,
including the window of a suave venetianed blinded diner.
PATRONS of the Diner thunder out of the door. A COUPLE
rushes directly to the viewer, then stops and smiles.
THE HUSBAND
Oh, Batman, thank God!
EXT. OTHER SIDE OF THE RESTAURANT--NIGHT
Another set of patrons hightail it out of the Diner in
a different direction. They also stop to look at the
camera.
WOMAN IN BIB
Oh Batman, finally...
EXT. THE BACK OF THE RESTAURANT--NIGHT
A TEAM OF ITALIAN COOKS burst out of the back of the
restaurant. They happily sigh before the viewer.
COOKS
Pensavo che stavo muerto,
gracie dio.....BATMAN!
EXT. A WIDER VIEW FROM ABOVE--NIGHT
reveals THE SIX GLOWERING, FRANKENSTEIN-SIZED SLEAZES
DRESSED IN TAWDRY BUT MILDLY REALISTIC BATMAN OUTFITS.
Their spiky tufts of white hair stick out the edges of
their masks. They chillingly stride forward, cracking
their knuckles.
The Patrons in all directions drop their smiles of relief
and begin to back up. The Batmans swarm forward.
The Italian Cooks are revealed to be looking at a HAIRY
WHITE BABOON in a Batman outfit. They bail.
INT. THE MUSEUM ROOM--NIGHT
Penguin raises up his handgun.
PENGUIN
You guys have been just great, more
incompetent than I could have ever
hoped for, but...
PUNCH
You see, Mr Cobblepot wants to
be Mayor and he's just doing these
crimes to make the current mayor
look bad.
JULIET
Needless to say, if someone found
out about the premeditated nature
of these random crimes Dot. Dot.
Dot.
GUARD ONE
Say no more, we won't tell anyone.
GUARD TWO
You've got our vote!
PENGUIN
Cute. Really, it's for the
best...
Penguin fires the handgun. It clicks on an empty
chamber. The Guards joyously pull out theirs.
GUARD ONE
Ha! That gun's only a
six-shooter!
GUARD TWO
And you already shot off your six!
PENGUIN
When you're right, you're right.
Here's Seven.
Penguin blasts a laser from the tip of his umbrella that
shish-kebabs through both guards, toppling them to the
ground.
EXT. THE DINER ON THE PROMENADE--NIGHT
Just as the victims did before, one of the thrashing
Batmans looks directly to the viewer. He stops beating
to lustily spout.
BATCREEP #1
What are you waiting for, join in!
His P.O.V. reveals that he is looking at the real Batman,
who allows the BatCreep a second of white faced realiza-
tion before ripping off his mask and savagely pounding
him to the ground.
The other Batcreeps reach into their bat belts and pull
out surreally shaped knives. Batman reaches into his
bat-belt and pulls out his suave black Gameboy. As if
bored on a plane, Batman casually punches in a set of
white dots and one red one.
With a simultaneous howl, the Batcreeps charge at Batman
from every direction. Batman presses a button on his
Gameboy that causes batarang flanks to rocket-sprout out
of the oblong object. Batman heaves the super-batarang.
The super-batarang whizzes with wild concentration, pin-
balling from Batcreep skull to Batcreep skull, slamming
them all to the ground. The batarang boomerang-wobbles
back to Batman's hand. The white dots on the screen
blink off. The victorious red dot beeps.
Hearing squeals, Batman rack-focuses to take in the
street full of beatings and squealings and smoke bombs.
Batman glides forward in disbelief when his attention is
captured by the sound of the alarm coming from a nearby
building marked MUSEUM.
EXT. THE ROOF--NIGHT
The Scarfaced Adonises pound through a rooftop door and
scramble across it. Twin One proudly holding forth the
black diamond with a victorious titter.
Suddenly, a familiar cat o' nine tails whip slaps around
Scarface's diamond toting hand and pulls him into a face
to face with CATWOMAN--the costumed Selina speaks in her
sultry, unlike-herself voice. She plucks away the
diamond.
CATWOMAN
Oh, for me?....Tic Tac Toe!
Catwoman slashes out with her homemade talons over the
thug's criss-crossing scars. Twin Two savagely kicks her
in the stomach. Catwoman pants and giggles.
CATWOMAN
You know...I've never done this
before.
Twin Two rustles out a gun, but Catwoman Rockettes it
EXT. FRONT OF THE MUSEUM--NIGHT
Penguin proudly waddles from the museum, carrying a
painting and shoving a cigarette into a cigarette holder
in his mouth. Batman swerves before him. Penguin
stretches out his gloved hand.
PENGUIN
Batman! I feel that I know you.
Oswald Cobblepot.
BATMAN
Pleasure's all yours. Bargain
hunting?
PENGUIN
Oh, you mean, the Museum. And the
alarm. And the general mood of
complete chaos. I guess "Penguin
must have done it."
BATMAN
Great speech today. How you
predicted all this was going to
happen...Amazing. You might get a
date of it.
Penguin lifts his flipper and pretends to be stung by the
heat emanating from Batman.
PENGUIN
Tough day at the office?...Quit
while you're alive. You're
jealous, because your mask isn't
real. You hate me because I'm a
freak.
BATMAN
You're just another depressing,
greedy egomaniac. I don't hate
you for being a freak, I hate you
for being normal. You're an
insult to penguins.
PENGUIN
(laughing)
Why can't I get mad at you? It
must be the pointy ears. But
seriously, I'm here as a concerned
citizen. Somebody tried to steal
this painting. When I made...
heard those gunshots, I...
TWO POLICE CARS, siren around a corner toward the museum.
BATMAN
I'm sure your detailed "eyewitness
report" will give the boys at the
station a good laugh.
PENGUIN
(mimicking)
"...will give the boys at the
station.." Look who's pretending
to be normal now; A nice "just
doing my duty, ma'am"
crimefighter. How sad, adorable,
and funny, all at the same time.
You'll never win that way, Batboy,
but then, you know that.
EXT. LEDGE OF A BUILDING--NIGHT
Each sucking on a big bamboo pole, Punch and Juliet
balance on the ledge of a nearby building. They blow
down hard on the passing police cars.
EXT. THE POLICE CARS--NIGHT
A small orange transistor goes plinking into each of the
two car's windshields.
EXT. THE MUSEUM--NIGHT
Penguin pulls out a similar orange transistor device,
drops the painting, and spews out the cigarette holder.
BATMAN
Is that all you have to say for
yourself?
PENGUIN
There's one other thing...
(into transistor)
"Laser Bunny."
His device starts to whine.
EXT. THE POLICE CARS--NIGHT
At the sound of the two words, the two transistors let
off a bizarre, piercingly corresponding siren sound.
Suddenly, the PIGEONS OF GOTHAM CITY, and all other kinds
of urban birds, GO INSANE. They kamikaze down toward the
sirens, thundering themselves against the windshields of
the cars, causing them to skid and convulse into trash-
cans and brownstones.
EXT. THE MUSEUM STEPS--NIGHT
Batman spins from the destruction, back to Penguin, who
is opening his umbrella.
PENGUIN
Love to stay and gab, but I gotta
fly...
The steel rods of Penguin's umbrella begin to spin out of
control, shredding off the black cloth and turning into a
mini-helicopter that lifts Penguin off the ground.
Batman scuffles below him, maneuvering out his
bat-a-rang.
PENGUIN
Well, don't just stand there...Oh
yeah, you're the one without
superpowers...
Batman prepares to hurl the batarang when from out of a
manhole beneath him, the Lurid Snake Charmer Woman las-
soes a python around Batman's ankle and yanks him.
Batman's multi-cool batarang clacks to the ground.
Before Batman can notice, the Ratty Poodle teeths it up
and scampers away. Batman kicks the Lurid woman and her
snake back into the manhole. Penguin has sputtered out
of range.
EXT. SKY--NIGHT
Penguin swirls through the air with a mad cackle. He
looks down to a rooftop below him to see Catwoman wallop
the remaining Twin.
PENGUIN
And what do we have here? A new
girl in town.
Penguin playfully makes a cat yelping noise.
EXT. ROOFTOP--NIGHT
Catwoman cackles up to the choppering away Penguin in
admiration as Twin Two crumples to the ground. She flips
the diamond over her head, pauses for a breath of sanity,
and then does a giddy leap onto the next building's
drainpipe.
EXT. THE STREET BELOW DRAINPIPE--NIGHT
A relatively normal looking MUGGER is pinning a FEMALE
VICTIM to the side of a building and rummaging into her
purse.
MUGGER
That's it, pretty, young thing,
nice and easy...
FEMALE VICTIM
Please don't hurt me, I'll do
anything...
Catwoman launches down, perfectly wrapping her legs
around the mugger's neck. She claps her hands together
with the mugger's head in the middle. She sinks to a
standing position on the sidewalk as his moaning body
sags downward.
CATWOMAN
I just love a big strong man who's
not afraid to show it, with
someone half his size.
FEMALE VICTIM
Thank you, thank you, I was so
scared...
CATWOMAN
Oh, shut up!
Catwoman slams the Female Victim back against the
building.
CATWOMAN
You make it so easy, don't you,
pretty pathetic young thing?
Always waiting for some Batman to
save you...HA!
EXT. PROMENADE BEFORE THE MUSEUM--NIGHT
Commissioner Gordon hatches out of one of the crumpled,
bird-corpse-covered police cars. Batman removes one of
the transistor devices from the windshield.
GORDON
Birds! I'm completely outmanned
to begin with and now the creeps
got Mother Nature on the
payroll...
BATMAN
It was Penguin. Behind this. All
of this.
GORDON
You mean, Mr. Cobblepot? Now why
go blaming him? I mean, where is
he? Do you have any...
BATMAN
Stop. It's not the time...
Batman closes up the transistor in his hand and moves off
into the smoking chaos of Gotham's Rodeo Drive. Gordon
gives him a thoughtful glance before the Mugger and his
Female Victim clamor up.
MUGGER
She had claws!
FEMALE VICTIM
That's what I'm saying! She was a
Catwoman!
EXT. MAX'S DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
Catwoman saunters up to the door of a closed Shreck's
department store. She makes a thoughtful pause before
the Shreck Kitten logo on the glass, then punctures it
with her talons.
EXT. THE THICK OF THE SMOKING PROMENADE--NIGHT
Batman sheriff-struts into the dark mist. The Raggedy
Sword Swallower leaps out at him. Batman gives him a
strategic elbow to the ribs and pulls a sword from his
mouth. A MANIAC WITH AN ABSURD BOMB STRAPPED TO HIS
CHEST pops out next.
MANIAC BOMBER
Stop or I'll blow up this
entire...
Before he can finish his sentence, Batman impolitely
lashes out with the sword and, sparks flying, shears the
bomb from the bomber's chest. Batman catches the bomb,
hooks it to his bat-belt, then slams the Maniac Bomber to
the ground with the back of the sword. Flinging away the
sword, Batman rumbles further.
INT. THE DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
Catwoman dashes down an aisle, outstretching her arms to
shred the priceless blouses of a gauntlet of pouting
mannequins.
CATWOMAN
Born to shop.
With her whip, Catwoman latches up to an overhead Mobile
of Christmas decorations and Art Deco snowflakes. With a
yank, she causes them to grandiosely hail upon the
ground.
At the sound of shattering, an ELITELY UNIFORMED PAIR OF
SECURITY GUARDS rev up into a gently scrambling through
the strategically darkened store. They round a corner to
see Catwoman merrily bouncing upon a trampoline.
From Catwoman's rising and falling POV, the Security Men
look up with every adjective of confusion and excitement.
SECURITY ONE
Who is she? What is she?
SECURITY TWO
I don't know whether to shoot or
fall in love.
CATWOMAN
Try both.
The Guards draw up their guns. Catwoman spins out of
orbit and swooshes down upon their looking up faces,
thrashing them to the ground. She fluidly cartwheels to
a wall tile, that she bashes open, revealing a propane
tank. She talons off a hose, letting gas hiss into the
air.
SECURITY TWO
Please! We're innocent! Our take
home is less than 300 a week..
CATWOMAN
You're not innocent, you're alive.
And overpaid.
She hugs out for an armful of car care aerosols and then
skippingly stashes them into a line of microwave ovens.
Flouncing backward, she beeps them into starting.
EXT. ANOTHER PLACE IN THE SMOKING PROMENADE--NIGHT
The Thug-Acrobat from the press conference, and another
LIKE CAPED GANG MEMBER hold out their checks in the deep
discussion.
THUG-ACROBAT
I scored a bonus for the press
conference-Baby thing.
LIKE-CAPED GANGSTER
You got start saving your
receipts, man.
Emerging from the smoke behind them, Batman sledgehammers
down the Caped Gangster then latches out to the running
away cape of the Thug Acrobat. He violently swings the
Acrobat off the ground into a harsh lamppost-wraparound
collision. Batman catches the Acrobats floating off
check, before looking up to see the Tattooed Strongman
growl out of the smoke before him.
TATTOOED STRONGMAN
Oh, no big bad car tonight. No
spiky things to shoot at my head.
(pounding his Batman-
tattooed chest)
Before I kill you, I let you hit
me. Hit me. Come on, hit as hard
as you can. I need a good laugh.
Batman quickly swings into the Strongman's stomach. The
Tattooed leviathan roars with laughter.
TATTOOED STRONGMAN
You call that a...
The Tattooed Strongman stops laughing when he looks down
and sees that Batman has attached the Maniac's bomb to
the Not-so-Strongman's leopard skin. The Tattooed
Strongman squeals past Batman right into an open manhole.
An explosion geysers out of it.
Batman sighs out of the smoke at the end of the Promenade
into...
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
Batman plods a couple steps through the relatively placid
Plaza. He stops dead at the sight of Catwoman coming
toward him from the mouth of Shreck's department store,
startling back flip by startling back flip. She does a
final somersault and lands on her feet, ten yards away.
CATWOMAN
(dry enunciation)
Meow.
The department store behind her blows up with a glowing
roar. Batman is knocked to his knees. With naked
excitement, he gapes over to see Catwoman scale the
ridges of a Plaza building. Batman scans over to a fire
escape on the other side of the building and bolts.
EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP--MINUTES LATER--NIGHT
Batman too-heatedly storms up the last of the fire escape
and strides the rooftop like an autograph hound. He
passes Catwoman, who is in a Cheshire curl atop a rooftop
power shack. When she speaks, Batman turns to see her
slink down.
CATWOMAN
Where's the fire, cowboy? Besides
Max Shreck's department store.
BATMAN
I...
Catwoman launches a brutal kick right into his face.
Batman reverberates back a couple steps.
CATWOMAN
Speak up. I hate a man who's...
With savage calm, Batman forcefully swats Catwoman into
a whimpering ball.
CATWOMAN
How could you? I'm a woman...
BATMAN
I'm sorr...
Catwoman spins and slams batman off the ledge. She
lashes out her whip, and soils it around one of Batman's
flapping arms. With both hands, Catwoman jerks up
Batman. She ties her and of the whip to a weather vane.
CATWOMAN
As I was saying, I'm a woman...and
can't be taken for granted. You
are no longer the Night. You're
but a puny eclipse, a pitiful
reminder of what's supposedly
"Right." But in a world of Wrong
and Hate. "Irrelevant" is your
most notable trait...Are you
paying attention, you Batman you?
BATMAN
Hanging on every word.
CATWOMAN
A sense of humor. Surprise
tactic. Did you know we live in a
society that tells its boys to
conquer worlds, but tells its girls
not to get their dresses dirty.
A man dressed as a bat can be
anything, but a woman dressed as
anything but a woman is wicked.
I'm just living down to my
expectations.
She only-half-teasingly runs her talons over the out-
stretched ship lifeline. Batman, with his unwhipwrapped
arm, reaches into his bat belt and takes out a mini-test
tube of the familiar pleasant blue fluid, guiding it
toward a tube of the familiar nasty red fluid.
BATMAN
People hurt each other, they lie
to each other, they're more
interested in what I drive, than
what I stand for. I need their
intelligence, they give me their
lunch boxes.
CATWOMAN
(pulling back)
Finally, a real conversation and
it's not even Valentine's Day.
But tell me stud, if you hate
society so much, why do you
dedicate your life into defending
the scum who run it. I'm not here
to protect society. I'm here to
bring it all down. Life's a
bitch, so now am I.
The bat belt mixture turns purple. Batman counts off to
five as Catwoman swings back to cut the whip. Batman
lobs up the bubbling mini-test tube. It explodes into
Catwoman's forearm. She animalistically shrieks in an
epilepsy that sends her soaring off down to the next
ledge, barely.
Batman tarzans himself down beside her. Catwoman's
talons frantically claw and scratch, trying to gain
balance. Batman darkly just watches.
She scrapes off. Batman does a last minute slam of his
foot onto one of her claws to hold her in the air.
CATWOMAN
My hero. Where were you the last
time I died? You don't get it, I
don't want to be saved. I want to
be changed. Don't worry I still
have eight left.
Catwoman rips out from Batman and drops from the
building. Batman watches in shock as her body hurls
toward the ground. At the last possible moment, from out
of nowhere, a truck of Kitty litter bags passes beneath
Catwoman cozily lands upon them.
INT. SELINA'S APT.--LATER--NIGHT
Selina, still in her Catwoman outfit, opens her front
door and tosses her keys on the coffee table as if she
had just punched out a ho hum 9 to 5. Oblivious to her
new decor and self, she does a little leap over her
quicksand carpet and presses a talon down on her answer-
ing machine.
LAME BOYFRIEND'S VOICE
Selina, I'm going to give you
another chance to be the woman I
just know you can be. I
thought...
Selina violently cackles then cuts off completely. She
shish-kebabs down her talons into the machine and then
flings it off into her kitchenette.
The machine hits her faucet. The faucet comes on with a
clear, perfect stream of water. Selina pleasantly drifts
to the faucet and rolls up her sleeve, revealing the
Batman-induced burn mark. She holds it under the water
and purrs in pleasure and pain.
INT. THE BAT CAVE--LATER--NIGHT
Batman opens a glass case that is to hold his bat suit.
He tears off a glove, revealing a bare and bruised hand.
He puts the glove in the case, then pauses with a contem-
plative sigh.
BATMAN
Meow.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
Penguin silently stands upon the stage in the middle of
the square, his head bowed with quiet dignity. A MASSIVE
CROWD, also bows their heads in silence.
PENGUIN
Amen.
THE CROWD
Amen.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
Bruce Wayne stands in the middle of the bursting-with-
righteousness crowd and shakes his head. He helplessly
quakes at Penguin's words.
PENGUIN
I'm afraid we're going to need
more than prayers to stop the
disease devouring Gotham City;
a disease that turns Eagle Scouts
into Psychotic Clowns and happy
homemakers into Catwomen. I
chattered last night with my noble
friend Batman, and Batman said to
me, "Oswald, I'm losing it, man.
I'm peeing in me tights. I need
help."
(Mayoral pause)
I said, "Batman, I'm here."
The crowd applauds. Bruce is ready to explode. He holds
out the check he retrieved the night before and irritably
balls it up.
PENGUIN
The city needs a new moral
authority. Someone who can still
remember what terrible thoughts
go through a bitter and sick
outcast's mind. If I can cure
myself, I can cure the city. Love
is the drug. Face it, we need a
new leader! A new mayor! A new
election! The new me!
The crowd goes crazy as sheets drop from walls and fences
revealing vivid OSWALD COBBLEPOT FOR MAYOR posters.
THE CROWD
Oswald! Oswald! Oswald!
Faces nauseously poking out of a limousine window, the
Mayor and his staff look to the pandemonium of the crowd.
MAYOR
Get me out of here, before I kill
somebody, like myself.
INT. THE SCHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
From his literally Ivory Tower, Max snickers down to the
fleeing limousine. He then looks down to one of his
burnt, cracked Art Deco snowflakes in his hand and melts
his smile back into stone.
Suddenly, a maliciously upbeat Selina gooses him from
behind and puts a cup of coffee in his flustered hand.
SELINA
Morning, Max! Bummer about the
store, last night.
MAX
Yes, uh...
Max takes a sip of coffee and gags. He spits a live
cockroach from his mouth. It crawls over the desk.
SELINA
My, those silly exterminators
promised me the coffee machine was
okey-dokey.
MAX
What are you trying...
SELINA
I'm really sorry. Hey, have you
seen Chip? He's usually so
prompt. We were to have buttered
English muffins and hot chocolate
together this fine winter's day.
MAX
Uh, well, I hope...
SELINA
...nothing happened to him. I
second that emotion.
(sashaying off)
Oh, I'm taking the rest of the
afternoon off. Do you mind?
Really? You are the best.
The door slams shut. A completely bewildered Max looks
down to his coffee and quickly throws it from himself.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--DAY
Selina puts up a post-it that reads "Defy Authority" on
her computer terminal, along with subversively aggressive
others like "Expose the Horror" and "No Mercy." A fly
buzzes into the room. Selina bats it with feline concen-
tration as she reaches out to a carton of skim milk.
EXT. THE STAGE--DAY
Penguin guides the luminous and lovely Ice Princess
toward the microphone.
She is wearing her tiara, booties and snow bunny fur over
an absurd b