BEETLE JUICE
(2nd Draft)
by
Michael McDowell
based on a story by
Michael McDowell & Larry Wilson
A Pecos Production
For
The Geffen Company
1 June 1985
EXT: WINTER RIVER, CONNECTICUT -- DAY
A bucolic New England town, but rather too clean and neat to be
entirely real. There is no visible population.
Ominous, vibrating music.
On Main Street, a banner proclaims:
COME TO THE
INDEPENDENCE DAY PICNIC
ON THE GREEN
WINTER RIVER, CONNECTICUT
The camera, flying over downtown and several different
neighborhoods, sweeps over a rickety bridge crossing a rapidly
flowing stream, and then up a hill to a large old-fashioned
house. The house stands alone on this prominence, overlooking
the rest of the town. The camera lingers.
SUDDENLY A GIANT DADDY LONGLEGS SPIDER --
mounts the crest of the hill behind the house, pauses for a
moment, and then starts to climb over the Victorian house in a
very menacing manner.
ADAM (v.o.)
You're a big fellow.
A HAND --
perfectly stupendous -- reaches down out of the sky, lies flat,
palm up, in the yard next to the house, and the Daddy Longlegs
climbs into it. The hand rises into the sky again.
INT: ATTIC AND MINIATURE TOWN -- DAY
A new angle reveals Winter River as a miniature town, while the
Daddy Longlegs and the hand holding it are perfectly normal in
size. Above the model are a complicated mechanism of sun, moon,
clouds, and stars -- a whole, tiny mechanical universe to track
the hours of the day.
The hand belongs to ADAM MAITLAND, who is in his early forties,
solid-looking and easy-going. Frank Capra used to make movies
about him.
ADAM and the miniature town are in an attic room of a Victorian
house. The attic roof slopes on either side, and there are a
couple of windows, quite small and low down toward the floor at
either end of the long room. Almost the entire space is taken up
by the miniature town. A single door leads to a landing and
staircase to the lower part of the house.
ADAM carries the spider to the window, kneels on the floor, and
pushes open the window. The spider crawls away outside.
ADAM's POV --
The real Winter River lies spread out at the bottom of the hill.
BACK TO SCENE --
ADAM, whistling, goes back to the model. He takes a pair of
tweezers in which he grips an extremely small sign, whose
lettering is so tiny we can't make it out.
He reaches into the model and places the sign on the window of
MAITLAND'S APPLIANCE STORE on Main Street.
INSERT -- THE SIGN
It reads:
ADAM AND BARBARA
ARE
ON VACATION
HOORAY!
BACK TO SCENE --
ADAM
Hooray!
ADAM smiles down at the town as he's about to leave the room. He
turns off the lamp that acts as sun to the miniature Winter
River.
INT: THE HOUSE -- DAY
A tracking shot from the top of the Maitland's house to the
bottom.
ADAM leaves the attic room, and trips softly down the stairs,
humming a merry tune.
On the walls as he passes are photographs of himself and BARBARA
standing beside impossibly large and silly-looking appliances.
ADAM passes down the second floor hallway. The doors of the
rooms are open, and we pass the master bedroom, a sewing room, a
couple of guest rooms, bathrooms, and so-on. It's a big, old
rambling house, and it's decidedly old-fashioned, homely, and
comfortable. It also looks as if three generations of the same
family have lived in it.
Down the stairs into the living room, which is decorated in the
same fashion -- big console television, Barcalounger, a living
room set from 1961. Through the dining room, with homilies in
needlepoint on the wall: BLESS THIS HOUSE O LORD WE PRAY / MAKE
IT SAFE BY NIGHT AND DAY / BLESS THE FOLKS WHO DWELL WITHIN /
KEEP THEM SAFE FROM HARM AND SIN. Through the dining room door
and into the kitchen:
INT: KITCHEN -- DAY
ADAM's wife BARBARA is in the kitchen.
BARBARA has a kind of wholesome beauty that is mellowing well, as
she approaches middle age. There's a hint of unfulfillment in
BARBARA that gives her a little more of an edge than ADAM. We
will come to see that the only thing missing to complete the
Maitland's happiness is a child.
On the table in the center of the kitchen is a large cake about
three feet by two. BARBARA is decorating it to look just like
the American flag.
ADAM
It's the first day of
our vacation, and you
haven't been out of the
kitchen since five a.m.
BARBARA
(Proudly) I always make
the flag cake.
ADAM
Fifty stars, thirteen
stripes. Did you get it
right this year?
BARBARA thinks for a moment, during which pause there is the
SOUND OF A CAR DRIVING UP TO THE HOUSE.
BARBARA
I'll go see who that is.
You start counting.
BARBARA goes out of the kitchen into the dining room.
ADAM starts counting the stars by naming off the states.
ADAM
Maine. New Hampshire.
Vermont. Massachusetts
Connecticut.
EXT: FRONT OF THE HOUSE -- DAY
A bottle green Cadillac has pulled up in front of the house next
to the Maitland's station wagon. When the driver's door opens, a
well-dressed middle aged woman steps out, and starts resolutely
for the front steps of the house. (This is JANE BUTTERFIELD.)
INT: KITCHEN -- DAY
BARBARA comes back in.
ADAM
(Finishing with the stars)
They're all there.
BARBARA
It's Jane.
ADAM
Whose turn is it?
BARBARA's face falls.
BARBARA
It's mine.
ADAM's face lights up.
ADAM
I'm going to pick pears.
DOORBELL rings.
ADAM grabs up a basket by the back door and steps outside.
BARBARA
What do I tell her?
ADAM
What I told her last time.
And what you told her the time
before that. No.
INT: LIVING ROOM -- DAY
BARBARA opens the door. Outside on the porch stands JANE
BUTTERFIELD. JANE is a tall nervous woman, who looks as if she's
divorced three husbands and buried another for good measure.
She's ruthless but in her own weird way, quite pleasant.
BARBARA
Hello, Jane.
JANE
How are you, Barbara? How's
the flag cake coming? You
remembered the sugar this
year, didn't you?
BARBARA
Nobody ever forgets these
simple mistakes.
JANE
I'm selling lottery tickets.
Worthy cause. We're sending
the high school honor students
to New York for a few days.
Give them a taste of real
city life. How many do you
want? Ten, twenty?
BARBARA
What's the prize?
JANE
Your flag cake. That's why
I wanted to make sure you
got it right.
BARBARA
Adam and I will take just two
tickets. It wouldn't look good
if we won our own cake.
JANE
There's something else I want
to talk to you about.
(Beat) How would you like
to be rich beyond your wildest
dreams?
BARBARA
Jane, Adam and I are --
JANE
Don't tell me that you're
already rich in the things that
matter, because, believe me,
the things that matter are not
the things that really matter.
BARBARA
Last week we could get four
hundreds thousand for the house.
How much do you think we could
get for it this week?
JANE
Five. No question. This house is a
Property of Quality and Distinction.
EXT: ORCHARD -- DAY
Small pear and apple trees. The pears are bearing now, the apple
trees not yet. This is an idyllic setting -- but is is also
functional and modest.
Birds are singing in the trees.
ADAM is standing in the middle of the orchard, filling up his
basket with pears.
From the edge of the forest, a young deer peers out at ADAM, and
after a moment's hesitation, creeps out and into the orchard.
ADAM reaches forward with a pear, and the deer takes it out of
his hand.
At this moment, a lovable COLLIE runs up to ADAM, but stops short
when he catches sight of the deer. The COLLIE looks up at the
deer, and the deer looks down at the COLLIE.
The deer slowly turns off, back towards the forest.
ADAM
You watch out for those men
with the guns.
With the deer gone off, the COLLIE throws himself at ADAM's feet,
and rolls over on his back. Kicking off one of his Hush Puppies,
ADAM rubs the dog's belly with his stockinged foot.
JIMMY, the town paperboy, rides up on his bike, ducking under the
branches of the orchard trees.
JIMMY
Don't worry, Mr. Maitland.
Rocket won't bite.
ADAM
Catch, Jimmy.
He throws him a pear. JIMMY deftly snags it with one hand. In
return, JIMMY throws ADAM his paper.
ADAM
Go in the kitchen, Jimmy.
Your money's on the
counter. And don't
touch the icing on
Barbara's cake or she'll
skin you alive.
JIMMY drops his bicycle and goes in the back door of the house.
INT: KITCHEN -- DAY
The paper money is laid out on the counter, as promised, but so
is a plate of cookies and a tall glass of milk. JIMMY stuffs one
of the cookies in his mouth immediately, and then goes to study
the flag cake. He begins counting the stars.
JIMMY
Hawaii. Alaska. New Mexico.
Arizona. Wyoming. Oklahoma.
He stops for a moment, hearing the voices of JANE and BARBARA
through the dining room door.
INT: LIVING ROOM -- DAY
JANE is at the top of her pitch.
JANE
I'll put it in the Sunday
Times Magazine. Sell the
next day. Some lawyer from
New York will snap it up in
two minutes. You and Adam
will be able to retire. It
will be like a permanent
vacation.
BARBARA
The only reason we like va-
cations is that we get to stay
here in the house.
JIMMY walks in the door from the kitchen. He's carrying the
cookies and the milk.
JIMMY
Thank you for the cookies,
Mrs. Maitland. I counted
your stars and they're all
there. My mom bought ten
raffle tickets.
BARBARA
You're welcome, Jimmy. You
know Mrs. Butterfield, don't
you?
JANE, prompted by the appearance of the paperboy, delivers a
final salvo.
JANE
This house is so big. It
really ought to belong to
people who have children.
BARBARA gives her a sudden wounded look. Jane is immediately
remorseful.
JANE (cont)
I didn't mean that.
ADAM walks in from the kitchen with ROCKET.
ADAM
Give up, Jane. Barbara and
I are going to stay in this
house forever.
EXT: ROAD IN FRONT OF HOUSE -- DAY
JIMMY is racing down the hill on his bicycle, ROCKET bounding
after him.
At the bottom of the hill is a rickety bridge, spanning the
rapidly flowing Winter River.
JIMMY's bike goes BUMPITY-BUMPITY-BUMP across the uneven boards.
ROCKET, however, veers off the road in order to chase a squirrel.
JIMMY stops his bike in the middle of the bridge, and calls back
after ROCKET.
JIMMY
Rocket! Leave that squirrel
alone! Mr. Maitland would
skin you alive if he saw you
chasing his animals!
But ROCKET does not reappear, and JIMMY shrugs, and rides on
towards town.
EXT: FRONT OF HOUSE -- DAY
JANE comes out the front door of the house. She holds open the
front door, as ADAM and BARBARA come out with the flag cake
between them.
JANE goes out into the yard, and opens the rear of ADAM and
BARBARA's station wagon.
JANE
I'll see you at the picnic,
won't I?
ADAM
We haven't missed the town
picnic since --
He looks to BARBARA.
BARBARA
We've never missed it.
JANE starts to get into her car, but, glancing up at the house
and seeing it as a big fat commission, she gives it one more
shot.
JANE
Six hundred fifty thousand.
You could move to Maui.
ADAM and BARBARA wave, not even bothering to reply. JANE's car
takes off. Careful of the cake, ADAM shuts the rear door of
their station wagon. As they do, there comes into view a bumper
sticker: WARNING! I BRAKE FOR ANIMALS!
ADAM and BARBARA get into the car, and drive off.
Directly behind them, over the crest of the hills, comes a
hunter's van. A doe is tied to the open back.
INT: THE STATION WAGON -- DAY
Going down the hill, and towards the bridge.
ADAM is staring with disgust in the rearview mirror at the
hunters, who are tailgating them.
BARBARA, sitting close beside ADAM in the front street, does not
notice.
BARBARA
Don't use your brakes.
I'm worried about the cake.
ADAM
We're going downhill. I have
to use --
BARBARA screams and points.
ROCKET has just run out into the path of the car, and is staring
stupidly at the approaching vehicle.
ADAM applies brakes violently to avoid hitting ROCKET.
EXT: BRIDGE AND RIVER -- DAY
The hunters' van smashes into the back of ADAM and BARBARA's
station wagon, and sends it into the side of the rickety bridge.
It crashes through the railing and hovers a moment on the edge.
ROCKET has ambled slowly out of the way, unhurt.
The Hunters' van also screeches to a halt in the middle of the
bridge.
INT: THE CAR -- DAY
A piling has smashed through the window on the passenger side,
crushing the upper part of BARBARA's arm. She is wailing in pain
and fright.
ADAM attempts everything at once. He tries to help BARBARA. He
tries to get out of the car to save his own skin. He attempts to
maneuver the car onto the bridge again. None of this succeeds.
The car rocks back and forth a moment, and then slides forward
toward the river.
EXT: CAR AND BRIDGE -- DAY
The station wagon plunges into the rushing water. It floats for
a moment, and then sinks like a stone.
The hunters' van peels away from the scene of the accident. For
the first time we see an I LOVE NEW YORK bumper sticker on the
car, directly beneath the bloody head of the dead doe.
UNDERWATER --
The station wagon floats downward with panic-stricken ADAM and
BARBARA inside. For a moment we hear their screams, then as the
car fills up with water, the screams are cut off.
EXT: BRIDGE AND RIVER -- DAY
ROCKET is standing on the bridge staring into the water.
Bubbles of air come up from the bottom and break on the surface
of the water.
The bubbles stop.
ROCKET trots off in the direction of town.
FADE TO BLACK.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
INT: THE HOUSE -- TWILIGHT
NOISE OF A SLOW CLOCK TICKING.
One after another, we see the rooms of the Maitland house, still,
empty, dimly lighted. From the top of the house to the bottom.
The last room to be seen is the living room.
The clock stops ticking.
A moment of silence and stillness.
Suddenly and for no apparent reason the fire laid in the hearth
ignites and burns with a furious cheerfulness.
BARBARA and ADAM enter, dazed, wet and bedraggled.
BARBARA
What a wonderful start to
our vacation.
ADAM
You'll feel better when
you're dry.
ADAM leads her toward the fire. He holds out his hands to be
warmed. BARBARA comes up beside him. All this time she's been
holding her injured arm with the other hand.
BARBARA
This fire wasn't burning when
we left the house.
ADAM
How's your arm?
BARBARA
I'm not sure. It feels
frozen.
She holds her hands out to warm them.
BARBARA's LEFT ARM --
slowly slides out of her sleeve of her coat and plunges into the
fire.
ADAM and BARBARA stare at it dumbfoundedly before ADAM regains
his senses and snatches it out of the fire. Two of the fingers
are burning like candles, and BARBARA industriously blows them
out.
CUT TO:
INT: LIVING ROOM: A FEW MINUTES LATER
ADAM and BARBARA are sitting on the couch together. BARBARA is
looking away slightly -- as one does when a doctor is drawing
blood -- while ADAM tries to reattach her arm. He's a little
unsure of the procedure, since he's never had to do it before.
BARBARA
Do you remember how we got
out of the car?
ADAM gets up, a little absently, and wanders to the front door.
He peers out.
ADAM
I don't think we survived
that crash.
BARBARA tests her arm by turning it in the shoulder socket. She
clenches and unclenches her fist. They work fine.
BARBARA
Works.
ADAM opens the door and steps out onto the front porch.
EXT: FRONT PORCH -- TWILIGHT
A gorgeous sunset. ADAM's face is painted with the color. He
stands at the top of the steps leading down to the front yard.
BARBARA stands just inside the open threshold, looking out
worriedly.
ADAM
(Quiet sarcasm) The end
of a perfect day.
ADAM starts to step down to the yard.
BARBARA
But we can't be dead.
We're here!
ADAM steps off the last step into the yard and promptly
disappears.
BARBARA
Adam!
EXT: THE GREAT VOID
ADAM is nowhere. There's no ground, no sky, nothing to stand on
or hold onto or give boundaries or distance. Just vast nothing.
Not white and not colored either. Noise of a CLOCK TICKING.
ADAM looks about in surprise, and doesn't like what he doesn't
see. He turns right around to head back up the steps.
There are no steps.
ADAM
Barbara?
He runs off a little in the distance, and calls again from over
there.
ADAM
(Quietly) Where are you,
darling?
He goes even farther away.
IN THE FOREGROUND --
an enormous geared wheel -- the size of a man -- rolls by,
tearing up the unseamed ground. Something pours up out of the
tear -- ooze or stuffing.
ADAM runs forward and stares after the wheel, which is now out
of sight.
TWO SMALLER GEARS --
looking very much like components of a giant watch -- spin along
behind him. One of them veers suddenly towards him, and though
ADAM jumps out of the way, the gear snags his trouser leg and
shreds it.
A PERFECTLY ENORMOUS GEAR --
comes barrelling towards him. ADAM leaps out of its way. The
gear turns, fish-tailing, kicking up ooze and stuffing.
ADAM flings himself suddenly to the right, but trips into the
path of the gear. As he's about to be crushed, he's suddenly
jerked up to safety.
EXT: FRONT PORCH -- NIGHT
It's BARBARA who's grabbed him, and quite evidently saved his --
not life, perhaps -- but existence. He's shaken, breathless.
BARBARA stares at him, as if wondering what he's just been
through.
ADAM
(Weakly) You saved my --
uh -- something.
BARBARA
Two hours.
ADAM
What?
BARBARA
That's how long you were
gone.
Over WINTER RIVER, the Independence Day fireworks explode. ADAM
and BARBARA's faces are painted with the light.
INT: LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
BARBARA leads ADAM into the house.
ADAM
Anything happen while I
was away?
BARBARA
I made a couple of small
discoveries.
She is standing in front of the mirror over the hearth mantel.
On the mantel is BARBARA's prized collection of porcelain horses.
ADAM comes to stand beside her. They look into the mirror, and
there is no reflection of them.
BARBARA picks up one of the horses, and trots it through the air.
The horse is imaged in the mirror.
BARBARA
There's that, and there's
this.
She points to a book that is sitting on the coffee-table. It's a
massive sheaf of indexed pages in a bureaucratic-looking binder.
It looks like this year's tax code.
CU: Its title is HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY DECEASED.
BARBARA
I don't know where this
came from.
INT: BEDROOM -- NIGHT
ADAM is already in bed, reading from the Handbook. BARBARA is
walking about the room, getting ready for bed. It's evident that
they're going through a ritual of sorts that they practiced every
night of their married lives.
BARBARA
I don't like situations like
this. I hate it when I'm not
in control. So just tell me
the basics.
ADAM
What do you want to know?
BARBARA
There are a thousand things
we want to know. Is this a
punishment? Or is it a re-
ward? Are we halfway to
heaven or are we halfway
to hell? Why did you dis-
appear when you walked off
the front porch? And how long
is it going to last? That's
for starters.
ADAM
This book isn't arranged
that way.
INSERT: WARNING PAGE IN BOOK (as ADAM reads:)
ADAM (cont)
Warning. Proceed step by
step through this manual.
Do not begin on Section
Two until you have fully
mastered the concepts con-
tained in Section One.
BARBARA
Then start with Section One.
ADAM turns the page and reads aloud.
ADAM
(Reading) Section One.
Behavior at the Funeral.
Paragraph One. Lie very
still.
BARBARA
That's starting at the
beginning all right.
Anyway, we didn't have
a funeral... that I can
remember.
ADAM
I think I'm going to skip
ahead a few pages.
BARBARA is standing inside the open closet door. As ADAM talks,
she glances at her non-reflection in the mirror. She touches the
surface of the mirror, and her eyes go wide as her hand
penetrates the surface.
ADAM
This book reads like the Tax
Code. I don't see anything
about "Rewards and Punish-
ments" or "Heaven and Hell".
Wait, maybe this is something,
under "Geographical and Temporal
Perimeters." (Reading)
"Functional perimeters vary
from manifestation to mani-
festation." It really does
sound like the IRS had a
hand in this.
He looks up but BARBARA is nowhere to be seen in the room.
ADAM
Barbara! Where --
The closet door swings slowly open, so that the full-length
mirror inside the door is directly facing ADAM in bed.
But it's not ADAM who's reflected, holding the Handbook on top of
the covers, it's BARBARA.
ADAM
How did you get in there?
BARBARA
I walked through. It's
easy.
ADAM
What's it like?
INT: BEDROOM IN MIRROR -- NIGHT
The bedroom is reversed, but there are other things different
too. The room just fades out on the edges, and beyond is the
great void that ADAM was in earlier.
BARBARA begins to feel frightened. She peers at her side of the
mirror and sees ADAM in bed on the other side. The image is dark
and fading -- as if the door between the two worlds were closing
off.
BARBARA
It's --
The mirror grows darker.
On all sides of her, the walls of the room fade away entirely.
The room tilts, and the furniture slides away into the void.
At the last possible moment, BARBARA bolts through the mirror
back into the real world.
INT: THE REAL BEDROOM -- NIGHT
ADAM looks at his wife. BARBARA is shaken.
ADAM
The handbook discourages
that sort of experimentation.
Trans-dimensional insta-
bilities, whatever that
means.
BARBARA
I've got a pretty good
idea.
EXT: WINTER RIVER DOWNTOWN MAIN STREET -- DAY
Showing the appliance store, with a black wreath on top of the
GONE ON VACATION sign.
Across the street is JANE BUTTERFIELD'S REAL ESTATE AGENCY.
IN THE WINDOW OF THE REAL ESTATE AGENCY --
JANE is squeezed between the glass and a large cork board,
bearing the legend AVAILABLE PROPERTIES OF DISTINCTION. She is
putting up a new photograph of ADAM and BARBARA's house.
At the same time, she's talking into a telephone with a long
cord.
JANE
It came out of probate only
two days ago. This entire
house is replete with extras
and amenities sure to please
the discriminating buyer, such
as yourself. (Beat) I know
you'll love the place, Mrs.
Deetz. And so will your il-
lustrious husband and your
marvellous three -- two
children. (Beat) There is
a master bedroom suite con-
sisting of a bedroom of di-
mensions approximately fif-
teen by twenty-two feet, two
large walk-in closets with
full-length bevelled mirrors,
a third --
The fit in the window is so tight that JANE gets stuck. In
trying to get out, she slips and falls sideways, and is caught
even more securely in the twisted telephone cord. Two children
stand in front of the window passively watching her distress.
JANE
Help! Help!
INT: ATTIC AND MODEL TOWN -- DAY
The model town looks to be thriving. ADAM's obviously had plenty
of time for his hobby lately.
Right now, ADAM is setting up a small monument in the town
cemetery. It reads ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND / UNITED IN LIFE/
UNDIVIDED IN DEATH.
ADAM
Do you think this is
heaven?
BARBARA
In heaven there wouldn't
be stains on the wall-
paper.
ADAM
This is how I always
imagined heaven. Being in
this house. With you.
With time to do all the things
I never had time to do before.
INT: GUEST BEDROOM -- DAY
This is the bedroom with ADAM and BARBARA's wedding photograph in
it.
BARBARA stands leaning against the sill of the window, looking
out over distant Winter River.
ADAM comes in behind her.
ADAM
Cabin fever?
BARBARA
What?
ADAM
Do you feel trapped? We're
not allowed to leave the house.
BARBARA
No. I don't feel trapped.
I never imagined death would
be like this. I'm so happy.
Sometimes I just wonder how
long it's going to last. How
long we're going to be allowed
to stay here.
INT: LIVING ROOM -- DAY
BARBARA and ADAM are dancing to Artie Shaw. The Manual lies open
on the coffee table.
ADAM continues the conversation from upstairs.
ADAM
It'll take us at least a
hundred years to get through
that manual.
BARBARA
I don't know why you keep
trying. It hasn't told us
one useful thing yet.
ADAM
At least we know we're supposed
to stay away from shellfish.
They dance on for a minute, and then, while dancing, a thoughtful
expression creeps over ADAM's features.
BARBARA
What are you thinking about?
ADAM
I was just wondering who
bought the appliance store.
They stop dancing. The music stops as well.
A terrible thought has occurred to them both.
BARBARA
I wonder who's going to buy
this house. You know how
desperate Jane was to sell it.
ADAM
I guess we just have to hope
she sells it to someone nice.
AN OMINOUS RUMBLE --
like a 4.0 earthquake shakes the house. Glass rattles, the
ceramic horses on the mantelpiece jump around. BARBARA and ADAM
look at one another with misgiving.
The rumble builds to a climax, there is a loud metallic squeal,
and then a crash...
A MOVING VAN RAMP --
smashes open the front door and crashes down into the foyer.
BARBARA and ADAM --
half expect a division of Marines to storm down the ramp but
instead --
A TEN-FOOT ELECTRIC BLUE ITALIAN LEATHER COUCH --
slides smoothly down the ramp. On the couch sits DELIA DEETZ.
DELIA is relentlessly New York, relentlessly fashionable,
relentlessly thin -- a totally self-assured Joan Rivers.
She is also a woman with a mission -- to gut BARBARA and ADAM's
house and remake it in her own very upscale image.
DELIA's gaze is on the living room, but she looks through ADAM
and BARBARA as if they weren't even there (which to her eyes
they're not).
The couch crashes into the base of the staircase, smashing the
newell post and several of the balusters. One of the balusters
falls at Delia's side. She grasps it like a scepter.
Two MOVING MEN rush down the ramp.
MOVING MAN #1
Sorry about that, Mrs. Deetz.
DELIA
Don't worry. It was going
anyway.
Staggered by DELIA's grand entrance, BARBARA looks toward ADAM,
but he has disappeared. Flustered, BARBARA glances around the
room, shakes herself experimentally, then with a look of surprise
on her face that it works -- disappears herself.
Still holding the baluster, DELIA gets up off the couch and moves
into the living room, surveying it with an odd mixture of
ambition, contempt, and resolution.
Behind her, the two MOVING MEN bring in a matching blue leather
armchair. In the armchair sits LYDIA DEETZ.
LYDIA is the nec plus ultra of whatever is fashionable in
sixteen-year-old SoHo girls -- this week that makes her a DEATH
ROCKER. She's has on a black tunic emblazoned with alternating
rows of skulls and crucifixes. She's also wearing a hand grenade
baldolier and a necklace of human finger bones. Also around her
neck are a couple of very expensive cameras.
LYDIA is already taking photographs, not of the new house, but of
the moving men. LYDIA is cool, LYDIA is sullen, LYDIA is her
father's daughter by his first marriage.
The MOVING MEN still hold up the chair, waiting for DELIA to
decide where she wants it. LYDIA calmly surveys the house with a
cold eye.
LYDIA
We gave up sixty-five hundred
square feet of prime loft
space on Prince Street for
this?
DELIA
Shut up, Lydia. You're too
young to comprehend fluctuations
in the real estate market on a
nationwide or even regionwide
scale. This place was a
fucking steal.
DELIA signals wearily that the MOVING MEN can put the chair down
anywhere.
DELIA (cont)
Your first job is to get all
this other crap out of here.
LYDIA hops down out of the chair, and comes farther into the
living room.
LYDIA
Jesus. Who lived here? Norman
Rockwell?
DELIA
Where is Charles?
LYDIA
Checking out the kitchen.
That's the cue for CHARLES DEETZ, who comes in through the
swinging door, and across the dining room. He's holding a
butcher knife in one hand, and a massive meat cleaver in the
other.
CHARLES is not exactly the equivalent of his wife, being at heart
a basically pleasant man. But pleasant isn't in this year, and
CHARLES does his best to be off-handed and brittle.
CHARLES
Only things in the whole damn
kitchen worth saving. You
wouldn't believe the kind of
junk those people ate. I found
bottled Thousand Island in the
refrigerator. Hungry Man
Dinners in the freezer. A
whole case of Spam in the
pantry. They probably died
of gastronomic boredom.
At the front door, the fourth member of the DEETZ family climbs
over the moving ramp. This is CATHY DEETZ, nine years old. She
is dressed totally SoHo, but there's something off about the
outfit -- as if she's not quite comfortable with the look. She
gazes around the living room with obvious pleasure.
CATHY
A real house. It's totally
great. I can't believe it.
CHARLES
You really like this place,
don't you, honey?
CATHY
You bet.
LYDIA
You're such a weenie.
A VIOLENT FALSETTO SCREAM turns the DEETZ family's attention to
the front windows.
OTHO (o.s.)
HELP!
Caught in the window frame is a massive body, wedged at the
waist. The short, stubby legs, dressed in the world's largest
pair of Georgio Armani slacks, protrude into the living room,
waving frantically. A pair of expensive Italian loafers are
kicked off the feet revealing a pair of expensive patterned
socks.
By their feet shall ye know them.
DELIA
It's Otho.
CHARLES
Otho, why didn't you just come
in the door?
OTHO's voice as if from a great distance.
OTHO (o.s.)
It's bad luck.
CATHY
Hold your breath and we'll
pull.
With much concerted effort, the entire DEETZ family at last
manages to pull OTHO into the living room.
All this while the MOVING MEN are variously carting out the
handsome old furniture and bringing in the hideous new furniture.
OTHO is Robert Morley at his most obscenely fat and faggoty. But
he's not all fat and fun -- this customer carries emotional
weight as well.
As OTHO is pulled through the window he is holding onto the
curtains for support. And when he is at last all the way
through, and upright on his feet, he suddenly gives a tremendous
yank. The whole drapery apparatus, including valences, crashes
to the floor.
OTHO
That was the single most
unattractive window treatment
I have ever seen in the entire
of my existence.
DELIA
I'm so glad you could come,
Otho.
OTHO is looking around the room with an eye of quiet horror.
OTHO
Well, when you told me about
this place, I had an intuition.
Call it a hunch -- that it was
going to be a fabled monstrosity of
a house. And it certainly us.
Charles, you're going to have
to write two romances, a western,
and three of those wretched
detective novels to afford what
I'm going to have to do to this
place.
CHARLES
That's fine, Otho. I'm starting
work as soon as the word processors
get here. This country air. I'm
going to be able to write twelve
books a year instead of just eight.
I can feel it already -- plots.
Plots crowding in on every side of
me. Plots mean books, and books
mean money, and with money you buy
the things you haven't got. Like
fabulous houses, in fabulous, fabulous
Connecticut.
During this speech OTHO has been surreptitiously posing for
LYDIA's camera, while DELIA pokes about the room with disdain.
OTHO
Is the rest of the house as bad
as this?
DELIA
The rest of the house is worse.
When can you and I get started?
OTHO
No time like the present, as my
wicked stepmother used to say.
With an unexpected and dramatic sweep of his hand, OTHO sweeps
BARBARA's entire collection of ceramic and porcelain horses from
the mantelpiece. They all crash to the hearth -- except for two,
which CATHY dives to catch in either hand.
CATHY
Otho, that's terrible.
OTHO
My sentiments exactly.
He takes one of the porcelain horses out of CATHY's hand and
flings it into the fireplace.
CATHY manages to save one by hiding it in her pocket. CATHY
glances into the mantel mirror, and sees the reflection of
BARBARA, standing on the staircase, with a look of despair on her
face.
CATHY whirls around.
BARBARA is no longer there.
CATHY starts to say something, but she's pre-empted by OTHO.
OTHO
Delia, let's get this show
on the road.
Then out of the pockets of his size 56 Georgio Armani jacket,
OTHO takes two cans of spray paint -- the kind the graffiti
artists use -- and shakes them as if they were castanets. They
certainly sound like it.
INT: UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
At one end, near the stairs leading up to the attic, BARBARA and
ADAM are slumped against opposite walls.
ADAM
How did this happen? We didn't
even see Jane showing off the
house. And now it's already sold.
BARBARA
Remember when that damn manual
got us stuck in the chimney for
three days? That's when it
happened. (With vehemence that
surprises even BARBARA) God I
hate those people. That woman
wants to destroy my house.
ADAM
What can we do about it though?
We're ghosts.
BARBARA
(Adamant) Right. We're ghosts.
OTHO and DELIA appear, coming up the stairs at the opposite end
of the hallway.
OTHO
We're dealing with negative
entertainment potential here.
I mean there's absolutely
no flow-through.
They're rounded the bed, and OTHO looks down the hallway. It's
empty. ADAM and BARBARA are no longer there.
DELIA
What's wrong?
OTHO
I thought I saw something.
DELIA turns and spray-paints on the wall -- probably in luminous
orange -- the word ECRU.
DELIA
Okay?
OTHO
You read my mind. I love
clients who can read my mind.
I don't think people realize
how strong a connection there
is between interior decoration
and the supernatural.
DELIA and OTHO have reached the first door on the right. DELIA
opens the door and they step inside.
DELIA
This will be Lydia's room.
INT: LYDIA'S ROOM -- DAY
It's not LYDIA's room yet, of course, because it still has the
MAITLAND's furniture in it -- it's merely an old-fashioned and
little-used guest bedroom.
DELIA
What do you think?
OTHO
Viridian?
DELIA
Call it Graveyard Green
and she'll love it.
OTHO spray-paints the word VIRIDIAN on the wall -- right over a
wedding picture of ADAM and BARBARA.
Behind DELIA and OTHO, the room's closet door swings slowly open
with an ominous CREAK.
DELIA and OTHO turn that way, with a suggestion of dread.
BARBARA --
stands inside the closet. She grins a ghastly grin, grasps her
temples, and tears off her face, leaving nothing but muscle and
bone beneath. Her eyeballs dangle on her cheeks.
DELIA and OTHO stare aghast.
OTHO
Well, we just have to hope that
the other closets are bigger
than this one.
He walks over and slams the door in BARBARA's contorted face.
INT: HALLWAY -- SAME TIME
DELIA and OTHO come out of LYDIA's bedroom.
OTHO
This whole house smells so
dowdy. Whole lifetimes
of dowdiness. Generations
of dowdiness.
DELIA
The master bedroom suite.
DELIA opens a door on the opposite side of the hallway -- ADAM
and BARBARA's old room.
INT: MASTER BEDROOM -- SAME TIME
The room looks as if BARBARA and ADAM left it just a few hours
ago. DELIA and OTHO poke around, the crassest of crass
intruders.
OTHO goes over to the closet door, and opens it -- but before he
actually looks inside, his attention is drawn back to DELIA.
DELIA
I was thinking of a pale
ochre.
OTHO picks up a porcelain figurine he finds particularly
offensive.
OTHO
I was thinking dynamite.
He tosses the figuring, then turns and looks in the closet.
We're expecting another apparition -- but it's just ADAM's
clothes. OTHO fingers the material with distaste.
OTHO (cont)
What happened to the people
who lived here before?
DELIA
They died.
OTHO
Yes of course, but how did
they die?
DELIA has gone over to the bathroom door, and pushed it wide
open. But before she goes in, she stops a moment to think.
DELIA
I think they drowned.
Behind DELIA, in the bathroom, the old-fashioned bathtub suddenly
overflows with vile water. ADAM's face-down bloated corpse bobs
to the surface, and then suddenly spills out onto the tiled
floor, flipping over to land face up. His head, drowned stare is
ghastly.
DELIA stares downward directly at the corpse, then she points at
it.
DELIA
Otho, I cannot live with
these tiles.
The bathroom is now empty. No water, no drowned corpse.
EXT: SIDE AND BACK OF HOUSE -- DAY
CATHY has come out the front door and has gone around the side of
the house, exploring her new home with wonder and delight.
She reaches the orchard at the back of the house. The pears are
no longer bearing, but the apples are now. She plucks one from
the trees and bites into it.
CATHY is suddenly pushed forward, nearly falling. Recovering
herself, she whirls around. She is staring into the face of
ADAM'S DEER.
For a moment, CATHY is startled and a little frightened. She's
not used to wildlife. Then she recovers.
CATHY
Oh. You're hungry.
She gives him her apple to eat.
A second-floor window is suddenly flung open at the back of the
house, and DELIA leans far out.
DELIA
RABIES! RABIES!
CATHY! RUN!
The DEER drops the apple from its mouth, and bolts back into the
forest.
CATHY stares after it.
INT: HALLWAY -- DAY
OTHO and DELIA comes out of another room.
OTHO
The new Silver Palate cookbook
has a wonderful recipe for
terrine of venison. (Wearily)
Is there much more of this?
DELIA
There's Cathy's room. But we
don't even have to look in
there. She'll love whatever
you do to it. She's such a
little sheep.
OTHO
Oh, as long as we're here...
OTHO reaches out and turns the knob on the third bedroom door.
The door swings ominously open on CATHY's room. This had been
BARBARA's sewing room, and is furnished accordingly -- straight
out of Better Homes and Gardens 1963.
There is a difference however because on the rag rug in the
middle of the floor lies the headless corpse of ADAM MAITLAND.
Standing over him, holding in one hand a long knife and in the
other ADAM's blood- and gore-dripping head, is BARBARA -- with a
maniacal look on her face.
OTHO
How ghastly.
DELIA
An honest-to-God sewing
room.
Inside the room, the eyes of ADAM's severed head open and look up
at BARBARA.
ADAM'S HEAD
They don't see us. They can't
hear us.
Outside, DELIA is shaking her head.
DELIA
The woman who lived here had
the aesthetic instincts of
Betty Crocker.
BARBARA
I'm going to get her.
DELIA
I cannot convey to you the
extent to which this house
bores me.
OTHO
I'm not so sure about that.
I think this place probably
has real atmosphere. Once you
get out all this tacky furniture,
strip off the wallpaper, take
down a few walls, enlarge the
first-floor windows, alter the
traffic patterns, re-do the
exterior, call in the landscapers,
and -- perhaps -- give some
thought to a solarium for
rare cacti -- once you do all
that, the place might just be
livable. Isn't there a third
floor?
DELIA
Attic space.
OTHO
Let's see. Maybe we could turn
it into a media room.
They head up the stairs to the attic.
INT: CATHY'S ROOM -- SAME TIME
ADAM'S HEAD has a look of terror on it.
ADAM'S HEAD
Oh God. I forgot to lock
the attic door.
ADAM's headless body jumps up off the floor and rushes out of the
room.
INT: STAIRCASE TO THE ATTIC -- SAME TIME
OTHO and DELIA climbing. The headless corpse rushes past them,
around the bend in the stairs and out of sight.
DELIA
Did you feel something?
OTHO
I felt something cold.
INT: LANDING OUTSIDE ATTIC DOOR -- SAME TIME
The headless corpse rushes through the open door into the attic.
INT: ATTIC LANDING -- SAME TIME
DELIA tries the knob. The door is locked.
OTHO
You don't have a key?
DELIA
Maybe Charles does.
OTHO
I have a feeling there's
something interesting behind
this door.
INT: CATHY'S BEDROOM -- SAME TIME
BARBARA still holding ADAM'S HEAD.
ADAM'S HEAD
Whew! That was close. (Sighs)
What's the use of tearing your
head off in front of people if
they can't see you?
BARBARA
I can't live with this.
ADAM
We have to. We're dead.
BARBARA
I'm getting out of here.
She puts down his head on an end table and storms out.
ADAM
Barbara, where are you
going?
INT: KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER
BARBARA storms in, straight from the room upstairs. She heads
straight for the back door. Just as she reaches for the door,
ADAM comes in -- putting his head back on.
ADAM
Don't go out there. We don't
know --
BARBARA
I can't stay inside this house
a minute more. Not one minute.
She flings open the door and steps outside. She promptly
disappears.
ADAM
Barbara!
EXT: THE SURFACE OF SATURN'S MOON TITAN
BARBARA is on Titan with an enormous Saturn looming in the sky.
She looks around with wonder and some fear.
A sulfur volcano erupts in the distance.
A meteor crashes with a lurid explosion.
As from a great distance she hears ADAM's voice.
ADAM
Barbara!
She turns slowly in the dense sand that covers the surface of
this distant moon.
BARBARA'S POV --
ADAM is struggling towards her. Behind him, hovering isolated in
the air, is the kitchen door.
BACK TO SCENE --
ADAM at last catches up to her.
Behind them, something is burrowing rapidly towards them through
the sand. The Something looks as if it might be right out of
DUNE.
BARBARA and ADAM watch for a moment, and then realize that it
just might be a very fine idea if they got the hell out of there.
They turn and run towards the kitchen door.
The kitchen door has moved, but they veer in the new direction.
The Something gets right up to them and rises out of the sand.
Whatever it is is very big, very nasty, and very hungry.
ADAM and BARBARA slip and sink in the sand as they are pursued by
THE BEAST. They make it through the door just in time, swing it
open and hurl themselves through.
The door shuts with a bang.
The BEAST roars and roars in frustration, howling to the ringed
planet.
INT: THE KITCHEN -- DAY
The kitchen is very much as it was when ADAM and BARBARA were
alive, and boy it sure feels good after a stint on Titan.
BARBARA, weeping, throws herself in ADAM's arms.
ADAM
It's okay, kiddo. This house
may not be heaven for us any
more, but at least it isn't
hell.
As if demolishing ADAM's assurances, a 2500-pound, gleaming, six-
burner, double-oven Vulcan stove crashes through the breakfast
nook windows, and drops into place.
Outside can be seen the truck and crane which delivered this
monstrous piece of culinary extravagance.
BARBARA and ADAM duck out of its path, stumbling into the dining
room.
INT: DINING ROOM -- DAY
Where they are greeted with hot blasts of noisy steam from the
guns of the WALLAPAPER REMOVERS, dressed in satanic red
jumpsuits, wearing Walkmans that resemble horns.
BARBARA and ADAM stumble through to the living room, where --
INT: LIVING ROOM -- DAY
-- they are bombarded with plaster splinters and dust, and the
ear-shattering noise of drills, hammers, and electric saws,
carving up the ceiling to make room for DELIA's water clock
(which we'll see later).
Aghast, BARBARA and ADAM flee up the stairs to the second floor.
AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS --
A six-foot diameter spool of cable comes barrelling down towards
them, in a parody of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. They rush back
down the stairs, and then, without knowing how they accomplish
it, ADAM and BARBARA make a deft and ghostly hurdle over it to
the second floor landing.
INT: SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY -- DAY
They're not out of this SoHo hades yet.
As they make their way down the hallway, they run the gauntlet
past every open door. Outside LYDIA's room, ADAM and BARBARA
pause and glance in the open door, looking for refuge. A HUNDRED
AND TWENTY DECIBELS OF EAR-SHATTERING DEATH ROCK send them on
down the hall, where next they are driven against the wall by a
JET STREAM of hot water -- the plumbers' error in the bathroom.
With the plumbers' curses ringing in their ears, they try to
hurry on towards the attic stairway.
But just as they pass the doorway of the master bedroom, a six-
foot chest of drawers sails out on caster wheels, separating
them, plowing on through the open doorway opposite, and smashing
through the window. A moment later we hear its SPLINTERING CRASH
on the ground outside.
BARBARA
That's been in my family
two hundred years.
ADAM drags her on.
Just outside the door of CHARLES's study, when they have nearly
reached their goal (the second flight of stairs to the attic), a
shower of electrical sparks and a loud crackling pour over them,
from an ELECTRICIAN rewiring for CHARLES's computers.
ADAM's entire body is briefly outlined in the electrical storm.
This quickly subsides, except for a remaining charge on his hand.
BARBARA tries to beat out this painful electrocution, while ADAM
jumps around in evident pain.
When at last the charge dissipates, ADAM finds that his hand is
black and smoking.
ADAM and BARBARA rush up the stairs to the attic, and throw
themselves through the door into their sole refuge.
INT: ATTIC -- DAY
ADAM and BARBARA.
ADAM
Barbara, we're trapped in
this house forever.
EXT: FRONT YARD -- DAY
The entire front yard is filled with trucks and vans and
automobiles. These include vehicles and representatives of the
telehone company, the television cable company, plumbers,
electricians, kitchen supply houses, computer supply services,
Goodwill and St Vincent DePaul, and whatever else there might be.
In the road in front of the house are several cars of
rubbernecking locals, astonished by all the activity. The City
has come to Town.
We see these small vignettes, and perhaps others as well.
Moving men going in with very modern and expensive furniture,
colliding with the charity men coming out with ADAM and BARBARA's
furniture and personal belongings.
CHARLES in deep conversation with several men who stand with long
lengths of cable draped over their shoulders. He is distracted
by a large crane on the side of the house which is trying to get
a stainless-steel refrigerator -- even larger than the Vulcan
stove -- through the broken breakfast nook window.
DELIA is standing at the door of the barn/garage, directing half
a dozen fine art movers in the placement of her gallery of
sculptures. These are colossal, nightmarish images constructed
in an improbably combination of welded steel and feathers.
LYDIA is under everybody's feet, relentlessly photographing the
operation.
CATHY is simply standing out of the way, as if frightened of
being trampled.
CATHY'S POV --
She looks at the whole house from the bottom to the top. And
when she reaches the top, she sees BARBARA and ADAM's faces in
the window.
BACK TO SCENE --
CATHY blinks hard. Her mouth drops open. She looks all around
-- as if she'd just seen a ghost or two.
JANE BUTTERFIELD's car pulls up, and JANE gets out. She surveys
the whole business, and looks pleasantly impressed. She waves to
CHARLES but he doesn't see her. Then JANE catches sight of CATHY
and comes over, squeezing between two vans.
JANE
Boy, when you city people
do something, you do it
right, don't you?
CATHY
Did you know the people who
used to live here?
JANE
They were my best friends in
the whole world. I know they
would have been pleased to
know it was your family
who brought their house.
JANE hands a key to the CATHY.
JANE (cont)
Here, darling.
CATHY
What is this?
JANE
It's a key to the attic. Your
father asked me to drop it by.
Actually it's not a key to the
attic, but it's a skeleton key.
It'll open any door in the world.
Will you give it to your father?
And tell him if I can do anything
else, just call.
JANE goes back towards her car. After a few steps, she looks
back.
JANE
You're going to be very happy
here. I can see it in your
face.
CATHY smiles back, and then her face turns serious as she looks
back up at the attic windows.
CATHY'S POV --
Nothing -- and no one -- there.
BACK TO SCENE --
CATHY is startled by a voice -- LYDIA's.
LYDIA
Hey!
LYDIA snaps a picture of CATHY.
LYDIA (cont)
You look dazed.
CATHY
The sun was in my eyes.
CATHY surreptitiously slips the skeleton key into her pocket.
LYDIA
Delia says Move Your Ass.
Everybody's got to help today.
CATHY looks up. DELIA is impatiently waving her over to the
barn. More sculpture -- worse than before -- is being carted
inside.
INT: ATTIC -- DAY
ADAM and BARBARA are lying on the floor, looking out of the
window at all that is going on.
BARBARA
That little girl saw us.
ADAM
She couldn't have. We can't
make them see us.
BARBARA
But she saw us. I know.
I could feel it. I thought
she saw me this morning, too.
(Beat) How's your hand?
ADAM
Already healed.
INT: BARN/GARAGE -- DAY
The Fine Arts movers are going to it. DELIA in the midst of
everything, berating CATHY.
DELIA
Buckle down, Cathy. This is
Life. And be a perfect
darling, and go get mommy
some drugs.
CATHY
Any particular kind?
DELIA
It doesn't matter. Just remember
though, too many is better than
too few. And a glass of Perrier,
one cube.
CATHY takes her marching orders and goes off towards the house.
INT: UPSTAIRS HALLWAY -- DAY
A BLAST OF STEAM --
fills the hallway, because WORKMEN are going at the wallpaper
here, too. CATHY emerges from it.
All the doors are open, with MOVING MEN and WORKMEN in every
room.
Down at the end of the hall stands CHARLES, directing WORKMEN who
are carrying computer components into the room that will be his
study.
CATHY starts to go into the bathroom -- to get her mother's drugs
-- but there are at least three PLUMBERS in there, and the whole
place is torn apart.
CATHY continues down the hall.
CHARLES sees her.
CHARLES
Where is your sister? She
could be a little help around
here.
CATHY
In her room?
LYDIA's door is the only one closed. CHARLES goes over and
without knocking, flings open the door.
INT: LYDIA'S ROOM -- DAY
On LYDIA's bed is a very muscular MOVING MAN, clad only in
jockey shorts. LYDIA is moving quickly all around the bed,
taking rapid-fire photographs of him.
CHARLES
Lydia, moving day is no time
to make one more attempt at
losing your virginity.
LYDIA
I have a concept for a moving
man calendar.
CHARLES
I want you and Cathy --
As the MOVING MAN gets up from the bed, nonchalantly reaching for
his trousers, CHARLES looks around for CATHY. She's no longer
there.
CHARLES (cont)
Now I've lost her.
INT: STAIRCASE TO ATTIC -- DAY
CATHY creeps upward, taking the skeleton key from her pocket.
She stops momentarily when she hears her father's voice.
CHARLES (o.s.)
Cathy! Cathy!
Then when that voice is covered by other sounds of the moving,
CATHY continues upward.
INT: ATTIC LANDING
CATHY quietly inserts the key in the lock of the attic door. She
turns it. The key is stiff. She turns harder. It's stuck.
CATHY tries the door -- it's no go. She turns the key again.
This time it goes all the way around. CATHY grins. Then she
puts her hand on the knob and tries to turn it. It's stuck.
Then the key pops out of the lock and falls to the floor.
CHARLES's head suddenly appears behind her.
CHARLES
What are you doing?
INT: ATTIC
ADAM is holding on tight to the knob of the door. With an awl
(or some similar object) BARBARA has poked the key out. The two
stand absolutely still, listening, terrified of the living
intruders -- pretty unseemly behavior for a pair of honest-to-
goodness ghosts.
INT: ATTIC LANDING
CATHY and CHARLES.
CATHY
I was just trying to open the
door. Mrs. Butterfield brought
over a skeleton key. But it
doesn't work.
She hands her father the key. He waves it away.
CHARLES
Skeleton keys never work.
Now, hop to it, Cathy, your
mother wants her drugs. And
we're all going to feel better
if she gets them.
He starts down the stairs, and Cathy starts to follow.
INT: ATTIC ROOM
ADAM and BARBARA, having heard this, pull back from the door in
relief. But that relief is short-lived, for at that moment, the
door swings open of its own accord.
Right outside on the landing, they see CATHY's back as she's
starting down the stairs.
CATHY turns at the sound of the opening door.
ADAM and BARBARA disappear.
REVERSE ANGLE --
CATHY looks into the attic room, and sees the model town.
She enters very quietly, looking around.
The room is dim, and filled with dust motes. There are shadows
in all the corners.
The first thing she sees, of course, is the model town. She's
entranced. She peers at it from different angles, and is
dumbfounded with pleasure, her fear forgotten. She continues to
walk about the model, oblivious to everything else.
IN THE MODEL --
BARBARA and ADAM are hiding in the doorway of their appliance
store on MAIN STREET. They look up at CATHY's enormous face
peering down at them.
They see CATHY stop, her gaze focused on them.
CATHY'S ENORMOUS HAND --
reaches down out of the sky towards them.
ADAM
Barbara. Stand very still.
BACK TO SCENE --
CATHY is reaching down into the model. She picks up the BARBARA
figure out of the model. BARBARA does her best imitation of a
wooden Indian. CATHY peers at her very closely.
BARBARA'S POV --
A close-up of CATHY's eye. She sees herself reflected.
BACK TO SCENE --
CATHY puts BARBARA down in the street, and picks up ADAM. ADAM
has plastered a weird smile on his face.
IN THE MODEL --
BARBARA stands in the middle of the street, pretending to be
carved of wood, but she's looking up at CATHY holding ADAM.
BARBARA
(Under her breath) Don't
hurt him, little girl. Please
don't hurt my husband.
CATHY puts ADAM down in the street, but not very near BARBARA.
He doesn't quite have his balance and tips over, falling flat on
his face. CATHY conscientiously rights him.
Despite her fear of being overheard by CATHY, BARBARA calls out
in a hiss.
BARBARA
Are you all right?
ADAM
No. Yes.
BACK TO SCENE --
CATHY continues around the model. She finds a button on the side
of the table on which the model rests, and presses it. The
artificial sun comes on, and bathes the model of Winter River in
sunlight. Then...
A LOUD CRASH --
behind CATHY. She whirls around, barely stifling a scream,
confronting only a push broom that she has brushed from its hook
on the wall.
In recovering from this false scare, she kicks something. She
ducks under the table and comes up with the manual.
She holds the cover up to the light.
CATHY
"Handbook for the Recently
Deceased."
She looks into the model again at the figures of ADAM and
BARBARA. They're now standing together.
CATHY
(Hums the 'Twilight Zone'
theme music)
She looks around the room as if suddenly someone were going to be
there to answer all her questions. No one is.
A voice sounds from downstairs.
LYDIA (v.o.)
Cathy, Delia needs you!
CATHY gives one more look at the town, and then goes to the door
quickly and silently.
LYDIA (v.o.)
Right now!
CATHY finds the real key to the room in the door, on the inside.
She takes it out of the lock.
INT: ATTIC LANDING -- DAY
CATHY locks the door quickly, tries the knob to make sure, and
hurries downstairs.
INT: SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY -- DAY
DELIA stands outside the master bedroom door, arms akimbo. At
her feet is a large box of ADAM and BARBARA's personal
belongings.
DELIA
Where have you been?
CATHY
Nowhere.
CHARLES comes out of his room, tossing out empty boxes.
CHARLES
Hiding out in the attic.
Did you get that door open?
CATHY
(Hesitating) Skeleton keys
never work.
DELIA
Take this downstairs. Dump
it.
She kicks the box with ADAM and BARBARA's belongings. DELIA and
CHARLES disappear again.
CATHY lifts the box, and starts downstairs with it. Then she
stops dead still.
At the top of the box is ADAM and BARBARA's wedding picture, with
a swath of spray paint over it, obscuring their faces.
CATHY puts down the box, takes out the picture, and removes the
photograph from the frame.
CU: BARBARA AND ADAM IN THE PHOTOGRAPH
CATHY
I knew it.
She slides the photograph under the door of her room, and then
continues downstairs with the box.
EXT: HOUSE -- NIGHT
Dark, quiet, a light burning in the dining room window.
INT: DINING ROOM -- NIGHT
The DEETZs around the dining room table. There are candles, good
china laid out -- but they're eating out of Chinese take-out
boxes.
CHARLES, DELIA, and LYDIA are eating with chopsticks, while CATHY
uses a plain old American fork.
LYDIA
I can't believe that we're
eating Cantonese.
CHARLES
There's only one Chinese
restaurant in town, darling,
and it happens to be Cantonese.
LYDIA
I could have a stroke from the
amount of MSG that's in this
food.
DELIA
This is our first meal in this
house, Lydia. Why don't we all
do our little parts to make it
a pleasant one?
CHARLES
I'm building you a darkroom in
the basement. Nobody's ever
going to steal your chemicals
again. That'll be a pleasant
change from Manhattan.
LYDIA
I should have stayed in New York
with my mother. Just driving
through Winter River made me want
to slit my throat.
CHARLES
We're the first trickle. In a
couple of years this whole town
will be filled with people like
us. Zabar's will open a Winter
River branch.
DELIA
And when Otho and I get through
with this house, you people are
not going to recognize it as the
same place.
CATHY
(Meekly) I sort of like it the
way it is.
The family stares at her, unbelieving.
CATHY (cont)
I mean, it's already sort of like
somebody's home, isn't it?
There is a pause, as if the family were considering this whole
business in a new light. Then the moment and the light fade.
CHARLES
You know, I went in the grocery
store today, and they had never
even heard of arugula.
INT: ATTIC -- NIGHT
ADAM and BARBARA are pissed.
ADAM is looking through the manual, while BARBARA paces looking
over his shoulder now and then.
BARBARA
Ghosts have been scaring people
for thousands of years. It
must say something about haunting.
ADAM
That electricity hurt. I don't
want to have to think about that
kind of thing happening to you.
BARBARA
I think I'd rather have a
band of gypsies move in here
than have to put up with those
people. And we don't even know
how long we're supposed to stay
here? I wish that book would tell
us something useful.
A GUST OF WIND --
blows down the chimney, turning the pages of the manual.
BARBARA and ADAM shiver with sudden, supernatural cold.
ADAM looks at the book.
ADAM
(Reading) Section Seventeen-C.
Intercessions and Exorcisms.
BARBARA
Exorcism. That's where they
get rid of us, right?
ADAM
Not this kind. This is where
we get rid of them.
BARBARA
What do we have to do?
ADAM
It won't work. We need a
graveyard.
BARBARA
And we can't leave the house.
The MOON over the model town comes on suddenly.
ADAM and BARBARA's gaze follows the directed beams of this moon,
as it shines down into the MODEL GRAVEYARD.
EXT: MODEL GRAVEYARD -- NIGHT
With shovels and lanterns, BARBARA and ADAM are a very unlikely
pair of graverobbers. ADAM is reading the manual by lanternlight.
The mechanized clouds in the sky move across the mechanical moon,
throwing shadows everywhere. There is also ground fog.
ADAM
The manual says look for a
grave marked Swallowtail.
BARBARA
Nobody with that name
was ever buried in this
town.
They pass a small mouldering tomnbstone, askew, half-buried in
the ground, the mound before it covered with rotting white roses.
On the tomb is carved the name BETELGEUSE.
ADAM
Yeah, but nobody was
ever buried with that
name either.
He tries to pronounce the name, but it comes out something like
ADAM (cont)
Bettle - gooser.
On a wind suddenly blowing through the trees we hear the
ominously whispered pronunciation:
VOICE
Beetle Juice.
BARBARA
Beetle Juice.
Moving on, looking around other parts of the graveyard, ADAM and
BARBARA next come to a large, white marble monument crowned by
the Angel Gabriel blowing his horn. Carved on the monument is
the name SWALLOWTAIL. Beneath it is the legend, HOPE FOR THE
HOPELESS.
BARBARA
Do we dig?
ADAM
Well, yes, but it says
we have to chant too.
BARBARA
Chant what?
He turns the page in the book.
ADAM
I don't think it says.
Some sort of music I
guess.
BARBARA
That stupid book. All
right. But you start.
They stand over the grave, with spades poised. ADAM thinks for a
moment and then, as he turns the first spadeful of foetid earth,
he sings
ADAM
"I've got rhythm...
I've got music..."
BARBARA takes it up:
BARBARA
"I've got my man..."
ADAM & BARBARA
"Who could ask for anything more..."
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT: MODEL GRAVEYARD -- NIGHT
Sometime later. The grave is now nearly six feet deep, and ADAM
and BARBARA are invisible inside. We see the glint of the moon
on their shovel blades, and we hear them singing. By this time
ADAM and BARBARA have really gotten into it, and they're
performing a rousing, syncopated version of "I've Got Rhythm" as
the earth flies.
-- INSIDE THE GRAVE
ADAM suddenly hits wood.
BARBARA
It's about time.
They lean down and brush dirt off the face of the coffin.
There's a brass plate that reads SWALLOWTAIL.
ADAM
I guess we open it.
Right?
BARBARA and ADAM feel a slight tremor beneath their feet.
BARBARA
It seems to be opening
itself.
BARBARA and ADAM exchange glances, and then start clawing the
sides of the grave in an effort to escape.
-- BACK ON GROUND LEVEL
ADAM pushes BARBARA out, as the ground rumbles and we hear the
splintering of rotten wood. BARBARA helps ADAM out of the grave.
They have just risen to their feet, when a MOULDERING CORPSE
springs out of the grave, and jumps onto BARBARA's back, and
tries to implant a very large kiss on her lips.
ADAM pulls the corpse off BARBARA's back, and the MOULDERING
CORPSE does a Three Stooges hammer to Adam's head.
ADAM staggers backwards. The MOULDERING CORPSE, now between ADAM
and BARBARA, grins insanely at them both, and then flies high
into the air above their heads.
They turn to see where he has gone, and realize that the
MOULDERING CORPSE is merely a jack-in-the-box marionette on a
string and pole apparatus.
The pole is held by BEETLE JUICE. He is small and wiry, dark,
with vaguely Middle-Eastern features. Here, and whenever we see
him again at the beginning of a scene, his eyes are COLD and
YELLOW and SHAPED LIKE A SNAKE'S -- but after a moment, they
melt, becoming human, and liquid, and brown. This is definitely
not a spirit to be trusted.
BEETLE JUICE drops the pole and puppet, takes a long step forward
and produces a deck of cards.
BEETLE JUICE
Never mind him. Pick a
card.
Stunned, BARBARA and ADAM do as they're told.
ADAM holds up his card. It's the tarot card for death.
BEETLE JUICE
Death.
BARBARA holds up her card. It's the tarot card of the Falling
Tower.
BEETLE JUICE
Destruction.
BARBARA glances up at the statue of the Angel Gabriel.
BARBARA
Are you Swallowtail?
BEETLE JUICE
He's all tied up. I'm
his second-in-command.
The name is Beetle Juice.
Come on. Let's talk.
He gives an arm to BARBARA and ADAM, and leads them out of the
graveyard.
As they depart, we see the figure of SWALLOWTAIL -- exactly like
the statue of Angel Gabriel -- bound and gagged and out of sight
behind his monument. He stares after the retreating figures of
BARBARA and ADAM with pity -- he's got a pretty good idea of
what's coming.
EXT: MODEL TOWN MAIN STREET -- NIGHT
BEETLE JUICE has an arm around the shoulders of ADAM and BARBARA.
Main Street is quiet and deserted, of course.
BEETLE JUICE
All right, you guys need
help. And help is why I'm
here. Who do I gotta kill?
ADAM
You don't kill anybody.
BARBARA
All we want is for you to
get some people out of our
house.
BEETLE JUICE
Exorcism, right. I love
exorcisms. So who are these
people you want to get rid of?
BARBARA
The Deetzes.
BEETLE JUICE
Family, right? Mommie,
daddy, they got kids?
ADAM
Two daughters. One's
about ten, one's about
sixteen, except she acts
like she's thirty-five.
BEETLE JUICE
Oh yeah? How does
she feel about short, older
men?
BARBARA gives BEETLE JUICE the fish eye.
BARBARA
I don't appreciate that kind
of talk.
BEETLE JUICE
Idle curiosity. So here's
the story. You're dead, and
you're stuck in this dump
for a hundred and thirty-
two years --
BARBARA
That's how long we're
going to be here? How do
you know?
BEETLE JUICE
How do I know, guys? It's
my business to know. Anyway,
so you're stuck in this dump
...
ADAM
It's not a dump.
BEETLE JUICE
... and you want it all to
yourselves. And even though
these live guys have paid their
hard earned money for the home
of the dreams, you dead guys
are gonna drive 'em out in
the cold, mommy, daddy, and
two little girls, one of whom
probably wouldn't say no to
a shorter, older man.
BARBARA
The Deetzes are destroying
our house.
BEETLE JUICE
Right. And I'm here to help
you.
The trio pass the appliance store. The large plate glass window
bears the legend: GENERAL APPLIANCES / ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND
/ EST. 1963. BEETLE JUICE points at the window.
BEETLE JUICE
You. The Maitlands. 'Cause
people like you are the backbone
of the afterlife. Just because
you're dead doesn't mean that
you can't still hold onto the
things that were important to
you when you were alive.
BARBARA and ADAM are evidently a little uncomfortable with this
selfish interpretation of their actions.
BEETLE JUICE (cont)
So, basically what we got
here is a third-class inter-
session. Nothing big, and
if it's works we're all
happy. I'm gonna teach you
guys a few tricks. And we're
gonna start out with something
simple.
ADAM
You've handled problems like this
before, haven't you?
Behind them, the window of the appliance store suddenly crack
into a spider's web pattern, completely obliterating BARBARA and
ADAM's names. Hearing the noise, BARBARA and ADAM start to turn
their heads, but BEETLE JUICE prods them forward.
BEETLE JUICE
You ever hear of a place called
Amityville?
INT: MASTER BEDROOM -- NIGHT
DELIA reading in bed, and watching television, and eating. She
hears a noise outside in the corridor, listens for a moment and
then gets up to investigate.
INT: UPSTAIRS HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Empty, but a closet door is open.
DELIA goes down to investigate. She finds in the open linen
closet that one of the drawers is open, and a pile of her best
designer sheets has been dropped on the floor.
DELIA
Damn those girls.
She picks the sheets back up, puts them in the drawer, and shits
the linen closet door.
She returns to her bedroom.
When she disappears, the linen closet door swings slowly open
again. BARBARA and ADAM come out holding sheets.
BARBARA
I might have known a woman
like that wouldn't have a
single pair of plain white
sheets.
ADAM
I don't think this is going
to work.
INT: CHARLES'S STUDY -- NIGHT
This is the first room to have been totally set up, with four
different word processors. Above each computer are framed covers
of paperback books that Charles has written: thrillers, detective
novels, romances, and westerns.
CHARLES is working with two printers at once, and the pages are
just spilling out. CHARLES is also working a Xerox machine, and
talking on the telephone -- all at the same time.
CHARLES
No, Evelyn, ten per cent
on the first hundred K, and
twelve thereafter. No more
of this --
He hears something in the corridor outside -- a kind of low
moaning.
CHARLES
Just a minute, Evelyn.
Somebody --
He goes to the door and flings it open.
Two figures are right there in the doorway -- ghosts under
sheets. But they're designer sheets.
CHARLES
Oh Jesus, you two. Is
Connecticut so boring that
you have to think up shit like
this? I've got a book due at
Dell tomorrow morning, and I'll
get a bonus if it's there on
time -- and you want to make
me miss that bonus?
He slams the door, turns around. Then turns around again, and
jerks the door open. The ghosts are startled.
CHARLES
And Delia is going to kill you
when she sees that you cut holes
in her Ralph Lauren sheets.
He slams the door again.
INT: UPSTAIRS HALLWAY -- NIGHT
ADAM and BARBARA as ghosts under the sheets.
BARBARA
Don't you think he could
have come up with something
a little more -- I don't
know -- scary?
ADAM
Well, he said we'd have
to start slow.
At this moment, they are startled when the door of LYDIA's room
flies open. LYDIA jumps out and takes a whole series of
photographs of them, one after the other.
LYDIA
Sick! Sexual perversion! You
guys never did this kind of thing
in New York. Total gross-out.
If you're going to do weird
sexual stuff you ought to stay
in your bedroom, okay? It's
so embarrassing.
LYDIA flies back into her room.
ADAM
(Discouraged) Keep it trying?
BARBARA
Might as well.
They open the door of the master bedroom and glide inside.
INT: MASTER BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Television still going, DELIA asleep. ADAM and BARBARA go over
and stand beside the bed.
ADAM
He said to moan.
Tentatively, they MOAN and GROAN. DELIA doesn't stir.
BARBARA
I feel really stupid.
ADAM
I know. But we're ghosts. And
ghosts are supposed to moan.
Moan louder.
They MOAN LOUDER, and more weirdly.
DELIA stirs, reaches over to the bedside table for the remote
control device, and without opening her eyes, turns off the
television set. Then she turns over, and is lost to the world.
BARBARA sighs. She and ADAM walk towards the door. When they
open it however, CATHY is standing there -- and both ADAM and
BARBARA jump backwards with yelps of fright.
CATHY
Are you the guys who're hiding
out in the attic?
ADAM
(Faked voice of terror) We're
ghosts.
BARBARA
(Moans weirdly)
CATHY
What do you look like under
there?
ADAM and BARBARA go out into the hall -- as if to keep from
waking DELIA with their conversation.
INT: UPSTAIRS HALLWAY -- NIGHT
ADAM, BARBARA, and CATHY.
ADAM
Aren't you scared?
CATHY
Those are sheets. I'm not
afraid of sheets. Are you gross
under there? Are you "Night of
the Living Dead" under there?
ADAM
What?
CATHY
It's this gross movie.
BARBARA
Young lady, if I had seen a ghost
at your age, I'd have been
frightened out of my wits. I'd
suggest you go to your room and
think about that. Come on, Adam.
BARBARA and ADAM continue down the hall with as much dignity as
they can muster under the circumstances. CATHY trails along
behind them, then steps on the dragging tails of their sheets.
The sheets slip off, exposing BARBARA and ADAM -- looking pretty
silly in their underwear.
CATHY
You're not gross. Why were you
wearing the sheets?
BARBARA and ADAM whirl around.
BARBARA
That's what we were told to do.
ADAM
You can actually see us? Even
without the sheets?
Then ADAM and BARBARA realize that they are standing in their
underwear and grab the sheets to recover their modesty.
CATHY
Is this like a trick question?
ADAM
No, it's not a trick question.
Can you really see us?
BARBARA
Tell the truth.
CATHY
I always tell the truth, even
when it hurts and gets me in
trouble and people don't want
to hear it. Of course I can
see you.
BARBARA
Nobody else can.
CATHY
(Shrugging) Were you trying to
scare my mom or something?
BARBARA
Something like that.
CATHY
It won't work. She's sleeping
with Prince Valium tonight. I
stole the key to the attic, you
know.
INT: ATTIC ROOM -- NIGHT
The mechanical moon makes its slow track through the heavens.
Moonlit, serene.
BACK TO SCENE --
ADAM, BARBARA, and CATHY stand just beyond the fringes of the
town, dimly lighted giants.
CATHY
Where are the little figures
I saw in there yesterday?
ADAM
That was us.
CATHY
Really? How'd you make your-
selves shrink?
BARBARA
It just happened. Sometimes
we have control, but most of
the time --
CATHY nods. Life is like that.
CATHY
(To ADAM) You did this? You
carved all these little houses
and things?
ADAM
(Pleased) I certainly did.
CATHY
And this used to be your house,
I bet.
BARBARA
I don't think it would be a
very good idea if you told your
parents or your sister that
we're up here.
ADAM
Unless you think we could scare
them.
CATHY
Why do you want to scare
everybody?
ADAM
We want to frighten you away.
So that you'll move out.
CATHY
You don't know my family very
well, do you? (Beat) I like
it up here. Can I visit you
sometimes?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
EXT: HOUSE -- DAY
Like all the other shots, but there's a quality of waiting about
it. Full sun.
EXT: SIDE OF HOUSE -- DAY
Shaded by a tree.
EXT: BASEMENT WINDOW -- DAY
Heavily in shadow.
INT: BASEMENT -- DAY
Shadowed, potentially filled with terror as are all basements in
horror movies. CAMERA moves over to a little shed-like room in
the corner. Noise of a FAST-MOVING CLOCK.
INT: UPSTAIRS BATHROOM -- DAY
DELIA shrieks. Going through the dirty clothes, she's just come
across the sheets with the eye-holes cut in them.
DELIA
Lydia! Cathy! Cathy!
INT: DARKROOM -- DAY
A photograph coming up in the developing tank -- the ghosts in
the hallway.
LYDIA
Oh my God... oh shit...
No feet...
INT: DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY -- DAY
LYDIA, pounding up from the basement with the wet print, collides
with DELIA, rushing down from the second floor with the scissored
sheets.
LYDIA
Oh God, Delia. They were
ghosts! Ghosts! They didn't
have any feet!
DELIA
Lydia, I'm going to kill you,
honest to God I'm going to kill
you. I'm going to lock you in
that basement like you were a
goddamned hyacinth.
LYDIA stands open-mouthed with the wet photograph. DELIA turns
on her heel and storms up the stairs.
DELIA (cont)
Cathy! Cathy! I'm going to
kill you too.
INT: CHARLES'S OFFICE -- DAY
Later in the day. LYDIA has calmed down, changed clothes. She
now has a number of the prints. CATHY's there too, looking at
the prints, saying nothing, and certainly not giving away the
fact that she talked to the ghosts.
CHARLES is seated before the word processor, vainly trying to
work.
LYDIA
Can you believe it? I mean,
this is the weirdest --
CHARLES
Lydia, I don't know what it
is with you and these practical
jokes, but --
LYDIA
THIS IS NOT A JOKE!
CHARLES
This is air-brushing. This is
a result of that class you took
in air-brushing last fall. It's
pretty good, but I've seen better.
Now would you two please --
The door of the room flies open, and there stands DELIA, carrying
several sets of sheets.
DELIA
I want you two girls to know
that there is no Ralph Lauren
outlet in Winter River. Which
means that Otho and Evelyn
-- our very first overnight
guests in this house -- are going
to be sleeping tonight on a
polyester blend.
She flings the sheets at LYDIA and CATHY.
LYDIA
Delia, look at these pictures.
Please. Just for a minute.
Honest. There are ghosts in
this house.
CATHY
There are. I've seen them.
The family stare at her for a minute.
CATHY (cont)
I talked to them. They're
very nice. (Beat) Their names
are Adam and Barbara, and they
live --
In the midst of this, DELIA explodes.
DELIA
I can't believe you two are doing
this to me! Ghosts. Ghosts.
Otho and Evelyn will be here in
half an hour and I haven't even
begun to salt the ducks and
you are coming to me with this
bullshit about ghosts! I can't
believe that you two are trying to
undermine my self-esteem in this
way.
She storms out of the room.
CHARLES looks at his two daughters.
CHARLES
Great. Fabulous. It's going to
be a terrific evening. I can tell
already.
He goes out, after DELIA.
CATHY is left alone with LYDIA. LYDIA flings the photographs at
CATHY.
LYDIA
You jerk. That would have believed
me if you hadn't thrown in all that
other crap. They'll never listen
to me now.
LYDIA storms out.
CATHY
But it's true. They're...
She's all alone in the office.
One of the printers sputters to life, and begins to spew out
pages.
CATHY slowly walks out of the room, looking through LYDIA's
photographs.
INT: THE ATTIC -- DAY
ADAM and BARBARA are looking at the photographs.
CATHY
Those are the pictures my
sister took, and even when
she showed them to Mom and
Dad, they didn't believe
you were real. And then I
said I had met you, and they
still didn't believe us.
ADAM
Well, we'll have to try
something else. Maybe if
you came back a little later,
we could work something up.
Sort of try it out on you
first.
CATHY
I don't know if I can come
back tonight. We're having
guests -- Lydia's real mom,
and Otho -- he's the one who's
helping Mom do all the re-
decoration. And Mom says I
have to macerate the endive.
CATHY leaves.
BEETLE JUICE (v.o.)
Poor kid.
ADAM and BARBARA look down into the model.
IN THE MODEL --
BEETLE JUICE lies sunning himself in the park. He's wearing the
world's smallest Speedo, and has a sunning reflector around his
neck.
BARBARA
Those sheets didn't work at
all.
BEETLE JUICE
I told you. You have to start
small till you get the hang of
it. Hey', they're giving a
party tonight, and there's
your chance.
ADAM
You'll tell us what to do?
BEETLE JUICE
That's what I'm here for,
pal. Hey, you're blocking
my rays.
ADAM and BARBARA pull back.
INT: DINING ROOM -- NIGHT
The DEETZ's first dinner party, using EVELYN (CHARLES's first
wife,) and OTHO as guinea pigs. Even so, things aren't going as
well as DELIA had hoped. It's EVELYN who's putting in the knife,
and OTHO (under the guise of friendship) who's twisting it.
EVELYN
Nobody understands why
you did it, Delia.
CATHY
Did what?
EVELYN
Drag your whole family into
the wilds of Connecticut.
You'll never get anybody
to visit you.
CHARLES
You came quickly enough,
Evelyn.
EVELYN
That's because I had to get
you to sign some very important
contracts. People come up to
me, and say, "Why on earth did
they do it? What's in Winter
River?"
LYDIA
Zilch. Zilch is what is in
Winter River.
OTHO
Well, I defend you. I tell
people that I think it was
a wonderful idea. Charles can
write without distraction --
and for a conceptual artist like
Delia who is -- let's face it,
in a critical slump... I tell
people it's good for you to
appear inaccessible. But I have
to agree with Evelyn, it's going
to be hard to get people out here.
DELIA, in her agitation, knocks over a glass of water. The glass
falls off the table onto the fine Oriental carpet beneath the
table. There's a little distracting to-do about retrieving it.
DELIA
Well, there's not going to be
any difficulty about getting them
out here when they find out just
how special this house is.
OTHO
It's nice, Delia, and it will be
more than presentable when I've
worked my way with it -- but I
don't know if I'd care to use the
word special.
DELIA
Ghosts aren't special? Ghosts
are pretty special in my book.
CHARLES
(Cautionary) Lydia and Cathy
tried to play a little joke on
us this afternoon.
LYDIA
It wasn't a joke.
CHARLES
They tried to convince Delia
and me that this house was
haunted.
OTHO's glance is sharp at this.
DELIA
Of course I was a little
sceptical at first, but I've
always felt I had a sympathy
with that sort of thing.
And Otho, ghosts should be
right up your alley.
LYDIA
Why?
DELIA
Before Otho started
slinging chintz he was
giving backroom seances
in the East Village.
OTHO
Yes, well, the bottom fell
out of the psychic market
in seventy-two, but my powers
are undiminished. And I have
never relinquished my profound
interest in matters of the
spirit.
EVELYN
Delia, it's cute schtick, but
you're going to have a pretty
rough time convincing
me -- or any of your other
friends -- that this house is
haunted. We're going to need
-- what's that phrase?
OTHO
Ocular demonstration.
EVELYN
Right. Proof. We just --
EVELYN suddenly breaks off with --
A VIOLENT SCREAM.
DELIA stares at her for a moment, then an expression of shock
crosses DELIA's face and she shrieks as well.
The two women try to push back their chairs from the table, but
can't.
The patterned flowers and vines in the carpet have begun to grow,
twisting around the chair- and table-legs.
New shoots and vines appear, unfold, and twist even as we watch.
The flowers bud and bloom, as in a Disney time-lapse nature film.
Everyone looks on with astonishment as more of the carpet
sprouts. There is a general retreat from the table.
LYDIA fetches one of her cameras, never very far away.
LYDIA
It's the ghosts. I told you.
I told you they were real.
CHARLES
Then Cathy was telling the
truth too. (To OTHO) She
said she had talked to them.
OTHO
It's woooon-der-fullll. In-
controvertible proof of the presence
of the supernatural element in this
house. I was, and I remain, an
expert in this field.
DELIA shoots a look of triumph at EVELYN.
INT: ATTIC ROOM -- NIGHT
ADAM and BARBARA lying on the floor with their heads near the
window, looking out over the front yard.
ADAM
Any minute now. They'll all
run screaming --
Timid knock at the door of the attic.
BARBARA glances at ADAM and then goes to the door and opens it.
CATHY is standing there, sheepish.
CATHY
They'd like for you to come
downstairs. Mom says you
can use any sheets you want.
INT: LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
The DEETZs, OTHO, and EVELYN are sitting expectantly. The
photographs are being passed around.
DELIA
I mean, doesn't it indicate a
marvellous sense of humor on the
part of the ghosts that they
actually do appear in sheets?
Who would expect that?
OTHO
We are obviously dealing with
a very sophisticated pair.
EVELYN
Charles, I want to know why
you didn't call me about this
right away. The book rights
alone could make us a fortune...
She waves a hand toward the dining room. It's a total jungle in
there now.
CHARLES
We were just waiting for proof,
Evelyn.
He points to LYDIA's photographs.
EVELYN
Yes, of course. Lydia
darling, these prints alone --
CATHY appears at the base of the stairs. Everyone looks to her
expectantly.
CATHY
They just won't. They wouldn't
say why.
DELIA
Well they have to. That's all
there is to it.
OTHO
They must have a reason.
CATHY
I think the reason is they were
trying to scare you, and you
didn't get scared --
DELIA
Of course we weren't scared.
Just a little startled.
CHARLES
I don't see --
He breaks off when he looks back at the dining room. It's
completely clear again. All eyes travel to that room.
EVELYN
Of course they were rather
spectacular effects -- for
Connecticut I mean.
DELIA
Are you insinuating --
OTHO
(To CATHY) You can see them,
can't you?
CATHY doesn't answer.
CHARLES
Where do they live? Hide out?
OTHO
All presences have a home
space. A place where they
work out of, so to speak.
CATHY
The attic.
DELIA
(To CATHY) Well then, come
on.
INT: LANDING OUTSIDE OF ATTIC
CATHY AND DELIA
DELIA
They're in there? This is
where they've been hiding
out?
CATHY nods. DELIA pounds on the door.
DELIA
All right, you dead people,
come on out, or we're going
to break down this goddamn
door and drag you downstairs.
CATHY
Why don't you say please?
DELIA
You've got to take the
right tone in things like this,
Cathy, or people -- whether
they're dead or alive -- people
will walk all over you. These
are lessons that it's important
for you to learn. (Loud) Come
on you, or I will make death
so miserable for you that you
will wish you had never been
buried.
The door cracks open with an EERIE WHINE.
INT: LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
The family waiting, expectant. DELIA comes down the stairs with
a smug smile. CATHY follows, looking worried.
CHARLES
Are they coming?
OTHO
They're already here. I can
feel it.
EVELYN
(Sceptical)
How do we know?
She looks at CHARLES, as if to say, DELIA's Trying To Pull a Fast
One.
Then, quite suddenly, these things happen:
An ugly modern lamp is knocked over and smashed.
An enormous rip appears in a dreadful canvas on the wall.
The ugly rug in the center of the room has a pentangle charred
into it.
All the chairs are knocked over backwards, with everyone
spilling out.
There's a moment of stunned silence, and then the DEETZs and
their two guests -- without saying a word -- get up and begin
politely to applaud.
INT: MODEL WHOREHOUSE -- NIGHT
Old-fashioned, turn-of-the-century, parody of Storyville. BEETLE
JUICE is surrounded with horned lovelies, drinking champagne,
carousing. The song "Honky Tonk Angel" is playing on a piano.
INT: ATTIC -- NIGHT
BARBARA and ADAM, in high dudgeon, are staring down at the model.
The whorehouse is garishly lighted -- and we hear the music only
faintly.
ADAM
I did not build a
cathouse for Winter River.
He reaches down and lifts off the roof of the cathouse.
INT: MODEL WHOREHOUSE -- NIGHT
The roof comes off. The horned lovelies scatter with little
squeals of fright.
BEETLE JUICE
You went to a party.
Thought I'd have a little
party of my own. How'd it
go, guys?
BARBARA
It went great. Now it looks
like we're going to spend the
next hundred and thirty-two
years doing parlor tricks.
ADAM
It didn't scare them a bit.
They applauded. Are you going
to be able to give us some
real help?
BEETLE JUICE
Yeah. Sure. So you're asking
me to really help you?
BARBARA & ADAM
Yes, we are.
BEETLE JUICE
Then I'll put my thinking cap
on. And you two guys don't
have to worry about anything
anymore.
ADAM replaces the roof, and it shakes the whole house.
BEETLE JUICE sits alone in the whorehouse parlor, sipping
champagne. He has a wry smile on his face. Everything is going
according to plan.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
INT: WINTER RIVER HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA -- NOON
We open on a large banner reading: WELCOME BACK WINTER RIVER
BADGERS
We pan off the banner to three hundred stunned-looking Badgers,
the freshest-faced crop of wholesome American teens ever
assembled in one cafeteria.
They all stare dumbfounded at...
LYDIA DEETZ
sitting all alone in full DEATH ROCKER regalia. She wears a T-
shirt emblazoned with a holographic image of the CHEST-BURSTER
from ALIEN; a skirt that appears to be made of barbed wire;
Neferti