"GHOST WORLD"
by
DANIEL CLOWES
and
TERRY ZWIGOFF
OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE - EVENING
We MOVE through the city in a series of brief shots that
define and establish our setting, from commercial district
to residential neighborhood. Eventually we find ourselves
moving down a street of two-story apartment buildings. Many
of the windows are lit from within by an EERIE BLUE LIGHT.
As we track past at window-level we see:
A glum, sedated-looking COUPLE watching TV. An ignored TODDLER
runs amok behind them as a cheery commercial plays..
An empty room...
A large, hirsute MAN, wearing only Lycra jogging shorts,
watching the Home Shopping Network while eating mashed
potatoes with his fingers...
A dazed old woman staring out the window.
The silhouette of a TEENAGE GIRL dancing by herself.
We enter her room and see the TV SCREEN. The source of the
THEME MUSIC is A VIDEO of an insane East Indian production
number from the 1960's. The room is cluttered with heaps of
clothes, old records, odd knick-knacks. We see her silhouetted
back as she dances along to the video while trying on a
GRADUATION CAP AND GOWN.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION - AFTERNOON NEXT DAY.
A modern high school auditorium. Over the entrance a banner
with a "Coca Cola" logo reads: "GRADUATION TODAY 2 PM."
INT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - SAME DAY
A graduation ceremony is in progress. We DOLLY PAST the bland
faces of teary-eyed graduates until we stop on ENID. At first,
we only see the top of her mortarboard; as she lifts her
head we see that she's trying desperately not to laugh.
She makes eye-contact with REBECCA, another graduate, who is
also trying to stifle her laughter. The SPEAKER is in an
elaborate wheelchair with severe-looking traction devices.
SPEAKER
High school is like the training
wheels for the bicycle of real life.
It is a time for young people to
explore different fields of interest
and to hopefully grow from their
experiences. After all, that which
we learn from our mistakes can be as
valuable as what we learn from our
textbooks, and often we can turn the
negative experiences that are common
to all high-schoolers into positive
steps toward personal growth and
achievement. In coming to terms with
my own personal setback, which I'm
sure you've all heard about, I've
been able to learn a lot about myself.
I've learned for one thing that I
don't need to rely on drugs and
alcohol
(APPLAUSE)
and that I'm very lucky-that more
people besides Carrie and myself
weren't hurt in the accident; I've
learned that I'm blessed with
wonderful parents, teachers and above
all the best classmates in the world --
I love each and every one of you
guys!!
(APPLAUSE)
and I've learned that to get through
life's obstacles you need faith,
hope and, most of all, a sense of
humor.
(BIG APPLAUSE)
A trio of TEENAGE GIRLS (one white, one Asian, one black)
come running out from the wings and start dancing and rapping.
The audience loves them.
EBONY
No more eduCATION...
VANILLA
It's time for celeBRATION...
JADE
'cause this is the day of our high
school GraduATION...
EBONY
We've stayed for the durATION...
VANILLA
Achieved matricuLATION...
JADE
Now we're the newest members of the
general popuLATION...
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - LATE AFTERNOON
The auditorium door opens and GRADUATES emerge. Enid & Rebecca
run away from the crowd, triumphantly holding rolled up
diplomas. They run toward the school playground, nearly
bursting with excitement over their long-awaited release.
Enid stops and looks back at the school. She gives it THE
FINGER. They sit on a see-saw, out of breath.
ENID
God, what a bunch of retards...
REBECCA
I thought Chipmunk-face was never
going to shut up.
ENID
I know, I liked her better when she
was an alcoholic crack addict! She
gets in one car wreck and all of a
sudden she's Little Miss Perfect and
everybody loves her.
REBECCA
It's totally sickening.
(she unrolls her
DIPLOMA)
Let's see if they gave me the right
diploma...
Enid opens hers. Instead of a diploma, it's an OFFICIAL
LOOKING DOCUMENT with a pink Post-It note on the front page.
ENID
What?... Oh suck my fucking dick!
REBECCA
What?
ENID
These assholes are saying that I
have to go to Summer school and take
some stupid art class!
REBECCA
Why?
ENID
Remember that stupid hippie art
teacher who failed me sophomore year?
I didn't think that just because you
get an "F" that means you have to
take the class over again.
REBECCA
You loser.
EXT. "DAYS INN" HOTEL - EVENING
The sign reads "Welcome Graduates".
INT. "DAYS INN" HOTEL - EVENING
Party in progress in the "Gold Room". A band plays TOP-40
"lite" rock
REBECCA
(watching band)
This is so bad, it's almost good.
ENID
This is so bad it's gone past good
and back to bad again...
CLOSE-UP ON ENID, we see the party from her POV: The six or
seven MOST POPULAR STUDENTS huddle closely together.
ENID
Just think, we'll never have to see
any of these creepy faces ever again.
REBECCA
Unless they're in your Summer school
class!
ENID
Shut up!
REBECCA
Uh oh... don't turn around...
ENID
What? Why?
REBECCA
Forget it...
MELORRA, an ambitious, incessantly upbeat classmate,
approaches them.
MELORRA
Oh my God, you guys! I can't believe
we made it!
ENID
Yeah, we graduated high school --
how totally amazing.
MELORRA
So what are you guys doing this
Summer?
ENID
Nothing.
MELORRA
I'm going to be in this actor's
workshop, and I'm hoping to start
going on auditions soon. I'm so
excited to finally have some free
time. We have to get together this
summer!
ENID
Oh yeah, that'll definitely happen...
MELORRA
(spotting better people
to talk to)
Well, bye you guys... CONGRATULATIONS!
Melorra leaves.
ENID
Since when is she an "actress"?
REBECCA
I know, she needs to die immediately.
TODD, a friendly but slightly below-average-looking guy,
approaches from behind.
TODD
Hey Rebecca!
REBECCA
Oh... hi...
TODD
(pause)
So... we finally --
ENID
What about me? Am I not even here?
TODD
Oh, hey Enid...
(starting over)
So... we finally made it!
REBECCA
Yep.
TODD
(awkward pause)
So... where are you going to college?
ENID
(before Rebecca can
answer)
We're not.
TODD
Really? Both of you?... Why not?
ENID
Just because.
REBECCA
We have other plans.
TODD
I guess I should have figured that
you two would do something different.
ENID
What are you going to be when you
grow up, Todd?
TODD
Well I'm going to major in Business
Administration and, I think, minor
in Communications.
ENID
See, that's exactly the kind of thing
we're trying to avoid.
(pause)
Todd starts to talk again but Enid has noticed something off
to the side.
TODD
So... I --
Enid grabs Rebecca and turns her away from Todd before he
can finish his sentence.
ENID
Oh my god, look! Is Stacy Himmler
going out with Rod Harbaugh?
REBECCA
How perfect.
ENID
He better watch out or he'll get
AIDS when he date-rapes her.
Todd, forgotten, walks away. The singer wails a sappy, maudlin
ballad. Enid spots DENNIS, the class loser, wandering around
by himself.
ENID
God, just think, we'll never see
Dennis again.
REBECCA
Good.
ENID
God, think about that... that's
actually totally depressing.
INT. THE QUALITY CAFE - DAY
The QUALITY CAFE is Enid and Rebecca' s hangout. A 50-ISH
MAN with shaved head, and his VAGUELY DIABOLICAL WIFE sit
eating lunch. Enid is drawing a picture of them in her
sketchbook when Rebecca arrives.
REBECCA
Hi.
ENID
Look at these people behind you.
I'm totally convinced they're
Satanists.
REBECCA
Why?
ENID
Just look at them!
REBECCA turns and makes eye contact with MR. SATANIST. She
calmly turns back to face Enid before cracking up.
REBECCA
So, when are we going to start looking
for our apartment?
ENID
Soon... I have to wait and see how
this Summer class goes.
REBECCA
Did you sign up yet?
ENID
Yeah, I just picked the one that
sounded the easiest.
REBECCA
God, it's so weird that we're finally
out of high school... We've been
waiting for this our whole life! Now
we can get our own apartment and do
anything we want. It's such a weird
feeling.
ENID
I know, it hasn't really hit me yet.
Enter JOHN ELLIS, an obnoxious young man with a perpetual
smirk.
JOHN
Well, if it isn't Enid and Rebecca,
the little Jewish girl and her Aryan
friend.
ENID
You're late, asshole.
JOHN
Fine, and how are you?
ENID
Did you bring that tape?
He puts a videotape on the table, just out of reach.
JOHN
You never paid me for that tape with
the Indian dance routine.
ENID
I did too!
JOHN
Tsk! You Jews are so clever with
money...
ENID
Fuck you, you stupid redneck hick!
REBECCA
Hey, look, the satanists are leaving!
ENID
We should follow them!
As the SATANISTS walk outside, they open umbrellas, even
though it's a bright, sunny day.
REBECCA
Totally... Oh my God, look!
The girls get up to follow them. Enid grabs the videotape.
ENID
(to John)
Thanks for the tape - I'll have to
pay you later, I'm broke.
JOHN
Hey, where are you going?
ENID
Later, "Dude".
REBECCA
Much later.
ENID
In fact, never.
EXT. QUALITY CAFE - DAY
Under harsh, glaring sunshine, the girls follow a half-block
behind the SATANISTS.
REBECCA
What do you do if you're a satanist,
anyway?
ENID
You know, sacrifice virgins and
stuff...
REBECCA
That lets us off the hook.
EXT. ACROSS FROM WOWSVILLE - TEN MINUTES HAVE PASSED
The SATANISTS continue slowly along with Enid & Rebecca still
following.
ENID
Maybe there's some weird secret
satanic society that meets at the
Quality Cafe and all of the other
regular customers are in on it except
for us.
REBECCA
Or maybe not.
ENID
Maybe they're slowly poisoning us or
they're planning to brainwash us and --
REBECCA
Okay, okay!
EXT. WOWSVILLE DINER - CONTINUOUS
ENID
Hey, look at this...
Enid points at the mini-mall in front of them. A new
restaurant - we see their banner: "GRAND OPENING. WOWSVILLE -
THE AUTHENTIC 50'S DINER".
ENID
"Authentic 50's diner"? Since when
were there mini-malls in the 1950's?
REBECCA
God, it's so totally pathetic.
INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - DAY
They're in a booth looking at menus. It's a less accurate
version of "Johnny Rockets". A golden oldie from the 80's
plays on the jukebox.
REBECCA
Who can forget this great hit from
the 50's?
ENID
I feel as though I've stepped into a
time warp!
The WAITER approaches. He has an ostentatious 70's-style
perm.
REBECCA
Check out the awesome "fifties" hairdo
on the waiter.
WAITER
Hi, my name is Allen, and I'll be
your waiter this afternoon.
ENID
Hi, Al!
REBECCA
Can we call you "Weird Al"?
WAITER
Heh heh. Our specials today are pasta
Vasilio, which is a pasta salad with
a light basil vinaigrette--
ENID
That was a popular dish in the 50's,
huh Weird Al?
AL
I imagine so! Also, we have a spinach
tortellini in a ricotta sauce. Both
of those are $6.95... shall I give
you a few minutes to mull it over?
ENID
I just want an order of onion rings.
REBECCA
I might actually get the pasta
special.
ENID
You loser!
AL
Pasta special and an order of onion
rings. Very good.
Al leaves.
ENID
Did you notice all those weird things
on the menu? Like "The Salad
Explosion"?
REBECCA
I know... and instead of "dessert"
it says "Mindbenders."
ENID
What does that even mean?
INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - TEN MINUTES LATER
Enid spots an abandoned newspaper, THE FREE WEEKLY, on the
adjoining table.
REBECCA
Check out the Personals... maybe our
future husbands are trying to contact
us.
ENID
God, this paper is so boring. Who
reads all this shit?
(flips through it
until she gets to
the Personals)
Here we go...
(reading)
"Windsurfing Doctor, Mensan IQ,
maverick Sagittarius. Let's hit the
clubs, make each other laugh!"
REBECCA
You can have that one.
ENID
Okay, well here's yours...
(reading)
"Who said all the most eligible
bachelors are taken? Not this one!
Stunning bod, very snugglelicious
ocean sunset dreamer."
REBECCA
Gross.
Al returns with their food.
AL
Can I get you ladies anything else,
or are you all set?
ENID
Later I might be interested in one
of those far-out "mindbenders."
Al leaves. Enid goes back to the paper.
ENID
Jesus! Listen to this one: "Do you
remember me? Airport shuttle, June
7th. You: striking redhead with yellow
dress, pearl necklace, brown shoes.
I was the bookish fellow in the green
cardigan who helped you find your
contact lens. Am I crazy, or did we
have a moment?"
REBECCA
God, that's so pathetic. I bet she
didn't even notice him.
ENID
I know. And he's like psychotically
obsessing over every little detail.
REBECCA
We should call him and pretend to be
the redhead.
ENID
Oh, we totally have to.
Enid tears out the ad and puts it in her sketchbook.
CU of sketchbook.
INT. OOMIE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Enid and Rebecca sit with Rebecca's grandmother OOMIE in her
living room. They eat TV dinners while watching Oomie's
favorite TV SHOW, which we hear but don't see.
NASAL-VOICED GIRL (V.O.)
So what happened next, Donna?
DONNA (DUMB BLONDE'S V.O.)
Then I told him he'd better take out
his hose and pump me!
NASAL-VOICED GIRL/ANOTHER GIRL (V.O.)
Don-na?!
DONNA (V.O.)
You guys! My car was out of gas!
LAUGH TRACK. Enid leans toward Rebecca.
ENID
(whispers)
Does Oomie really like this show?
REBECCA
(whispers)
Isn't it weird? It's her favorite.
OOMIE
Girls! Shh!
Enid and Rebecca exit.
INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - EVENING
Rebecca looks through Enid's sketchbook while Enid fiddles
with the remote, fast-forwarding through a tape in the VCR.
REBECCA
So what should we do?
ENID
Wait... I just want to see what's on
this tape.
REBECCA
What is this?
ENID
I dunno. John Ellis always puts on
all this sick stuff that I have to
fast-forward past to get to the good
stuff. There's supposed to be a Don
Knotts movie on here someplace.
Sound of FAST-FORWARDING. Rebecca glances up from the
sketchbook.
REBECCA
Wait, what is that?
Enid stops fast-forwarding. We don't see the screen but we
hear weird sounds like BOOTS WALKING THROUGH DEEP MUD.
ENID & REBECCA
EEEEWWWW!
Enid lurches forward to avert her gaze. She clicks off the
VCR, but leaves the TV on. She notices a PHOTO ALBUM on a
bookshelf under the television.
ENID
Hey - why do you have this?
REBECCA
You lent it to me in like tenth grade.
ENID
I've been looking all over for this.
ANGLE ON ALBUM as she leafs through it. We see a picture of
a FIVE-YEAR-OLD ENID with glasses.
ENID
Look at how cute I am!
REBECCA
What a little hosebag.
ANGLE ON PHOTO of ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD ENID & REBECCA at a party.
ENID
Look, that's back when I hated you.
REBECCA
I remember every minute of that party.
ENID
(another page)
There's my dad with Joanie.
REBECCA
I can never keep them all straight -
was she the super-bitch?
ENID
No, she was the second wife. The
third one was the super-bitch -
Maxine.
(finds a picture)
There! Look at her!
ANGLE ON PHOTO of MAXINE.
ENID
What a fucking monster!
Something on TV catches Rebecca's eye.
REBECCA
Oh my God! This is that comedian I
was telling you about! You have to
see this guy -- he's the absolute
worst!
A dead-pan comedian, JOEY McCOBB, is doing his stand-up
routine in a standard brick-wall comedy venue. He has a
contrived "I'm a weirdo" shtick.
JOEY
Just because I live with my mother
people think I'm peculiar... so what
if she's been dead for fifteen years!
Hehn hehn...
(Peter Lorre laugh)
REBECCA (V.O.)
God, that's barely even a joke.
JOEY
As I always say, take my life...
please!
ENID (V.O.)
If he's supposed to be so weird, how
come he's wearing Nikes?
ANNOUNCER
Joey McCobb, ladies and gentlemen...
Joey McCobb!
(APPLAUSE)
ENID
Joey McCobb is our God.
REBECCA
I want to do him!
ENID
I bet! Actually he reminds me of
that one creep you went out with --
you always go for guys with some
lame, fake shtick.
REBECCA
What are you talking about -- who?
ENID
That Larry guy -- what look was he
going for? A gay tennis player from
the forties?
REBECCA
Fuck you!
Rebecca turns the page of Enid's sketchbook to the torn-out
personal ad.
REBECCA
Hey! We forgot to call the loser!
ENID
Which loser?
REBECCA
You know, the green cardigan guy.
ENID
Oh yeah.
Rebecca goes to the phone and offers the receiver.
REBECCA
You call.
ENID
Why do I always have to do it?
REBECCA
You're better at it.
ENID
(as she dials)
I remember when I first started
reading these I thought DWF stood
for "dwarf!"
REBECCA
(ear up to phone)
What does it stand for?
ENID
Shh, it's his answering machine...
(pause)
We hear the indistinct traces of a
musical message followed by a faint
BEEP.
ENID
Hi, it's me - your "striking blonde."
Of course I remember you. Let's get
together for lunch sometime... How
about Friday at one o'clock?... Why
don't you meet me at my favorite
restaurant, "Wowsville"... It's in
the mall on Century Parkway... I'll
see you there, darling... and be
sure to wear that sexy green
cardigan...
As Enid hangs up they both start laughing.
EXT. SIDEWINDER - DAY
A franchise convenience store with a western motif.
INT. SIDEWINDER - DAY
JOSH, 19, is taking his apron off as his BOSS, a humorless
Greek immigrant, counts out the cash register. Cheerful Muzak
plays.
BOSS
AH AH AH! What you think you doing?
You still got five minutes left on
you shift!
Enid (wearing wraparound shades) & Rebecca enter.
ENID
Well hello there, young employee of
the Sidewinder.
JOSH
Look, I already told you I'm not
going to give you a ride.
ENID
What can you tell me, young man,
about the various flavors of "frozen
yogurt"?
JOSH
Look, I'll be done in a minute.
Just wait outside.
ENID
I'm afraid I don't understand. I
simply wish to know --
BOSS
JOSH! WHAT YOU DOING!?
JOSH
(SIGHS)
The flavors we're featuring this
week, in addition to old favorites
chocolate and vanilla, are Six-Gun
Strawberry, Wild Cherry Round-up,
and Ten Gallon Tangerine.
ENID
I don't believe I care for any of
those.
Rebecca giggles. A customer, DOUG, enters: a lowly specimen
with bad hair-cut, mustache, and jail-house tattoos, wearing
filthy designer jeans and no shirt.
DOUG
Hey, Josh... I need two packs of
smokes. I'm on a double shift
tonight... fuckin' sixteen hours,
man.
Doug brings a 40-ouncer to the counter. Josh has two packs
of Newports waiting for him.
DOUG
Hey, and gimme six of these beef
jerkys too - I'm hungry enough to
chew the crotch out of a rag doll!
Doug pays.
BOSS
Hey! I told you: No shirt, no service!
DOUG
(as he leaves)
Fuck you, man!
ENID
So Josh...
JOSH
Look, can we talk in a minute? I'm
almost done.
Enid looks at herself in the security mirror. She takes off
her hat and messes up her hair. She then takes off her shades
and replaces them with her standard horn-rims.
REBECCA
(nudging Enid, points
outside)
Look at this!
Outside we see Doug practicing with nunchuks and drinking a
beer. Heavy metal music blares from his car radio. The BOSS
sees this and goes out to yell at him.
BOSS
You get out of here!
Josh joins Enid & Rebecca on the other side of counter.
ENID
That guy rules!
JOSH
Who, Doug? He spends more time here
than I do...
ENID
So Josh, will you give us a ride?
Please? Pretty please? It's going to
be super fun!
JOSH
No.
REBECCA
Please Josh?
JOSH
Forget it, there's no way... find
some other poor sucker to abuse.
EXT. JOSH'S CAR - DAY
Josh is driving, chauffeur-like, with the two girls relaxing
in the back seat.
JOSH
Why do you even need a ride? You
could walk there in two minutes.
ENID
It's just an excuse for us to spend
time with you.
Enid and Rebecca giggle.
REBECCA
So Josh, if this guy freaks out,
will you protect us?
JOSH
He has every reason to freak out --
this is a totally fucked-up thing to
do to somebody!
ENID
God, I think Josh is too mature for
us.
REBECCA
I know, look at the way he drives...
he's like an old man.
ENID
Yeah, Josh, c'mon... MOVE IT!
EXT. GAFFEY STREET - DAY
Their car accelerates.
INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - 12:35 PM.
The three of them are seated at a corner booth. A song from
any decade other than the 50's PLAYS on the jukebox. A
BUSINESSMAN enters.
REBECCA
Look, maybe that's him!
ENID
It's still twenty-five minutes early.
JOSH
Aren't there a million places like
this?
ENID
This is the ultimate. It's like the
Taj Mahal of bad, fake 50's diners.
JOSH
So, where's "Weird Al"?
ENID
SHH! He's back there. I can see his
hair bobbing up and down.
REBECCA
I want to "make love" to him.
ENID
I'm going to tell him you said that.
WEIRD AL approaches with menus.
AL
So nice to see you again, ladies.
ENID
Hey, Weird Al, there's something my
friend wants to tell you --
REBECCA
SHUT UP!
ENID
She says she wants to MMPH!
Rebecca puts her hand over Enid's mouth.
CUT TO:
A PUSH SWEEPER, SWEEPING THE CARPET.
ANGLE ON: OLD WOMAN slowly sweeping.
WE FOLLOW HER BACK TO: Enid, Rebecca & Josh. They're now
eating: ten minutes have passed, it's 12:45.
ENID
So Josh... Becky and I are trying to
figure out what makes you tick.
Tell us about your political beliefs.
REBECCA laughs.
JOSH
Yeah, right.
ENID
No, I'm serious. Give us your whole
basic philosophy in a nutshell.
REBECCA
Oh my God, look, that's got to be
him!
A GUY enters.
ENID
Is he wearing a green cardigan?
REBECCA
What exactly is a cardigan anyway?
The GUY joins a friend.
ENID
That's not him... Jesus, stop freaking
me out.
JOSH
In answer to your question, I suppose
I endorse policies that are opposed
to stupidity and violence and cruelty
in any form...
ENID
I figured something like that...
REBECCA
Oh my God!
They see a somewhat funny-looking guy in his late 30's,
wearing a green cardigan, SEYMOUR, enter. Enid and Rebecca
hunch down in their seats.
ENID
It's obviously him!
REBECCA
I can't believe it!
Seymour sits down and looks around. Weird Al brings a menu.
ANOTHER ANGLE ON: WEIRD AL bringing his milkshake. Ten more
minutes have passed, it's 12:55.
REBECCA
What's going on now? What's he doing?
ENID
Oh my god, he just ordered a giant
glass of milk!
JOSH
(bursting her bubble)
It's a vanilla milkshake.
Fifteen more minutes have passed - it's 1:10 PM. Seymour
looks around, still hopeful. His date is now TEN MINUTES
LATE.
REBECCA
What's he doing now?
ENID
He's still just sitting there. God,
this is totally unbearable!
JOSH
I agree.
REBECCA
I wish I could see him.
ENID
Go ahead and look, but don't make it
too obvious...
Rebecca turns around and pretends to look past Seymour.
It's now 1:30 PM. His date is 30 MINUTES LATE. Seymour gets
up and walks sadly towards the cashier (Weird Al).
REBECCA
Do you think he knows?
ENID
I dunno...
They watch him leave. Enid goes up to pay the bill while
Josh and Rebecca go outside.
ENID
Hey Weird Al, did that guy say
anything to you before he left?
AL
Not a thing.
Enid goes back to the table to leave a tip, two dollars. Al
passes behind her.
AL
(cheerfully
professional despite
her abuse)
Thank you and come again.
Enid hesitates, overcome with guilt. She glances back at Al,
then digs every penny out of her pocket (about seven dollars
in coins and wadded up bills) and adds it to his tip.
EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY
The trio drive in silence. Suddenly, an extra-wide pick-up
vrooms past Josh, cutting off the driver (SEYMOUR) next to
him. SEYMOUR bobs violently as he screams silent obscenities.
JOSH
Jesus, look at this guy.
ENID
Oh my God, that's HIM!
REBECCA
Are you sure?
ENID
Totally! Look!
ANGLE ON: SEYMOUR really having a fit now. Once it's out of
his system, he reverts to an amiable poker-face.
ENID
He's insane!
REBECCA
We should follow him home.
JOSH
Forget it.
ENID
Come on, Josh... don't you want to
see where he lives?
JOSH
No.
ENID
But this guy is like a one-of-kind,
rare butterfly, and we have to follow
him back to his natural habitat...
JOSH
You need counseling.
EXT. SEYMOUR'S APARTMENT - DAY
Several minutes have passed. Seymour parks.
REBECCA
God, he lives right in our
neighborhood!
Seymour gets out and disappears up the steps of his building.
ENID
He doesn't even look that bummed
out, really.
REBECCA
I know... wouldn't you be totally
pissed off?
ENID
This kind of thing must happen to
him all the time.
INT. EXPERIMENTAL FILM - DAY
FULL SCREEN: grainy B&W video footage. The CAMERA travels up
a shadowy flight of stairs. We hear FOOTSTEPS, a rhythmic
POUNDING, and a deranged CHILDREN'S CHOIR ("LALALALALALA").
WOMAN'S VOICE
(cheap echo effect)
Returning to the house of my
Fatherfatherfatherfather...
The CAMERA reaches the top of the stairs, we see a door that
slowly CREAKS open. We move into the room beyond, it's
decorated with stuff from the 50's and a giant crucifix. We
HEAR a televangelist's sermon. We MOVE CLOSE on a little
girl's doll. Very slowly a MAN'S HAND reaches for the doll
and drags it into the shadows. The hand throws the now
mutilated doll into a toilet; water and blood swirl around.
We see grainy footage (shot off of TV) of Christians angrily
picketing an abortion clinic. CREDITS come up: THE END. A
FILM BY ROBERTA ALLSWORTH.
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
The lights go on, the VIDEO ends and the monitor is shut
off.
There are about a dozen students, mostly pimply 14-year-old
boys, a few 14-ish girls, and Enid, dressed in schoolgirl
outfit. The teacher, ROBERTA ALLSWORTH, addresses the class.
ROBERTA
That piece is entitled
"Mirror/Father/Mirror." I like to
show it to people I'm meeting for
the first time because it says so
much about who I am and what it feels
like to inhabit my specific skin.
And this is exactly what I'm hoping
to get from each of you over the
course of this Summer: a picture of
your own self-exploration. My own
background is in video and performance
art, but I'm hoping that doesn't
influence you and that you'll find
your own ways of externalizing the
internal. At the end of the Summer,
this class has been invited, along
with several others in the area, to
participate in a show of High-School
art at the Neighborhood Activity
Center. The title of the show will
be "Brotherhood and Community: Art
as Dialogue." I think the
"Brotherhood" theme ties in nicely
with the theme of self-discovery
that I'd like to emphasize in this
class. Are there any questions so
far?
(she's completely
lost them)
Great...
EXT. SEYMOUR'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Enid and Rebecca stand in front of Seymour's apartment.
ENID
This is way too creepy.
REBECCA
He won't see us... we'll just stalk
him from a distance.
ENID
I'm afraid if I see him, I'll start
feeling really bad again.
A pause.
ENID
So what should we do? We can't just
hide all day waiting for him to come
out...
EXT. SEYMOUR'S BUILDING - MAILBOX
There are three mail slots. Enid pulls the mail out of the
first one. We see FLOWER BULB CATALOGUES, and LADIES HOME
JOURNAL.
ENID
This is girl mail.
She grabs the mail out of SLOT NUMBER TWO.
ENID
This is all computer catalogues and
stuff...
Rebecca is looking at the mail from SLOT NUMBER THREE.
REBECCA
The W.C. Fields Fan Club Newsletter...
(she flips through
the mail)
Oh my God, The National Psoriasis
Foundation!
ENID
Bingo!
She shoves back the contents of slot number two and grabs
the mail from Rebecca. We hear MALE VOICES around the corner.
REBECCA
Wait! Do you hear that?
Enid jams the mail back in the slot in a panic.
ENID
Shit!
They slowly walk around the bushes toward the voices.
INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S GARAGE SALE - DAY
They see the GARAGE SALE, in progress. They've all spotted
each other.
REBECCA
What should we do? What if he
recognizes us?
ENID
Come on, it's too late now...
A middle-aged HOUSEWIFE browses with little enthusiasm as
Enid & Rebecca tentatively approach. Enid spots a MONGOOSE
VS. COBRA taxidermy piece near Joe...
ENID
Ew, look at this...
REBECCA
Gross!
ENID
I think it's cute - look at his little
weasel teeth.
REBECCA
Ew, it's like some gross rat...
JOE
(hardly looking up
from TV)
It's a mongoose.
REBECCA
Mm...
ENID
A what?
JOE
A mongoose... they eat snakes... you
never heard of a mongoose? That's a
classic piece of vintage taxidermy.
Nobody alive today knows how to do
work like that.
ENID
(looking underneath
it)
How much is this?
JOE
Umm... That's not officially for
sale... I might have to hang onto
that for the time being.
Joe shuts off the TV. He turns to the girls, not wanting to
lose the rapport he's established with two potential
customers.
JOE
So, are you looking for anything in
particular? There's a lot of other
stuff in storage...
He picks up a plastic Casio-type guitar/keyboard (a child's
toy) and starts noodling pre-programmed rock licks.
JOE
Perhaps the "Jam-in-ator" appeals to
you. Absolutely no practice
necessary. You shread like a giant.
Just press a button.
ENID
That's okay...
She notices several modern jazz LPs on Joe's table.
ENID
Do you have any other old records
besides these?
JOE
Seymour does.
ENID
Who does?
JOE
Him. Seymour. He's the man with the
records.
Enid glances at Rebecca and mouths the implausible name:
"Seymour?!" Rebecca snorts, unable to control her laughter,
and turns away from the table. Enid keeps her cool...
ENID
Do you have any old Indian records?
SEYMOUR
Indian records?
ENID
You know, like weird 1960's Indian
rock n' roll music.
SEYMOUR
I don't have anything after about
1935. I may have one Hindu 78 from
the twenties in my collection, but
it's not really for sale. I don't
really collect "foreign."
Enid drifts over and begins thumbing through a box of 78s.
SEYMOUR
Those are all 78s... Can you play
78s?
ENID
Sure!... Wait, maybe not 78s, but I
can play regular records...
He points her to a nearby box of LPs.
SEYMOUR
There's some good stuff in here...
do you like old music?
ENID
Sure, I guess.
SEYMOUR
Well there's a few choice LPs in
here that re-issue some really great
old blues stuff.
Rebecca tugs on Enid's sleeve. Enid gets free and continues
looking through the records. She stops on one with an
especially wacky cover.
ENID
Is this one any good?
SEYMOUR
Nah, it's not so great. Here's the
one I'd recommend.
He pulls out a bland-looking record: "COLLECTOR'S ITEMS,
VOLUME THREE." Rebecca shifts impatiently behind her.
SEYMOUR
This track alone by Memphis Minnie
is worth about $500 if you have the
original 78. She was one of the
greatest guitar players that ever
lived, and a great singer and
songwriter as well. I know the guy
who owns the original and lent it
for use on this reissue.
ENID
Wow!
Rebecca snorts at Enid's over-exuberance. Enid kicks her.
ENID
How much is it?
SEYMOUR
A dollar seventy-five.
ENID
Okay.
She pays him.
SEYMOUR
If you don't like it bring it back
for a refund. We're here every
Saturday.
He puts the record into a bag.
ENID
I'm sure it's fine.
INT. QUALITY CAFE - DAY
Enid & Rebecca sit in their usual booth. Rebecca is reading
THE FREE WEEKLY.
REBECCA
That was truly pathetic.
ENID
I know... I still can't get over
that his name was "Seymour."
Rebecca starts looking through the APARTMENT LISTINGS. She
takes a pen out of her purse.
REBECCA
He was so excited when you bought
that record -- you're a saint!...
God, these apartments are super
expensive...
ENID
It was so cute how he had his own
little bags. I thought I was going
to start crying!... Do you think
they're gay?
REBECCA
What about the "striking redhead in
the yellow dress"?
ENID
Oh yeah...
REBECCA
He should totally just kill himself...
Hey, here's one
(circles it)
...Oh wait...
(crosses it out)
you have to share it with a non
smoking feminist and her two cats...
ENID
I dunno... I kind of like him...
He's the exact opposite of everything
I really hate... In a way he's such
a clueless dork that he's almost
cool...
REBECCA
That guy is many things but he
definitely isn't "cool"... This one
would be okay, but there's no
kitchen...
ENID
Yeah, but... you know what I mean.
REBECCA
Not really...
ENID
Forget it, I can't explain it...
Awkward silence. Melorra enters.
MELORRA
Oh my god, what are you guys doing
here?
ENID
What are you doing here, Melorra?
MELORRA
My acting workshop is across the
street from here. I'm just on my
break.
ENID
Well, we won't keep you.
MELORRA
I love this place... it's so - you
know, "funky."
Enid and Rebecca look at each other.
MELORRA
What are you guys up to?
REBECCA
We're looking for an apartment.
MELORRA
God how cool. Where are you moving?
ENID
We're not sure yet, that's why we're
looking.
REBECCA
Somewhere downtown.
MELORRA
God that's so exciting!
(looks at clock)
Oops, I should go. Bye you guys!
Call me.
Melorra leaves quickly.
REBECCA
"Funky"?
ENID
What, is she black now?
They watch her cross the street - she's dressed in expensive
"casual" clothes with a fancy backpack.
REBECCA
I've been thinking about when we
look for our apartment how we have
to try and convince people that we're
like these totally rich yuppies...
ENID
What are you talking about?
REBECCA
That's who people want to rent to.
It's a known fact that it's way easier
to get a job and everything if you're
rich... All we have to do is buy a
few semi-expensive outfits and act
like it's no big deal... it'll be
fun.
ENID
You just want an excuse to dress
like some stupid fashion model without
me making fun of you.
REBECCA
Just promise you'll do it.
ENID
Okay, okay, I promise... Jesus, you're
out of your mind.
INT. ENID'S BATHROOM - DAY
Loud water running; PUNK ROCK blares from adjoining bedroom
as Enid, her head in the sink, sings along, making up her
own words. As she straightens INTO FRAME, we see that she's
dyed her hair green. She grabs a towel and heads into the
bedroom.
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Her DAD enters with a mixing bowl, oblivious to the green
hair and loud music.
DAD
(over music)
Have you seen my blue spatula?
ENID
Nope. What are you making, pancakes?
DAD
Not if I don't find that goddamn
spatula.
Dad leaves. Enid messes up her hair in different ways while
singing along to the tape and looking at herself in the
mirror. Rebecca opens the door and stands in the doorway.
REBECCA
(disdainful)
When did you do that?
Enid turns around, startled, but instantly regains helps
composure.
ENID
What? How long have you been standing
there?
EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/NEAR ACME SHOES - DAY
REBECCA
Did you have to buy new hair dye or
did you still have some left over
from eighth grade?
ENID
Fuck you, bitch!
They walk past a sad-looking ACME SHOES AND REPAIR STORE, in
a distinctive old building, that looks as if it's been there
forever. They stop and peer through the window.
ENID
We still have to go in there sometime.
REBECCA
It's always closed...
ENID
I bet they have tons of incredible
shoes hidden in the back.
They continue walking.
ENID
Hey look, it's the pants.
We see a pair of discarded jeans on the sidewalk.
REBECCA
Where are we going?
ENID
Let's go hassle Josh.
REBECCA
"Hassle"?
They see a MIDDLE-AGED MAN dressed in a shabby threadbare
suit and hat sitting at what was once a bus stop. The rusty
sign has a red sticker on it that says "No longer in service."
REBECCA
There he is...
ENID
As always.
REBECCA
Waiting for the bus that never
comes...
ENID
I wonder if he's just totally insane
and he really thinks a bus is coming
or --
REBECCA
Why don't you ask him.
Enid sits next to THE MAN. Rebecca stands behind the bench,
taken aback that Enid is going to end the long standing
speculation.
ENID
Hi... what's your name?
MAN
(looks at watchless
wrist, then down the
street)
Norman.
ENID
...are you waiting for a bus?
MAN
Yes.
ENID
I hate to tell you this but they
cancelled this bus line two years
ago... There are no buses on this
street.
MAN
You don't know what you're talking
about.
EXT. JOSH'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Enid & Rebecca are on the outside porch/walkway on the second
floor of Josh's building. Enid POUNDS on his pasteboard door;
the windows RATTLE with each hollow THUD.
ENID
JOSH!
REBECCA
JOSH!
ENID & REBECCA
JOSH!
ENID
He's probably in there jerking off.
REBECCA
I'll bet he never jerks off...
ENID
Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like
that.
REBECCA
Should we leave a note?
Enid finds a piece of paper - the back of a pizza flyer.
ENID
Do you have a pen?
She writes, while Rebecca looks over her shoulder. "Dear
Josh. We came by to fuck you but you didn't answer the door.
Therefore you are gay. Signed, Tiffany and Amber."
REBECCA
You're not really going to leave
that are you?
Enid pushes the note over his doorknob.
EXT. ENTERING ZINE-O-PHOBIA BOOKSTORE - DAY
REBECCA
Why are we going here? I hate this
place.
ENID
It'll only take a second.
INT. ZINE-O-PHOBIA BOOKSTORE - DAY
They enter. We see racks of books-with titles like "Make
Explosives At Home." Rebecca walks over to the magazine rack.
CREEP #1
-- I'm telling you, you're wrong --
carpet beetles are the only way to
get the flesh off a corpse... Boiling
is strictly for amateurs!
ENID
Don't you creeps ever talk about
anything nice? Don't you ever talk
about fluffy kittens or the Easter
Bunny?
CREEP #1
Look who's talking - little miss
badass...
CREEP #2
Yeah, nice outfit - who are you
supposed to be, Cyndi Lauper?
ENID
Blow me, doofus!
John Ellis emerges from the back and begins to unload a box
of books onto the shelves. He stops and looks at Enid.
JOHN ELLIS
Didn't they tell you?
ENID
Tell me what?
JOHN ELLIS
Punk rock is over!
ENID
I know it's over, asshole, I --
JOHN ELLIS
If you really want to "fuck up the
system" - you should go to business
school -- that's what I'm gonna do:
get a job at some big corporation
and fuck things up from the inside!
ENID
That's not even --
JOHN ELLIS
Yeah yeah yeah. Do you have my money?
She wads up a twenty-dollar bill and throws it at him.
JOHN ELLIS
Oh, how "punk."
ENID
That tape sucked, by the way!
JOHN ELLIS
I'm so sorry if you were offended!
He heads toward the back room with the empty box.
ENID
Go die, asshole!
JOHN ELLIS
Get a job!
He exits. Rebecca walks over to Enid.
REBECCA
What was that all about?
ENID
It's not like I'm some modern Punk
dickhead... It's obviously supposed
to be a 1977 Punk look, but I guess
Johnny Fuckface is too stupid to get
it!
REBECCA
I didn't get it either.
ENID
Everybody's too stupid!
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM/BATHROOM - EVENING
Enid dejectedly enters and heads straight for the bathroom.
She rummages through a cabinet until she finds the right box
(black hair dye). She wets her hair, then goes into the
bedroom and mechanically turns on her boom box. The punk
rock song we heard earlier plays. She yanks out the tape and
flings it away. She skims through her records and CDs,
dismissing them all. She notices Seymour's bag in the corner.
She takes out the record and puts it on. The first tune is
an upbeat instrumental number. She returns to the bathroom.
Several minutes pass. TRACK TWO begins on the LP. She (and
we) slowly begin to take notice. It's a strange, haunting
old BLUES RECORD. We see that the tune has struck a nerve.
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
The song continues. Enid sits in her bean-bag chair. Her
hair is now dyed back to black. As the song ends, she picks
up the needle and starts it again.
INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S GARAGE SALE - DAY
ENID
Yeah, it took a while before I got a
chance to play it, but when I heard
that song it was like --
SEYMOUR
So you really liked it? Yeah, there's
some really rare performances. You
liked that Memphis Minnie, huh?
ENID
Yeah, that's good too... the whole
record was good, but that one song,
"Devil Got My Woman" -- I mostly
just keep playing that one over and
over... Do you have any other records
like that?
SEYMOUR
The Skip James record? Yeah, that's
a masterpiece. There are no other
records like that! I actually have
the original 78 of it in my
collection. It's one of maybe five
known copies.
ENID
(nearly sincere)
Wow!
SEYMOUR
Do you want to see it? I can run
upstairs and get it...
ENID
Yeah, sure, I guess...
SEYMOUR
(to Joe, he always
says this when he
leaves his table)
Watch my stuff.
Seymour exits. An uncomfortable pause as Enid stands at the
table. She touches the mongoose's tooth.
JOE
(not looking up)
You still interested in that?
ENID
I thought it wasn't for sale.
JOE
I'm thinkin' maybe I could let it
go...
ENID
It's kind of falling apart.
Seymour returns with the 78, holding it like a precious
object.
SEYMOUR
Here it is. It's only about V minus
and has an incipient lam crack, but
plays decent as I recall.
Seymour passes the 78 to Enid who follows suit and holds it
carefully by the edges.
ENID
Wow...
Enid pretends to drop the record.
ENID
Oops! I dropped it!
SEYMOUR
NO!!!
ENID
Hey, I was only kidding!
She hands the record back to Seymour, who's shaken and
embarrassed.
ENID
Jesus, Seymour... are you all right?
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
Starts with a PAN ACROSS a wall of unimpressive high school
art: dumb drawings of fighting Chuck Norris-types, traced
centerfolds, highly sexualized horses, etc. And, on a table,
a wire sculpture made from two coathangers.
ROBERTA
I'm not going to start a discourse
on the subject of "good" art vs.
"bad" art; these judgments are for
each person to make on his own. I
merely want to help each of you find
the best way to look within yourselves
the best key to your particular lock.
Last week I asked you to-try and
create a piece of artwork that
responds to something that you have
strong feelings about.
Enid enters late and puts her sketchbook on the table.
ROBERTA
And it looks like we have some really
interesting work up here....
Roberta peruses some of the art, then points to a very violent
drawing.
ROBERTA
What can you tell, us about your
piece... uh...
(struggles to read
signature)
...Phillip?
PHILLIP
(very stupid and
nervous)
Uh... it's uh... it's about The
Mutilator...
ROBERTA
My goodness!
PHILLIP
It's this really great video game
about a guy who kills people with a
big hammer...
ROBERTA
(trying to make a
joke)
I thought maybe this was supposed to
be your father.
No response from Phillip. Roberta nicks up Enid's sketchbook
and leafs through it.
ROBERTA
And what can you tell us about this...
(searches for name)
ENID
Enid. It's sort of like a diary I
guess.
We see several sketches, including the drawing of the
SATANISTS. Roberta shows a few pages to the class.
ROBERTA
I think that Phillip and Enid can
help us to see that there are-many
different ways we can express
ourselves. We can do things like
these cartoons that are amusing as a
sort of light entertainment or we
can do work that is more serious in
scope and feeling and that deals
with issues; emotional, spiritual,
political; of great importance. I
hope that you will each have the
tools to do that type of work by the
end of this class.
(pause, points at
WIRE SCULPTURE)
Who is responsible for this?
MARGARET
I am.
ROBERTA
Talk to us about it...
MARGARET
It's my response to the issue of a
woman's right to choose... it's
something I feel super-strongly about.
ROBERTA
Isn't this a wonderful piece, class?
This definitely falls into that higher
category of art I was speaking of
earlier.
MARGARET glances over at Enid. Enid gives her a dirty look.
INT. "MASTERPIECE VIDEO" STORE - AFTERNOON.
On a monitor, a generic trailer is playing.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
Hello and welcome to Masterpiece
video. How may I help you this
afternoon, sir?
CUSTOMER
I'm looking for a copy of 8 1/2.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
Yessir! Is it a new release, sir?
CUSTOMER
No, it's the classic Italian film.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
Let me look that up on the computer
for you, sir!
(FIDDLES WITH COMPUTER)
Yes, here it is - 9 1/2 WEEKS with
Mickey Rourke. It's in our "Erotic
Dramas" section.
CUSTOMER
No, not "9 1/2", 8 1/2 , the Fellini
film.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
I'll check that for you sir. How do
you spell the actor's name - F-I-L-E-
E-P-E-E...?
WE SEE Enid & Rebecca, dressed up in sexy outfits.
REBECCA
How about this one?
ENID
Hey, you have to see my new good
luck charm.
She pulls out a small porcelain figure of a MAN FLUSHING
HIMSELF DOWN A TOILET with the words "Goodbye Cruel World"
on the base.
REBECCA
Ew ... when did you get that?
ENID
This morning at Seymour's garage
sale.
REBECCA
God, aren't you tired of Seymour
yet?
Rebecca picks up another tape.
REBECCA
How about this?
ENID
Forget it. I'm sure it sucks. All
these movies suck.
An obnoxious SIX-YEAR-OLD tries to get his PARENTS to add
another tape to their already tall stack. He stares at the
video monitor.
Another MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE reshelves videos near them.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #2
(overly cheerful)
Hello! How are you young ladies this
evening? May I help you find a
particular Masterpiece movie?
ENID
No.
They walk by him.
ENID
Let's get out of here, this place
makes me sick.
REBECCA
We have to do something fun tonight
this is my last weekend of freedom
before I start my stupid job.
ENID
I know a party we could go to...
REBECCA
What? Where?!
ENID
It's a surprise.
REBECCA
I don't believe you.
ENID
If I promise you there's really a
party with a lot of guys, do you
promise you'll go?
INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
A depressing COLLECTORS' GET-TOGETHER in progress. Enid &
Rebecca sit on an old sofa in the corner. Nine or ten RECORD
COLLECTORS mill about.
JEROME
There are some records I will pay
serious money for, provided they're
a sincere V plus. Other than that
I'd prefer to just have them on CD.
STEVEN
CDs will never have the presence of
an original 78.
JEROME
WRR-ONG! A digital transfer adequately
mastered will sound identical to the
original. Do you have a decent
equalizer?
STEVEN
I have a Klipsch 2B3.
JEROME
Obviously the problem! You expect a
ten-band equalizer to impart state
of-the-art sound? Dream a little
dream! etc...
Enid & Rebecca are sitting nearby.
REBECCA
I totally, totally hate you.
ENID
Aw c'mon, this is a fun party.
ANGLE ON: Joe stands talking to GERROLD, an obnoxious, pushy,
fast-talking guy who keeps eyeing Rebecca. He shovels food
into his mouth as he speaks.
GERROLD
So what's the story with the two
cheerleaders over here?
JOE
They're Seymour's.
GERROLD
Seymour? You gotta be kidding me!
JOE
Don't worry about it. He's not gettin'
any and neither are you.
GERROLD
(poking Joe in the
chest)
Let me tell ya somethin', Joe...
Listen to me, Joe... you can't hit a
home run without swinging the bat!
JOE
Right.
Gerrold walks over to where Rebecca is sitting. He sits on
the arm of sofa next to her.
GERROLD
Mind if I sit here?
REBECCA
(staring straight
ahead)
Yes.
GERROLD
Whoa, that was cold! Hey, you're
okay, you're pretty sharp. So uh...
hey, you're wearing a green dress -
whadda you Irish? I bet you're Irish.
What's your name?
REBECCA
Melorra...
GERROLD
Melorra, listen to me - let me tell
you something Melorra... you seem
like an interesting chick - what are
you doing hanging out with these
losers here? Whaddya say you and me
take off and hit some nightspots
etc. etc.
ENID
I'll be right back, I'm gonna go get
a beer.
REBECCA
(to ENID)
Wait...
Enid goes over to the beer keg. Nearby Seymour stands talking
to PAUL - a humorless, middle-aged guy in a suit and tie
who's contemptuously examining one of Seymour's 78s.
SEYMOUR
...but it plays like new. There's no
groove wear.
PAUL
Oh please... It has an enlarged center
hole and a hair crack.
Enid approaches them.
SEYMOUR
But the crack is so tight it's
completely inaudible.
PAUL
A tight hair crack is just that - a
crack. I don't collect cracked
records.
(walking away)
I only pay a premium for mint records
Seymour, you know that! Please!
ENID
What was all that stuff about enlarged
holes and tight cracks?
SEYMOUR
I... I didn't think you would have
any interest in this get together...
I mean if you had told me you were
coming I would have warned you --
it's not like a real party or
anything.
ENID
You're right about that.
(pause)
So this is your record collection?
SEYMOUR
Oh God no. This is just junk I have
for sale or trade. The record room
is off-limits.
ENID
Really? Can I see it?
SEYMOUR
Yeah, well sure... you can if you
want to... it's just I don't want
all these guys in there at once...
you know...
INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - EVENING
Enid & Seymour enter his inner sanctum, beverage containers
in hand -- nicely-displayed old collectibles cover just about
every inch of wall space.
ENID
Wow! This is like my dream room!
Are these all records!
SEYMOUR
I have about fifteen hundred 78s at
this point. I've tried to pare down
my collection to the essential...
ENID
God, look at this poster! I can't
believe this room! You're the luckiest
guy in the world! I'd kill to have
stuff like this!
SEYMOUR
Please... go ahead and kill me!
This stuff doesn't make you happy,
believe me.
ENID
Oh, come on! What are you talking
about?
SEYMOUR
You think it's healthy to obsessively
collect things? You can't connect
with other people so you fill your
life with stuff... I'm just like
all the rest of these pathetic
collector losers.
Enid writes her name in the dust.
ENID
No you're not! You're a cool guy,
Seymour.
SEYMOUR
Yeah right... If I'm so cool, why
haven't I had a girlfriend in four
years? I can't even remember the
last time a girl talked to me.
ENID
I'm talking to you... I'll bet there
are tons of women who would go out
with you in a minute!
SEYMOUR
Oh, right...
ENID
No really... I guarantee I could get
you a date in like two seconds...
SEYMOUR
Good luck...
ENID
I'm totally serious!
SEYMOUR
Yeah, well...
ENID
I mean it -- You leave everything to
me -- I'm going to be your own
personal dating service!
SEYMOUR
I appreciate the offer but you really
don't --
ENID
Mark my words, by the end of this
summer you'll be up to your neck in
pussy!
SEYMOUR
Jesus! That's very nice of you Enid
but I - I really --
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
As Enid and Seymour walk. A 20-ish secretary-type passes.
ENID
What about her? Would you go out
with her?
SEYMOUR
I don't know, what kind of question
is that? I mean it's totally
irrelevant because a girl like that
would never be caught dead with me...
ENID
But putting that aside for now, would
you go out with her?
SEYMOUR
I really didn't get a good look at
her.
A breasty, overweight 40-year-old walks by.
ENID
Okay, what about this one? Are you
into girls with big tits?
SEYMOUR
(embarrassed)
Jesus!
ENID
C'mon Seymour, I'm trying to collect
data here! Don't you want me to find
you your perfect dream girl?
SEYMOUR
I'm just not one of those guys who
has a "type"...
ENID
Every guy has a type!
SEYMOUR
(he doesn't really
mean this)
I mean as long as she's not a complete
imbecile and she's even remotely
attractive...
They walk by "the pants."
ENID
Hey look, there's Norman!
He's sitting as before at the defunct bus stop.
ENID
Hi Norman.
Norman nods politely. Seymour looks quizzically at Enid.
EXT. CITY STREET/NEAR SIDEWINDER - DAY
They're in another part of town near THE SIDEWINDER.
ENID
We need to narrow this down somehow...
we need to find a place where you
can meet women who share your
interests.
SEYMOUR
Maybe I don't want to meet someone
who shares my interests. I hate my
interests! Where can I go to meet
the exact opposite of myself?
ENID
Yeah yeah yeah... Just tell me your
five main interests, in order of
importance.
SEYMOUR
(sighs)
Well, let's see... I guess I'd have
to put Traditional Jazz, Blues, and
Ragtime music at the top of the list,
then probably...
ENID
Let's just say "music" - that way
you only use up one...
(spots The Sidewinder)
Wait, we have to go in here for a
second...
INT. SIDEWINDER - DAY
They enter. Josh has his back to the counter as he makes a
complicated frozen yogurt sundae for a little girl.
ENID
Hi Josh.
JOSH
(without turning around)
Hi.
ENID
I just stopped in to say hi.
JOSH
Yeah, well... hi...
He turns around non-chalantly, holding the sundae. He looks
up and sees Enid with the guy from Wowsville (Seymour).
ENID
This is my friend Seymour.
Josh is startled and drops the sundae. The girl starts crying.
Josh immediately starts to clean up the mess. Enid, satisfied,
heads with Seymour for the door.
ENID
See you later, Josh!
As the door closes, we hear a familiar voice.
BOSS
JOSH! WHAT YOU DOING!?
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Enid & Seymour continue walking.
SEYMOUR
(pause)
So is that your boyfriend?
ENID
Josh? He's nobody's boyfriend...
He's just this guy that Becky and I
like to torture.
SEYMOUR
Well are --
ENID
(interrupts suddenly)
Oh my god! We have to go in here!
They are in front of STAN'S, a porno shop.
SEYMOUR
Yeah, sure... very funny....
ENID
Please, Seymour... Becky and I have
been dying to go in here but we can't
get any boys to take us... Please?
SEYMOUR
I - I'd really rather not...
ENID
We'll just go in for one minute --
it'll be a riot!
SEYMOUR
I don't think so...
ENID
PLEASE? We have to!
SEYMOUR
I really don't think it's a good
idea.
ENID
Fine, I'll go by myself then...
INT. ANTHONY'S II - DAY
Enid & Seymour enter. There are a half dozen MEN browsing
through the videos and magazines.
ENID
(whispering)
Wow! Look at all these creeps!
SEYMOUR
Shh!
ENID
OH MY GOD!
Enid runs over and grabs a BLOW-UP SEX DOLL. Everyone in the
store looks at them. Seymour blushes and sweats.
ENID
What kind of weirdo would actually
have sex with this? We have to buy
this!
She looks around, over-stimulated.
ENID
God, this place is a total riot!
She picks up a magazine.
ENID
Look at this -- "Lollipop Lolitas" -
isn't child pornography totally
illegal?
SEYMOUR
These are older women just dressed
up to look young... I think.
ANGLE ON a pair of THIGH-HIGH LEATHER FETISH BOOTS.
ENID (V.O.)
Oh my god!
WIDER ANGLE: She's in another part of the store near the
CASHIER.
ENID
How much are these boots? Do you
have these in size five?
CASHIER
That's the only pair of those I have
right now. I'm getting a new order
in next week...
She spots something and gasps. She yells across the store.
ENID
OH MY GOD SEYMOUR! You have to lend
me the money to buy this.
Everyone looks at Seymour as he sheepishly approaches. He
takes out his wallet.
SEYMOUR
Uh, I don't have much money with me
right now.
ENID
C'mon, Seymour, please?
CASHIER
Why don't you come back in two weeks -
we'll be having our annual Back-to-
School sale.
INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - LATE AFTERNOON
Rebecca is at the counter serving a long line of YUPPIES. We
can see a sign next to the counter that reads: "Answer today's
trivia question and get a free small coffee".
YUPPIE #1
I'd like a medium latte for here.
REBECCA
Can I get you a biscotti to go with
that?
YUPPIE #1
NO! Just the latte.
Enid is next wearing a RUBBER BONDAGE MASK with devil horns.
ENID (V.O.)
Give me all your money, bitch!
REBECCA
Where did you get that?
ENID
You won't believe it! Guess!
REBECCA
Where?
ENID
Anthony's II!
REBECCA
No way... when?
ENID
Just now... I went with Seymour.
REBECCA
You cunt!
FELDMAN is in line behind Enid. He's a poodle-haired, fedora
wearing eccentric in a motorized wheelchair-golf cart
contraption.
FELDMAN
Excuse me - I can't read the trivia
question!
Enid is in the way. She reads it to him.
ENID
"Where on the human body is the
'Douglas Pouch' located?"
Feldman grunts and starts to tap away on his powerbook while
Rebecca, rolling her eyes, goes to get his coffee. A DIGITAL
GRAPHIC of the FEMALE FORM on his computer screen. With a
few keyboard strokes he zeroes in on a schematic of the
REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. An area behind the cervix BLINKS.
FELDMAN
Slightly below the uterus on a female.
He takes his coffee and putters towards the door.
ENID
That guy is totally amazing.
REBECCA
He does that every single day.
YUPPIE #2
Can I get a decaf mocha to go?
REBECCA
Can I get you a...
YUPPIE #2
NO, I don't want a biscotti with
that.
YUPPIE #2 pays and leaves.
ENID
God, how can you stand all these
assholes?
REBECCA
I don't know... Some people are okay,
but mostly I feel like poisoning
everybody.
ENID
At least the wheelchair guy is sort
of entertaining...
REBECCA
He's a total asshole... He doesn't
even need that wheelchair, he's just
totally lazy!
ENID
That rules!
REBECCA
No, it doesn't. You'll see... you
get totally sick of all the creeps
and losers and weirdos.
ENID
But those are our people...
REBECCA
Yeah, well...
(pause)
So when are you going to get your
job?
ENID
I'm working on it... I've got a few
leads... it's just that right now I
have, all these projects that take
up all my time.
REBECCA
Like what?
ENID
Nothing. Don't worry... I promise
I'll get a job next week.
REBECCA
(pause)
God, I can't believe you went to
Anthony's without me.
INT. ENID'S APARTMENT - DAY
Enid and her dad are eating breakfast. A 13" TV sits on the
kitchen counter behind them.
TV COMMERCIAL (V.O.)
(sincere)
Hope comes in all forms. To the
endangered white stork searching for
wetlands it comes in the form of a
sanctuary provided by people who
care. Do people care? Chevron does.
That's why at Chevron we're just as
concerned...
DAD
Are you still looking for a job? Do
you have any leads?
ENID
Will you get off my back for once?
DAD
It's tough to find a good job without
any kind of training.
ENID
Look, I told you I'm not going to
college.
DAD
Well, I think it's good to keep all
your options open. You can always
enroll for the winter quarter. You
could even live here and go to the
city college part time, and still
get a job if you wanted to.
ENID
Look at me -- I'm not even listening
to a word you're saying.
Pause.
DAD
Did I tell you who I ran into at the
bagel place?
ENID
(reading cereal box)
Who?
DAD
Guess.
ENID
How should I know?
DAD
Someone from the past.
ENID
Who?
DAD
Give up?
ENID
YES.
DAD
Maxine.
ENID
Not the Maxine?
DAD
Yup.
ENID
God, how horrifying.
INT. COLLEGE COFFEE HOUSE DAY
Enid and Rebecca sit in a semi-crowded college hang-out.
REBECCA
...you don't have to make a million
dollars -- just get any stupid job
so we can at least start looking for
an apartment.
ENID
(thoughtful pause)
I wonder if I hang around with you
because you're like my surrogate
mother figure or something. Like I
have this subconscious biological
need to be nagged and bitched at
constantly.
REBECCA
You hang out with me because nobody
else can stand to be around you.
ENID
Or maybe... did you ever think that
deep down we really might be lesbos?
Maybe that's why we spend so much
time together.
REBECCA
You're gross.
(pause)
See that guy?
ENID
Which one?
REBECCA
He gives me a total boner!
ENID
He's like the biggest idiot of all
time!
The guy, a COLLEGE SOPHOMORE, walks by them with two friends.
COLLEGE SOPHOMORE
Are you guys up for some reggae
tonight?
REBECCA
Okay, you're right.
ENID
(whispers)
Heads up.
An earnest "ALTERNATIVE-ROCK" GUY approaches Rebecca. He
hands her a flyer.
GUY
Hey, my band is playing here on Friday
night and uh... there's gonna be a
bunch of cool bands playing and stuff
and you don't have to pay if you
show this flyer at the door... you
should come check it out.
REBECCA
(shyly)
Thanks...
(she looks away)
Enid takes the flyer from Rebecca. There are a bunch of
bands listed.
ENID
Which one is your band?
GUY
Alien Autopsy.
ENID
(sarcastic)
Bitchin'.
GUY
(embarrassing pause;
then, to Rebecca)
Yeah, well... maybe I'll see you
there...
(pause; walks away)
ENID
What a dork!
REBECCA
You're just jealous.
ENID
Yeah, right... Believe me, at this
point I'm over the fact that every
single guy likes you better than me!
REBECCA
Face it, you hate every single boy
on the face of the earth!
ENID
That's not true, I just hate all
these obnoxious, extroverted, pseudo-
bohemian losers!
(sad pause)
Sometimes I think I act so weird
because I'm crazy from sexual
frustration.
REBECCA
Haven't you heard about the miracle
of masturbation?
ENID
(sighs)
...maybe we should be lesbos...
REBECCA
Get away from me!
INT. ENID'S FANTASY - EVENING
Starts on full moon in night sky, framed right --
DISSOLVE TO:
...a dark moonlit room. Enid lies on her stomach in bed. We
MOVE IN CLOSER to her head as though entering her thoughts,
which slowly fade in: WE MOVE TOWARD a vertical sliver of
light -- a cracked-open bathroom door.
WE MOVE into the bathroom and see Enid taking a shower. Josh
enters, dressed in a black suit, holding a large bouquet of
flowers. CUT. We start again, exactly as before, only without
the flowers. He starts to take off his clothes. CUT. He enters
again and gets right in the shower, fully clothed.
They begin to kiss. After a passionate moment, the door opens.
Rebecca stands there, stunned.
CUT BACK TO:
We see only the slightest trace of Enid in the darkness. She
sighs.
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
CLOSE-UP ON a charcoal portrait of DON KNOTTS.
ROBERTA
Who is this, Enid?
ENID
It's supposed to be Don Knotts.
ROBERTA
And what was your reason for choosing
him as your subject?
ENID
I dunno... I just like Don Knotts.
ROBERTA
I see... interesting...
She moves on.
ROBERTA
What do we have here, Margaret?
MARGARET
It's a tampon in a teacup...
Class GIGGLES.
ROBERTA
I can see that... now what can you
tell us about it? First of all, what
kind of sculpture is this?
MARGARET
It's a "found object"... that's when
an artist takes an ordinary object
and places it in an artistic context
and thus it becomes art.
ROBERTA
Very good. Now, what can you tell us
about it in regard to your artistic
intent?
MARGARET
I guess I see the teacup as a symbol
for womanhood, because of tea parties
in the olden days, but instead of
tea I was trying to kind of confront
people with this... like...
ROBERTA
This shocking image of repressed
femininity!
MARGARET
Right, exactly!
ROBERTA
I think it's really a wonderful piece,
Margaret!
Enid gives Margaret another dirty look.
ROBERTA
This illustrates perfectly what I
was saying about not being afraid to
use controversial imagery, class...
EXT. SEYMOUR'S CAR - DUSK
Seymour drives. Enid plays with the radio stopping on an
obnoxious AM Disc Jockey.
DISC JOCKEY
KFTO comin' atchya on this beautiful
evening.
SEYMOUR
God, that asshole's voice is so
hateful! No wonder I never listen to
the radio!
ENID
(shutting it off)
Relax, Seymour, relax...
SEYMOUR
That thing is just so shrill and
piercing and loud - it's like someone
jabbing me in the face!
(imitating insincere
DJ voice)
KFTO comin' atchya on this beautiful
evening...
She changes the subject and holds up a 78 record.
ENID
So, why did you bring this along?
SEYMOUR
I brought it for him to autograph.
He's going to be amazed to see it -
it's one of two known copies... I
can't believe they have him for the
opening act and not the headliner.
What an insult!
ENID
This bar's going to be packed with
girls for you to pick from.
SEYMOUR
I'm not holding my breath in that
department.
Seymour waits at a stop sign for two OBLIVIOUS OVERWEIGHT
WOMEN, each with TODDLERS and baby carriages, to cross..
SEYMOUR
What are we, in slow motion here?!
What are ya, hypnotized? Have some
more kids, why don't you?... For
Christ's sake, would you move!?
ENID
Jesus, Seymour.
EXT. BLUES CLUB - NIGHT
A marquee reads, "TONITE: BLUESHAMMER also FRED CHATMAN"
INT. BLUES CLUB - NIGHT
FRED CHATMAN, age 82, plays an acoustic blues number. He's
good, but he's being politely ignored for the most part by
the TWENTY-SOMETHING PATRONS. Most of them are more interested
in a baseball game showing on a big-screen TV.
SEYMOUR
I can't believe these people! They
could at least turn off their stupid
sports game until he's done playing!
FRED finishes to POLITE