NEVER BEEN KISSED
Revised draft by Jenny Bicks
Based on the Original Screenplay by
Abby Kohn & Marc Siliverstein
Shooting Script
Revision Draft
6/26/98
FADE IN:
CLOSE UP ON A GIRL'S FACE
It's Josie Geller, 25, cute, blonde and scared out of her
wits. We hear the chanting of a crowd.
CROWD
Josie! Josie! Josie!
JOSIE (V.O.)
You know in some movies how they
have a dream sequence only they
don't tell you it's a dream?
PULL OUT to reveal Josie on pitcher's mound of a--
EXT. A BASEBALL STADIUM -- NIGHT
It's packed. Reporters line the field. All eyes are on
Josie.
JOSIE (V.O.)
This is so not a dream.
The stadium clock sets at 5:00. The crowd goes crazy. Josie
takes a deep, nervous breath and smiles, "Oh God."
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE -- CONTINUOUS
Multiple images of Josie play across rows of TV sets. A
crowd has gathered.
JOSIE (V.O.)
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I was just trying to do my job.
And then things happened. Well,
life happened. And now I'm here.
EXT. BASEBALL STADIUM -- CONTINUOUS
The clock starts to tick down. The crowd yells again.
JOSIE (V.O.)
Trust me. I am not the kind of
girl who does things like this. I
mean, two months ago you couldn't
have picked me out of a crowd...
INT. CHICAGO SUN TIMES BULLPEN -- DAY
Packed with office workers. Bustling with activity. The
CAMERA searches the CROWD.
JOSIE (V.O.)
Told you. I'm over there.
The CAMERA SWINGS to Josie entering. Rhoda, a young copy
assistant, tails her, pen and paper in hand.
RHODA
Theater--
JOSIE
Standard American calls for "er".
Standard British is "re". So go
for "er", unless you're a pompous
American, then go for British.
Josie keeps negotiating the maze, leaving Rhoda in her
wake.
RHODA
No. Theater. Last night. We were
supposed to go, remember?
Josie stops at a desk where Merkin Burns, officious office
assistant, is talking on the phone. He picks his nose with
abandon as he talks, ignoring Josie.
MERKIN
(into phone)
No way. No way. No way. Ech, hold
on.
(to Josie)
What.
JOSIE
Messages?
Merkin removes his finger from his nose and uses it to
pick up a pink message. He holds it out to Josie. Disgusted,
she takes it by one corner.
MERKIN
(into phone)
Seriously? No way. No way--
Josie's still standing there.
MERKIN
What?
JOSIE
Merkin, do you think we could get
some more yellow highlighters? I
checked the box and we're--
Merkin swivels his chair 180 degrees so his back is to
Josie and continues with his phone call.
MERKIN
(back into phone)
Okay, I'm back, so--
Josie sighs, walks to her door. It's marked with a lopsided
nameplate: Josie Geller, Copy Editor. She adjusts the plate
so it's perfectly straight.
INT. JOSIE'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
Josie enters, reads the messsage still gingerly held in
two fingers, and drops it into the trash can. She hangs
her coat squarely on the back of her door, takes five
pencils from her pencil pot, one by one sharpens them in
her pencil sharpener, and then lays them out neatly in a
row. She smiles, satisfied, ready for another day.
Anita Brandt, late 20's, pretty in a semi-unprofessional
way, bursts in, smiling.
ANITA
Guess who I did it with last
night...
JOSIE
(duh)
Roger in Op/Ed.
ANITA
Who told!
JOSIE
You did. Yesterday you said, and I
quote, "I have a date with Roger
from Op/Ed tonight and I'm going
to do it with him."
ANITA
Well, that doesn't mean it was
going to happen for sure.
Josie just stares at her.
ANITA
Once it didn't happen for sure.
Gus Strauss, late 30's, would probably clean up well,
enters. He tosses some copy onto Josie's desk.
GUS
Computer's down. Septuplets story.
I need it back by five. Hopefully
the copy's not a mess.
JOSIE
(emphasizing)
It is hoped that it's not a mess.
"Hopefully" is an adverb. It means
"with hope". You have it defining
the copy, and I'm pretty sure the
copy doesn't have feelings.
Gus and Anita just stare at Josie.
JOSIE
Well, excuse me for caring about
words.
GUS
(to Anita)
So. You and Roger in Op/Ed.
ANITA
Oh, man! Who told?
GUS
Roger in Op/Ed. Don't make me send
you another memo about my policy
on inter-office dating.
JOSIE
Intra office. And they're not
dating. They're having sex.
ANITA
And what is your policy? That if
you're not getting any, no one
can?
Anita flounces off.
GUS
How many times have I fired her?
JOSIE
Five-- Six--
GUS
(shrugging, giving
up)
Eh.
Gus turns to exit.
JOSIE
Hey Gus--did you see the story
idea I left on your desk?
GUS
Yeah--the blind foster home mother.
It was good. I got Cahoon on it.
JOSIE
(disappointed)
Oh. Cahoon. Yeah, he's--good.
GUS
Geller, we've been over this. You're
a great copy editor. Maybe my best
copy editor. You're not a reporter.
JOSIE
You've done five of my ideas.
GUS
You know what separates us office
flunkies from the reporters?
JOSIE
They don't have to be in the office
Christmas show?
GUS
A flack jacket.
JOSIE
(not getting it)
A--flack jacket.
GUS
Every Tom, Dick, and Harry thinks
he can write. But a journalist
gets in there, right where the
bombs are. He's aggressive. Grabs
the bull by the balls.
JOSIE
You don't think I can grab bulls'
balls?
GUS
Geller, you don't want a reporter's
life. They're very--messy. You're
all about order. Control. And
getting me my copy by five.
JOSIE
Hey--I can be out of control.
Gus smiles. On his way out he re-adjusts Josie's nameplate
so it hangs at an angle. Tormented, Josie waits a beat.
She can't take it, and runs to the door and straightens
it.
GUS
(over his shoulder)
Copy by five.
INT. SUN TIMES LUNCHROOM -- DAY
Actually, a pretty depressing kitchenette area. Anita and
Josie eat lunch--Anita eats Chinese out of a container,
Josie has three baggies of perfectly cut food in front of
her.
JOSIE
Be honest. Do you think I'm
aggressive?
Anita ponders a moment.
ANITA
Okay. Remember when they took your
office chair in for repairs and
forgot to return it?
JOSIE
Yeah.
ANITA
You stood for like a month.
Cynthia, an affable African-American woman in her 40's,
enters and puts three microwave meals in the microwave.
JOSIE
Just because I'm not out of control
doesn't mean I can't write.
CYNTHIA
Josie, you listen to me. If you
feel you're a writer--
(touching her chest)
Here, deep inside, don't let anyone
tell you you're not. Look at me.
Every day I come to this paper and
I pour my heart and soul into what
I do. I feel it, passionately, to
the core of my being.
JOSIE
You write obituaries.
CYNTHIA
Hey, if you can make a busted aorta
sound good--honey, that's art.
The microwave dings off. Cynthia fishes the three Lean
Cuisines out. Anita and Josie share a look.
ANITA
Cynthia, aren't they only diatetic
if you eat them one at a time?
CYNTHIA
I eat 'em one at a time.
ANITA
(to Josie)
Y'know, maybe Gus has a point. It
wouldn't kill you to relax and
have some fun. Roger's got a friend,
Marshall in editing? The one with
the lazy eye? Maybe we could double
date.
JOSIE
Forget it.
ANITA
I swear to God, Jos. When is the
last time you went on a real live
date?
JOSIE
I'm concentrating on my career
right now.
ANITA
Do you own any colored underwear?
Stripes? Anything?!
JOSIE
(embarrassed)
Anita!
ANITA
Look. You're way under 30, you're
cute, some guys find white Carter's
underwear sexy—
(beat)
If you talk to his nose, you don't
even notice the eye.
Josie laughs in spite of herself.
JOSIE
The right guy is out there. I'm
just not going to kiss a whole
bunch of losers to get to him.
ANITA
Yeah, but sometimes kissing the
losers can be a fun diversion.
JOSIE
When I finally get kissed, I'll
know.
Anita and Cynthia trade looks.
ANITA
Okay. If you've never kissed a
guy, we got bigger problems than
the underwear.
JOSIE
I've kissed guys. I've just never
kissed a guy. Felt that thing--
CYNTHIA
"That thing"? Is that what you
kids are calling it these days?
JOSIE
That thing. That moment. You kiss
someone and it's like the world
around you gets all hazy and the
only thing in focus is you and
this other person and you know
that one person is the person you're
meant to be kissing for the rest
of your life. And for that one
moment you've been given this
amazing gift and you want to laugh
and cry at the same time because
you're so lucky you found it, and
so scared that it will all go away.
Anita and Cynthia take this in.
CYNTHIA
Damn, girl. You are a writer.
INT. TIKI POST -- DAY
Basically a Mailbox Etc. store, but dressed in a Tahitian
theme. Cardboard hula dancers hold Fedex envelopes.
ROB GELLER, 23, good-looking, wears a smock with "Tiki
Post" emblazoned across it over a Hawaiian shirt. He stands
watch at the cash register.
MONTY MAYLIK, 50, proud owner, rearranges a display. The
place is empty.
ROB
Hey Monty--you think we'll get any
business today?
MONTY
(of course)
I'm handing out a free lei to every
customer! What do you think?
ROB
I think maybe people are scared
off by the tiki torches.
MONTY
Change is scary. Robbie, let me
tell you a little something about
the mail business. I've been in it
over thirty years. And in those
thirty years, the only thing that's
changed is the Elvis stamp and
some gun laws. People are bored!
They wanna shake things up!
ROB
I thought people just wanted their
mail delivered on time.
Josie walks into the store, triggering Hawaiian music.
Monty puts a lei over her head.
MONTY
Aloha! Welcome!
ROB
Relax, Monty. It's just my sister.
Monty takes the lei off her neck. Josie hands Rob an
envelope. Rob rifles through the cash inside.
ROB
Thanks, Jos. I'll pay you back.
Bambi thanks you, too.
Rob indicates a beat-up wreck of a yellow car parked
outside.
JOSIE
That is so--weird that you name
your car.
ROB
No it's not. Guys name their
penises.
JOSIE
Okaaaay....
(then)
That car's going to bankrupt you.
ROB
She just needs a new windshield
wiper.
JOSIE
Because I bought the windshield
last week. I'm a hubcap away from
owning more of Bambi than you do.
Rob hands the money back.
ROB
Y'know what? Take it. I don't want
it.
Josie hands it back.
JOSIE
Rob, take the money, okay? It's no
big deal.
ROB
No, it is. It's just one more thing
to add to your "things that make
you a better person than me" list.
JOSIE
Better person than I.
ROB
See!
JOSIE
I know this woman. She works in
admissions at Lakeshore Community?
She might be able to get you in
for the Fall semester. Maybe she
could get you the baseball
scholarship, and I could help and--
ROB
I'm not going to college, Jos. And
I'm not playing anymore baseball.
This is my life.
JOSIE
(whispering)
This--this is a luau that sells
packing material!
ROB
Someday this luau is going to be
all mine!
JOSIE
How can you just give up like that?
You had a real shot at playing
college ball and you let one case
of mono stop everything. Don't you
want more? To move out of Mom and
Dad's? Pay your own bills?
ROB
Oh yay! And then I could be as
happy as you!
JOSIE
For your information, I am very
happy. Deliriously happy. I lead a
very happy life!
She exits. The music starts up again.
MONTY
Come again!
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT
We PAN AROUND the neatest and quietest walk-up you've ever
seen. Lots of books on shelves.
We find Josie sitting at her small table putting the
finishing touches on a needlepoint pillow. She turns it
over and WE SEE it says: "LOVE". She holds up the final
product to a terrarium, lookup up at her two turtles.
JOSIE
There. What d'you think, guys?
Where should it go?
Josie looks around the living room.
JOSIE
Hmm.
(She pretends to
listen to the
turtles.)
What's that? Bedroom? Great idea!
She walks into the bedroom with the pillow.
INT. JOSIE'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
A perfectly arranged Laura Ashley bedroom. We PAN OVER TO
the bed. It is completely covered in needlepoint pillows.
Josie places the latest one on top of the others and smiles.
JOSIE
Perfect.
INT. A CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME
It's packed with the NEWSPAPER STAFF. HYRAM RIGFORT, 65,
white-haired, dignified owner of the paper presides. Anita
and Josie sit next to each other. Next to Anita sits Roger
from Op/Ed, a good-looking guy in his 30's.
RIGFORT
Let me start out by saying that I
was very impressed by the
investigative piece Dutton did on
pesticides in our supermarkets.
An older man, Dutton, smiles proudly.
RIGFORT
But since the Trib did a better
piece on the same subject, you're
fired.
Dutton's face falls. Everyone looks horrified.
RIGFORT
You heard me. Out. Out.
Dutton shuffles out. Josie takes a big bite of donut.
RIGFORT
So. Happy March everybody!
ALL
(by rote)
Happy March Mr. Rigfort.
RIGFORT
To celebrate, I've decided it's
time for another undercover feature!
Everyone looks underwhelmed.
RIGFORT
You all know that some of my best
inspiration comes from personal
experience. Who knew that my botched
foray into hair plugs would lead
to last month's award-winning expose --
"hair today, gone tomorrow"? Hat's
off to you, Bruns.
We PAN OVER to BRUNS, a reporter whose hair is missing in
odd-looking clumps. He nods sadly.
RIGFORT
Or should I say "hat's on"! And
what about when my wife had that
affair with Gil, her ski instructor
and Howard went undercover as an
expert slalom skier.
Howard smiled wanly. Both his arms are in casts. CAMERA
PANS the room as Rigfort continues, picking out different
reporters.
RIGFORT
So last night I'm sitting around
the dinner table with my family.
The wife, the two nannies, the
boys, and we're eating chicken
with this peanut sauce.
CAMERA STOPS at a Chef Boyardee look-alike.
GUS
Undercover chef. I like it.
RIGFORT
Hang on, Gus. So, we're eating
this peanut sauce and suddenly the
younger kid starts choking.
CAMERA STOPS at a Nurse Ratchet look-alike.
ANITA
(sotto to Josie)
I'm smelling undercover ER nurse.
RIGFORT
Turns out he's allergic to peanuts.
And I think -- holy shit. I don't
even know my own kids. I mean, who
knows if they're even mine? And it
got me thinking. How much do we
know about kids today? What are
they thinking? How many of them
are allergic to peanuts? Boom. It
hit me -- "My Semester In High
School."
CAMERA STOPS at a bald guy, the jerks over one seat to
Josie.
RIGFORT
(to Josie)
You. What's your name?
JOSIE
Josie. Josie Geller.
RIGFORT
You enroll on Friday.
General crowd hubub. Josie's in shock.
JOSIE
Oh. But--I'm not a reporter yet...
RIGFORT
And none of these geezers could
pass for a day under 40. Have fun.
And Rigfort exits.
INT. JOSIE'S OFFICE - MINUTES LATER
Josie is so excited she can hardly speak to Anita.
JOSIE
It's finally happening, Anita! I'm
going to write!
Anita looks concerned.
JOSIE
My own undercover feature - "Written
by Josie Geller".
ANITA
Jos - Maybe you should turn it
down.
A beat. Josie's face falls.
JOSIE
You don't think I can do it.
ANITA
No - It's just a lot of pressure
for your first piece, that's all.
I mean, it's not a half-page
article, it's a major undercover
piece, Jos. Look what Rigfort did
to Dutton - and that guy's his
cousin!
Gus enters.
GUS
Don't worry, I'll straighten all
this out.
JOSIE
But I don't want it straightened
out.
GUS
Geller, this is way out of your
league.
Josie takes in Anita and Gus.
JOSIE
Okay, just so I'm clear here --
neither of you think I can do this.
ANITA
Jos, that's not what we're --
JOSIE
Anita, when you wanted to seduce
the guy in the mailroom and you
didn't think you could learn Spanish
fast enough, who quizzed you on
your verbs?
Anita looks down, chastened.
ANITA
Senorita Josie.
JOSIE
And Gus - when you picked up
knitting, who showed you how to
hold the needles?
GUS
(sotto)
YOU DID.
ANITA
(to Gus)
YOU KNIT?
JOSIE
So, this is my chance.
A beat.
GUS
I'm not holding your job for you,
Geller.
Josie jumps up and down and hugs Gus, who is clearly
uncomfortable.
GUS
Don't make me send you the memo on
hugging in the workplace.
Josie smiles. Gus exits.
ANITA
I do believe in you, Jos. Anything
you need, I'll help you out.
Josie sits, motions to the brown paper bag.
JOSIE
You can start by handing me that
bag.
Anita does. Josie sticks it over her face, flips her head
between her knees and starts hyperventilating again.
CLOSE UP on Rob, wearing his Tiki Post outfit. He shakes
his head.
ROB
No. Uh, uh.
PULL OUT TO REVEAL HIM STANDING WITH JOSIE ON THE SIDEWALK
IN FRONT OF -
EXT. TIKI POST - DAY
Josie's shiny Buick is parked right behind Bambi at the
curb.
JOSIE
It's just for a couple of months.
ROB
You can't just "borrow" my car for
a couple of months! That's like
ten years in Bambi life!
JOSIE
I'll give you my Buick Le Sabre.
Rob rolls his eyes and enters the store.
JOSIE
You can name it whatever you want.
INT. TIKI POST - CONTINUOUS
Josie follows Rob into the store. He turns.
ROB
Wow. This must be big.
JOSIE
I got an assignment from the paper.
I'm going undercover. Back to high
school.
Rob starts laughing uncontrollably.
JOSIE
What!?
ROB
Do you remember high school?
JOSIE
It was a long time ago -
ROB
Don't you remember what they called
you?
Slowly Josie's face falls. She looks very far away.
ROB
Josie -
INT. A HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY (FLASHBACK)
It's packed with kids. Everyone stares off-screen at chants -
ALL
Josie Grossie. Josie Grossie. Josie
Grossie.
INT. TIKI POST - SAME
Josie looks stricken.
JOSIE
Josie Grossie.
ROB
I know. I came up with it.
(beat)
You look nauseous.
JOSIE
Nauseated. I look nauseated. Oh
God.
She puts her hand over her mouth, races for the bathroom.
INT. TIKI POST BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER
Josie has just gotten violently ill. She rises off her
knees, grabs some toilet paper to wipe her mouth. She looks
down at her feet.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CORRIDOR - DAY (FLASHBACK)
We CLOSE UP on brown leather oxfords and widen to reveal
teenage JOSIE
braces, heavy glasses, in all her nerdom, slowly walking
down the corridor with a huge backpack on her back.
A boy sneaks up behind her, holds open the top of her
backpack while another boy pours a half drunk Sprite into
her backback.
Kids smile and snicker as Josie continues down the hallway.
She spots, BILLY PRINCE, ultmate high school heartthrob,
and approaches him nervously.
JOSIE
Hey, Billy Prince, I noticed you
weren't in math today, and I have
the notes in case you want -
Midway through Josie's speech, WE HEAR the odd sound of
liquid hitting linoleum. Josie follow Billy's gaze down to
between her feet where a pool of Sprite has gathered. Billy
starts to laugh. Kids around him join in. As the laughter
echoes around her we
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
INT. TIKI POST BATHROOM - SAME (PRESENT DAY)
Josie stares into the mirror. Staring back is teenage Josie.
JOSIE
This is a very bad idea.
INT. THE MALL - TEEN CLOTHING STORE - DAY
Anita and Josie cruise through a teen clothing store,
carrying large bags from a stationery store. Josie picks
up a platform sneaker and just stares at it.
ANITA
So, you were a geek. Big deal.
JOSIE
Anita, remember espadrilles?
ANITA
Please. That doesn't make you a
nerd. Everyone wore those shoes.
JOSIE
The girls threw them at me in the
locker room.
ANITA
Okay. That's bad.
JOSIE
At the end of the yeat the person
who got the most direct his to my
head got to toss me into the pool.
ANITA
Mama mia.
(then)
Just because you were a nerd once
doesn't mean it's going to happen
again. That's why you have me for
fashion consultation.
Anita pulls a slip skirt off a rack and holds it up.
ANITA
Now this is cute.
JOSIE
That is lingerie.
ANITA
So I was thinking about what you
were saying - y'know, about really
being kissed? I think Roger could
be the one.
JOSIE
What'd you feel when you kissed
him?
ANITA
Bridgework?
JOSIE
Very romantic.
Josie pulls out a plain button-down cardigan.
JOSIE
How about this?
ANITA
I am not letting you out of the
house in that, young lady.
Anita grabs an awful white maribou jacket and matching
earrings and holds them up.
ANITA
Cuuuute!
JOSIE
'Nita, this is about reporting,
not accessorizing.
ANITA
And we're going to have to do
something about your hair.
JOSIE
Anita!
ANITA
Jos, please try and have some fun
here, okay? How many of us get to
go back to high school? You're
gonna have a blast!
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE UP - AN ALARM CLOCK
on a bedside table. Surrounded by make-up, boxes of hair
color, a stack of index cards, ripped magazine pages of
teen looks, issues of Teen Beat and YM. The clock slips to
7:00. NPR starts playing. A hand reaches over, hits the
radio off.
SOUND EFFECTS: A school bell. As the bell continues to
ring, we WIDEN TO:
INT. JOSIE'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Josie sits up in bed, covers pulled up to her chin in
terror.
EXT. A CHICAGO STREET - MORNING
MUSIC UP: "Morning Train". Crowds of commuters stream down
the sidewalk and onto the stairs leading up to the El.
A big yellow car jerks into frame, backfires noisily. It's
Josie at the wheel of Bambi. She jerks out of frame.
EXT. SOUTH GLEN SOUTH HIGH SCHOOOL - MORNING
A suburban campus anchored by a main building. Cars pull
into the parking lot for the beginning of the day. Kids
greet each other, converge on the front doors of the school.
General mayhem.
Bambi pulls in. She jerks into a spot, backfiring once
more for effect. The entire scene stops. Kids freeze, look
at Josie. A beat, and they they continue on their way.
INT. BAMBI - CONTINUOUS
Josie takes a few deep breaths.
JOSIE
Okay, I can do this. Piece of cake.
I can do this.
EXT. PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Josie steps out of the car wearing the maribou jacket,
earrings, and white jeans. She shuts the door behing her,
starts walking. She has unknowingly shut her jacket in the
door and as she walks, a piece of maribou rips, trailing
behind her like a tail.
JOSIE
Yeah, okay. Feeling good...
INT. SCHOOL LOBBY - SAME
Josie merges with the throngs of kids and is literally
pushed into the lobby. She stares around, overwhelmed. "Go
Rams!" banners share space with signs that read: "63 DAYS
TIL PROM!" She inches her way along the wall until she is
stopped by a guard who grabs her arm.
GUARD
Hey--where are you going?
JOSIE
Oh, I'm a student. Most definitely
a student. In high school. Here. I
am going to class. With my fellow
students.
(greeting random
kids)
Hi. Hi there.
The guard stares at her a beat and then motions behind
them, to three huge metal detectors that the kids are
filtering through. Josie smiles, "whoops," walks back.
GUARD
(under his breath)
Freak.
INT. SCHOOL LOBBY - MINUTES LATER
Josie's stuff lays out on the post-detector table - cell
phone, laptop, mini tape recorder, electronic organizer,
pager, being scrutinized by the guard. Josie's sure she's
been found out. CAMERA WIDENS. Down from Josie, WE SEE
other kids' belongings spread out. They have the identical
high-tech equipment. The guard picks up Josie's nail file,
examines it -
GUARD
Weapon.
And throws it in the trash.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING
Josie stares at her class card and eyes the classrooms,
totally lost. She approaches a boy in a flannel shirt and
loose jeans.
JOSIE
Hi--um, I'm looking for Room 204,
Ms. Knox?
As soon as the boy starts to talk, we notice something in
his mouth - a tongue pierce. Josie does too. We ZOOM IN on
that shiny little metal ball. Josie is fixated. So fixated
that we stop hearing the boy's voice. All WE SEE is the
mouth - and that ball - moving. The mouth closes. He's
done. Josie's face is contorted in imagined pain.
JOSIE
Ow.
(catching herself)
I mean, wow. Wow. Great directions.
Clear. Concise.
And Josie takes off, totally embarrassed.
BOY
(under his breath)
Freak.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING
Josie walks up to Room 204. Opening the door, she's met by
a sea of faces.
MS. KNOX, mid-forties, distracted but bubbly, sits in the
front of the class.
MS. KNOX
Hi - hello. Wilkommen. Entre.
Josie walks in. Kids whisper and snicker.
JOSIE
Sorry I'm late.
MS. KNOX
Yes, well, I'm sorry I forgot to
take my hot flash medication this
morning. Josie, right? Please sit.
Mi casa es su casa.
Josie makes her way to the desk, trailing maribou. The
class titters. She sits in front of two girls, KIRSTEN and
KRISTEN, beautiful and intimidating.
KIRSTEN
That is so sad --
KRISTEN
I know, like five chickens had to
die just so she could look that
stupid.
MS. KNOX
Josie, in my classroom, tardiness
is unacceptable --
JOSIE
I'm really sorry --
Ms. Knox pulls a ridiculously huge sombrero out from under
her desk. The class laughs in recognition.
MS. KNOX
Not as sorry as I am.
Ms. Knox puts the sombrero on a less-than-thrilled Josie.
MS. KNOX
Ole! Ten minutes in this hat, you'll
never be late again. So, let's
hear something about you. Stand
up. Stand up.
Josie does. The sombrero drops over her eyes. She adjusts
it so she can read her notecards.
CLOSE UP on the notecard --it's filled with precise script
under a heading: MY PAST.
She scans it, then flips the cards face-down on the desk.
Confidently she begins --
JOSIE
My name is Josie. I'm a high school
student. I came from --
Just then the classroom door opens. WE SEE from Josie's
perspective a blinding light, Josie squints. From the light
emerges a shadowy vision of Billy Prince.
JOSIE
Billy?
Josie blinks, REVEAL not Billy, but a beautiful guy, Guy.
He stands very close to her.
JOSIE
(catching herself)
BALI.
(another beat)
I'm from Billy-Bali. It's a suburb
of Bali proper.
Guy pushes past her, tosses a wooden hall pass to Ms. Knox,
and moves to his seat.
MS. KNOX
Bali. Fascinating! What did your
family do there?
Josie looks around in panic, sees a student in a South
Glen South windbreaker with huge ram on the back.
JOSIE
We were--sheep--farmers. We raised
sheep. In Billy-Bali.
Josie realizes the trouble she's gotten herself into.
JOSIE
Oh my God.
(caught)
Oh my God--do I miss Billy-Bali.
(beat)
It had--a really great...aquarium.
She sits. Defeated.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER
Josie rushes down the hall, still toting her enormous bag.
A huge banner - SOUTH GLEN, OUR NATION'S BEST PROM - hangs
prominently. She talks covertly into a hand-held tape
recorder.
JOSIE
Note to self--Research Bali. Kill
Anita for picking out this outfit.
Find and destroy sombrero.
INT. CLASSROOM - SAME
Josie and her enormous bookbag enter. She takes a seat
toward the back of the room.
Kristen, Kirsten and GIBBY, another beauty, enter and head
to the back of the room.
Kirsten and Gibby stand over Josie, staring at her.
KIRSTEN
We sit here.
JOSIE
Oh. Sorry--I didn't know these
were assigned.
GIBBY
They're not.
Josie quickly gathers her things and moves one row forward,
next to two empty seats. TWO STONERS shuffle over to Josie.
STONER 1
Sorry. We sit here.
JOSIE
(indicating two
empty seats)
Couldn't you two--sit there?
STONER 2
Right. Except there are three of
us--
The Stoners eye each other, then the two seats. A look of
horror comes over Stoner 1.
STONER 1
Dude--we left Jed at the 7-11!
(beat)
Again!
Josie picks up her stuff, moves to the last empty seat in
the room-in the front row, surrounded by "" who all wear
orange Denominator sweatshirts.
Sitting next to Josie is ALDYS, a Denominator--intense,
wise, with a whole bunch of math medals on her sweatshirt.
She smiles at Josie.
Josie smiles back and looks up as MR. COULSON enters the
room. He's a ruggedly handsome twenty-something Yale grad.
He grabs a notebook out of his bag, goes around to sit on
the front of his desk, sipping coffee from a Styrofoam
cup.
SAM
Hi, everyone.
(Spots Josie)
I don t think we've met. I'm Sam
Coulson- although for some reason
the school has this thing about
not letting you guys call me Sam.
JOSIE
(shyly)
I'm Josie. Geller. I think the
school would probably be pretty
comfortable with you calling, me
that. Josie.
Sam smiles.
SAM
Josie since you're new--I love to
drink my coffee during class, and
since I allow myself to do this, I
allow everyone to bring beverages
to class as well.
(a beat)
welcome to Shakespeare's "As You
Like It."
(beat)
Okay. How many of you actually
read the assignment last night?
About five hands go up.
SAM
Not bad. Now how many of you spent
more than thirty minutes eating
salty snack foods?
Twenty hands. Sam laughs.
SAM
Man. If I could just get you guys
to read while you eat.
Sam opens his book. Aldys notices Josie has no book. She
moves next to her.
ALDYS
Here. We can share.
They share a smile.
SAM
'As You Like It" is an example of
a Shakespearean--
Sam turns to the blackboard and starts writing. We CU on
his butt, hardly discernable in his loose 501 jeans, all
the girls swoon.
SAM
Pastoral Comedy. Anyone know what
that means?
An enthusiastic, if slightly dim girl, SERA, waves her
hand.
SERA
Oh oh oh! That's what they do to
milk!
SAM
That's pasteurize, Sera. But close.
Same letter--
(tapping three
fingers on his arm
a la charades)
--three syllables--
SERA
Parakeet?!
ALDYS:
(sotto to Josie)
There's a minute of my life I'll
never get back.
Josie smiles at this.
SAM
Okay, anyone else---
Josie can't contain herself.
JOSIE
Pastoral means set in the country.
Originally seen in the Eclogues of
Virgil. It's from the Latin pascere.
To graze.
Student bleets like a sheep O.S. Sam just stares at her,
smiling. Finally, he walks over and shakes her hand.
SAM
Did I mention to the class that I
love our new student?
Josie beams.
GIBBY
Did I mention that the class also
loves our new kiss ass?
Josie's smile quickly fades.
SAM
Gibby, that's not exactly the kind
of participation I'm looking for.
Gibby looks right at Josie.
GIBBY
(totally insincere)
Ooops. Sorry.
Josie just sits there, face burning.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER
Josie approaches her locker. She can't get to it because a
COUPLE is busy making out against it.
A GIRL'S VOICE comes over the loudspeaker. She's completely
ignored.
GIRL'S VOICE
Hi. This is Sydney, Student Body
President! Okay, first. Bad news-
The' district didn't allocate enough
funds, so as of this afternoon,
there will be no music department.
Now, about Prom--
The entire hallway FREEZES. The couple breaks their clinch
and looks up. SILENCE. Josie is amazed.
SYDNEY’S VOICE
Voting on Prom theme has been
completed. And the theme is--
CU on expectant FACES.
SYDNEY’S VOICE
The Millennium!
PANDEMONIUM. Kids cheer, gasp. One GIRL faints.
The crowd surges again. Josie, caught in the flow, doesn't
notice a locker door flinging open. She smashes her face
right into it. Everyone, including Guy, turns and laughs.
Even some Denominators.
CUT TO:
CU: A CAFETERIA TRAY
Moves down the food line. It's piled with unidentifiable
foods and three glasses of fluorescent red punch. Hands
pull the tray out of the frame. INTO FRAME comes another
tray, this one bearing a perfectly arranged place setting
with three celery sticks on a plate. WIDEN TO REVEAL:
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Josie, pulling the perfect tray down the cafeteria line.
She reaches some awful-looking Cole slaw in a big vat. A
CAFETERIA GUY in a plastic cap hovers above it.
JOSIE
(to cafeteria guy)
Excuse me. What's in the Cole slaw?
The cafeteria guy hauls an industrial-size plastic tub
onto the, counter and turns it-so Josie can read the label:
"KOLE SLAW FOOD." Josie wrinkles her nose. She moves on
to the cash register.
CASHIER
That'll be twelve ninety-five.
JOSIE
(stunned)
Oh my gosh. Wow. That's... pricey.
CASHIER
That's real meat in the ham
sandwich.
Josie turns to a GIRL in line behind her.
JOSIE
Boy--that's a lot of bread for
that bread!
The Girl rolls her eyes, reaches past Josie to grab a
mustard bottle. Josie turns with her tray toward the room.
CUT TO:
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY (FLASHBACK)
4 KIDS stare at CAMERA and chant:
ALL
Josie Grossie--Josie Grossie--Josie
Grossie.
ANGLE BACK ON JOSIE. She's seventeen. Standing with her
tray, paralyzed. The CAMERA SPINS, showing us her back.
There, tattooed in squeeze-bottle mustard, is "GROSSIE."
A boy stands behind her victoriously holding the mustard
bottle.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. CAFETERIA - SAME (PRESENT DAY)
Josie shakes off the vision and stares out at the crowded
cafeteria. She sees Kirsten, Kristen and Gibby, steels
herself, and decides to approach.
Kirsten is eating a bran muffin.
KRISTEN
Kirsten, that bran muffin has like
75 fat grams.
KIRSTEN
Nah uh.
GIBBY
Yeah, I read this thing that one
bran muffin can be like two bran
muffins sometimes.
Kirsten pushes the muffin away.
KIRSTEN
God. Food is so confusing.
JOSIE
(to Kirsten)
Hi Kristen.
KIRSTEN
It's Kirsten.
Josie plops herself down with these girls, and takes a
spiral pad out of her big knapsack. In the process, she
manages to spill her chocolate milk all over her white
jeans.
JOSIE
That'll teach me to wear white
after Labor Day.
GIBBY
Umm- I don't think you're supposed
to wear white jeans after 1983.
They all laugh. Josie fakes a laugh, too.
JOSIE
Right, right.
Josie picks up her notepad and her pen.
JOSIE
So - tell me about yourselves.
They all just stare at Josie in disgust. Guy approaches
their table.
GUY
I'm Guy.
Guy looks at Josie. He's beautiful. She's flustered.
JOSIE
Yes you are. A guy. Guy. Quite a
guy. Oh my. Look at that--I rhymed.
(beat)
Yikes.
(beat)
Bikes!
GUY
(very serious)
Are you in special ed?
Josie stands up, grabs her bag and her chocolate milk -
JOSIE
Bye. Guy. Others.
She leaves the Cafeteria, passing a-couple of Denominators.
JOSIE
(to herself)
Aaaah! How old am I?
DENOMINATOR #1
Approximately six thousand three
hundred and fifty days old-subject
to adjustment for month of birth.
This is very funny Denominator humor- to the Denominators.
Josie leaves the Cafeteria.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
Josie runs out an exit door and right into a SECURITY GUARD
GUARD
You got a pass?
INT. GYM - LATER
A banner above reads "PRESIDENTIAL FITNESS TESTING THIS
WEEK." FIFTEEN SENIOR GIRLS, including Josie, in matching
green and yellow polyester gym clothes do sprints up and-
down the basketball court. Josie looks like she's about to
die. Ms. Brown yells as she passes.
MS. BROWN
move it Geller! Move it! Move it!
Josie stops, grabs the woman by the shoulders.
JOSIE
Must--have--water--
MS. BROWN
What do I look like, your waitress?
Now you're gonna complete these
sprints, cause if you don't you
fail. And if you fail gym, you're
NEVER GETTING INTO COLLEGE!
JOSIE
Oh--my--God--you guys are—still
telling that lie--?
MS. BROWN
That's it Geller--drop and give me
twenty!
Josie drops to the gym floor.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER
It's - finally- the end of the day. Josie makes her way
down the hall, clutching her pad of paper, getting pushed
and shoved by kids as they storm outside. A huge banner
hangs overhead reading: "SIGN UP FOR SENIOR NIGHT!"
She tries to smile at some kids, but they all ignore her.
She makes it to the main entrance to the school, where we
see, as she shoves her pad of paper into her bag, it is
completely blank.
EXT. PARKING LOT - SAME
Kids fill the parking lot. Josie walks, talking on her
cell phone.
JOSIE
(into phone)
Rhoda, make sure Gus gets-the whole
message, okay? Yeah--bye--
Josie arrives where she parked Bambi. The space is empty.
She still holds the phone to her ear--
JOSIE
Wait a second--
(into phone)
No, not you--bye--
Josie shuts the phone, looks around...retraces her steps
... Bambi is gone.
Josie walks around the lot, getting visibly upset.
In the corner of the lot, WE SEE a group of Denominators
removing a BIG METAL CHAIN from around a group of tightly
packed cars.
ALDYS (O.S.)
They do it to all the new kids.
Josie finds Aldys standing next to her.
JOSIE
Who's of they?
Aldys motions up to a second floor window. Guy and his
Group look down on them, laughing.
ALDYS
Guy Perkins and his amazing
Lemmings. They push your car out
of its space, hide it, then watch
while you look for it. We've taken
to chaining ours together for
safety. I'm Aldys.
JOSIE
I'm Josie. Aldys is an interesting
name.
ALDYS
When it's not yours. My mom was
going through her Harlequin Romance
phase.
JOSIE
Try being named after a guitar-
playing pussycat.
Aldys doesn't get it.
JOSIE
Never mind.
(beat)
That is so awful that they hide
your cars.
ALDYS
guess. Although, what is truly
awful is that with the combined
intellectual effort of every kid
in that room right now-
She points up to the biology room-
ALDYS
They still would not know the
difference between a synecdoche
and a hyperbole.
Josie laughs.
JOSIE
I know. It's pathetic.
Aldys stares Josie down.
JOSIE
What?
ALDYS
Well, do you?
JOSIE
Synecdoche uses a part to represent
a whole- as in " head of cattle",
whereas a hyperbole is simple
exaggeration like "I could eat a
horse."
ALDYS
Nice.
They stop and look around.
JOSIE
How long will they watch us for?
ALDYS
Until Guy tells them to go. Once
they watched me for like two hours.
I found my car the next day in the
T.J. Maxx parking lot.
JOSIE
Why do they listen to Guy?
ALDYS:
(duh)
Because he's Guy Perkins.
(then)
Listen, you want to walk to Na-
Na's and get something to eat?
JOSIE
Yeah. Let's do that.
They start to walk out of the parking lot. Josie is visibly
thrilled - having finally found a friend.
INT. NA-NA'S - LATER
Josie and Aldys share a huge plate of chili fries.
ALDYS
Yeah - isn't it amazing that those
guys are our same age? I mean,
they just seem so much younger,
you know.
JOSIE
Oh I know.
A WAITER delivers two huge chocolate shakes.
ALDYS
I'm going to be so happy to get to
college. I hear at Northwestern
they don't make fun of you for
knowing the element table.
JOSIE
Hey--I went to Northwestern!
(a beat)
Once. To use the bathroom.
OUT THE WINDOW, Josie sees her Buick with Rob at the wheel
stopped at a red light. Detailed on to the side in big
white script is: "THE TIKI POST".
Josie's eyes widen. The light changes. Rob pulls away.
JOSIE
(So angry)
Oh. My. God.
(a beat)
You'll really like Northwestern.
They both slurp down their shakes.
JOSIE
So what are your hopes, your dreams,
what do you want to be?
ALDYS
Professor of medieval literature.
Novelist. Weekend flautist.
Aldys takes another slurp of her shake. WE HEAR a muffled
cell phone RINGING.
ALDYS
I think your knapsack is ringing.
Josie takes the cell phone out of her knapsack and answers
it.
JOSIE
Hello?
WE INTERCUT WITH:
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - SAME
Gus speaks into his phone, knitting frantically.
GUS
Geller, I got your message. What
the hell kind of story are you
pitching?!
Josie smiles awkwardly at Aldys, covering the phone.
JOSIE
It's my dad. He worries.
(into phone)
Hi, Dad. I miss you too.
GUS
You're a sick puppy, Geller.
Josie indicates to Aldys she'll be right back and walks to
the back of the restaurant by the pay phones.
JOSIE
(into the phone)
It's an expose on cafeteria food.
GUS
And you're leading with the terrible
truth about cole slaw?!
JOSIE
Well, the bulk of it will be about
the pimento loaf--
GUS
Geller...you wanna be a reporter?
Take a look at what sells! Sex
scandals. Bribery. People jumping
off buildings. So unless a kid
just killed himself because he was
being paid to have sex with the
school mascot in a big vat of this
cole slaw, you got nothing!
Gus slams down his phone.
JOSIE
(into a dead phone)
You didn't taste the pimento loaf.
She looks back to the table where Aldys is dividing the
check.
EXT. TRACK - HIGH SCHOOL - DUSK
In the middle of the track is Josie's car. The MARCHING
BAND clumsily practices their formations around it. Josie
and Aldys arrive at the car and Aldys pops the hood.
ALDYS
They love to disconnect the battery,
too.
She looks under the hood, reconnects the battery. Slams
the hood down.
ALDYS
Just so you know, I think they
recalled these cars in 1974.
JOSIE
Thanks.
ALDYS
Sure. No problem.
Aldys heads to the lot for her car, and then turns around.
ALDYS
Hey, Josie, how are you at Calculus?
JOSIE
Petty good.
ALDYS
How would you like to join The
Denominators? The Math Team could
really use a new brain. We lost
our best logarithm guy last year.
JOSIE
College?
ALDYS
NASA.
(beat)
Plus we have these really fun pizza
study groups, and we go to-these
all county meets. And, I mean, not
that you need it, and without
sounding too much like the
Godfather, I think we could offer
you a certain amount of protection",
if you know what I mean. We all
kind of stick together and watch
out for each other.
Josie smiles.
MUSIC UP: SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK'S "Magic Three"
AS WE BEGIN MONTAGE:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Josie and Denominators walk down the hallway in unison,
past Guy's Group, open their lockers in order a la
"RESERVOIR DOGS", take out paper, pencils, calculators.
INT. - HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Josie and Aldys, both wearing big orange Denominator
sweatshirts, are behind a table manning a bake sale.
A banner behind them says: n = 3.14578697786978 Pie = $.75
No one is stopping to buy anything. Josie points to the
left, Aldys looks, and Josie stuffs a whole brownie in her
mouth. They laugh uncontrollably as Josie starts to choke
and cough up most of the brownie.
We PAN DOWN a row of nervous looking Denominator faces as
they watch Josie, sitting head to head against a DIGIT, an
opposing Math-a-lon competitor. They both work furiously
on a problem. A judge sits between them. A makeshift
scoreboard hanging off the desk shows the score is tied.
Josie bangs the bell on the desk and hands the judge her
card. He looks it over, and gives her team five points.
They win.
The Denominators erupt into cheers. They're jumping all
over Josie, going crazy. As we go wider we see the gym is
entirely empty, except for a handful of Denominators going
crazy on one side, and a janitor sweeping up on the other.
INT. MALL BOOK STORE - DAY
Smiling at each other, Josie and Aldys clutch books
excitedly and stand in line. WE WIDEN to reveal they're in
line with NERDY ADULTS also clutching their books. At the
head of the line is a blow-up poster for The New Elements
Of Grammar. An OLD MAN signs books for his fans.
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
It's late. Josie is typing on her laptop, referencing notes
from her notebook. Schoolbooks and homework are spread
around her.
END MONTAGE.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Sam is perched on the desk. The usual players in their
usual seats. Aldys is standing and reading from her book.
ALDYS:
(reading)
"All the world's a stage and all
the men and women merely players."
SAM
Anyone have any idea what
Shakespeare meant by that?
No one answers.
SAM
Anyone? Sera ... Megan ... exchange
student who doesn't speak English?
We CU on the students, ending on an Asian boy who smiles
wildly at Sam and waves. Sam smiles, and waves back.
SAM
It's about disguise, playing a
part. It's the theme of "As You
Like It." Can anyone tell me where
we see that?
ALDYS
Well, Rosalind disguises herself
as a man and escapes into the
forest.
SAM
Right. And it's when she's in
costume that she can finally express
her love for Orlando. See,
Shakespeare's making the point
here that when we're disguised, we
feel freer. We can do things we
wouldn't do in ordinary life.
CU on Josie's face. She's clearly uncomfortable. Sam walks
up to a huge football player, BRETT.
SAM
Brett when you go out on the
football field in your uniform,
what happens?
BRETT
We win?
SAM
You hit people. You yell. You touch
other guys' butts.
The class giggles. Brett looks horrified.
SAM
But it's okay, because you're in
uniform. Disguise changes the rules
(beat)
I had these Spiderman pyjamas. I
thought when I wore them, that I
had super powers. One night I tried
to walk up the side of the garage.
SERA
Did you make it?
SAM
To the Emergency Room. Yeah.
Josie smiles at this, a little smitten.
SAM
Josie, why don't you read from Act
5, Scene 2, Rosalind's speech--
Josie stands up, starts reading--
JOSIE
"No sooner had they met but they
looked; no sooner looked but they
loved; no sooner loved but they
sighed..."
JOSIE'S VOICE BEGINS TO FADE AWAY-
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY (FLASHEACK)
ANGLE BACK to Josie, now seventeen and mortified, nervously
standing in class and reading a poem. Billy Prince sits to
the side--she glances at him throughout the poem, it's
clearly about him.
JOSIE
Does he notice me? Does he hear my
heart screaming his name-- sometimes
it's so loud I think the Gods can
hear my pain. His voice is so
mellifluous, oh to get just one
small kiss.
The CLASS laughs at her except for Billy, who smiles at
her, looking slightly touched.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY (FLASHBACK)
Seventeen-year-old Josie is surrounded by an elaborate,
color-coded index card system for her research paper.
Her friend, SHEILA, over-weight and pimply, comes running
across the library at breakneck speed. She sits down next
to Josie, visibly excited and pushes her index cards aside.
SHEILA
O.K., what have you wanted for
like ever but you didn't think it
would -ever happen?
Josie looks at her for a moment, mulling it over.
JOSIE
That they'd start an Olympic team
for grammar - like diagramming
sentences and verb declensions and
stuff. And I'm scouted for the
team- just as an alternate, of
course- because I'm so young. But
then there's talk of me in the '96
games-
SHEILA.
No-, better. Something better
Josie smiles.
JOSIE
I'm the most popular girl in school,
and Billy Prince is taking me to
prom.
Josie laughs at the absurdity. She looks at Sheila. Sheila
is dead serious.
SHEILA
Yes.
JOSIE
What?
SHEILA
Billy Prince is asking you to prom.
JOSIE
Why?
SHEILA
I don't know.
JOSIE
(beat)
The poem! I knew he liked the poem!
(all sinking in)
Billy Prince is asking me to the
prom.
SHEILA
That's what I'm saying.
The two girls look at each other. Big smiles erupt into
screams, as they jump up and down, hugging each other.
SFX - The BELL RINGS.
INT. SAM'S CLASSROOM (PRESENT)
SAME
It's the end of class. Students pack their bags.
SAM
(calling out)
O.K. - just a reminder. Your paper
is due in one week.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - SAME
Aldys and Josie head out of class and down the hallway
towards their lockers. Josie stops in front of hers where
the Makeout Couple continues their clinch, blocking her
locker. Josie pauses frustrated as Sydney's Voice comes
over the loudspeaker.
SYDNEY (O.S.)
Hey guys! Bad news--Chem wing is
closed. The Hazardous Materials
Crew is on the way. Now, about
prom.
The entire hallway STOPS to listen. The makeout Couple
stop making out.
SYDNEY (O.S.)
Please join a committee--because
we are going to KICK NORTHGLEN'S
BUTT and make millennium the best
prom EVER!
The hallway erupts in CHEERS. Josie makes a move to go for
her locker. The Makeout Couple are faster. They're back in
their clinch, blocking Josie again.
CU ON GUY
walking with his group.
GUY
Rufus! Prom is gonna be Rufus.
KRISTEN
Rufus?
GUY
Yeah. I made it up. Start using
it.
ANGLE BACK ON JOSIE AND ALDYS.
JOSIE
What is with this school and prom?
ALDYS
Southglen South competes every
year for best prom, and usually
they win. We Denominators don't
even go to prom. -But to everyone
else it's huge.
JOSIE
Aldys, don't miss your prom--it
only happens once.
ALDYS
This one has been so hyped. We're
tied for most wins with Northglen
North. This year's winner will
determine the winner of the century.
The theme is everything. So whatever
Southglen picks has to be totally
unique--
INT. NORTHGLEN NORTH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
KIDS all stare at a loudspeaker.
KID'S VOICE: (O.S.)
And this year's prom theme is--the
millennium!
The Northglen kids go crazy.
INT. SOUTHGLEN HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - SAME
Josie reaches for her knapsack, and realizes she left it
in English.
JOSIE
I left my bag in English. I'll see
you later.
Josie dashes down the hallway.
INT. CLASSROOM - SAME
Sam still sits at his desk. He reads a book. Josie enters.
SAM
Whoa. Deja Vu.
JOSIE
Sorry. Forgetful.
Josie picks up her bookbag. She notices the book Sam's
reading--
JOSIE
(excited)
Dorothy Parker--
SAM
You like her?
JOSIE
I love the way she writes.
SAM
Not the happiest of souls.
(reading out of
book)
"Art is a form of catharsis, and
love is a permanent flop."
JOSIE
But I think she wanted to be happy,
that's why she wrote. I mean, she
was still writing about love, right?
SAM
True. I guess she hadn't completely
given up hope.
(then)
Are you sure you're seventeen?
JOSIE
Sure, why?
SAM
Because seventeen-year-olds do not
like writers from the '30's. They
don't even like people in their
30's.
JOSIE
Well, I'm definitely seventeen and
(off clock)
now definitely late--
And she smiles and runs out.
INT. ALDYS' CAR - NIGHT
Aldys drives, Josie has shotgun and TYKE, Aldys' nine-year-
old sister, is in back. They all hold double-scooped cones
and they all sing FREE TO BE YOU AND ME at full voice.
TYKE
See, aren't you guys glad you took
a break from that Denominator stuff.
I mean, you shouldn't be spending
your Saturday night studying the
whole time.
ALDYS
we should be spending it thinking
of how we can better serve your
baby-sitting needs?
TYKE
They pull up at a red light, next
to an abandoned drive-in. Josie
peers in, and sees a BIG GROUP OF
KIDS, standing around a bonfire
drinking beers, talking, a few
making out. She opens her window,
sticks her head out, and tries to
get a better look.
JOSIE
What's that?
ALDYS
That's the old drive-in. They call
it "The Court". Now it's just a
continuous party for Guy's group.
ANGLE ON: Gibby and Kristen talking by a car.
ALDYS
Sometimes I wonder what they talk
about.
JOSIE
Yeah, I know.
ALDYS
I mean, what if they just stupid
to hide the fact that they're
actually brainiacs with super powers
and they're plotting to take over
the world and make my life hell
until I die?
ANGLE ON: THE COOL GIRLS.
GIBBY
No. It's lather, rinse, repeat.
ANGLE BACK ON: ALDYS AND JOSIE
Suddenly, Guy pokes his head in, startling everyone.
GUY
Wow, if it isn't Alpo. Coming out
to sniff some hydrants?
Josie is frozen, but not Aldys.
ALDYS
Oh, Guy, you on a little break
from having an original thought?
Ooops, I forgot, that's all the
time.
Tyke gets it, and laughs. Guy doesn't get it at all.
GUY
You guys aren't seriously trying
to hang out at The Court?
ALDYS
oooh, cheap wine coolers and a
fire in a trashcan. Where do I
sign up?
GUY
And stay away from prom.
ALDYS
Last I checked--this was still a
free country.
TYKE
(singing)
There's a land that I see, where
the children are free-
Guy's right in Aldys' face, leaning over Josie. Aldys starts
to drive away. Guy keeps his head in the window while he
runs alongside the car.
GUY
Look, geek, why don't you just go
home and play with your calculator.
Figure out how many lifetimes it
will take you to get cool.
Guy stops running, and the car continues down the street.
INT. CAR – CONTINUOUS
Aldys seems a little shaken, Tyke continues singing.
JOSIE
Have you ever wanted to go to The
Court?
ALDYS
Are you kidding, Josie? It's lame.
All they do is stand around and
get drunk. It's lame.
JOSIE
It is?
ALDYS
Yes, it's lame.
JOSIE
Yeah, it sounds lame. Why would we
want to go there, and stand around?
ALDYS
Exactly.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - DAY
CLOSE ON a newspaper headline: "THE COURT - SITE FOR
PARTIES, DRUGS AND WEEKEND ARRESTS" - as Gus throws the
newspaper down on his desk.
Josie sits across the desk from him. She reads the headline,
looking very surprised.
GUS
Josie, I am appalled.
Josie picks up the paper, and starts reading intently.
JOSIE
Jeez, so am I. I had no idea that
these kids- let's see- turn to A14-
She tries to turn to A14, but Gus grabs the paper out of
her hands in a rage.
GUS
(trying to keep his
cool)
No, I am appalled that I have a
reporter in there, undercover, for
almost three weeks now- I had to
read about this in the Tribune.
JOSIE
Oh. Right.
Gus angrily tries to fold the paper back 'up. He's having
a hard time. Josie tries to help, but he yanks it away.
Gus reads aloud from the newspaper.
GUS
Responding officers found minors,
marijuana, and cheap wine coolers
when they responded to a call to
break up a party at what Southglen
High Schoolers have come to call
"The Court." Seventeen-year-old
Kristen Rey says, "Yeah, everyone
who's anyone is at The Court on
Saturday night."
JOSIE
(disbelieving)
Kristen got a quote?
Gus looks up at Josie.
JOSIE
Yes, urm, she's right. I have
learned it is a very popular place
for the young people to go.
GUS
Have you been there?
JOSIE
Uhh, no.
GUS
Have you been to any parties?
JOSIE
Well, how would you define to
parties"? Because we ordered a
deli platter at this one Denominator
drill session--
Gus looks like he may combust. He opens the newspaper,
finds what he's looking for, and shoves it in Josie's face.
It is a picture of all of the popular kids at Southglen-
Kristen, Kirsten, Gibby, Guy- they are all posing for the
picture at The Court, smiling and holding beers.
GUS
This is where the stories are. You
are going to become friends with
these people. You are going to
party with them. You are going to
hang out with them on weekends.
When they go to prom, you are going
to be in their same damn limo!
JOSIE
Gus I, the popular kids and I, we
just don't- I mean, I don't think
I can do this.
He points to the picture in the paper of the Popular Kids.
GUS
Do you even know these kids?
JOSIE
(trying)
They hid my car--
Gus leans in very close.
GUS
Get to know them. Very well. Your
job and my job depends on it.
JOSIE
(very small)
Depend on it. No s. Your subject
is plural.
GUS
OUT!
Josie grabs her knapsack and does.
INT. ANITA'S CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Josie runs through the bullpen, past Anita's cubicle. ROGER
from op/ed enters. He and Anita smile flirtatiously.
ANITA
Hi Roger from op/ed--
ROGER
Hi Anita from classifieds. We still
on for tonight?
ANITA
of course--
And he leans in and kisses her. She pulls away, confused.
A beat. Anita kisses him again. Nothing.
ANITA (CONT’D)
(can't believe she's
saying it--)
Y'know what? No, I don't think we
are on. I think I have to stay
home.
(liking how it sounds)
Yeah. I'm staying home! I don't
know what I'll do there, but I'm
gonna do it. Alone!
Roger walks off.
ROGER
(under)
Freak.
EXT. JOSIE'S PARENTS' HOUSE - NIGHT
Rob opens the door still dressed in his Tiki Post outfit.
He takes one look at Josie and knows that things are not
good.
JOSIE
Are mom and dad here?
ROB
No. They're at the Franklin Hint
Expo at the Skokie Holiday Inn.
JOSIE
Good.
She shoves her way into the house. Rob follows.
INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS
Josie storms into the den, and plants herself on the sofa.
She sees that Rob has been watching baseball on T.V., and
she turns it off.
JOSIE
I can't do it. I thought I could.
I can't. I give up--I'm never going
to be a reporter.
Rob sits next to her on the couch. He looks up at the T.V.-
which is now off.
ROB
Did you catch the score?
Josie gives him a look of death.
ROB
No, I mean, no big whoop.
JOSIE
I can't do this.
She pulls the article out of her purse, and shoves it at
Rob. He sees the picture of all the popular kids at The
Court.
ROB
These girls are high schoolers?
Damn, we've got some underage
hotties on our hands, here!
JOSIE
Gus insists that I become friends
with these kids. The popular kids.
It's impossible.
ROB
Why is that impossible?
Josie's eyes get teary.
JOSIE
Rob, you don't know how it was for
me back in high school. No one
ever threw juice boxes at you in
the hallway. You never dreamed
about being popular- you already
were. All I wanted was to be
accepted, and they just fucking
tortured me. I can't do all that
again. I can't go back to Southglen
South.
ROB
Oh my God! You're at Southglen
South? They have a killer baseball
team.
JOSIE
Rob. Please focus.
He puts his arm around her.
ROB
Jos, you've been to college, you're
successful, you wash your hair now--
you're not Josie Grossie anymore.
JOSIE
Don't you realize how much I wanted
to be you in high school? Just for
one minute to feel what it was
like to be popular?
ROB
Come on! It's not that hard. All
you need is one person. Once the
right person thinks you're cool,
you're in. Everyone else will be
too scared to question it.
JOSIE
Is that true?
ROB
Little known fact.
Josie takes this in.
ROB
Look, don't you wanna show them -
Gus, Billy Prince, yourself--that
you're not freaked out by the cool
kids anymore? That you can go in
there, be friends with them, and
get your story?
JOSIE
Yes, desperately.
ROB
Plus, if you quit you're no better
than me.
JOSIE
Better than I...
ROB
That's the spirit!
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT - NEXT MORNING
Josie approaches the school. She's clearly made a new
attempt at style- she's teetering on too-high platform
shoes and showing a blending white midriff. No one pays
much attention to her.
GEORGE, thirty-something African-American, the epitome of
cool, waves Josie over to an open van side door. Josie
looks confused and scurries to the van.
JOSIE
(sotto)
George! What are you doing here?
GEORGE
Just get in the van, Josie.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - MOMENTS LATER
High-tech surveillance wonderland meets seventies living
room. Tape players and monitors share space with shag
carpeting and a mini-fridge. Barry White PLAYS on a TAPE.
George starts to wrap wire around Josie's waist. He pins a
kid's plastic "captain's wings" onto her collar.
JOSIE
What is this?
GEORGE
Hidden camera.
JOSIE
Wings?
GEORGE
We used it for our expose on
overweight flight attendants--"Is
That Why They Never Give You a
Second Bag of Nuts?"
JOSIE
I'm not doing this until I speak
with Gus.
GUS (O.S.)
(through speaker)
Geller, stop being a pain in the
ass.
Josie looks all around.
JOSIE
Gus?
GUS (O.S.)
No, it's the Great and Powerful
Oz. Now listen--you're in over
your head. This is how it's gonna
work. I review the tapes, I find
your story.
JOSIE
What if I say no?
GUS (O.S.)
I bet Good Housekeeping would go
gaga over the cole slaw piece.
Off Josie's look of concern...
EXT. SCHOOL - MINUTES LATER
A crush of kids flood up the stairs to the front door of
the school. We see Kirsten, Kristen and Gibby walking three
abreast ahead of Josie up the stairs. The Crowd parts around
them. Josie heads towards them.
JOSIE
Hey! Kirsten, Kristen, Gibby--
What's up girlfriends?
The three girls pause and turn just as Josie, caught up in
the moment, doesn't see a stray backpack on the stairs in
front of her. Josie trips and--
JOSIE-CAM POV:
The CAMERA FACE-PLANTS into the pavement.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - SAME
George watches the monitor, winces.
JOSIE-CAM POV:
The CAMERA still faces the pavement.
JOSIE (O.S.)
(small)
I'M OKAY.
INT. COULSOM'S CLASSROOM - LATER
Josie is standing, reading from her paper. Sam is rapt.
JOSIE
And so it is Rosalind, in disguise,
who is best able to see through
the disguises of others. To say to
Phebe, "Mistress, know thy self,"
to look at love from every angle,
and to realize, finally, that she
is in love with Orlando--
The BELL RINGS. Class is over. Josie puts her stuff away
and starts to follow the Cool Girls out.
JOSIE
Hey guys, wait up--
The Girls keep moving. Sam stops Josie.
SAM
Hey, Josie, hold on.
(then)
You've been hiding something from
me.
JOSIE
Oh I don't think so.
SAM
Your writing. It's amazing, Josie.
You're really talented. And far
less depressing than Dorothy Parker.
JOSIE
Thank you.
SAM
So what are you thinking for
college?
JOSIE
College. Haven't really thought
about it.
SAM
That's crazy. I'll get you some
applications.
JOSIE
Oh no no no no no. See, my family,
we don't go to college.
(beat)
We just go right into sheep herding.
SAM
Josie you owe it to yourself to
go. For your writing. You're a
natural.
JOSIE
Thanks. Wow. That's--really nice
to hear.
SAM
Josie, you're different. When you
speak in class, I can tell--You
actually feel the words--
(touching heart)
in here. They're alive. Like-Eurdora
Welty talked about the word it
moon"? How for her it was like a
Concord grape. "That Grandpa took
off his vine and gave to me to
suck out of its skin--"
SAM/JOSIE
It --and swallow whole."
They both take a breath in. Look away from each other.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN – SAME
George watches the monitor.
GEORGE
Uh oh.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
Anita sits on Gus's desk, watches the last scene on Gus's
TV, engrossed. Gus walks in and stops the tape.
GUS
Showtime's over! Move-it! Back to
work!
Anita climbs off his desk.
ANITA
Gus, have you ever been in love?
GUS
Leave.
ANITA
Oh give it up, Gus. I'm just making
conversation.
GUS
Love. Who knows what that is? Now
circulation, deadlines, those I
understand.
ANITA
You should go out every now and
then, Gus; with some new ties the
girls would be all over you.
Gus stares down at his tie. But he's smiling--a little.
GUS
Go away. I have enough work here
to last me all night.
ANITA
Listen, I don't have any plans--
you want some help?
GUS
No Roger from op/ed?
ANITA
Nope.
They share a smile.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Josie walks toward her locker, the Make out Couple is at
it again. Josie's fed up. She taps the Boy on his shoulder.
JOSIE
Excuse me. Hi. Do you guys have
some kind of schedule I could work
around?
He ignores Josie and goes back to his Girlfriend.
Aldys, in her Denominator sweatshirt decorated with pins,
approaches Josie.
ALDYS
Hey, where's your sweatshirt?
JOSIE
– uhh, must have forgotten-
ALDYS
No biggie. I have an extra in my
locker. I'll get it for you.
She starts to leave.
ALDYS
Oh – I almost forgot – I'll see
you tonight at Big Cup. 7:30, right?
Josie looks confused.
ALDYS
Remember, that poet that we liked
– the reading he's doing at Big
Cup? I got us tickets.
JOSIE
Right. 7:30.
ALDYS
I'm late for lab.
Aldys takes off. Josie looks down the hall, where Guy,
Kristen and the others are all looking at a flyer pasted
to the wall.
GUY
That is gonna be such a sweet show.
I am so there.
Guy looks at Tommy and Jason, who f follow his lead.
TOMMY
Oh, yeah, man, I'll drive.
JASON
It's gonna be Rufalicious.
GUY
(beat)
You're using it wrong.
They head off, en masse. Josie goes and looks at the flyer:
"JIMMY CLIFF TONIGHT AT DELLOSER HALL". Josie smiles.
EXT. CLUB/DELLOSER HALL - NIGHT
Marquee reads "Jimmy Cliff." A crowd has gathered by the
door. Josie gets out of cab, and walks towards the club.
INT. CLUB/DELLOSER HALL - NIGHT
Josie enters the small, smoky club. She wears what she
considers to be her "hip concert outfit," an outfit that
completely clashes with the Rasta wear of the other concert
goers. -She reaches the BOUNCER.
BOUNCER
You Drinking?
Josie notices the two Stoners from school standing behind
her in line.
JOSIE
I am not 21. I am only seventeen
and I still attend high school.
The bouncer stamps her hand. She looks down at her hand.
WE CU ON her hand, reading DELLOSER.
She enters as the two Stoners approach the Bouncer.
BOUNCER
Two of you?
A beat as the Stoners look at each other, realizing...
STONER 1
(to Stoner 2)
Oh, Dude--
And they run out of the club.
INT. CLUB/DELLOSER HALL - SAME
JIMMY CLIFF is playing. The crowd sits at tables, grooving.
Josie approaches the bar. A guy turns around--it's Sam.
SAM
Josie--out on a school night.
A woman, LARA, emerges from the crowd. And puts her arm
around SAM. An awkward beat.
LARA
Hi.
JOSIE
Hi.
SAM
Oh, right, sorry. Lara--Josie.
Josie--Lara.
(to Lara)
Josie's a student of mine.
(to Josie)
Lara's my-date.
LARA
Nice to meet you.
Another awkward pause.
LARA
C'mon, c'mon, let's go dance.
The crowd roars over Cliff's next song as Lara drags San
off into the crowd. Sam looks back briefly at Josie as we
lose him into the crowd.
ANGLE ON JOSIE
She sees Guy's group sitting at a table and approaches an
empty seat. They immediately scoot around so that the seat
is taken. Undeterred, Josie sees a seat at the next table
and sits down in it. She looks up to see that she is at a
table of huge RASTAFARIANS. They all wear big Rasta hats
and even bigger hair and are smoking a joint the size of
Cuba. She smiles awkwardly.
JOSIE
Hi. Is it okay if I sit here?
RASTA #1
Oh, ya mon. We accept all peoples.
We are all about da' love.
Josie and the Rasta's start to groove to the music. Josie
looks over at Guy's table, sees they are toking off a small
joint and passing it around.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - CONTINUOS
George and his DATE, a Pam Grier look-alike, sit close on
the couch, grooving to the CONCERT PLAYING on the monitor
and through the various speakers. CU on the monitor.
JOSIE-CAM POV:
The joint the size of Cuba is passed INTO FRAME. Josie's
hand takes it. Catching sight of this, George and his Date
exchange concerned looks.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. CLUB/DELLOSER HALL - LATER
Josie is high beyond belief, wearing a big Rasta hat and
loudly laughing her ass off as the Rastas just stare. She
can hardly keep herself in her chair.
JOSIE
Get it?! Get it?! He was a
firecracker!
She lifts up Rasta 1's dreadlocks to get his ear.
JOSIE
(yelling)
A FIRECRACKER!
And she cracks up again.
RASTA #1
(to Rasta #2)
I don't love her.
Rastas share looks ill around. Then Josie hears the first
strains of "The Harder They Come"--
JOSIE
Oh my God! This music rules!
And Josie proceeds to get up and take over the place--she's
dancing on the table, getting up with the band and playing
the bongos, all with absolutely no rhythm or style. But
with a lot of whooping. The club is agog.
ANGLE ON: Lara and Sam. They both look aghast.
LARA
She's a student of yours?
SAM
(in explanation)
She's from Bali.
And as Josie continues to dance on stage, making a total
fool of herself, Jimmy Cliff turns to CAMERA.
JIMMY
Freak.
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT - LATER
Josie is on the phone, and is in the process of finishing
an entire pie.
JOSIE
I'm telling you, Rob! I think I
did it! I'm totally in! I was soo
cool tonight! You'd be so--
(staring at fork)
You know what's a weird word? Fork.
(then)
Wait! Wait! Did I tell you about
my new friends? I made friends
with a whole table of Rastafarians!
Not one, a whole table!
(noting empty pie
plate, suddenly
serious)
Oh. My. God. Someone ate my entire
pie.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING
Josie is asleep where we left her, her head on her hand,
empty pie plate nearby.
She wakes, picks her head up. Looks down at her hand, the
DELLOSER stamp is faint. CLOSE UP ON her forehead. There
in block letters backwards is "LOSER".
She looks up at the clock, which reads: 8:30. She's late.
Very late. She grabs her book bag and her keys, and races
out.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING
Josie strides confidently down the hallway, LOSER
prominently on her forehead. She sees Guy and his Group.
JOSIE
Hi Guy. Guys. Guy's Guys.
They stare, then snicker.
GUY
Hi loser.
The group laughs and joins in, saying "Hey Loser." Josie's
face registers confusion.
JOSIE-CAM POV:
We move slowly down the packed hallway, the CAMERA shifting
nervously amidst a sea of laughing kids. The LAUGHTER starts
to ECHO.
Josie starts to walk quickly, then run, through the gauntlet
of' laughing and pointing kids.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - CONTINUOUS
WE HEAR THE LAUGHING, the JOSIE CAM JERKS frantically from
KID to KID.
GEORGE
This can not be good--
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
JOSIE CAM P.O.V. WE HEAR Josie BREATHING HEAVILY as she
runs past KIDS who all stare or LAUGH. She makes it to the
Girls Room, pushes open the door.
INT. GIRLS' BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Josie goes to the sink, splashes water on her face.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN CONTINUOS
George watches the monitor, HANDS splash water. A HAND
grabs a paper towel. George can now see Josie reflected in
the bathroom mirror. He sees the "LOSER" stamp on her
forehead.
GEORGE
Oh man. Look up, girl. C'mon, Look
up--
INT. GIRLS' BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Josie wipes her mouth. Throws the towel away. Goes to exit--
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - CONTINUOUS
George is now apoplectic.
GEORGE
LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Josie pauses, goes back to the mirror. She looks up. Sees
the stamp. Her hand goes to her mouth in horror. She runs
into a stall.
JOSIE CAM P.O.V.: WE FACE the toilet.
INT. GEORGE'S VAN - CONTINUOUS
George looks at the monitor in amazement.
INT. GUS'S OFFICE - DAY
A Group is watching Gus's TV, including Burns (the hair