THE LIFE AND DEATH
OF SUGAR CANDY
Retitled to:
THE LIFE AND DEATH
OF COLONEL BLIMP
Screenplay written by
Michael Powell & Emeric Pressburger
Based on the cartoon character
created by David Lowe
Pre & Production Draft
June 1942
Contains Revisions using
square brackets [[ ]] & [ ]
Copyright (c) 1994
The Estates of
Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger
All rights reserved
THE RESURRECTION OF 'BLIMP'
A NOTE ON THE SCRIPT AND FILM
Michael Powell believed that 'Emeric's screenplay for Colonel
Blimp should be in every film archive, in every film
library.'* The question is, however, in what form? The text
printed here attempts something that is still rare in the
publication of screenplays and scripts. Usually these are
transcripts of what finally appeared on screen, based either
on the approved release script or simply on a description of
the dialogue and action. Occasionally an 'original' script
is published, although this is more common in cases where
that script has not been filmed and is therefore offered as
'literature'. The inevitable differences between script and
finished film are due to many factors, some creative, others
practical and circumstantial. A comparison of the original
and the result would therefore often be of little interest,
without a lengthy commentary on the production itself. In a
few cases, however, script and film remain relatively close
and the reasons for variation are interesting and
comprehensible. The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp is one
such case. There is only one known 'full script' version,
entitled The Life and Death of Sugar Candy' (clearly dating
from some time in June 1942. when it was hoped this concession
would win War Office approval). Subsequent memos identifying
scenes that were to be cut, changed and added indicate that
this remained
* A Life in Movies, p. 409.
The basis of the film's production (and its indications of
sequences already cut have been retained). What makes it
specially valuable is that it goes well beyond mere dialogue
and action, often describing location, character and
atmosphere in a highly suggestive way. Hence the decision to
present this script as written, together with a notation of
the film as it appears today. The system used is similar to
that devised by Bambi Ballard for her edition of Abel Gance's
script of Napoleon. This involves using double square brackets
[[ ]] to enclose original script material which does not
appear in the final film, and single square brackets [ ] for
material added during production. This means that in some
cases two variants of essentially the same speech appear
consecutively, which is not ideal, but hopefully the chance
to compare versions and trace shifts will compensate for any
local irritation. Names and titles which were changed in
production (such as Mullins to Murdoch, Colonel to General,
Die Walkure to Mignon) are given in their final form after
the first indication of a change.
What of the film 'text' itself? This was originally released
in July 1943, running for 163 minutes. By the early 70s, the
only known versions of comparable length were two original
nitrate copies held by the British Film Institute Deposit
Print Collection and screened occasionally at the National
Film Theatre.* All other copies appeared to be, at most,
between 130 and 140 minutes. The Radio Times, billing the
first UK television transmission on Boxing Day 1972, quoted
BBC sources: 'this is the longest version we could find. But
rumour hath it the original ran over three hours!' The slot
allocated indicates an anticipated length of about 130
minutes.
* One of these was donated by Powell and the other by Rank,
apparently in the late 50s. I am grateful for this and other
information about versions to David Meeker, Keeper of Feature
Films at the National Film and Television Archive.
When, how often, and by how much was Blimp cut? These are
the questions which still lack definitive answers, but some
reliable evidence and explanation can now be given. The US
Motion Picture Almanac lists Blimp for three consecutive
years, from 1944-45 to 1946-47, as belonging to 'Archers-
General' and at its original length of 163 minutes.*
Correspondence in the Powell papers indicates that there was
considerable speculation about how to release it in the United
States; but despite the pleas of specialist independent dis-
tributors, it was eventually assigned to United Artists under
Rank's overall deal with that company, and released by it in
May 1945. The running time listed in the Motion Picture Herald
review of 24 March 1945 was 148 minutes and the title is
given as Colonel Blimp. Four years later, Blimp resurfaced
in the trade press with a report that Rank had initiated
action by the Federal Trade Commission to restrain UA from
showing a version of 91 minutes, cut from the 'original' of
143 minutes. + The outcome, it was stressed, was academic,
since the film 'had been out of circulation for over a year'.
By the early 50s, it appears that either the US version had
become the only one available in Britain, or that the film
had been further shortened - possibly in order to fit into a
double-bill. Running times of 140 and 120 minutes have been
quoted by various sources. All of these shortened versions
(if there was more than one) seem to have had the Prologue
removed, so that the action started in 1902 and moved forward
to the Turkish Bath in 1942-43. This, at any rate, was the
version that I first saw in a nitrate print in 1971, but
unfortunately did not time.
In 1976, the BFI Deposit Collection was handed over to the
National Film Archive, which took the opportunity to
'cannibalize' the three prints it now held, making a nitrate
viewing copy of some 160 minutes. This was first seen publicly
in 1978 at the FIAF Congress in Brighton and at the National
Film Theatre's Powell-Pressburger retrospective in October-
November 1978. A first phase of restoration then started,
with support from the BBC, to make a printable safety
negative, based on the original Technicolor separations. The
result was unsatisfactory technically, but capable of being
enhanced electronically for a TV transmission on 11 October
1980, billed as allowing the film to be 'seen tonight on
television for the first time in its full original version'.
Work continued at the NFA, supervised by Paul de Burgh and
with help from the Rank Film Laboratories and a grant from
the Sainsbury Charitable Trust, which resulted in a new safety
negative. This provided the basis of a reissue of the film
by BFI Distribution in 1985, after a Gala Screening at the
Screen on the Hill on 18 July, attended by Powell and
Pressburger. It has been used as the basis for annotating
the original script.
* Rank's original distributor, General, still existed in the
US; and The Archers seem also to have been active in trying
to place their film. Hence this 'holding' designation.
+ Motion Picture Herald, 15 January 1949; Kinematograph
Weekly, 13 January 1949, p. 22. Geoffrey Macnab refers to
these reports, but claims in his J. Arthur Rank and the
British Film Industry (London, 1933) that the film was reduced
'to only a little over a tidy hour', thereby adding further
confusion to an already tangled tale.
.
FADE IN FIELD MESSAGE:
[[FROM: CORPS COMMANDER
TO: ALL UNITS
16:00 HOURS
MESSAGE BEGINS
EXERCISE BEER-MUG
TIME CAFE DE PARIS
MESSAGE ENDS
10 JUNE
(Added in pencil at the bottom: 'Make it like the real thing'
and initialled by the C.O.]]
[4BDE BMI DATE:
BEER MUG STOP BUTTERFLY
23.59 HOURS]
DISSOLVE TO:
SEQUENCE 1
A series of shots, composed and edited, to produce the maximum
effect of speed, efficiency and modern equipment. Locations
must be chosen roughly between Staines and Elstree, along
line of the Green Belt and the arterial roads, giving
composite impression of the approaches to West London. Some
air-shots will be necessary. The intention is to create, as
simply as possible, an impression of the mechanization and
resources of the modern British Army.
EXTERIORS: DESPATCH RIDERS
A small army of motorcycle despatch riders, several hundred
of them, are tearing along an arterial road at full speed.
At a roundabout they divide into three columns, one going
right, another left, the third straight on. We follow the
third column.
The by-pass ends at a T-road. The column divides again, one
column west, the other east. 'We follow the eastbound column.
The eastbound column divides again, one half going south. We
plunge, with the southbound column, into a country road. The
riders are now about twenty in number.
The column dashes through a water-splash and divides again
into two parties. We follow the smaller group of riders.
Three are left as they race into a picturesque village
occupied by troops. One of the riders stops at a strong-point
where an eager officer grabs the message.
Now there are only two riders.
At a farm, one of the two riders turns off the lane through
a farmyard.
[[We follow him, through the farm and down a bumpy cart-track
which leads to the headquarters in the field of 'B' Company,
the 2nd Battalion, the 4th Brigade, the 2nd Division of the
6th Army Corps.]]
SEQUENCE 2
Exteriors: H.Q. 'B' Company
'B' Company is a rifle company. [[Headquarters is a field,
well situated strategically but damnably uncomfortable. The
Company has been dug in by itself for four days. It is in
touch by runner with Battalion H.Q.
It is a fine evening now but for the past three days it has
rained, which has made enthusiasm difficult, and living,
cooking and sleeping impossible. They have done all the
proper things, camouflaged their vehicles, and taken advantage
of the surrounding terrain, what there is of it.]]
[They have made their headquarters in a farm.] The men are
half-starved, trained to a hair, ready for. anything and
bored stiff. That goes for the officers too.
COMMANDING OFFICER'S BILLET
LIEUTENANT 'SPUD' WILSON is shaving under difficulties [[and
a hawthorn hedge]] [in a barn]. He is a very large, tough,
rude, young officer. But he has a manner. He gets away with
murder. He is popular with his Company and stands well with
his Colonel.
He has one creed in war: he believes in winning the FIRST
BATTLE.
The DESPATCH RIDER rides up and [[starts to open his wallet]]
[is toppled from his motorcycle by a rope stretched across
the yard].
['STUFFY' GRAVES, a platoon commander, is keeping watch from
high in the barn.
[[D.R.
Message from the Corps, sir.]]
STUFFY
Message has just arrived, Spud.
The ambushed DESPATCH RIDER picks himself up.
RIDER
What's the ruddy idea?
SOLDIER
It's total war, isn't it? What do
you want?
RIDER
Message from H.Q. Where's the C.O.?
SOLDIER
In the barn. Follow me.
The DESPATCH RIDER continues on his bike through the farm.
Inside the barn, SPUD is still shaving. The SERGEANT-MAJOR
enters.
S.M
Message from H.Q., sir.]
SPUD
Read it, [Sgt. Hawkins].
S.M.
[It's in code, sir.]
(He reads.)
'Message begins: Exercise Invasion
of London Area by Regular Army, Home
Guard defending. War starts at
midnight. Message ends.' The C.O.'s
put in pencil [here], sir, 'Make it
like the real thing.'
SPUD
[[Platoon Commanders]][Oh, he has,
has he? Section commanders!]
SERGEANT-MAJOR puts fingers in mouth and gives special
whistle. Sound of men coming from different directions.
SPUD continues shaving, communing with himself.
By now the platoon commanders are before him: 'STUFFY' GRAVES,
'ROBIN' HOOD, 'TOMMY' TUCKER and the SERGEANT-MAJOR.
SPUD addresses them sardonically.
SPUD
[[Gentlemen!]] [Message from H.Q.]
War starts at midnight. You have
your orders. Tell the men!
TOMMY
Ay, ay, sir.
SPUD
And tell them to make it like the
real thing.
STUFFY
What do they mean by 'like the real
thing', Spud?
SPUD
(Savagely)
[Well,] obviously [[prisoners must
be bayoneted to death, women must be
raped,]]our losses divided by ten
and the enemy's multiplied by twenty!
[[STUFFY
Yessir.]]
[S.M.
Anything else for me, sir?
SPUD
No.]
He and the others see that SPUD is in no good humour and
they turn to go. SPUD goes on shaving, still communing:
SPUD:
'War starts at midnight'. We know.
[STUFFY
(Joining in the chorus
rhythm)
They know.]
SPUD
We attack.
STUFFY
They counter-attack.
SPUD
Like the real thing - my Aunt Fanny!
Like the real thing--
Suddenly a great idea strikes him, his voice changes, he
rises from his seat transfigured.
SPUD
LIKE THE REAL THING! Sergeant
Hawkins![[Stuffy, Robin, Tommy]]
[Section commanders!]
By this time they are all around him again. He starts to
wipe the soap off his face as he speaks.
SPUD
So War starts at midnight, does it?
[[Sergeant-Major!]]
S.M.
Sir!
SPUD:
We attack at six! [[We'll]] take
all the [tommy-guns and][[Brens and
three - no]] four [no, three] trucks.
Section leaders with tommy-guns. Arm
the men with [bombs,] rifles,
bayonets.[[fifty rounds of spare,
pick handles. I'll need all the
officers]].
S.M.
Yessir.
SPUD
Tommy, [from your section] - Rice,
Unsworth, [yes] the Owens, Nobby,
Toots and Cochrane?
[TOMMY
Not Cochrane, sir.
SPUD
All right, I leave it to you.] Stuffy,
who are the biggest toughs in your
lot?
STUFFY
Bill Wall, Wimpey, Popeye, Wizard...
SPUD
Yours Robin?
ROBIN
Frank, Skeets and Duggie Stuart
[Taffy, Geordie and Dai Evans.]
SPUD
([In mock Welsh accent)
We must have him, look you. All
right. Get going!][[We'll make it
real for them.]]
[S.M.
Excuse me, sir.
SPUD
Yes.
S.M.
Did you say that we attack before
war is declared?
SPUD
Yes, like Pearl Harbour. Now get
going. Oh, by the way, there's just
one stop, at the Bull. I've got a
date there with Mata Hari.
STUFFY
Careless talk...
SPUD
Yeah. Now scram.]
SEQUENCE 3 OUT
SEQUENCES 4, 5, 6, 7
Exteriors and Interiors of Spud's Commando
Dashing down Western Avenue towards London and passing through
a barricade.
[The Trucks pull in at the Bull. SPUD goes towards the
building alone.
SPUD
Five minutes easy, Sergeant.
(Calls to another
truck.)
Five minutes easy, Stuffy.
RAPID FADE TO BLACK:
Soldier swatting outside as before.
TOMMY
I wonder what's keeping Spud?
ANGELA CANNON (JOHNNY') appears at the door, unnoticed by
the soldiers, and moves stealthily towards her car. They see
her.
JOHNNY
Afternoon, Sergeant.
S.M.
(Puzzled)
Afternoon, miss.
(Realization dawns.)
Hey!
JOHNNY quickly drives off as the soldiers rush towards her.
S.M.
Back in the trucks!]
INTERIOR: SECOND TRUCK
SPUD points ahead.
SPUD
See that barricade, my [[hearties]]
[boys. Well] at midnight it's going
to be closed.
STUFFY
And [[none of the wicked enemy can
pass]] [of course the enemy can't
get] through before because - [why?]
WHOLE TRUCK
(With relish)
WAR STARTS AT MIDNIGHT!
SPUD grins and waves to the Home Guard on the barricade.
EXTERIOR: BARRICADE: WESTERN AVENUE
The Home Guard waves to SPUD'S commando, who all wave back.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXTERIOR: WESTERN AVENUE
The commando dashes by. Three Bren Carriers form a screen;
then the four 15-cwt trucks at careful intervals of about
100 yards, all travelling at full speed.
INTERIOR: FIRST TRUCK
TOMMY TUCKER sits by the DRIVER as Officer-Navigator to the
raid. He has maps of London but he knows the streets by heart.
The men crowded in the truck behind him with their weapons
all ready are as keen as mustard.
DRIVER
What's the objective, sir?
TOMMY
[[Boodles Club, 28 St James's Street]]
[Royal Bathers' Club, Piccadilly.]
You all know your stuff?
CHORUS
Yessir!
VOICE #1
What about Mata Hari?
VOICE #2
We'll beat her to it.
VOICE #3
I know a couple of short cuts after
Marble Arch.
[[TOMMY
Are the other trucks O.K.?
VOICE
Right behind us, sir.]]
[[INTERIOR: SECOND TRUCK
SPUD, the SERGEANT-MAJOR and STUFFY. His runner, his driver
and his batman, three other men armed with rifles. All look
grim and full of suppressed excitement. SPUD has a bandage
round his head and looks very cross.
S.M.
Barricade ahead, sir.
(Tense pause)
It's open!
EXTERIOR: BARRICADE: WESTERN AVENUE
It is manned and defended but not yet closed as it is only
six o'clock. SPUD'S commando is approaching. The Bren
Carriers rattle, their crews waving. Thedefending forces
wave back, innocently.]]
SEQUENCES 8 & 9 OUT
[INTERIOR: TRUCK
They see ANGELA'S car ahead in the London traffic.
VOICE
There she is! Get the other truck to
close up. See if you can pass her.
A taxi cuts in between the truck and the car.
VOICE
Blast that taxi! Steady, keep right
on his tail. Second left. We've got
her!
EXTERIOR: SANDBAGGED ENTRANCE OF ROYAL BATHERS' CLUB
ANGELA pauses for an instant at the club entrance, then rushes
in.]
.
SEQUENCES 10 & 11
Exterior and Interiors: Royal Bathers' Club
[[EXTERIOR: STREET SIGN
Impressive building. Street sign on frontage: 'St James's
Street. S.W.1.
Sound of violently applied brakes, off, as SPUD'S commando
arrives.]]
[SPUD stands at the club entrance, directing his men.
SPUD
Come on, Section No.2.
CHORUS
Yessir!
SPUD
No.3.
CHORUS
Yessir!
SPUD
You have your orders.]
INTERIOR: CLUB
The HALL PORTER glances up. [ANGELA is with him, on the
telephone. She dives beneath his desk when - ]
SPUD enters from the street, followed by STUFFY GRAVES, who
stays in the door where he can command exterior and interior.
SPUD comes up to PORTER with the urgent manner of one who
carries an important message.
SPUD
(To PORTER)
Is [[Major-]]General Wynne-Candy in
the Club?
PORTER
No, sir. The General left an hour
ago with Brigadier-General Caldicott
and Air Vice-Marshal Lloyd-Hughes.
SPUD
Did he say where he was going?
PORTER
Excuse me, sir, what is your business
with the General?
SPU
I have a message for him - an urgent
message.
PORTER
If you will give me the message,
sir, I will see that the General
gets it.
SPUD
But dammit all, man - !
(Suddenly changes
tone.)
Are you in the Home Guard?
PORTER
[[Are you]][Why], sir?
SPUD
(Low voice)
The password is 'Veuve Cliquot 1911'!
PORTER
(Salutes)
The General and his staff [[have
gone to]][are in] the Turkish Baths,
sir.
[[SPUD signs to STUFFY, who signals to street]]
[SPUD
(Blows whistle)
Right!]
[[EXTERIOR: ST JAMES'S STREET
From STUFFY'S angle we see two of the trucks and the men all
ready for action. STUFFY holds up two fingers. Two men
jump down and come running up.]]
INTERIOR: CLUB
The [[two]] men come in, carrying rifles and bayonets and go
up to SPUD and the PORTER.
SPUD
([To SERGEANT)
You're in charge up here.] Stay with
him.
(To PORTER)
Don't leave your [[cubby-hole]][desk]
or [[answer]][use] the phone. You're
a prisoner of war.
[PORTER
But war starts at midnight.
SPUD
Ah ha, that's what you think.
Sergeant, that girl under the desk:
she's a prisoner too.
SGT.
Sir!
SPUD
Corporal, follow me. Brute force and
ruddy ignorance.
CPL.
(To men)
Come on, after him — and double up.
DISSOLVE TO:]
[[SEQUENCE 12
Exterior: His Majesty's Theatre
SPUD'S commando dashes up and passes the Theatre.
DISSOLVE TO:
SEQUENCE 13
Exterior: Turkish Baths
A GIRL in A.T.S. uniform is telephoning from a public box
near the entrance.
SPUD'S commando sweeps up. This is the final objective.
They attack in strength, the trucks emptying like magic, the
Bren Carriers facing three ways along the street, their crews
ready. SPUD is the first out. His quick eye spots the girl.
SPUD
Sergeant-Major!
S.M.
Sir?
SPUD
See that girl in the phone-box?
S.M.
Yessire.
SPUD
Nail her in!
S.M.
Yessir. Owen!
SPUD without waiting to see his orders carried out, runs up
the steps of the Turkish Baths, where he stops and turns.
SPUD
Rice! Wimpey! Stand guard!
RICE
Sir.
WIMPEY
Sir.
SEQUENCES 14 & 15
Interior: Turkish Baths
THE HOTTEST ROOM
Through clouds of steam, half a dozen nude pink figures
scantily draped in towels, sit or recline at ease.]]
ATTENDANT'S DESK (OUTSIDE)
SPUD and his men crowd the entrance. The ATTENDANT stares
horrified at them. The telephone bell is ringing like mad.
SPUD
(To ATTENDANT)
[[You're a prisoner of war!]] [Don't
argue!] Wizard! Guard this man.
(He moves off.)
And answer that dam' phone!
WIZARD takes the receiver off, grimly covering the ATTENDANT
with his tommy-gun meanwhile. Over the receiver we hear an
excited GIRL'S voice. WIZARD plays up.
WIZARD
[Yes, miss.] Warn who, miss? General
Wynne-Candy, miss? Can't do that,
miss.
(Holds receiver away
from his ear as girl's
voice screams.)
[[GIRL'S VOICE What do you mean? I must speak to him!
Camera tracks swiftly into close shot of receiver. We can
hear plainly the Girl's voice and sound of hammering.
GIRL'S VOICE
(Evidently to SERGEANT-
MAJOR)
What are you doing? Stop it! How
dare you!
(She evidently kicks
the door of the booth)
Help! Police!
(Then back to the
telephone)
Porter! Hullo! Hullo!
WIZARD
Yes, miss.
(He listens)
Sorry, miss,]] the General's a
prisoner of war.
(Listens.)
[[Yes, miss. You're a prisoner of
war too.]] [And so are you.]
(Listens, then suddenly
gets impatient.)
You're NUTS! The War's over!
(He rings off.)
THE HOTTEST ROOM
SPUD and his merry men invade the room, guns and other weapons
in their hands.
They look strange and alarming in their battledress in the
incongruous setting.
SPUD peers through the steam. [[He sees his Final Objective,
SPUD
All right, boys! Surround 'em!]]
The commando at once invests the whole room. Some cover the
waking figures. Others guard the approaches, their backs to
the scene. Still others are seen through the glass partition
rounding up the attendants and some other bathers.
[SPUD
Qu-i-e-t! Quiet, please. You're all
prisoners. Now stay where you are.
(To ATTENDANT)
Where's General Wynne-Candy?
ATTENDANT
Who, sir?
SPUD
You heard. Now show me the way. Come
on.]
SPUD, almost frightened now that he has reached his objective,
advances with an obvious effort on the Final Objective: MAJOR-
GENERAL SIR CLIVE WYNNE-CANDY, v.c., D.S.O.
GENERAL WYNNE-CANDY is so like Colonel Blimp in appearance
that he must certainly have been the model who inspired David
Low.
He IS Blimp.
Here is the great face, the sweeping moustaches, the ivory-
domed head, the noble belly, even the little crease on his
fat chest.
In BLACK AND WHITE, Colonel Blimp is an awe-inspiring figure;
but in TECHNICOLOR! No wonder SPUD hesitates. He is sweating,
not only from the heat.
He stands a moment looking down at his sleeping prize. Then
he gently taps him on the shoulder.
SPUD
([To himself)
This is it.] Sir!
(Pause.)
SIR!
[GENERAL
(Eyes still closed)
Go away.
SPUD
General Wynne-Candy!]
Do you remember in Kipling's 'The White Seal', when the
diminutive Kotick by his barking, wakes Sea-Catch, the great
Walrus; how Sea-Catch starts awake, banging his neighbour
with his flipper and coughing and spluttering 'Eh? How? What?'
Even so wakes General Clive Wynne-Candy.)
GENERAL
Hm - What — Who is it?
SPUD
Lieutenant Wilson, sir. 2nd
Battalion, the [[Devonshires]]
[Loamshires], sir.
GENERAL
Hm!
(He is still half
asleep.)
What['s the matter]][do you want],
eh?
SPUD
Well, sir ... I'm afraid, sir ...
('After all, he is a
General.')
GENERAL
Well? - Say it, man! I've no time to
waste!
SPUD
(Relaxes and although
very hot begins at
last to enjoy himself)
Oh, yes, you have, sir!
GENERAL
I beg your pardon, sir?
SPUD
You've got all night, sir.
All round them the other members of the staff are waking.
They see the armed, clothed figures. The GENERAL stares at
SPUD as if he were a dangerous lunatic. He looks around for
help.
GENERAL
Attendant!
SPUD
I'm afraid he can't come.
GENERAL
(Pause.)
[[Can't come! Can't - attendant!]]
Why?
SPUD
He's a prisoner of war.
GENERAL
(Slowly)
What's going on here?
SPUD
Invasion[, sir.]
[[GENERAL
Do - you - know - who - you - are -
talking to, sir?
SPUD
Yes, sir. I am addressing Major-
General Clive Wynne-Candy, General
Officer Commanding the Home Guard,
exercise Beer-Mug, sir. You and
your staff are my prisoners.
ANOTHER GENERAL
(To CANDY)
I say, Suggie, this is a devil of a
mess!]]
GENERAL
(To SPUD)
But you damned young idiot, war starts
at midnight! Haven't you been told!
SPUD
(Inwardly trembling,
outwardly brazen)
Yes, sir. That's why we're here.
GENERAL
And may I ask [[again]], on-what-
authority?
SPUD
On the authority of these guns and
these men[, sir].
The GENERAL looks around him and takes in the whole outrageous
scene suddenly. He nearly has a fit. He gasps:
GENERAL
Authority — authority — how dare
you, sir — how dare you - [[I'll
have you for this - I'll - ]] GET
OUT OF HERE SIR YOU AND YOUR GANG OF
AWFUL MILITIA GANGSTERS [[I'LL HAVE
YOU]][GET OUT!]-
(He suddenly stops a
little helplessly.)
SPUD
(He gets things moving)
[[STUFFY!]][Popeye, guard these Men.]
[[STUFFY
YESSIR!]]
[POPEYE
YESSIR!]
SPUD
Stuffy. Go to the cubicles. Find
which is General Wynne-Candy's.
[[Threr'll be]][You'll find] a brown
pigskin case there. Bring it.
STUFFY
Yessir.
(Goes.)
GENERAL
But you can't do that! The code is
in that case! The whole Exercise
will be a farce if you have that
code!
SPUD
([[Furious; his men
have been insulted)
It's a farce already!]][Oh no, sir.
This is going to be the real thing,
sir.
GENERAL
But war starts at midnight.
SPUD
Oh yes]. You say, 'War starts at
midnight' - how do you know the enemy
says so too?
GENERAL
(Stares; then quite
mildly)
But my dear fellow, that was agreed,
wasn't it?
SPUD
(By now the sweat is
streaming off him
from heat and fury)
Agreed, my - foot! [[What's agreement
got to do with it?]] How many
agreements have been kept by the
enemy since this War started? [[Why
do we believe again and again what
they are telling us? Why have we
always waited for him at the front
of the house while he steals in
through the back door and kicks us
in the pants? Tell me why, sir.
SPUD reckless now, his uniform a sponge, dashes a bucketful
of sweat off his face and sweeps on.
SPUD
I'll tell you, sir! Because]]we
agree to keep the Rules of the Game,
[[that's why]] [and they keep kicking
us in the seat of the pants!][[Don't
forget another agreement]] When
[[we]] [I] joined the Army, [[we
agreed to defend our country by every
means at our disposal!]] [the only
agreement I entered into was to defend
my country by any means at my
disposal], not only by National
Sporting Club Rules but by every
means that has existed since Cain
slugged Abel!
[GENERAL
Stop ...]
SPUD
Don't we know they're counting on us
to keep to the Rules. Don't we know
it's a standing joke with them, that
they boast about it, that they -
GENERAL
STOP [IT]!
His parade voice has so much authority that he actually brings
SPUD to a dead stop.
GENERAL
Lieutenant Watson - or whatever your
name is — you are not [[on a
platform]]in Hyde Park with an
audience of [[tarts and]]loafers.
[[This is General Wyndham Cook.]] I
am Major-General Wynne-Candy. These
other gentlemen have all seen service,
distinguished service, with the
British Army!
SPUD
(Undaunted)
Well, all I can say is, sir, that
when Napoleon said an army marches
on its stomach [he must have been
thinking of old gentlemen like]] -
I'd better stop, sir!
GENERAL
(He is very angry,
but he sees that the
grand manner won't
help him)
You're an extremely impudent young
officer, sir. But let me tell you
that in forty years [time] you'll be
an old gentleman, too. And if your
belly keeps pace with your head,
you'll have a bigger one than any of
us!
SPUD
Maybe I shall. In forty years. But I
[[I'll bet that you were the same in
the last war. And forty years ago!]]
[I Doubt it. And I doubt if I'll
have time to grow a moustache like
yours, sir. But at least in 1983
I'll be able to say I was a fellow
of enterprise.]
This is too much for the GENERAL who drops forty years of
authority and experience like a cloak and goes for his
impudent young antagonist with his bare fists.
SPUD, devastated by heat, emotion and a wild desire to laugh,
weakly defends himself, moving hastily backwards before the
windmill attack of the GENERAL, who all the time is bellowing:
GENERAL
I'll punch your head for that, young
fellow! I'll punch your head! Put
'em up! D'you hear me?
(Grunt.)
Think you can say what you like to
an old 'un, do you? [[I'll teach
you!]] Do you know how many wars —
I've been in? I was fighting for my
country when your father was still
in bum-freezers!
(Smack — thud—grunt.)
[[You set up to teach me what a
soldier should or shouldn't do -
(he gets a bit tangled
up from the foam
like Venus)
- Pah!]] Puppy! Gangster![[I repeat!
Gangster!]]
At this point, SPUD'S retreating feet find air beneath them
and he falls backwards into the plunge-bath. Without
hesitation the GENERAL leaps in on top of him. The battle
continues in three and a half feet of cold water.
Clouds of steam ascend, hiding the combatants as it thickens.
Through the gathering clouds the voice of the GENERAL
continues to boom, but as the clouds thicken, the voice gets
fainter.
GENERAL
(Booming through the
steam)
[[What do you know about me?]] You
laugh at my big belly, but you don't
know how I got it - ! You laugh at
my moustache, but you don't know why
I grew it! -
(His voice grows
fainter.)
How do you know what sort of man I
was - when I was as young as you are
— forty years ago — forty years ago—
Blimp's — beg pardon — CANDY'S last words sound hollow and
faint. Already they are no longer real. The words hang in
the air, like the thick clouds of steam.
[[For a moment there is silence.
Then a full orchestra plays the opening chords of Brünhilde's
great and difficult soprano solo in Wagner's 'Walkury [sic].
The music breaks off.
Then a very real, ordinary young man's voice starts to sing
(very flat) the Aria, from somewhere nearby.
This voice belongs to 2ND LIEUTENANT HOPWELL.
Then another young man's voice with a familiar note in it
joins in the Aria from the plunge-bath.]] The clouds of steam
thin and clear away.
YOUNG CLIVE CANDY emerges from the pool.
SEQUENCES l6 & 17
Interior: Turkish Baths (1902)
THE HOTTEST ROOM
YOUNG CLIVE CANDY heaves himself out of the pool in one
movement. He is 26, very fit, full of impatience and
enthusiasm.
[ATTENDANT
Everything you want, Mr Candy, sir?
CLIVE
Yes, thank you.]
He knows every twist and turn in the [[Brünhilde]] [Mignon]
Aria which he declaims with Great vigour.
[An answering voice takes up the Aria. The curtains of a
cubicle part to reveal 2ND LIEUTENANT HOPWELL, in a turban,
singing at the top of his voice. They strike a pose together.]
A BLIMP OF THE PERIOD wakes up furious.
PERIOD BLIMP
Quiet! People are trying to sleep!
[[2ND LIEUTENANT HOPWELL stops singing and sits bolt upright
on the slab where he was being pummelled by the attendant.
HOPPY
Suggie?
CLIVE CANDY breaks off the Aria abruptly.]]
CLIVE
Hoppy! My old horse [[my antique
stallion]]! Since when are you in
London?
By this time they have met.
HOPPY
Got back yesterday. Sick leave. I've
been chasing you all over town.
(Awkwardly.)
I say, old chap, I was awfully sorry
to hear about your leg -
He has been avoiding looking down but now he does. His
sympathetic expression changes.
HOPPY
Jumping Jehosaphat! They're both
there!
CLIVE
What the hell did you think I was
standing on?
HOPPY
I thought you had a wooden leg.
CLIVE
Why should I have a wooden leg?
HOPPY
They told me in Bloemfontein that
they cut off your left leg.
They both examine attentively Clive's left leg. CLIVE shakes
his head.
CLIVE
Can't have, old boy. I'd have known
about it.
They both roar with laughter.
[[The two young men lower their voices but soon forget again.
CLIVE
I got it in the shoulder.
HOPPY
(Peers)
Can't see a thing. Now whose leg do
you suppose they really cut off?
CLIVE
It's the other one
(He means the shoulder)
HOPPY
(Looking at the leg)
What do you mean?
CLIVE
(Turning, showing angry scar) Here.
HOPPY
Oh, I see. So it is.
(Professionally)
Stop you playing polo?
CLIVE
Not much. Where are you putting up?
They have both raised their voices again.
HOPPY
Stayed at Horsey Loudon's last night -
you know he married little Nancy
Thingumabob?
CLIVE
No!
HOPPY
Fact! But I found out this morning
that they sport a phonograph. So I
said to Horsey - by the way, the old
boy's putting on weight - 'Sorry,
old man, thanks for the doss down
but phonographs are barred!'
CLIVE
(Nods solemnly)
Don't blame you. Serious matter -
phonographs.
HOPPY
(Grins)
I'd hate it to burst out one morning
with -
He sweeps once more into the Mignon Aria, at the top of his
lungs which are good. CLIVE joins in enthusiastically. His
lungs are also not negligible.
HOPPY
(During bar rest)
Mouldy pipes, you've got.
CLIVE
Mouldy? My pipes?
(He pulls out all the
stops.)
INTERIOR: CUBICLES
PERIOD BLIMP tears open his curtain.
PERIOD BLIMP
(Yells)
Attendant! Attendant! Confound it!
I'll never get to sleep again. Stop
that confounded Covent Garden
CATERWAULING!!
CLIVE
(Very pleased)
See! My pipes!
PERIOD BLIMP'S VOICE
My shoes!
CLIVE
(Shouts)
Don't go, sir! We're evacuating!
(Breaks into song.)
'Cherries so red! Strawberries ripe!
(HOPPY joins in.)
At home of course they'll be storming.
(Linking arms.)
Never mind the abuse!
(Marching off.)
You've had the excuse! You've BEEN
TO COVENT GARDEN IN THE MORNING!'
PERIOD BLIMP'S VOICE
My shoes!
2ND BLIMP
Quiet!
3RD BLIMP
Stop that noise! Attendant!
PERIOD BLIMP
MY SHOES!!]]
DISSOLVE TO:
SEQUENCE 18
Interior: Royal Bathers Club
ENTRANCE HALL
The inner doors open and the two friends come marching out
in the same tempo, very pleased with themselves, in colourful
smart uniforms, their great-coats over their shoulders, their
caps and swords at a dashing angle, looking as if they had
just stepped out of a bandbox. They adjust their gloves.
CLIVE
Call a cabby, porter!
PORTER
Yes, sir.
([Signals to DOORMAN.])
HOPPY
Hansom, mind! Growlers barred.
PORTER
[[Of course]] [He knows], sir.
[[PORTER]] [DOORMAN] runs out and we hear him blow his
whistle. There is a blast of cold wind as the door swings.
It is a wintry day in January.
CLIVE
(Yawns)
Could have done with a nap myself.
HOPPY
You've got all night, haven't you?
CLIVE
[[Must go]] [Going] to the theatre
tonight.
HOPPY
Can't you sleep there?
CLIVE
Invited. Two ladies.
HOPPY
Can I come along?
CLIVE
One is the mother.
HOPPY understands.
Meanwhile sound of clop-clopping, 'Whoa!'etc. The [[PORTER]]
[DOORMAN] reappears, shivering and blowing on his hands to
warm them.
[[PORTER
Hansom, gentlemen.]]
[DOORMAN
Your cab, sir.]
But before they can move, the inner doors are flung open
again and out storms the PERIOD BLIMP, in the uniform of a
Major-General, which at that time was even more gorgeous
than at present. The two young officers click heels, and
give him a terrific salute. He acknowledges and is about to
pass when he recognizes them. They remain stiffly at
attention. He has them on toast.
PERIOD BLIMP
Ha! The opera-singers, eh? No wonder
civilians are grumbling about the
Army! Ought to be ashamed of
yourselves - yelling and screaming
like some damned foreigner! A nice
state of things! Officers and men
losing their lives in South Africa
while young officers are roaring
about public places like drunkards -
(A sudden idea strikes
him.)
Perhaps you are drunk.
(Goes closer, sniffing.)
[[Let me smell your breath!
(sniffs)
As he speaks, someone comes in from outside. The wind blows
CLIVE'S coat aside, where it hangs over his chest.]]
[CLIVE adjusts his helmet, causing his cloak to fall back,]
revealing a scarlet ribbon, ornamented with a Maltese Cross.
The MAJOR-GENERAL [i.e. PERIOD BLIMP] stares. The young
officers stand like ramrods.
PERIOD BLIMP
Eh? What's this?
CLIVE
V[[ictoria]] C[[ross]], sir.
PERIOD BLIMP
Where d'you get it, eh?
CLIVE
South Africa - [Jordaan Siding],
sir. [[Windhoek.]]
PERIOD BLIMP
You're Candy, 'Sugar' Candy?
CLIVE
Yes, sir.
PERIOD BLIMP
Hm! [[Heard of you!]]
(Pause.)
Good show, Candy.
He holds out his hand. They shake hands.
CLIVE
Thank you, sir.
He looks at HOPPY.
HOPPY
[[2nd Lieutenant]] Hopwell, sir.
PERIOD BLIMP
Hopwell-Hopwell! [What,] Son of
Barney Hopwell of the 66th?
HOPPY
Yes, sir.
PERIOD BLIMP
(Shakes hands)
Glad to know you, my boy.
(Surveys them.)
You're very musical[[, you two]]?
HOPPY
No, sir.
[PERIOD BLIMP
(To CLIVE)
And so are you.]
CLIVE
[[You mean the Brünhilde Aria, Sir?]]
[D'you mean Mignon, sir, 'I am
Titania'?]
PERIOD BLIMP
[[Whathlde]][You're what?]
CLIVE
[[Brünhilde]][Titania], sir. We two
were shut up with her in a blockhouse
for seven months near Jordaan Siding—
PERIOD BLIMP
(Fogged)
[[With Matilda?]] [I beg your pardon?]
CLIVE
[[Brühilde, sir. Character in opera
by Wagner.]] [It's an aria, sir.] We
had a phonograph and we broke every
record but this one. We know it by
heart.
PERIOD BLIMP
Hahahaha! [[Dashed good.]]
(Moves to the door.)
Well, are you boys going to the
(inaudible word)
CLIVE
Yes, sir.
PERIOD BLIMP
That's where I'm lying.
EXTERIOR: CLUB STEPS
[PERIOD BLIMP
Can I give you a lift?
CLIVE opens the hansom door for him.
CLIVE
No thank you, sir. We have a cab.
The GENERAL gets into their cab.
GENERAL
(To CAB DRIVER)
St James's Palace.
CAB DRIVER
Right, sir.]
PERIOD BLIMP
Well, I hope you two [[lads]][boys]
enjoy your leave: you've earned it.
CLIVE
Thank you, sir. [Mind yourself on
the door, sir.]
[[They give another terrific salute as the GENERAL rolls
out. They prepare to follow. Sound of cab driving away.]]
They [[look out]][look at one another].
HOPPY
The old horse thief!
CLIVE
[[Porter]] [Boy]! Another hansom!
[[Outside, the PORTER]] [The DOORMAN] blows his whistle.
SEQUENCE 19
[[Interior: Hansom Cab.]] [Exterior: In Front of Club]
[[The complete change of atmosphere and period is conveyed
by the leisurely progress and the absence of the internal
combustion engine. All around one hears only the clop-clopping
of innumerable hoofs, with occasional snatches of sound,
such as a barrel-organ playing 'You are my Honey,
Honeysuckle'. CLIVE sits, muffled up, contentedly looking
at the pageant of the town. HOPPY is apparently looking for
something in his pockets.]]
[CLIVE and HOPPY cross the road to a HOT POTATO SELLER'S
cart.
HOT POT SELLER
Hot potatoes, sir?
HOPPY
No, we've just come over for a warm.
(An early automobile
passes.)
CLIVE
(To HOPPY)
You ever ridden in one?
HOPPY
Rather. All the way to Epsom.
CLIVE
Lovely lines, hasn't she?
HOPPY
Topping.]
CLIVE
(Deep breath)
Same beastly [[raw]] drizzle! Same
[[old slush]] [fog] and soot! Good
old London!
HOPPY
([Looks for something
in his pockets])
Now listen, Suggie! Remember that
interview you gave The Times'?
CLIVE
You don't mean to say you read it?
HOPPY
Me? No! But I have a niece[[.She]] -
[who] has a governess [[and the
governess]] [who] has a sister.
CLIVE
Pretty?
HOPPY
[[I don't know her from Adam.]] Never
laid eyes on her. But she read it.
CLIVE
(Frowns)
Who?
HOPPY
My niece's governess's sister. In
Berlin. So she wrote to her sister
here, who gave the letter to my niece
to give to me to give to you. [See?]]
CLIVE
(Concentrates)
Who do I give it to?
HOPPY
Nobody. It's for you. Here it is.
CLIVE
(Takes it gingerly)
Why [[me]]?
HOPPY
[Well,] read it[, you big ape].
You'll [[see]] [find out]. It's
interesting.
DISSOLVE TO:
[TEXT OF EDITH'S LETTER:
'... tales of atrocities by our soldiers against the Boers
are being printed by these odious newspapers and encouraged
by certain high personages who are determined to foment
trouble between Germany and England. There is one agent, in
particular, named KAUNITZ who is a LIAR and SCOUNDREL! Now
this Lieut. Candy sounds a splendid fellow and he is just
returned from South Africa. If only he would come to Berlin
and TELL THE TRUTH! That would do more good than a hundred
interviews! Do you not think, my dear Martha, that Mr.
Hopwell would be likely to know this young officer. I seem
to remember that he noted the same name in one of his...']
[[SEQUENCE 20
Exterior: Hansom, Her Majesty's Theatre
Effect shot of the facade of Her Majesty's Theatre. The
Hansom bowls by with the two young officers in it.
DISSOLVE TO:
SEQUENCES 21, 22, 23
The War Office The War Office has been finished the year
before and, besides being brand new, was regarded as the
tops in official architecture.
STAIRCASE
One of the great staircases surrounding the cage where the
latest thing in lifts had just been installed. CLIVE and
HOPPY run up the staircase, three steps at a time.
DISSOLVE TO:
.
CORRIDOR
One of the interminable corridors. CLIVE and HOPPY arrive at
the door of an office. HOPPY gives CLIVE an encouraging
gesture. CLIVE knocks and goes in.
DISSOLVE TO:]]
COLONEL BETTERIDGE'S OFFICE [HIS NAME ON THE DOOR]
The COLONEL is about fifty, pleasant but very uncompromising
on questions of army etiquette. He detests pauses in
conversation. [Another officer, MAJOR PLUMLEY, shares his
office and says little.]
CLIVE stands before his desk.
BETTERIDGE
Sit down!
CLIVE
(Sits)
Thank you, sir.
BETTERIDGE
Fire away!
CLIVE
Well, sir, I have a friend--
BETTERIDGE
Good. Not everybody can say that.
Continue!
CLIVE
This friend of mine, sir, has a niece--
BETTERIDGE
(Examines CLIVE'S
application for
appointment)
Cut it short, my boy, you say here
it's about a letter. One, who wrote
it? Two, what's in it? Three, what's
the War Office got to do with it?
Four, I'll tell you. Five, Out!
(He gestures towards
door, fixes CLIVE,
barks:)
One!
CLIVE
(Hurriedly)
A girl wrote it from Berlin, sir.
Her name is Edith Hunter. She's a
governess there.
BETTERIDGE
[Rather an] Uncomfortable billet
just now.
CLIVE
That's just it, sir. They hate us in
Germany. They are spreading propaganda
all over Europe that we are killing
women and children in South Africa,
that we are starving them in
concentration camps, shooting mothers,
burning babies - you wouldn't believe
the things they have invented! I
spoke this afternoon to Conan Doyle.
He thinks something ought to be done
about it too.
BETTERIDGE
About what? [[Where does this letter
of yours come in?]] [What's all this
about a letter?] And who's Conan
Doyle?
CLIVE
The author chap, sir-writes the
Sherlock Holmes , stories in the
Strand Magazine.
The COLONEL at last shows some animation and interest.
BETTERIDGE
This Doyle fellow writes the Sherlock
Holmes stories?
CLIVE
Yes, sir. Conan Doyle. You must have
seen his name.
BETTERIDGE
Never heard of him. But I've read
every Sherlock Holmes story since
they started in July '91.
CLIVE
(Eagerly; he also is
a fan)
Are you reading The Hound of the
Baskervilles, sir?
BETTERIDGE
Am I not! What did you think of the
end of the last instalment?
CLIVE
Bit of a facer for poor old Watson,
sir.
BETTERIDGE
(Laughs and recites:)
'A lovely evening, my dear Watson. I
really think you will be more
comfortable outside than in.'
(Laughs.)
Sarcastic devil, that [fellow] Holmes.
I once had a C.O. just like him.
[[This Conan Doyle]] [He] must be
[[a sound sort of]] [rather a good]
fellow, as authors go.
CLIVE
(Encouraged)
Well, sir, Mr Conan Doyle is
collecting material about our campaign
in South Africa to counter German
propaganda. The Times printed an
interview with me about seven weeks
ago -
BETTERIDGE
That's bad. Good rule to keep out of
the papers. Still The Times is a bit
different.
[MAJOR PLUMLEY
(Murmurs agreement)
Mmm, yes.]
CLIVE
Yes, sir. I mentioned in the interview
the name of a place called Jordaan
Siding. I spent seven months there.
Now this girl writes from Berlin
that the worst stories of all are
being put about by a fellow called
Kaunitz who says he saw with his own
eyes British soldiers kill two hundred
and fifty women and children at
Jordaan Siding in order to save
feeding them!
BETTERIDGE
Do you know this fellow Kaunitz?
CLIVE
Of course, sir. He's the most awful
little [[skunk]] [rat]! He was spying
for us, he was spying for the Boers,
he made South Africa too hot for
himself and skipped. Both sides would
have shot him if they'd caught him.
BETTERIDGE
I see. Now what do you want me to
do?
CLIVE
(Enthusiastically)
My leave isn't up for four weeks,
sir. Why shouldn't I go to Berlin
and confront this little rat? I'll
soon-
BETTERIDGE
(Shocked)
My dear boy - first of all, it's not
done. This isn't Army business, it's
Embassy. Leave politics to the
politicians. You wouldn't like a
diplomat to come charging into the
front line with your company, would
you?
CLIVE
It might do him a lot of good!
BETTERIDGE
(Standing up)
Juvenile nonsense, my lad!
CLIVE
(At once standing
also)
Sorry, sir!
[[BETTERIDGE
That's right Candy. Never go off at
half-cock, my boy. Keep cool. Keep
your mouth shut. Avoid politicians,
like the plague. That's the way to
get on in the army.
CLIVE
Yes, sir.]]
BETTERIDGE
You were [[given leave]] [sent home]
in order to recuperate. Your country
needs you. Play golf?
CLIVE
Yes, sir.
BETTERIDGE
What's your form?
CLIVE
About ten, sir.
BETTERIDGE
(Satisfied)
Care for a game?
CLIVE
Sorry, sir. I'm invited by Lady Gilpin
to Leicestershire. Start tomorrow.
BETTERIDGE
Well, enjoy yourself.
Telephone rings. MAJOR PLUMLEY answers, but soon : loses
interest in the call while he listens to the following
exchange. They move towards the door.
BETTERIDGE
By-the-way, [[this fellow]] - this
author chap.
[CLIVE
Author chap?
BETTERIDGE
This fellow] who wrote The Hound of
the Baskervilles -
CLIVE
[[Yes, sir?]] Conan Doyle.
BETTERIDGE
[Yes.] You didn't happen to ask him,
by any chance, what happens in the
next instalment?
[MAJOR PLUMLEY
(To his caller)
Just a moment.]
CLIVE
Yes, sir. There's another murder!
BETTERIDGE
(Very concerned)
Not the Baronet?
CLIVE
No, sir. The Baronet is safe.
BETTERIDGE
(Relieved)
[Good,] I'm glad -
He opens the door [[and CLIVE goes]]. [MAJOR PLUMLEY is
equally relieved.]
CORRIDOR
[FIRST PASSER-BY
Warm for January.
SECOND PASSER-BY
Damn cold I call it.
BETTERIDGE closes the door, then opens it again to give CLIVE
parting advice.
BETTERIDGE
Take my tip, my boy. You've got a
damn good V.C., now keep quiet for a
bit, eh?
He closes the door. CLIVE whistles 'Titania' as he joins
HOPPY.] HOPPY is very curious. CLIVE jerks his head and they
walk down the corridor as they talk.
HOPPY
Well? What did he say?
[[CLIVE
(Sardonically)
'Lovely evening, my dear Watson!'
HOPPY
What?
CLIVE
(Same tone)
'You'll be more comfortable outside
than in'
HOPPY
You're cracked. Did he say you could
go?
CLIVE
(Scornfully)
'Leave politics to the politicians!'
HOPPY
(Exasperated)
Are you going or aren't you?
CLIVE
(Stops)
Yes!
HOPPY
With or without approval?
CLIVE
Well, he didn't say I couldn't.
They look at each other.
CLIVE
If I ask somebody else, they may
forbid me to go.
(Pause]])
Look here, do you want to go to the
Theatre tonight?
HOPPY
Well I like that you said -
CLIVE
Never mind what I said.
(He shows ticket.)
Here! Box A, Her Majesty's Theatre.
'The Last of the Dandies'. Introduce
yourself to Lady Gilpin - tell them
I had to go on [[Secret Service]]
[some secret mission] - make me out
a mysterious romantic figure. The
girl's [[nice]] [pretty], the mother's
a Gorgon.
CLIVE starts off again at a great pace, HOPPY, dazed but
obedient, panting after him.
HOPPY
[[You mean you're going straight
away?]] Are you going on a secret
mission?
CLIVE
[[Of course.]] [Yes, to Berlin.
HOPPY
Did he send you?
CLIVE
No, it's a secret from him too.]
[[HOPPY
But - how will you go?
CLIVE
Cab, Boat-train, boat, another train -
they must have trains in Germany as
well as here. Fitzroy is some sort
of Secretary at the Berlin Embassy.
I'll wire him I'm coming and I'll
wire the girl from my hotel.
HOPPY
Hotel...?
CLIVE
Well, they must have hotels in Berlin,
too.]]
[[SEQUENCE 24
Kaiserhof Hotel, Berlin
INSERT: a primitive coloured postcard of the Wilhelmplatz.
CLIVE'S pen makes an X where the Kaiserhof Hotel stands on
the corner of the Mohrenstrasse.
CLIVE'S ROOM
It is not the best room in the hotel but it is all right.
The window looks out over the railway station, from below
comes the sound of locomotives, etc. It is snowing outside.
The room is cold and CLIVE has his overcoat over his shoulders
and a rug round his legs. He is, of course, in mufti. The
time is 9.30 in the morning.
CLIVE is writing picture postcards. Several are lying on the
table beside him. He is whistling: 'You are my Honey,
Honeysuckle, I am the Bee!'
INSERT: postcard. CLIVE writes: 'Dear Hoppy, Have outspanned
at the Kaiserhof Hotel. Berlin is bigger than I thought.
Have not seen Miss You-Know-Who yet but -'
A knock at the door
CLIVE
(Calls)
Come in!
Nothing happens.
CLIVE frowns and hunts on the table. He picks up a slip of
paper on which he has written the most necessary phrases for
everyday use during his stay in Germany. The German is written
phonetically with the English translation opposite.
INSERT: CLIVE'S emergency list.
CLIVE
(Reading from list,
in awful German,
very loud)
Cumman zee hairin!
The door opens. A PAGE comes in with a salver and a card.
PAGE
Das Fräulein wartet im kleinen Salon.
CLIVE
(Understands not one
word but reads card)
Fraulein - Edith Hunter - here?
PAGE
Jawohl - im kleinen Salon - klein!
(Gestures with hand
to show 'klein' means
'little'.)
Klein - Salon!
CUT TO:]]
[SEQUENCE 24
Royal Bathers' Club
HOPPY enters as the PORTER is putting a Berlin postcard on
the letter board.
HOPPY
Morning, Preedy. Did you send those
flowers?
PREEDY
Yes, sir. Oh, Mr Hopwell, there's a
postcard for you, sir.
HOPPY
From Mr Candy, ha.
PREEDY
How is Mr Candy?
HOPPY
Read it for yourself,
(He rushes off.)
PREEDY Reads.
INSERT: 'My dear Watson, Have outspanned at Kaiserhof Hotel.
Sherlock Holmes.']
SEQUENCES 25 & 26
Kaiserhof Hotel, Berlin
LITTLE SALON
It is a pleasant little room, decorated and furnished in
rococo style.
EDITH HUNTER is [[seated composedly on a sofa in the centre
of the room]] [pacing impatiently]. She is very neat; and
well, though not extravagantly dressed. She is what was known
in 1902 as a 'New Woman': which meant that she intended to
live her own life and knew her own mind. She has character
to back it up; and brains. The sedateness of her appearance
is mitigated by little crystals of snow, melting and
glistening in her hair and on her furs.
STAIRCASE
At the bottom of the main staircase, outside the Little Salon.
[[CLIVE comes down at breakneck speed, halts abruptly at the
foot of the stairs, glances sharply but with secret approval
at his manly figure in a full-length mirror and continues
with equal impetuosity into the Little Salon.]]
PAGE
(To CLIVE)
Das 1st die Dame in demkleinen Salon.
LITTLE SALON
CLIVE enters and stops. EDITH standing inclines her head.
CLIVE bows.
EDITH
[[You are Lieutenant Candy]] [Mr
Candy], I believe.
CLIVE
[[In England. Here I'm plain Mister.
You are Miss Hunter?]] [Miss Hunter?]
EDITH
Yes. Thank you for your telegram. It
came as a great surprise to me. I
had no idea you were in Berlin.
CLIVE
Nor had I until now.
EDITH
I beg your pardon.
CLIVE
I only arrived yesterday.
EDITH
(Stares)
Do you — can you possibly mean that
you have come solely on account of
my letter?
CLIVE
Well - naturally.
EDITH
(She is rather
overwhelmed.)
Oh!
CLIVE
(Concerned)
You don't mind - do you?
EDITH
(Recovering)
No. Of course not.
CLIVE
Well...
(She still stares,
forgetting her
manners.)
Shall we sit down?
They sit. He waits for her to speak. Neither is a great
conversationalist.
EDITH
Did you have a good journey?
CLIVE
Excellent.
(Pause.)
I'm sorry to bring you out in such
weather. I was about to call on you.
EDITH
I have changed my address.
CLIVE
Indeed?
EDITH
Yes. My position became intolerable.
I have had to leave.
CLIVE
No.
EDITH
(Nods)
English people are not very popular
in Berlin at the moment you know.
CLIVE
Do you mean that you had to give up
your job because you are English?
EDITH
Yes.
CLIVE
Can you get another job?
EDITH
Perhaps. In a few months' time. Not
now.
CLIVE
Well, what are you going to do now...
EDITH
Go back.
CLIVE
To England?
EDITH
(Nods again, very
dejected)
I'm afraid so.
CLIVE
Cheer up! England isn't as bad as
all that.
EDITH
(Her eyes flash)
That is what we both want to prove,
isn't it, Mr Candy?
CLIVE
(Stirred)
Yes, Miss Hunter.
EDITH
How shall we begin?
There is a pause. Both frown in concentration.
CLIVE
You mentioned in your letter a man
called Kaunitz. Do you know what he
looks like?
EDITH
I've never seen him.
[[CLIVE
Because if he's the same fellow I
hope he is, I'd like a word with
him.]]
EDITH
I know a cafe where he and his friends
have their Stammtisch - it means
they have a table regularly reserved
for them there... a kind of...
CLIVE
(Not interested in
the niceties of
translation, cuts in)
Do you know any of his friends, Miss
Hunter?
EDITH
(A little put out)
Yes, one. A student, the brother of
my employer -
(She smiles ruefully)
My ex-employer. He is a
Burschenschafter. Do you know what
'Burschenschafts' are?
CLIVE
('This girl is a bit
of a blue-stocking.
Pity. She's pretty.')
No, Miss Hunter.
EDITH
They are Associations of Students
professing Political Principles.
They assert them by drinking beer
and fighting duels.
CLIVE
[[I see.]] Duelling is very popular
here, I believe?
EDITH
Oh, yes. It's a proud father that
has a scarred son, and vice-versa.
German girls find scars very
attractive.
CLIVE is a little shocked by this open reference to sex-
attraction. EDITH is quite detached.
EDITH
A book was published recently on the
German colonies in which it was
specifically stated that one of the
advantages of possessing duelling-
scars was that the natives of Africa
look with more respect upon white
men who bear them than upon those
who do not.
CLIVE
(Gapes)
I feel like Stanley and Livingstone.
EDITH
Surely not both, Mr Candy.
CLIVE
No, of course not. You are Miss
Livingstone.
(Laughs.)
I'm the missionary!
EDITH
Coldly Livingstone was the missionary,
Mr Candy.
CLIVE
(Rather dashed; he
begins to think EDITH
a horrid girl)
Ah - yes — of course he was.
(Pause.)
Well, what about this cafe? Can you
take me there tonight?
EDITH
Do you wish me to accompany you?
CLIVE
Well, of course.
EDITH
(Rises)
Very well.
CLIVE
(Flounders)
I mean - it's awfully kind of you -
I'd obviously be absolutely lost
without you.
EDITH
(Having asserted
herself is now
disposed to be nice
to this good-looking
but over-assertive
young man. She smiles
charmingly)
[[Then you are Livingstone after
all, Mr Candy.]] [Then, Mr Candy,
you are Livingstone, I presume.]
(She frankly holds
out her hand. He
shakes it firmly.)
DISSOLVE TO:
[[SEQUENCE 27
Exterior: British Embassy, Berlin
A brass plate covered with snow. A gloved band wipes it clean
revealing the inscription.
DISSOLVE TO:
.
SEQUENCE 28
Interior: British Embassy, Berlin
OFFICE OF 'BABY-FACE' FITZROY
It is the smallest and most inconvenient office in the
Embassy. It is a very odd shape. It connects by a multitude
of doors with the offices of other Secretaries, still minor,
but far more important than MR FITZROY.
This statement of fact and opinion is, needless to say, not
shared by MR FITZROY, who has a very great idea of his own
importance.
As the scene opens, he is seated at his desk, impeccably and
officially dressed (above-desk) in black coat, starched collar
and cuffs, grey tie, etc. from which we can deduce the neat
striped trousers and patent leather shoes (below desk.
A pile of letters lies before him which he is hastily reading
and then stamping with the Embassy stamp (but not, of course,
signing or initialling. He contrives to make the simple action
look portentous and when he pauses and scrutinizes one of
the letters and puts it aside for consideration, one feels
that the unfortunate Subject involved has practically
forfeited his national status.
CLIVE sits, patiently waiting, opposite BABY-FACE, who had
been a very junior contemporary of his at Harrow. He is
impressed, as was intended, by his host's show of importance.
The door to the waiting room opens and YENNING, an old clerk,
puts his head in, evidently not for the first time.
YENNING
(Pleading)
Mr Fitzroy!
BABY-FACE
All right, Yenning, I'm coming...
YENNING fades away. CLIVE stands up.
CLIVE
Look here, old man, I'll come back
another time. I didn't know you were
as busy as all this.
BABY-FACE
Always on Tuesdays...
CLIVE
When can we get together?
BABY-FACE
What about Saturday? We could have a
drink or something...
CLIVE
I'll be on my way back by then. Well,
Baby-Face,
(MR FITZROY winces)
Pity you're so busy. I wanted to
have a talk with you.
He looks round as a Secretary crosses from one door to the
other, stepping over MR FITZROY en route.
CLIVE
You must feel like Baden-Powell in
Mafeking ...
BABY-FACE
Eh?
CLIVE
... besieged on all sides.
BABY-FACE
Oh! You mean that crowd in the waiting
room?
VENNING:
(Fading in)
Five past, Mr Fitzroy.
(Fading out.)
BABY-FACE:
All right, Yenning.
(To CLIVE)
Well, they'll have to wait that's
all. I'll tell Yenning to take you
out the back way so that you won't
be bothered by them.
CLIVE
They don't bother me. They prove I
was right to come here.
BABY-FACE
Why? Are you working for Thomas Cook?
CLIVE
What the deuce d'you mean?
BABY-FACE
Well, they all want to go back to
England, they? How do I know what
you mean?
CLIVE
(Patiently)
If you'll listen I'll tell you. They
want to go back because they've lost
their jobs. Why have they lost their
jobs? Because of anti-British
propaganda. Because of liars like
Kaunitz.
BABY-FACE:
(Pauses, stamp in air)
Kaunitz? Who's he?
CLIVE
Don't you ever read the papers, man?
BABY-FACE
We have a Press Attache who ...
CLIVE
(Getting warm)
But you ought to know about him
yourself. It's his lies that are
filling your waiting room. Don't you
know that he's accusing us of
murdering women and children in South
Africa?
BABY-FACE
What do you mean 'us'? I haven't
murdered anybody.
CLIVE
US! you silly ass! US, the British
Army!
BABY-FACE
(Surprised)
Are you in the Army?
CLIVE
(Furious)
Yes, I am! And I've been in South
Africa! And I know Kaunitz, if nobody
else does in this place that calls
itself an Embassy!
BABY-FACE
My dear Suggie, don't get so
excited...
CLIVE
(Parade voice)
Shut up! And STAND UP when I speak
to you!
CLIVE has not been through a Subaltern's War for nothing.
Bray-Face shoots to his feet as if he'd been kicked from
below, revealing that, below desk, he is wearing a pair of
heavy tweed knickerbockers. CLIVE stares then deliberately
walks round and inspects him. It is further revealed that he
has thick stockings and heavy boots with skates attached to
them, which makes it difficult to be impressive when standing.
CLIVE
Ye Gods and Little Fishes! Skates!
What is this! The British Embassy or
a Winter Sports' Club?
BABY-FACE
(Caught bending)
I was just trying them on when you
came in. (He tries to regain his
important tone.) I have to go skating
with the daughter of the Second
Secretary. I'm late already...
He sits down again. But CANDY is still furious. He leans
over the desk to within a few inches of the startled young
man's face.
CLIVE
(Ferociously)
I hope you break your silly neck!
And the silly neck of the silly Second
Secretary's silly pudding-faced
daughter! And now I'm going to find
Kaunitz and pull his nose for him -
HARD! Goodbye.
CLIVE whirls round and the slam of the door almost rocks the
building. BABY-FACE stares after CLIVE, stunned. VENNING re-
opens the door.
VENNING
Ten past, Mr Fitzroy.
BABY-FACE
(Blankly)
He's mad! Absolutely mad! We were
at Harrow together, Yenning. All
this nonsense about Kaunitz.
Suddenly his expression changes. He has just realized the
implications of CLIVE'S remarks about Kaunitz.
BABY-FACE
KAUNITZ! But I say! He must be
stopped! He's going to make an awful
scandal! Just now, too! Stop him,
Yenning! Stop him!
BABY-FACE rushes forward himself, forgetting his skates,
which promptly catch in the carpet and trip him up. He falls.
BABY-FACE
(Wails)
Oh, damn these skates!
DISSOLVE TO:
SEQUENCE 29
Interior: British Embassy, Berlin
OFFICE OF SECOND SECRETARY
The time is about half an hour later. The SECOND SECRETARY
is a diplomat de carriere, cool, reasonable, about forty-
five.
BABY-FACE FITZROY sits to one side. CLIVE faces the SECRETARY
who is making a note.
2ND SECRETARY
(Looking up and laying
down his quill pen)
Yes - my dear Candy - I think I
understand. It's not a bad idea.
Unfortunately there are complications.
CLIVE
It seemed clear enough to me.
2ND SECRETARY
(Smiles)
Yet there are one or two things you
may not know.
(It is a charming
smile.)
First there is the 'Alldeutscher
Verband'.
CLIVE
Yes, sir. I've heard about them.
2ND SECRETARY
Indeed? From whom?
CLIVE
From a young lady who lost her job
because of anti-British propaganda.
2ND SECRETARY
Ah, yes, I see. Then she will have
told you that the whole propaganda
against us is party-politics - a
slogan for the banner of this
Alldeutscher Verband. The German
Government has officially condemned
it.
CLIVE
But how about all these mass-meetings,
sir - in Cologne and Dresden - how
do we know how the German People --
2ND SECRETARY
Let us leave the German People out
of it, shall we? In Germany there is
only one man who counts: the Kaiser;
and the Kaiser desires only the
friendliest relations with England.
CLIVE
He's got a funny way of showing it.
2ND SECRETARY
I assure you it is true. But let me
come to my second point. I propose
to make you a present of a piece of
highly confidential information.
(Impressively.)
The Prince of Wales is coming to
Berlin.
CLIVE
(Surprised)
No! When?
2ND SECRETARY
On the 27th of January. I repeat
this is strictly in confidence. The
official reason is the Kaiser's
birthday party. But it has been
arranged that both His Royal Highness
and His Imperial Majesty will make a
speech; and their speeches will put
the seal on the agreements of
friendship between the two countries.
(He smiles winningly.)
So you see what harm your solitary
exploit might do, Candy. Not that I
don't admire your pluck - especially,
may I say, as a soldier on active
service, who certainly needs a permit
to cross the Channel...
CLIVE
I am not on active service, sir. I
am on sick leave.
2ND SECRETARY:
Oh, we know all about you. There are
not many Candys with the V.C.
CLIVE is silent.
2ND SECRETARY
You see, a soldier who has won the
V.C. is not an ordinary soldier. His
views, like his deeds, receive more
attention than those of the average
man. So, should trouble result from
your actions here, it would be more
than average trouble.
(Pause.)
Well?
CLIVE
(Slowly)
Of course, sir, if His Royal Highness
the Prince of Wales is...
2ND SECRETARY
Exactly. That is the correct attitude
and, after all, you could hardly
have known about it, could you?
(He has looked at his
watch.)
You have missed the afternoon train.
Pity. It's an excellent train. But
you can take it tomorrow.
(To BABY-FACE)
Why don't you show Candy the town
tonight, Fitzroy ? You could take
him to the Opera!
CLIVE
Thank you, sir, but I have an
appointment tonight.
MR FITZROY'S face is an undiplomatic mirror. He is extremely
relieved at CLIVE'S refusal. The SECOND SECRETARY stands,
bringing the two young men to their feet. He shakes hands
with CLIVE.
2ND SECRETARY
It was an idea of yours, Candy.
Don't run away with the idea that I
think it isn't. But, next time, do
ask the advice of some older man.
(He smiles.)
Experientia docet, you know. Take
advantage of the experience of age.
Goodbye, my boy! A pleasant crossing!
CLIVE
Thank you, sir.
He starts for the door.
2ND SECRETARY
(To BABY-FACE)
Show Candy the way out, Fitzroy, and
then come back. I want a word with
you.
BABY-FACE
Yes, sir.
CLIVE
Thank you I know the way out.
He is gone, without a glance at BABY-FACE.
SEQUENCE 30
Interior: British Embassy, Berlin
WAITING ROOM
CLIVE comes out of the SECOND SECRETARY'S office, shutting
the door behind him. He pauses at what he sees.
There are three rows of benches, all crowded with people,
mostly professional classes, business men, schoolteachers,
governesses, people who have been compelled to give up their
jobs because of the anti-British feeling. They are a lost-
looking ' bunch of people. They look up as CLIVE comes out.
After a second's pause, CLIVE crosses the room. He gives the
impression that he does not dare to look these people in the
face. Fade out.]]
SEQUENCES 31 & 32
Cafe Hohenzollern, Berlin
It is a typical big Berlin musical cafe. It has two floors,
an upper and a lower, connected by a wide shallow staircase
covered with red carpet. The time is about 9 p.m. and people
are crowding in through the wide doors from the wintry street
outside. It is still snowing. The Porter outside carries a
huge, open umbrella.
The Patrons of the Cafe are mostly from the middle class and
upwards. Students are there in their coloured caps (each
student organization has a different cap), artists, officers,
one or two parties of society people, ordinary townspeople
with their families — all sorts. They eat and drink; glasses
of hot punch and mugs of beer are the favourites and there
is a great bustle everywhere.
On the upper floor, where the landing makes a big bay, there
is an orchestra. Their standard of playing is quite high.
The orchestra consists of a piano, a drum, a double-bass, a
cello, a flute, a clarinet, two violas and four violins;
and, of course, a conductor. But the more unusual feature is
a wooden frame on a pole into which numbers can be inserted.
Before each new piece, its number is put up, corresponding
with the number in a little booklet placed on every table
giving the name of the piece and its composer. There is
consequently a great turning-over of leaves at every table
when a new number is put up, for the cafe habitues are music-
lovers; in fact many of the regulars know their favourite
numbers by heart and applaud as soon as they are put up.
At the start of the scene, a number is just finishing. There
is some applause. Then a new number is hoisted and we see
the various reactions of the crowded, noisy colourful cafe.
At a table for two, close to the orchestra on the upper floor,
sit EDITH and CLIVE.They are drinking punch and eating cakes.
The cake-holder is like a little silver tower with different
cakes on each landing and is to be seen on many of the tables.
EDITH is looking up the number in her book.
EDITH
[[773]] [93]...It is a song-all the
rage just now: 'Die Mull...', The
Mill Went Round and Round', Mr Candy.
The orchestra starts to play. EDITH hums it. CLIVE, who is
looking very uncomfortable, takes the plunge.
CLIVE
Miss Hunter. I am afraid I have met
you here under false pretences.
EDITH
Indeed! Why?
CLIVE
There are — political complications.
[The Prince of Wales is coming to
Berlin. He's invited to the Kaiser's
birthday party. A goodwill visit,
all that sort of thing, you know.
EDITH
Yes, I know. It is in the papers.
CLIVE
You see, Miss Hunter, I know a chap
in our Embassy here. We were at school
together. His name's Fitzroy, only
we used to call him 'Baby-Face'.
EDITH
But how are the Prince of Wales and
your friend Baby-Face connected?
CLIVE
Well, you see, he nearly had a fit
when he knew why I'd come - Baby-
Face, I mean. He dragged me in to
see the First Secretary, and he nearly
had a fit too. A possible scandal,
you know.
EDITH
Are you coming to a point, Mr Candy?
CLIVE
The point is that] I had to promise
to do nothing. [And I went bail for
you too.] Apparently it's a matter
for careful diplomacy. You can see
what they mean.
EDITH
(Flatly)
Yes, of course.
CLIVE
I know nothing about politics.[[I
rather flew off the handle, I'm
affraid... sticking my nose in where
I'm not wanted...] [I stuck my head
in where I wasn't wanted] and I could
get [[in all kinds of]] [into the
most awful] trouble.
EDITH
(Brightly)
Trouble, Mr Candy?
CLIVE
Well - I am a soldier - you know
that, Miss Hunter.
EDITH
I thought you were a soldier this
morning, Mr Candy. Or have you joined
the Army since luncheon.
CLIVE
(Dazed)
[[I beg your pordon.]]
([Purses his lips.])
EDITH
(With sudden animated
interest)
[[Look! That is their table]]